Can You Find Me?

Over the next few weeks I got real busy. My aunt was training me to manage the bakery for when she took a leave of absents to give birth. Honestly the training wasn’t hard at all, I’ve been doing this for a while now, I could handle it with my eyes closed.

She and Will also found a bigger house and I helped them move in. I went baby shopping with Blue and Aunt Jenny and we painted the baby’s room. Lime green since we didn’t know the sex yet, and didn’t want to go with the traditional colors. We’re a rebellious family! Jenny’s tummy was slowly starting to poke out too, it was so cute!

Niall and I were doing pretty good with this friends thing too. We haven’t hung out a whole lot, just at the bakery some mornings and whenever we’d all be hanging out with the group. I’d be lying if I still didn’t feel this like, cosmic pull to him though. It was hard not to walk over and sit next to him, or touch him and all that. Harry and Dakota were trying everything to get us back together too, which was sort of annoying. I needed my space and they just didn’t get it.

“Did you hear Niall bought a house?”

I hummed, “I heard he was looking, I didn’t know he found one.”

“Yeah, the other day he bought one. It’s around the block from Harry’s.”

“I hope that neighborhood knows what they’re about to deal with,” I laughed.

“You know Niall’s been hanging out with another girl,” Kota said from the bed. We were in my room and she had come over to help me clean out my closet. It’d gotten way over flowed since I’ve been getting all these free clothes from the photo shoots I’d done over the past year, but all she’d done since she’s gotten here is play around with my iTunes and talked about what was going on with the One Direction group.

“Oh?” I asked as I pulled out a turtleneck I don’t think I’ve ever worn. I tossed it into the donate pile and looked back at her, “Is she nice?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t really met her. She’s some model. He met her through Cara Delevingne, you know Harry’s friend?”

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to press her for information. That my heart didn’t plummet into my stomach and that I wasn’t jealous. But this was what I wanted. I wanted him to move on, and date other people, so I was going to keep lying to myself. You know, ‘fake it til you make it’ or whatever. “She pretty?” I turned back to my closet pulling more out.

“Not as pretty as you, Ayd.”

I turned back so she could see me rolling my eyes, “You may be a little bias there.”

She shrugged, “Maybe. I’m still holding out hope you’ll come to your senses.”

“So what’s her name? What’s she look like?” I asked trying to turn the conversation back.

I heard her scoff, “You haven’t seen the pictures online?”

“No, I’ve avoided the internet as of late.” It was true. Between the pictures from The Wanted’s party and news of Niall and I’s breakup being true, people were getting vicious. Ever since pictures of when I went over to Niall’s, surfaced I was flooded with hate. His fans telling me to stay away from him, and how I didn’t have the right to break his hear again. As if it was me that broke us up. I was annoyed and fed up with One Direction fans so I was just avoiding the internet for now.

“Well her name’s Hanna. She’s kind of pretty in that grunge model sort of way, like Cara is.”

I nodded as I took the last few items out of my closet, “Well I hope she makes him happy.” I gestured to the pile of clothes, “You want any of this before I give it way?”

She sat up not even looking at the pile, “You’re seriously trying to pretend this doesn’t bother you?”

I sighed and slumped on the bed next to her, “Of course I’m bothered. I don’t want to see him with someone else, but I told him he could see other people. I couldn’t ask him to wait for me because I don’t know if and when I’d be ready to be with him again.”

“How are you still angry?” she practically shouted in frustration.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “But I am. And I can’t be with him if I’m just going to be a bitter shrew.”

Kota nodded before getting up and sifting through the clothes pile. She took a few things out throwing it by where her purse was, “Do you wanna come to one of my sessions? It’s one-on-one but I’d share a meeting with you. Doctor Ruth is really sweet. She could talk to you about your anger. She’s really helped me a lot with mine and my drinking.”

I smiled caringly at her but shook my head, “No, that’s okay. I’m gonna get through this the old fashioned way; ignore the problem until it just goes away.”

She rolled her eyes, “That never works.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged. “How are things going for you though?”

“Good,” she smiled. “I haven’t drank to get drunk since Zayn dragged me out of his spare room. The meetings are really good for me.”

“I’m glad you’re better. I was really worried about you.”

“Thank you. For everything you did. And keeping my secret,” she said in a serious tone.

“Of course. You’re my friend Kota, I’d do anything for you.” I leaned over and grabbed an old jean jacket, “Take this, you can rock it, I know it. And besides,” I said getting back on topic, “Who you slept with while you and Harry were broken up is no one’s business bit yours.”

She nodded, “Thanks.”

*****

I was working the front counter at the bakery with Jess the next morning when Liam came in. “Hey Li, you’re up early.”

He smiled, “Yeah, I need to order a cake for my mom’s birthday and I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone and come see you. I came early because I’d hoped I wouldn’t bring a crowd behind me.”

“Awesome, let me just finish up here and I’ll be over in a second. Sit where you like,” I gestured to the pastries in the case, “You want anything?”

He looked at the case, “Hmm, can I get a cheese Danish?”

He pulled out his wallet and I shook my head, “No, put that away. It’s free for you.”

“You sure?”

I rolled my eyes, “Yes. God, you and your band are so against free pastries!”

He blushed a bit and shoved his wallet back in his pocket, “Well thanks Ayd. I’ll be over there.” He grabbed his plate I slid to him and walked over to a corner booth.

After I finished whipping the counters down I made sure Jess was set before I grabbed the cake order book, two milks and headed over to sit with Liam. “Brought you a milk.”

“Oh thanks,” he was about half way done with his danish and scrolling through twitter on his phone.
I sat down and opened the book ready to take notes, “So what kind of cake were you thinking?”

He shrugged, “Not sure. It’s only going to have to feed about 20 people so I don’t need a massive one. She likes chocolate. Maybe a chocolate cake of some kind and a strawberry filling?”

I nodded as I jotted down the notes, “Any kind of decorations? Frosting preference?”

“Well, obviously I want it to say ‘Happy Birthday Mom’ on it, but other than that I was just going to leave it up to you.”

“Cool,” I nodded finishing up the notes, “When do you need it by?”

“In four weeks.”

I smiled, “I can diffidently have that ready for you.”

“Are you going to charge me now or later? Because I am paying for this.”

I sent him a playful glare, “You pay when you pick up, but you still get a friend discount.”

He sighed, “I’m sure there’s no talking you out of that one?”

“Nope.”

He chuckled, sipping his milk, “So how’ve you been?”

“I’m fine for the most part. Helping my aunt get ready for the baby and all that.”

“Such an exciting time!”

I nodded, “Yeah, it is. How are you doing?”

He sighed, “So you heard about Dani and I breaking up I’m guessing?”

“Harry and Dakota told me,” I explained.

He nodded, “Yeah, we’re just going to be friends. Being together got too hard, we rarely had time together. If I wasn’t on tour, she would be or vice versa. It sucks, but, that’s life I guess.”

“Well, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.”

He eyed me, “Is that how your handling this situation with Niall?”

“I guess so,” I shrugged.

He eyed me before he slouched against the table, “You love him right?”

“Liam-” I sighed.

“Whatever, I already know that answer. What I’m trying to get through to you is, he’s not going to sit here and wait for you to get your shit together Ayden.”

“I never asked him to wait!” I snapped, “And I hear he’s dating someone else, that’s awesome, I’m happy for him.”

Liam shook his head, “They aren’t dating, but still- he made a shit mistake don’t let this wedge a gap between you. Love doesn’t come around that often, don’t just willingly throw it away.”

“Didn’t you just willingly throw it away?”

“Danielle and I weren’t in love anymore.” He ran his fingers through his hair, “We tried to make it work for a while after the first breakup, but the spark just wasn’t there anymore. When it became obvious that we were happier when the other was out of town, we realized we shouldn’t hold on anymore. You and Niall are different.”

“Maybe” I mumbled.

“You know, when he told your mom what happened she yelled at him on the phone for like 20 minutes.”

A small smile formed on my face as I avoided his stare. I whipped at the condensation coming from my milk, “I still just need ‘me time.’ Niall and I… we rushed into so much when we were together, I just need to focus on other things right now.”

“Okay,” he nodded, “I’m not going to push it. I just think that you should give it more thought. Because when if he finds someone else and you realize you made a massive mistake? What then?”

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be then?”

“Don’t leave it up to fate like that, Ayden. No one knows if fates even real, don’t base your future on it.”
*****

Blue was gone when I got home, so I turned on some music, changed into comfortable shorts and a tank and made dinner. I was actually in a cooking mood for once so I made myself homemade pizza. Store bought dough, but still!

I sat on the couch and read through Kerrang. Over all it was a fantastic night and I regretted nothing.
Around 9, when I was trying to decide if I wanted another slice or to call it quits, someone knocked on my door.

When I flung it open, I wasn’t expecting Niall to be there. “Oh! Uh, hey.”

He smirked at me, “Hey. You know I can hear your music all the way down the hall?”

“I’m not surprised,” I shrugged, “Come in,” I said as I walked away from the open door and turned my stereo waaaaay down. “So what are you doing here?” I asked once he followed me into the living room.

He held out a bag I hadn’t noticed he had, “I was packing a bit and came across a few of your things. Thought I’d bring it by.”

“Oh yeah I heard you bought a house. Congrats.”

“Thanks.”

I nodded and grabbed the bag. All that was in there was an old jumper, my Jamie’s Elsewhere CD and a book I’d completely forgotten about. I glanced back up at him curiously, “You came all the way across town to drop off three things?”

His face burned scarlet, “Yeah?” I quirked an eyebrow at him and he sighed, “Okay. So I missed you and wanted to see you.”

Butterflies filled my stomach, “Oh. Um… well, are you hungry? I have some homemade pizza left.” I heard his stomach growl when I said that, “I’ll take that as a yes,” I laughed. I walked into the kitchen and came back with a plate of pizza for him.

“Thanks,” he said taking it from me. He sat on the couch and I sat a good space away from him. “What are we listening too?”

“Cassadee Pope. It’s her EP she did before she won The Voice,” I explained.

“She’s good.”

We sat there in silence listening to the song as he ate. It felt like those nights so long ago, before we were dating, where we had dinner and listened to bands he’d never heard of. It felt comfortable… easy. There still was that pull I felt whenever we were in the same room, and I felt like this Hanna person was the elephant in the room, at least for me, but there wasn’t any tension, no pressure.

“So what other new music have you gotten?”

A smile danced across my face at his question, “So much. I found so many good bands while in America. I went to a show almost every night and fell in love with all these unsigned bands. I feel like a hipster.”

He laughed, “Anything I’d like?”

I looked over at him. He’s finished the pizza, and he was whipping his mouth on his sleeve like a child. He was so fucking cute. “Yeah actually. You wanna hear some?”

“I’d love too.”

*****

What started as just listening to a few songs turned into us listening too all the new cd’s and albums I’d gotten. I’d wanted to ask about Hanna a few times through the night, but finally decided it wasn’t my business. If he wanted me to know, he’d tell me.

We were on my floor next to the record player and my laptop was in front of us to play the digital stuff I’d gotten. “I found a bunch of old Bob Dylan records while in LA. I’ve fallen in love with him all over again,” I explained as we listened to the ‘New Morning record.

“I was never a huge Dylan fan,” Niall hummed.

“I wasn’t either. My dad used to play him all the time when I was younger. I’d get so sick of hearing the same stuff all the time and whine until he turned it off. But after he died I played all his records so often I ruined them.”

“Was your dad was into music like you too?” The look he gave me was pure curiosity. I’d never shared stories of my dad with anyone. Well except Blue, but that was because she lived through them like I had.

I nodded, “Yeah. But not to the obsessive extent that I am. He took me to my first concert when I was 9- Tom Petty. My dad was a fan of the classics; Dylan, Bowie, Rolling Stones. But he also gave me my love for the Eagles and Tom Petty. Before he died, he was really into this band called The Counting Crows. To this day, every time I hear ‘Mr. Jones’ by them it’s like I’m right back in the car with him.” I shrugged looking down at Bob Dylan album sleeve, “When he was going through the chemo and radiation, he’d insist on the nurses play their ‘This Desert Life’ album. ‘Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby’ was his favorite song on that album.” I whipped a stray tear that had escaped from my eye before it fell. “It’s easier to remember my dad through the music he liked rather than remember how sick he was before the cancer finally took him, you know?”

“No,” he said after a moment, “I don’t know, I’ve never lost someone like that. But I’m trying to understand. That’s all I’ve been doing this whole time.”

I looked back up at him and his face was so sincere. No one’s ever looked at me like that before except him. It’s like no one’s understood me like he has, and I knew that’s why I still wanted him in my life. “Thanks you.”

He leaned over and placed his lips on mine for only a second before pulling away. We were frozen in our spots, and he had a panicked look on his face, “I’m sorry. Force of habit, I didn’t mean it.”

I shook my head, looking away from him, “It’s okay.”

“I, uh,” he cleared his throat, “I should go.”

“Okay.” I stood up and followed him to the door.

He turned back to me as he opened it, “Tonight… tonight was nice. I’ve missed you- this.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Me too. Thanks for coming over.”

He nodded, “I’ll see you later.” Right as he took a step he paused and turned back, “Hey Ayden? Your dad would be proud of you, you know. You grew up into an amazing woman.”

His comment brought fresh tears to my eyes, happy tears, “Thank you.”

He sent me one last smile before he nodded and walked out, closing the door behind him.

It took everything in me not to chase after him and beg him to stay.