Purging Nightmare

When I was in the room the first time with Gerard grabbing our clothes, I didn't noticed the surrounds and the paintings stuck up to his walls. But when I walked back in, the artistic nature of the other teen flowed right onto me just from the sheer skills he possessed.

There were cartoon characters, abstract paintings, insanely well drawn self-portraits... so many things littered his walls and floor. I caught at least four sketchbooks lying around on his desk, and maybe three more settled on his nightstand and on parts of the floor that had paints, colored pencils, and water colors. It even smelled like an art studio mixed with the cologne I noticed Gerard wore a couple months previous.

Gerard was sitting on his bed with a pencil in hand as he sketched something in his (probably 7th) sketchbook. I didn't want to disturb him right away, so I stayed standing in his doorway watching. The concentration he displayed was something I wished I could muster, even partially. I was always so hyperactive, so in need of motion and for my hands to be doing and fiddling around with something, that I couldn't sit down and draw without getting anxious. But he was the perfect representation of concentration. Dedication, even.

I stood there for a good five minutes before I started to feel like a creep and slipped into the room. I sat down cautiously so it didn't scare him, and crossed my legs as he looked up at me.

"You feeling okay?" He asked and peered back down at his drawing as he continued to sketch.

"Yeah. It's warm." I meant the clothes. Pulling on the sweatshirt, I smiled as he nodded.

"Good. Just lemme finish this up and you'll have my attention." Gerard focused all of himself back down on the drawing. I leaned back against the end of his bed and continued to peer around the room at everything. Some of the cartoon characters were interesting. They looked like superheros, and others looked like vampires and werewolves. I loved it, honestly. Some of my favorite movies were old time horrors; those cheesy films that everyone seemed to hate. But it looked like Gerard was a fan.

The scratching of pencil on paper ceased and I looked over at Gerard. He seemed proud of his drawing, but he flipped the sketchbook shut without showing me. I didn't question it, it was his art of course, and I smiled again when he looked back up at me.

"All right. All yours," he said, and his eyes seemed to pierce through my soul as he watched me.

"Hi," I said pathetically, and felt a blush creep onto my cheeks. Fucking hell. I played around with my fingers and licked over my lip ring. Would this be what I would've been like at the park?

"Hey, dude. Calm down," Gerard said, and chuckled at me. "I'm not gonna hurt you or anything. I know I look creepy, but..."

"No, no. It's not that at all!" I said, and he cracked a smile. He was joking.

"You're still really jumpy about something." Gerard tilted his head with his fingers running through his hair and pushing it behind his head. I clasped my hands together so they would stop moving and shifted so my legs could be more comfortable.

"I dunno. It's storming, and I'm in your room, and we barely even know each other besides in class. I don't wanna be some kind of intruder, you know?" I explained it slowly, because I wasn't exactly sure why I felt the way I did. Sure, I was nervous because I liked him a lot, but I never got like this when I liked someone. So jumpy and nervous. So much anxiety.

"You're not an intruder," Gerard said, and looked down at his sketchbook. He set it down on his bedside table and fiddled around with an older CD player set on his bedside table. He popped in a CD and turned it down, letting Aerosmith play in the background.

"I dunno," I said again, my voice completely unsure. I wasn't supposed to be in his house in the first place. Gerard should've just left me in the park. Let me believe that he blew me off so I'd walk home and he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.

The fact that he showed he actually cared for my well-being enough to come after me, to tell me to get out of the rain, and to give me clothes... it gave me some kind of hope. And I really didn't want to have that hope. Gerard was straight. I'd seen him talking to girls. He smiled at them differently, probably gave out his number. Sure, it made my heart ache. Sure, it made me want to be a fucking girl, just to get that sort of attention. But none of that would happen, right?

Gerard seemed to notice my uneasiness, or maybe he was just really good at simply knowing, but he smiled and crossed his legs better.

"Trust me, you're not," he said, and reached over to grab his sketchbook again. The same one he'd set there moments ago. "You know, I actually don't talk to a lot of people in our school. They're all really different, even the art kids..." He trailed off as he flipped through pages, his attention obviously split, "...but I talked to you just fine. I mean, my brother's pretty cool, too. And a couple girls and maybe a few boys are okay. But I dunno, you were really laid back. I was disappointed when you left art class."

I was surprised. Seriously surprised. I didn't think he'd actually ever wanted to talk to me.

"Why didn't you ever come talk to me?" I asked.

"I dunno. Nerves, I guess. Like when you're in class with someone, it's a lot easier to talk to them than once you aren't, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," I agreed, and looked back down at my hands. It was the biggest reason why I never struck up the courage to go say hi to him in the hallways. Being in class gave me a reason to say hi. Being in the hallway, I could be seen as a creep.

"Yeah. So... I thought it was really cool when you asked me the other day, I was so surprised. We haven't talked all semester," Gerard continued and tried to meet my eye. I gave him the grace of eye contact before looking at one of the cartoon drawings on his wall. It made me so nervous looking at him directly, he had no idea. My hands were clammy.

"I was waiting for my mom and saw you and just sorta kicked myself in the ass to do it. I've been nervous, too."

Gerard laughed after I responded and I blinked in confusion.

"We're both like little nervous girls, aren't we? Jesus," he said and snorted, rubbing at his eyes. I giggled and covered my mouth. My giggles were generally high pitched and embarrassing. He peered up at me and grinned.

"Was that a laugh?"

"No, shh," I hushed, attempting to cover up the blush on my face.

"That was so a giggle. You have the girliest giggle I've ever heard."

"Shhh!"

"No shushing me," Gerard said. He took a moment and stopped teasing me, giving me some time to regain my own composure, before he turned the sketchbook over to me. I'd almost forgotten that he'd been skimming through it to try and find a page. I was stunned to see my face there.

It was cliche as fuck. Someone I liked, drawing my face? But why would he? I stared at the details he managed to catch--the small scar in between my eyebrows, for instance--before looking back up at him in shock.

"You just have this face," Gerard explained, and didn't continue. As if that was enough to paint a picture. When I gave him a stupified look, he chuckled. "Like. There are so many angles, and drawable features. Most models have a very drawable face. I've met a few people who I've really wanted to draw, and you just. Have a drawable face. So I drew you. I had a chance, now that I saw you up close."

I looked back down at the portrait and licked over my lip ring. He even got my piercings right.

"I honestly dunno what to say," I breathed. When I looked back up he was blushing.

"I'm sorry if it's creepy or weird, I just..."

"No... no, nothing like that. I think it's really amazing. No one's really taken the time to pay attention to me."

Gerard's face turned into something sympathetic. Maybe something that understood what I meant. Whatever it was, it gave me comfort.

"Well I have."

Gerard took his sketchbook back from my hands and set it aside. There was a moment of silence between us as I felt a certain warmth run through my chest. He pays attention to me. My hands twitched in their grasp and I looked down at them again.

"Do you wanna stay over the night? It doesn't sound like the rain's letting up."

"Yeah..." I said, a smile curling up on my lips. Of course I would stay.

"All right, good. Will your mom wonder where you are?"

"Nah. She'll be all right. She's having her fun, anyway."