Purging Nightmare

I was stuck in a hospital bed for the rest of that day and almost all of the second day. They had to do brain scans because of my lack of memory--something I'd already been through in the past.

When I was younger, I had incidents of memory lapses. My mom was in her super protective phase, and so I was brought in to the hospital for scans and tests. After a long time of being confined with a therapist, it was determined I had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; but that never really clicked in my head. How could I possibly had PTSD when I didn't experience any form of trauma?

After the brain scans showed everything was functioning properly, I was let out of my hospitalization and taken into a special ward for therapy and psychological work. I never really focused on the names of the wards, or the people, or the things we talked about. Because it was all monotonous, and everything was the same. They asked the same questions. Peered into my eyes in the same way. Everything.

One specific therapist was rather persistent with me, though.

Her name was Samantha Rogers. She told me to call her Sam, but I didn't want to call her anything. It brought her closer to me and gave her some kind of special information entrance for extracting information from my brain. She asked me all about what I remembered from the night, anything that could've caused some kind of attack for my PTSD (they looked back in on my records and realized their brain scans were of no use). I said no, considering I had no idea what caused my PTSD in the first place.

And then she branched off about my scars and cuts. My skin was itching for new pains. I couldn't feed my cravings. All I could do was rub against the current cuts that I had and feel the pain of that. I have no idea how the addiction formed, or why, but I needed to keep feeding it to stay sane. And in a hospital I couldn't exactly do anything to hurt myself. I let the needles being constantly poked into my skin and adjusted be my way of 'self-harm.'

After a while, all the doctors could determine was that I still had my PTSD and that I wasn't changed. I knew this, and tried to tell them throughout my stay, but they wouldn't have it. It was tiring trying so hard. They figured out that I was perfectly sane and healthy. Considering my self-harm had nothing to do with the incident and I hadn't been trying to kill myself, they couldn't do anything about it. All they could do was try and make me talk about it during therapy, but I refused. I wasn't going to expose myself like that and give myself anxiety.

On day 4 of my hospital visit, I was finally allowed to see my mom. She came to me in my own special little room. I had a bed, a TV, and other appliances. I wasn't allowed to use a laptop or my cell phone just yet. She had her hair up in a bun and dark circles around her eyes. She was dressed nicely, but I could tell she was very tired and probably hungover.

"Frank..." Her voice wavered as she knelt down in front of me. I was sitting on my bed. Her hands were perched on my knees, but all I could do was stare at my fingers fidgeting in my lap. She hadn't seen me in 4 days. I was stuck in a hospital alone. "Frank, look at me."

I finally kicked myself in the ass and looked at her. She looked so sad.

"What happened?"

I frowned and pulled back from her.

"Mom, what the hell?" I hissed, and she recoiled.

"What?" She said loudly, and stood.

"Shouldn't you know? Wouldn't they have told you what happened? Or were you too drunk the night you found out that you have no idea?"

She looked offended, but said nothing. I crossed my arms and sighed.

"I've been in here for 4 days because I somehow ended up beat up in the park with Pepper tied up to the swings. I dunno how, but it happened, and the doctors say it's my PTSD that makes me not remember. I dunno," the explanation was vague but enough to understand. She nodded and sighed.

"I'm here for you now, honey."

"Mom. You need sleep and a day without alcohol. Go home, drink some water, eat a nice lunch. And come back when I have to leave. Okay?"

She stared at me for a little while before nodding and leaving. I sat there a while longer before collapsing onto my side in the bed. The encounter would keep me nice and stressed for the remainder of my stay. I knew they couldn't keep me that much longer, there wasn't much they could find out and my mom's health insurance couldn't pay for me to stay.

By day 5.5 I was allowed to get on a computer and was given back my phone. No one had texted me for the duration of the stay, (typical) but when I logged onto my social networking site I found a heap of messages.

And some of them weren't the nicest, either.

I ignored all of the assholes who poked fun at me being gone and probably for being in the newspaper the morning after the incident. But the messages that concerned me the most were from Gerard. My heart ached. I'd forgotten all about him during my stay. I opened his messenger.

4 Days Ago Gerard Way: hey dude, when the hell're you getting back, i have some sick news!

3 Days Ago Gerard Way: huh you werent in school the past two days, have you? what's up dude?

1 Day Ago Gerard Way: now i'm getting a bit worried about you :/

I stared in shock. He cared that I wasn't at school. Why? I typed out a quick message.

4:45 pm Frank Iero: Hi.

Ok. Something simple. He probably wasn't even online anyway, right?

4:46 pm Gerard Way: dude! what the hell, where've you been?

I was surprised when a message popped up and I swallowed thickly as I started to type.

4:48 pm Frank Iero: Hospital, man. Some shit went down.

4:50 pm Gerard Way : oh shit... you ok? :/

4:53 pm Frank Iero: Yeah... I can tell you all about it when I get out?

4:54 pm Gerard Way: yeah, please do. when do you get out and where should we meet?

4:54 pm Frank Iero: Considering they gave me my laptop, it had to be soon. Here, gimme your phone number. I'll text you, yeah?

4:56 pm Gerard Way: oh sure! 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx.

4:58 pm Frank Iero: thanks. I'll text you all the details later.

5:01 pm Gerard Way: ok! get better soon

I was blushing brightly and my hands were shaking. God, Gerard. Why are you so interested in me now?

***

I was discharged on a Sunday afternoon. It sucked, because I had to go to school the next day, but leaving the hospital was one of the most glorious moments in the world. I spent way too much time in the hospital due to PTSD, ear infections, and major lung problems. I didn't need to spend more time in there. My black eye was healing along with the rest of the bruises.

Pepper nearly bounced out of her own skin when I walked in through the door. She attacked me and started sniffing at my pants. I bent down and picked her up, giving her small kisses and talking to her like she was a baby. She wiggled around in my arms and I set her down.

After some food and a bit of awkward silence between my mother and I, I went upstairs to my room after almost a week of being absent. Nothing had moved. My laptop was still set on the bed where I'd perched it before the walk, my window was still open, and everything was peaceful. I settled down in my bed and sighed at how soft it was. Compared to the uncomfortable hospital bed, my bed was like heaven. I had left the door slightly ajar and Pepper decided to invade my space, crawling into bed with me and laying down next to my stomach with a small groan. I stroked my fingers through her fur and smiled at how content I felt. It really couldn't get any better than that.

I paused when I realized it could.

Pulling out my phone, I held it up over my head and started typing out a short text message.

>>Hey, I'm home now. You should come to my house.

I hesitated as I stared at the words and dared to send it to Gerard. Once it was sent, I rolled over onto my stomach and pressed my face into my pillow. I pushed my phone away and hugged my pillow to my chest, desperately hoping he didn't get the message. I felt almost embarrassed. When my phone vibrated, I squirmed before picking it up and checking the message.

>>Gerard Way: sure! Where do you live?

>>xxx, xxx Street, Belleville.

I sent the message and set my phone aside again. Pepper came over and settled next to my head. Her face sniffed at mine and I smiled, just as my phone went off again. The small dog jumped and I checked my message.

>>Gerard Way: sweet. Be there soon.

I made a small squeal in excitement and Pepper looked at me as if she were concerned.

"Hey. Don't tell me you've never found someone attractive before. And by someone I mean Bone, the neighbor dog. I know you have the hots for him. Don't even deny." She started at me as if I were insane and I rolled my eyes, laying back face down. My mind started to run around and by the time Gerard came over, I was asleep. My mom had left earlier to go drinking (wow) and so I was home alone. When the doorbell rang, I didn't jolt awake, until Pepper's barking woke me. Sitting up with a start, I stared around the slightly darker room and groaned. Okay, where was I?

I took a minute to orientate myself before making my way downstairs. My hair was a mess, sticking up at odd angles, and I had the crinkles of my bedsheets pressed into my cheek as I opened the door. For a moment I thought I was seeing an illusion until I realized it was really the tall, skinny, and dark haired teenager in the flesh.

"Hi?" Gerard asked when I stared at him blankly.

"Oh! Oh, yeah... yeah, I texted you, didn't I." I sounded like an idiot. Gerard smiled and laughed.

"Yes, you did. Can I come in?"

"Right, hold on," I said and fumbled with myself as I stepped out of the doorway. Pepper barked a few more times and sniffed at Gerard, trying to distinguish his smell. The long haired boy knelt down and started to pet behind her ear.

"Aweh, she's so cute," he cooed, and looked up at me. "What's her... or his, name?"

"Her name's Pepper. She's my little baby." I closed the door and watched as Gerard cooed at my dog for a few moments.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I asked, and Gerard shook his head. "All right. Then come up to my room."

I lead him through my house and up the stairs, turning right into my bedroom. "I wish my room was in the basement, it's so much cooler."

"Except for if you hate spiders."

I swallowed hard and jumped back from him. Gerard blinked.

"What? I mean, it's a basement. It accumulates a lot of spiders after a while." He grinned as I grew a bit paler in the face.

"I'm never gonna sleep the same in your room again." The comment came out without my control and Gerard hummed.

"You think you'll be back there soon?"

I stopped as I settled on my bed and chewed on my lip.

"I mean... hopefully?" I said, to try and save my ass. Gerard was toying with me, though. He sat down at the foot of my bed.

"Oh, don't worry. You're invited back."

"Good. I'm glad to finally get my formal invitation."

Gerard chuckled and I smiled. I felt better sitting there with Gerard than I'd felt the entire 5.5 or however many days it was in the hospital.

"So... not to bog down the atmosphere, but. Why were you in the hospital?" Gerard's curiosity must have peaked and he couldn't handle it anymore. I licked over my lips as my fingers twitched around the cuff of my sweatshirt.

"Well. I took my dog on a walk, and then I woke up and was all beaten up and a cop took me to the hospital. I don't really remember what happened to me," I said honestly and Gerard took in the information. He tilted his head.

"How do you not remember?"

"Well. If you could promise to keep a secret," it was a tease, but he nodded anyway, "I developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder when I was younger. Basically, something bad happened and traumatized me. And now every time something similar happens I guess my brain blocks out the bad and I panic and have anxiety. But I dunno what causes it, so I can't say what happened. Besides that I was obviously beat up."

Gerard watched me with a fascinated gaze, but there was nothing in his eyes or face that told me he was judging me. It felt... good. To have someone who wouldn't judge me.

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, huh? That's such a mouthful." Gerard made a face and crinkled his nose. I wish I could take photographs with my eyes, because that was one of the cutest faces I'd ever seen him make.

"Yeah, they usually shorten it to PTSD. An anxiety disorder, I guess."

"Shhh, you're ruining me trying to lighten the mood," Gerard said and nudged me. I felt my skin almost tingle at the touch.

"Ok, ok. My bad." I held up my hands in defeat and slumped down onto the bed. He was watching me. I crossed my hand over my stomach and stayed laying on my side. "So how've you been these past few days?"

"Oh, well. I had an art thing with the school. Just something fun. Otherwise I just kind of drew cartoons." He shrugged. All I could do was watch him talk and move. He was so unique.

"That's good. Lots better than a hospital, I'd say." I pouted and pressed my face into the sheets. Gerard lied down next to me, as if he was at home. I didn't mind. In fact, I loved it. He could make himself at home in my room all he wanted.

"Um..." He stopped himself awkwardly, and I frowned.

"What?" I picked at my sheets. His eyebrows crinkled and he chewed on his lip.

"Well. These awful rumors are going on about you at school," Gerard started. I frowned and shrugged.

"So? I've had a lot of rumors go around about me, it's fine."

"No, but these are a bit insulting." Gerard seemed insistent that I knew, so I sighed.

"Okay. What are they?"

"You know the guys that I caught hurting you in the art room?" When he paused, I nodded, and he continued. "Well. They said that you... you know. Hurt yourself. Self harm. And I just wanted you to know, just so it didn't shock you when you came back."

I had frozen over when the words 'hurt yourself' escaped his mouth.

No. What? How? How did they find out? Did they stalk him? How did they know? I was obviously staring blankly at Gerard, because he waved his hand in front of my face.

"Hey. It's okay. I don't think anyone believes it, so."

"How'd they even come up with something like that?" I scoffed. My anger flowed past my fear. Was it what happened in the park? Did they somehow find him, and beat him up? Who else would beat him up? Gerard shrugged.

"I dunno. But it's obviously not true," he said, and watched me for some kind of reaction. I nodded and made a face.

"Yeah, of course not."

I hated lying. It wasn't a good way to start off a friendship with the other teen, but it was something personal and private. I couldn't tell him about my addiction and self-mutilation. Gerard frowned a little, though. Oh god. Did he not believe me?

"Are you sure?"

Oh, jesus.

"Yes, I'm perfectly sure," I said with an eye roll for dramatic effect. He tilted his head and leaned up on his elbow.

"All right, all right. I'm just making sure. You know you can come to me, right?"

I watched him and leaned back into the bed better.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Gerard kept his gaze on me.

"Why can I come to you? Why're you interested in me?"

"I already told you, didn't I? I thought you were cool for a while, and--"

"No, Gerard, I mean. I just got a chance to talk to you once, we've barely spoken since. Do you trust me?"

There was a silence and I looked over at the teen. He looked like he was thinking, the patch of skin between his eyebrows furrowed.

"I do trust you, yeah."

"Why?"

"You're just very... trustworthy. I dunno." Gerard pouted and lied down better. "I dunno, I'm comfortable with you."

"Are you comfortable with anyone else?" I asked softly.

"Not generally... I mean. I talk to a few people but. You make me worried."

"Worried?" I asked, and he nodded.

"With the bullies, and now the whole thing with the hospital. You get me worried. And I'm surprised I worry, because..." He trailed off and I frowned.

"Because?"

"Nevermind."

I watched Gerard more carefully. He sat up and there was an obvious flash of pain in his face. I sat up after him and scooted closer, crossing my legs and looking down at my hands.

"Look, I'm here for you, too," I smiled down at my hands as he looked up at me. "I trust you, too. A stupid choice but hey. Whatever."

Gerard nudged me again and I giggled.

"It is stupid. And giggle!" He pointed at me, and I shoved him.

"Shut up!"

"No!"

"I said shut up, you dick!" I shoved him again and pushed him over, pressing him down on the bed and falling over myself, laughing with a small snort attached. He grabbed onto my sides and started tickling me, and I couldn't control my limbs as I flailed.

"Oh my god! N-no!" I cried out and punched out, trying to get his hands off. He stopped and settled back down on my bed.

"Ticklish. I have your weakness, Superman."

"Superman? Why Superman? I'm more of a Batman," I retorted, and Gerard chuckled.

"Doomsquad."

"Nerd," I smirked. The other teen held up his middle finger.

I giggled again and yawned, closing my eyes. I felt the bed shift and opened my eyes to look at Gerard again.

"You tired?"

"Yeah... I was stuck a while in a place with a really uncomfortable bed, and nagging doctors. I'm beat." I watched Gerard and he nodded.

"I totally understand. Now where do I sleep?" He asked earnestly. I blinked.

"Sleep?"

"Yeah, I'm staying over, right?" Gerard questioned curiously and I quickly nodded.

"Sure... yeah, for sure. What time is it?" I inquired. Gerard pulled out his phone.

"About 6 o'clock. Why?"

"I dunno. I'm tired so early, I feel like a bad host for a sleep over."

"Don't worry. I'm always tired and cold," Gerard admitted, and gave me a warm smile. I watched him and smiled back.

"All right. You can sleep on my bed with me, it's a queen size. Of course it'll fit us."

Gerard laughed and crossed his arms.

"That's not too gay for you?"

I laughed back and covered my mouth. "Too gay? Are you serious? I'm the definition of gay looking emo boy in our school, I don't think sleeping in the same bed as a boy could make me any gayer," I teased. Gerard chuckled and pushed me over. Settling down on my side of the bed, I watched as he laid down next to me. Oh, god. This was something I'd imagined so many times, but seeing it in person was that much better.

"Fair enough. I was just checking 'cause some guys are so sensitive." Gerard's explanation made sense. Some guys really were sensitive.

"Yeah, true. Either way, sleep time. Shh."

"G'night."

I closed my eyes and crawled under the blanket. I felt him adjust himself before we both settled. It was comforting to know he was there. But it was still confusing.

Why did he trust me?

***

My sleep was sound the entire night. Even though we went to bed at around 6 o'clock, I still managed to wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning. Although it was early, it felt like I'd slept longer than I ever have in my life. What I was surprised by was the position I was found in. I was pressed close, up against Gerard's thin chest. My arm was wrapped around him, and his were around me. I flushed brightly, I could feel my cheeks heat up, but I stayed in my position and closed my eyes. His cologne was barely there, faint if anything, but I could smell his natural smell. His heat was intoxicating and I sensed his breathing. My hand and arm brushed along his side and I was surprised at how much rib bone I felt there, but I ignored it as I stayed cozy against him.

I was like that for a good half hour before he woke up. He stretched himself out and groaned. I took the chance to scoot away so it wasn't awkward and he peered over at me through half-lidded, tired eyes.

"Hi," he mumbled. I leaned against my arms and smiled.

"Hello."

My alarm went off soon after that. We spent the short time relaxed in bed, chatting about mindless things, when we realized it was a school day. The rest of the morning was spent preparing for the day. I found it tedious and boring, and when I made us breakfast, Gerard didn't eat much. I recalled the other boy saying he ate like a bird, but I didn't think he meant it literally.

Gerard had driven his car to his house, so it was much easier getting to school than usual. He'd left his backpack in his car, so we went straight to the school. When I stepped foot into the hallway after such a long absence, people had noticed. I got a few strange looks. I kept my eyes trailed downward and self-consciously tugged on my sleeves. Since Gerard came over on the night that I arrived at home, I didn't have a chance to satisfy my cravings for nicotine and for pain... it seeped into my head how much I actually needed them. I was anxious beyond belief just being in school.

I joined the other boy at his locker for a little while before we had to part ways to go to class. He smiled and gave me a hug, and I hugged back, practically melting into the touch. It felt so fucking good to be there. Alive. Just so I could hug him.

Hopefully, everything would go back to normal.