Group Sessions

I watched her for weeks not sure how to approach her. I mean almost three years ago today I went missing, I am not sure she will ever forgive me. I was happy to see that she was out of that asylum. I hated the thought of her being cooped up in that hell hole. Her big gray eyes once again scanned that area in which I was standing. I could see the confusion in them even from here. I could also see that she still wore her wedding band, and I knew that she still went by my last name. I twisted my own ring around and gave a slight smile. My memories with Lisa are still some of my most precious. When I went into our apartment while she was at work, I smelled her everywhere. I had missed her so much but I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. Coming back to see her.

I left Lisa three years ago today because the scum who killed my brother was loose. Lisa didn’t really know why my brother died in fact; no one really knew the full story. How it happened was like this: I was sixteen and I thought I was the toughest kid in town. My brother was a hardcore Marine, and so people feared and respected me. I loved my brother more then I loved anyone else, he was my role model and my hero. We were best friends and when I heard he was coming home I was so thrilled that I ran home a whole hour before school ended. He was there at the kitchen table alone, since Mom and Dad weren’t home yet. We hugged and spoke for a few minutes, he didn't even care that I had skipped class to come see him. In fact that was what we were talking before this kid I hit in school once broke into my house. I wasn’t scared and neither was Jimmy, I mean why fear a sixteen year old boy? The kid stared at us smiling but he also had a kind of fear in his eyes. Being the tough guy that I was, I told him to leave and I even pushed him.

Jimmy pulled me back and started to try to reason with the kid when he shot him. I don’t even remember him having a gun. My brother’s blood stained my shirt and dreams for so many years. His last breath wheezed in my arms would be the song that played in all the insanity that would become my life. I never stop thinking to myself that it was all my fault. If I had just been nicer to that kid my brother would still be alive. He ran after shooting him, not caring if he was dead or not. A smug look of satisfaction on his face as he heard me cry out for my brother. When he got out, I feared the worst, him coming to get me. Or worse him killing Lisa and my parents, I couldn’t handle the thought so I would leave and try to find him first. I would spend days searching leads to where he could be. One day I decided it would be better if I never came back. I knew that he would find out that I was looking for him so I left before he could pinpoint where I was.

The reason I am here now is that I read in the paper, that he died of unknown causes. That was a few months ago. It was safe enough to see Lisa but I wasn’t sure that she would really want to see me. I mean sure, she still has my stuff, and wears the ring. Yet I knew that it’s something else entirely to see that person who left you again. She will probably feel betrayed by me, hurt in ways I may never be able to fix. She may never trust me again. So I stayed put as she walked into our building with grocery bags in her arms. I watched her smile at the door man and glance back briefly again before heading in. I forced myself to follow suit, the door man gave me a nod and smile. I returned the gestures and headed up the stairs to our ninth floor apartment. I took my time, I wanted there to be a gap of time between her arrival and mine.

I rested ten minutes on each floor landing arguing with myself to continue upward. When I finally reached our floor, I leaned against the exit of the stairway for thirty minutes. I was weighing the pros and cons of even leaving the safety of the stairwell and venturing to see Lisa. What if she hated me? What if she was pissed? But to be able to touch her soft skin, for her to see how being away has changed me. I don’t drink anymore, rarely even cut; my purpose for anguish had melted when I left. I needed a change of scene for awhile to heal that was all. I opened the door, fully intending to knock on the apartment door. I walked slowly towards to end of the hallway where our apartment was. I stood before the door and raised my hand to kncok.