Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 10: Don't Go

Oli's P.O.V

I’ve never felt like this before, my whole body was tingling all over, my stomach felt like the 4th of July was going off in there from the firework feeling and my head felt like such a rush.

That kiss was something else…I wanted more, so much more. But no, I couldn’t… I couldn’t let Josh in anymore. This was just a moment of weakness... Because if I foolish carried on with this, it will only be a matter of time before I hurt him. I hurt everyone and Josh isn’t going to be one of them.

I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, taking in his scent. It was the same smell of his hoodie, the hoodie I’ve slept in every night since he gave it to me.

What am I doing? I can’t stay here, I had to go. I already let him get close enough and I didn't want to risk him asking more questions. The question about Tom was bad enough… and I can’t let him in, I can’t let him know. If he knew the truth about me he would want nothing to do with me, so it was me who had to leave before it go that far.

“I need to go.” I whispered.

“What, why?" He pulled his face away from mine and looked up at me but I quickly looked away.

I knew if I looked at him I’d end up staying. Those blue eyes were beautiful and I didn't want to end up losing myself in them. I pulled out of his hold and put my bag over my shoulder and walk over to his bedroom door.

“Oli please, don’t go.” He begged. Hurt lingering in his tone as he asked for a second time.

I was standing in front of the door debating weather I should stay or not, when I felt Josh link his fingers in with mine and held my hand.

I blushed at the small contact, he was so sweet… he really didn’t deserve someone like me, he needs someone way better who wouldn't shit him out and hurt him.

“Was it the kiss?” Josh questioned. Making my eyes widen and shift to look into his beautiful blue ones. They were filled with hurt already.

"Didn't you like it?" He urge.

“Y-yes.” I admitted honestly and bit my lip.

That kiss was everything I ever wanted and more. But I’m scared. I’ve never had anyone close to me for so long, anything I ever learn to love ends up leaving me. I was blessed with some sort if curse.

I was doing Josh a favour by getting out now. He didn’t need me to ruin his life and I won’t hang around long enough to let it happen either.

“Hey.” Josh moved my fringe out of my face so he could see my eyes, but I stepped back letting my fringe fall over them again.

His kindness was unsettling, I didn’t exactly know how to act around it. It's been awhile since someone showed any kindness or caring gesture towards me. It didn’t feel normal for people to care for me and I never allowed them to get close enough to let that happen but Josh. Fuck, Josh is somehow getting through and I don’t understand how or why!

“Josh I- I can’t do this." I bite down on my bottom lip to hold back my tears.

I didn’t want to fall apart in front of him, I didn’t want him to think I was weak, even though I am.

Out of nowhere he wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer to his chest, startling me a little at his actions. He was really damn close… maybe too close for comfort and I started to panic.

“I’m scared too but it’s okay. Its all going to be okay, I promise. We'll figure this out together." He says pulling away so he could see my face and sending me a reassuring smile.

He’s scared too? Scared of this unknown feeling we were both experiencing between us. I don’t know what it is that I’m feeling, but something about it isn’t letting me walk away… not like before.

Something about Josh, there’s something about him which makes me scared shitless about what will happen if I stay and let him in, get close, want to know me… the real me. Not like the real me is anything special, I’m actually far from that and Josh will soon learn that I’m nothing more than a useless good for nothing and he will leave.

“Just please, stay?” he asks, you could hear the pain in his voice and I was filled with guilt. Oh Josh.

This is crazy, I’ve only just met him and for some bizarre reason I feel something towards him. I don’t know what it is… it’s been years since I’ve felt anything but those eyes, that smile, his smell, his warmth, his over baring kindness, it was all drawing me in and I can’t seem to stop myself.

Despite how adamant if was about leaving, I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to pull out of his hold and leave him. This was going to be a mistake...

I sighed heavily and relaxed into his hold, his eyes showing concern.

I guessed it wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer and it also meant I didn’t have to go home to my drunken father and hide away all night in my room.

“Okay.” I breathed out, I hadn't even realise to was holding my breath.

I pulled back and leant in to kiss him once again, not like the last kiss, this time it was little and soft and I happily let the butterflies fill my stomach with joy.

When I slowly pulled away the happiness in Josh’s eyes lit up and that beautiful smile of his appeared making me go all weak in the knees. He was really something else.

“Thank you.” He said kissing my nose and making me blush once again.

“Would you like to watch a film?” he asks, as he removes his arms from around me and walks towards his bedroom door.

“Erm, okay.”

“My DVD collection is over there, pick a film out and I’ll go get us some snacks to munch on.” He says pointing towards the shelves behind me before leaving the room.

He was such a big kid but he somehow manages to make me smile.

I began looking through the large collection of DVD’s he had, there was so many it was hard to choose just one. But of course I chose my favourite, hope he doesn’t find me too much of a geek for choosing it.

I glanced around his room, it was so homely and welcoming. Everything a teenage boys room should be like. He had a few posters on his walls of his favourite bands and skate boarding idols. It was clean and tidy with only a hoodie hanging over his desk chair. He room was huge and I loved how his window brought in so much sun light and looked out over his back garden.

On the wall by the side of his DVD collection he had a collage of photographs, photographs of him with his family and friends. He looked so happy in every photo, even the ones with Amy in to.

Who am I kidding, I can’t make him happy. I’m not anything like his friends, what does he see in me? I’m nothing. I’m just sad old Oli. I’m going to tear him apart and wipe that smile from his beautiful face for good if I carry on. I should have known better than this, why am I letting this happen?

Josh comes back into the room before I could leave and with a ridiculous amount of junk food in his hands. Turning away from the wall I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh at the sight of him.

“I need to get some photographs of you to put up there.” He smiles, catching me look away from the wall. I don’t think so, I don’t do happy memories let alone take photographs of them.

“Did you pick a film?” He asks, placing the bowl of food on his bed and turning to face me.

“My favourite.” I smile shyly at him as I held up the Jurassic Park DVD.

“Awesome!” He sounded just as excited as me to watch it, which is good because I thought he was going to think I was a loser for choosing it. Man, he really was something else.

Josh sits down crossed legged on his bed and pats the space next to him for me to take a seat. I awkwardly crawl to the space beside him and he hands me a can of coke which I just place on the bed side table unopened.

“Help yourself to whatever you want, okay?” He motions to the bowl of snacks while he sets up the DVD for us.

I just lightly nod in reply.

All this junk food, it was basically every poor kids dream. But me, it made me nervous and uncomfortable. I mean, it shouldn’t, I haven’t eaten properly in days and I was literally starving but my body has kind of gotten used to the hunger… and I was afraid what Josh might think if I began eating like a kid who hasn’t eaten in days.

I didn’t want him to ask questions so I played it safe and picked up a bag of crisps and unwrap the lollypop and simply placed it in my mouth. I could eat this, the little sugar of the lollypop was just enough for me to endure without going over board.

We were coming up to about half way through the film and Josh had stuffed his face with most of the food in the bowl and luckily he didn’t ask why I didn’t eat anymore than I did.

He laid back against his pillows beside me and like in a cheesy chick flick movie, he awkwardly wraps his arm around my shoulder.

I tensed not used to the gentle contact and I feel my heart racing out of control. I look back at him full of nerves and he must have notice it.

"Is this okay?" He asks, looking abit concern as if knew he over stepped the mark.

I look down at his arm around me. I guess it was okay. The contact being gentle and loving which was the complete opposite to my fathers contact.

I felt safe with Josh's arm wrapped round my shoulder and I seemed to really like it.

I looked back at him after the thought and nodded and smile reassuringly. He smile back and I feel myself relax and lean into his hold.

We ended up kind of cuddling together, it was so comforting and warm.

I found myself curled up into a ball but my head was resting on Josh’s chest and his arm was wrapped around me securely. He made me feel safe; which is shocking because I’ve never felt safe before… this was so strange to me but nice strange. I could get used to it.

I'm not sure if Josh knew what he was doing it but he was stroking my hair with his fingers and occasionally I would feel him kiss my hair. It was so comforting, it even made me feel sleepy.

Josh’s eyes were fixed on the film playing in front of us but my eyes were fixed on him. Never in a million years did I think I’d be lying in another boy arms, comfortable and feeling so at home, as if I was meant to be in this boys arms forever. And that’s saying something! I’ve been on my own for years and I hate any form of contact with another person but I don’t know what it is but there’s something about Josh and his presence which is allowing me to let him be near me. For the first time in my sad pathetic life I actually feel like someone cares about me and things might be alright.

~~

I blinked my eyes several times and yawned stretching out my limbs.

Shit I fell asleep!

I shot up from the bed and searched the room around me, night had fallen. This wasn’t like me to fall asleep, I never really sleep, how did this happen?

The DVD was playing the menu music over and over, indicating that the film had been over for awhile, what time was it? I looked over at Josh’s alarm clock on his bedside table, 1:13AM.

Shit! My dad is going to kill me! Oh god, he’ll be waiting for me… how could I let this happen?!

Shuffling around must have woke Josh up because he yawned and slide his arm across my stomach and pulled me into a closer cuddle. He mumbled something into my chest but his voice was too low for me to catch what he said.

“Josh it’s late, I need to go.” I whispered into his ear, placing my hands on his shoulders and lightly pushing him away from me.

“Oh… please stay?" He looked up at me all sleepy and my heart melted, he was the cutest thing ever. I didn’t want to leave but I had to.

“I can’t love, I really need to go.” I felt anxious, knowing my father wouldn’t be happy with me when I got home. The nerves started to make me feel sick from the thought.

I knew this wasn’t a good idea to stay but I just wanted a moment of peace and for once I felt safe and I just wanted to enjoy it big now I'm going to get into do much trouble.

Josh propped himself up on his elbows so he was now my eye level and gazed into my eyes, he looked abit confused making me nervous. He found something he didn’t like, didn’t he? Oh no, I should have known this was too good to last.

“You’re eyes are green?”

I was a little taken back by his question.

"Uh, oh they're hazel."

"They look dark brown from far away."

"Is that weird?" I ask feeling insecure.

“No, just makes them even more perfect."

He smiled his beautiful smile at me which caused me to blush and I just couldn’t resist anymore.

I lent in and kissed him softly and I felt him kiss me back straight away, setting the fireworks off in the pit of my stomach again. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to them and how this boy makes me feel. I wanted to stay with him here in his bed, but I was reminded what was waiting for me.

“Josh, I need to go.” I unwrapped myself from his arms and got up from his bed and grabbed my bag and started putting my things away.

I look back at Josh who was stretching out his tired limbs before he kneels up on the edge of his bed, placing his hands on my hips. I shuddered by where he put his hands on me, it was an innocent move but it was all new to me and everything seemed so nerve wracking and exciting.

“Oli it’s late, let me walk you home.” He offers but it freaks me out.

“No!” I yell, anxiety filling me.

“W-why not?” He sounded offended by my reaction, but I couldn’t let him walk me home.

I couldn’t let him into my life, he had no idea what he was getting himself into with me.

I know he was only being friendly, putting others before himself, he was being too nice once again and I really didn’t deserve it.
But I was so afraid of him finding out about me I lashed out with harsh words.

“I’m 18! I can look after myself, stop being so nice, Josh!” I yell stepping out of his hold on my hips.

The look on his face when I said that, it killed me.

But I was scared and I was trying anything to stop him from walking me home. I bit my lip and looked away from him, I felt so guilty for snapping at him like that.

“Don’t say that. Don’t ruin it by saying that to me." He sobs shaking his head

I hurt him. Fuck. This is why I don’t get close to anyone because I ruin everything and I hurt them…worse, I hurt him.

He got of the bed and took my hand and intertwine our fingers together, causing me to look up at him.

“Please, let me walk you home.”

“No.” I say bluntly. Ignoring the concern which he held in his eyes. I wasn't going to give in to him.

“Why not? Come on, at least half way?” he pleads.

I guess half way wouldn’t be too bad and I know he won’t let this go until I said yes. Jeeze Josh, what are you doing to me?

“To the playground.” I say sternly and he nods.

“To the playground."

~~

We were by the swings of the playground when I came to a stop. It was dark and quiet and more than far enough, he didn’t need to take me any further.

“This is far enough Josh.” I say, turning to face him.

His eyes widen when I tell him this is where he leaves me, his face filled with worry and reluctance. A look no one has ever shown me before.

I don’t know why he feels to have the need to walk me home, I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself.

He hesitates but when I see him open his mouth to argue with me I don’t let him and cut him off.

“You agreed the playground.” I tell him.

“I know but-”

“No buts Josh, this was our deal.”

I had to be stern with him, as much as I hated to sound harsh, it was for the best.

He looked defeated and just when I was going to walk away, he tugs at our link hands and pulls me into a surprise hug.

“I’m sorry." He mumbles into my hoodie.

My heart was pounding against my chest with nerves again All this close contact was still so new to me and It kept startling me. It would take time to get used to it.

I still don’t understand why he cares, I’m nothing special for him to care for but I know he means well I guess.

“I will never forget tonight. It was really something special.” He says into my chest before looking up at me with that warm inviting smile which changes everything.

“Yeah, It was” I whispered, looking back down at him.

Tonight was really something extraordinary and I will keep it with me forever. He will never know how much tonight meant to me and I don’t think I’ll ever appreciate it like I should. But tonight was special and as much as I don’t want to admit it to myself, I had a feeling this was going to turn into something a lot more than it should… and I don’t think I’ll have the power to say no to him in the future.

He leant in and captured my lips as he kissed me softly, but before it could turn into anything more, I pulled away and left him in the playground.