Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 15: Tell Me That You Love Me Cos I Need You So Much.

Oli's P.O.V

It’s been awhile since I’ve been here but I still remember every step of the way. Every tree, every rock, every flower, every turn, I remember it all so well like it was only yesterday.

Josh was huffing and puffing, complaining and asking questions about where were we going, and why it was taking us so long to get here. I didn't answer him though, he would know soon enough.

Through the trees I finally came to the small bridge which went over the little river which flowed beneath it. It was exactly how I last remembered it. I walked over the bridge and took in the familiar surroundings which felt like home and I placed my hand on the side of the wooden bridge. My fingers automatically traced over the names it knew which were engraved on it “Oliver and Tom :)" I smiled at a lost memory. I forgot this was here.

“What is this place?”

Josh broke me out of my day dream and I turned behind me to see him looking over the other side of the bridge. He was too busy admiring the scenery for him to notice the names I was looking at.

“This is my secret place." I tell him.

“Secret?” He questions looking puzzled.

“You’re the only person I’ve brought here Josh…”

The only person since many years ago.

I stopped coming here all together over time. The memories became too painful for me to bare.

I walked off the bridge onto the other side and started throwing stones into the river, this brought back another memory, I smiled a little but it disappeared short after when the pain started to settle in.

“Oli, its time to talk.” I hear Josh say softly.

Talk. I hated talking about myself, there was nothing good to know about me. I don’t know why Josh wants to know so much, it will only cause him pain and misery and I really don’t want to put him through that.

I hung my head, I know I promised him we’ll talk, but I’m just so afraid of the telling him the truth. What if he doesn’t like what he hears and leaves me? I’ll be on my own again… No, Josh isn’t like that. He’s stuck around all this time so far, so I guess I owe him answers. I can do this, I can be strong, and I know Josh cares… I can let him in… can't I?

“Oli?”

Josh was getting impatient. I’ve put the questions off long enough and now it was time to "talk". I took a deep breath in to calm my anxiety. I can do this, I can tell him…it will be okay.

“What do you want to know Josh?” I say abit of frustration and nerves in my tone.

I didn’t dare face him; I was too scared to look him in the eyes when he learns the truth about me. I kept my eyes fixed on the river infront of me.

Josh went quiet for a moment, I guess there were so many questions he has no idea which ones to ask me first. My heart began to race, and my palms started to sweat, I was getting really nervous while I waited for him.

“Why do you cut yourself?”

Fuck, he's going in straight for the heavy stuff first…

I don’t know why I do it, I just do, I've done it for years. To feel a balance in between pain and relief... pain is the only thing I know and I guess when I'm drowning in the darkness I need that relief as a reminder...

I sighed heavily. He’s never going to understand, I don’t think I really know why myself. I'm an addict. It’s some sort of punishment for being such a disappointment.

“Because I hate myself." I shrug, feeling tears rimm my eyes but I held them back.

“But why, why do you hate yourself?” He sounded so desperate to know.

“Because I’m disgusting and worthless! I’m no good to anyone. Nobody wants me…” I spin around facing him, almost glaring at him because he didn't see the pathetic being that I am.

“That’s not true! I want you!” Josh yells, stepping closer to me.

“But why? Why do you want me Josh?" I choked.

I didn’t want to show him how painful this was for me to ask but I could feel my emotions about to fail me. He kind of looked offended.

“Why? Oli it's obvious. You're an amazing person, you're kind and gentle and you make me smile like a stupid little kid and I love you.”

"No, don't you say that to me!" I yell starting to panic.

No! I can’t bare to hear those words, I don’t understand how he can, no one has ever loved me. Love, the word was pathetic like me. Everything I’ve ever loved became everything I’ve lost, and I was about to lose Josh. No I can’t lose him! I just can’t!

My breathing became heavier and my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest, I was having a panic attack. I was going to lose Josh and I couldn't take it. Why did I have to stick around long enough for him to love me?

“Oli, what’s wrong?” Josh placed his hand on my shoulder as a comforting gesture but I pushed him away from me. He was just torturing me by pretending he cared.

“No Josh! You can't love me, you just can't!” I sobbed.

I was absolutely terrified of losing him. I didn’t want him to tell me he loved me and then leave me. I couldn’t cope with this pain all over again. It would finish me off for good this time.

I fell to my knees on the muddy stony ground, my panic attack had become extreme and I couldn't control it. I couldn’t breathe, my chest tighten and my eyes became blurred with tears as short quick pants left my throat.

Josh crouched down beside me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest and I just burst into a fit of tears.

“Shhhh. Oli baby, its okay. I’m here.” Josh soothes. Rubbing my back in comfort, he was calming me down. He was the only one who could calm me from my panic attacks, something about him holding me close made me feel safe.

He held me until I had calmed down enough. Only my sniffling could be heard.

“Oli, why don't you want me to love you?”

“B-because if y-you love me, it means you're going to go away... I'm going to lose you.” I whimpered.

“What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He reassures, stroking his fingers through my hair.

He seemed certain but I didn’t believe him. They all leave in the end.

“Josh, I’m so scared… T-they told me they loved me and then they left. Please don’t leave me, I can’t do this on my own…”

I was sobbing into his chest, clinging onto his t-shirt for dear life. I needed him more than anything, I… I think I was in love him too. But that can't be possible... Because I’ve only known love to be bad, being in love just meant pain and lost but what I felt for Josh was different... I felt safe, secure and happy. But what if I'm wrong, what if I let him in and he leaves because I was blinded by love?

“Who left Oli? Who hurt you?” Josh held my face in his hands and wipes the tears away with his thumbs. The was a concern frown on his face.

“My… my erm…” I couldn’t get the words past my lips. I haven’t spoken about them to anyone in 11 years…

“You can tell me, its okay.” Josh kisses my hair, encouraging me to continue with my story. I felt empty inside.

I pulled my face out of Josh's hands and got up from the ground and wiped away my tears. I took a few steps back from Josh and turned away from him.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep shaky breath.

“He’s my little brother.”

“Who?” Josh sounded confused.

I reluctantly turned back around to face him, pointing at the tattooed name on my hand. A questioned he asked me months ago, an answer I didn’t give him until now.

He was probably thinking why it was so hard for me to tell him that from the start. I saw the look in his eyes, he didn't understand and he was waiting for my explanation.

“I…I was 7 when I last saw him…mum took him and left.” I whispered.

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. This memory was too painful, I could feel my throat closing up on me.

“What do you mean she took him and left?”

“It means my mother never loved me! It means I obviously wasn’t good enough for her! It means I’m proof of unwanted love.”

My heart was breaking all over again why did I agree to tell him this? It just hurt so much.

She didn’t take me with her when she left. She didn’t even look back at me when she walked out the front door. She picked up Tom, told me she loved me and disappeared…I never saw her again.

“Oli, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want your pity Josh!”

“Pity? Oli I’m fuming! What mother leaves her child? No, worse! What mother takes one child and leaves the other behind? It’s disgusting!”

I hung my head in shame. I was the living proof of unwanted love. I was truly pathetic. My own mother didn’t even want me. What does that say about me as a human being? I’m just a good for nothing.

Josh stepped towards me wanting to give me a hug but I couldn’t. I couldn't bare to be shown his kindness, his pity. I stepped back putting my hands up and he stopped glancing at me with a hurt expression. I’d rather get all the breaking done at once, it was time for the next question.

“Next question Josh.”

“No Oli, its okay we can-" I interrupted him.

“Ask me them now Josh because I won’t answer them again.” I snapped.

He frown at me, but this was all too much for me to repeat again. I needed it to be over and done with.

“Erm okay, well erm…I assume the person in your house was your dad? Why did we run away from him?”

Oh god. What do I say? I can’t tell him the real reason why. No, I couldn’t. Well, I guess I can tell him part of the truth.

“My dad likes to drink Josh…and uh, I was embarrassed how he would have behaved in front of you." I mumbled hoping Josh would buy it and just drop it.

“Embarrassed? Oli, you looked fucking terrified! I’ve never seen you like that before, it was worrying!”

Of course he would dig around this subject! Why couldn’t he just accept my answer and move on to the next question? I hated people poking their noses in my business. Why couldn't he just accept it.

Truth is though, he was right, I was terrified. But Josh doesn’t have to know that, he would only worry stupidly about me every time I go home and he’ll probably put himself at risk again by checking I was okay and I didn’t want that to happen. His safety is more important than mine.

“Look, we had an argument the other night when I was home and he grounded me but I snuck out of the house and stayed with you. I knew he would be really angry with me and I didn’t want him to behave badly in front of you.”

There was no other way to sugar coat this, he had to believe me.

“Behave badly? Why, what would he have done?” His voice was full of concern.

“Nothing…he would have just shouted at me and sent me to my room."

Why can’t he just drop this already, he was making me nervous asking me all these questions about my dad. He must if sense how uncomfortable because he didn't ask anymore about him.

There was an awkward silence between us, I had a bad feeling the next question wasn’t going to be good.

“Where are all the cuts and bruises coming from?”

My eyes widen and my heart begins to race with fear.

Fuck! Out of all the questions…I should have expected it, it was linked to the last question but what the fuck am I suppose to tell him?

I started shaking aswell as feeling suddenly sick. I can’t answer this, I refuse to tell him the truth about my father.

“Next question…” I mumbled.

“What? No, Oli answer me! Where are they all coming from?!” He pleads.

I just shrugged my shoulders pretending not to care and that this wasn't a big deal. I really didn’t know what to say, I was terrified of telling him the truth.

“Oli! Tell me please!” He begs and I shake my head furiously at him.

I bit down on my lower lip hard, trying to hold back the tears which entered my eyes again. These questions were getting too much, I thought I could handle them but I can’t. I know Josh deserves to know the truth, but at what cost? The truth only causes pain, and what good is that? I need to keep him safe.

“Since the first day I met you, you’ve always had a mark on you…Please tell me where the hell are they coming from?” He insists.

Oh great. Since the first day he’s met me he’s only ever seen the marks my father left on me. I'm the loser kid with all the bruises. It’s been happening for so long now, I’m kinda used to the marks…I don’t see them as cuts or bruises… I see them like they’re tattoos which fade away after a week or two. I've accepted being a human punching bag, I can't let Josh see me as one though, he'll think I'm weak.

Wait hang on, none of my bruises are visible on me now so today’s probably the first time he’s seen me without them. Apart from the cuts on my arm he saw last night, I don't have any bruises on showe for him to be conceredn about. I shifted around in my hoodie, I felt rather paranoid about the bruises I hid underneath my clothing which I will never allow him to see. Not ever.

Josh's eyes burned into me, making me feel incredibly nervous under his stare.

“I’ve seen the bruises on your hip Oli."

“What! How?!”

My heart sank, I felt sick at the thought of him seeing them. How the fuck did he see them?! Oh my god no! I put my hand over my hip, suddenly feeling super exposed.

“I- I saw them this morning when you were asleep-”

“You looked at my body while I was asleep?!” I screamed in disbelief.

“It wasn’t like that! It was by accident.”

“Accident? How can that be an accident?! I-I can’t believe you did that! H-how could you?!”

I felt physically sick. The thought of him examining my body… my fucked up disgusting body while I was asleep, knowing he must have been mortified by the sight of me. How could he do this to me, I felt so betrayed by him. This was way below the belt. How can I trust him now? He was the only one I had and now he’s betrayed me like all the others.

I crouched down to the ground and put my head in my hands, I couldn’t bare the thought of him looking at my body. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes. I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

“Oli I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s going on and I’m so scared something’s going happen to you.”

He tried to wrap his arms around me but I was just so angry and disgusted I pushed him away. I didn’t want him anywhere near me right now.

“Don’t you ever touch me again! How dare you look at my body, it’s my body not yours I can do whatever I want to it! I don’t need you asking me all these questions, if I want to harm my body I will!” I screamed, hitting breaking point.

The look on Josh’s face was heartbreaking, but I just couldn’t take this anymore. What right do people think they have by doing what they want to my body?! I’ve had this from my dad more or less all my life but now from the one person I truly care about, I didn't know what to do. I wished people would leave me and my body in peace!

Josh grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me hard, startling me. I really wasn’t expecting it, it actually frighten me abit.

“Do you think this is easy for me?! Seeing my boyfriend covered in cuts and bruises everyday and having no idea where they’re coming from! I’m so fucking scared because I have no idea what’s going on, you tell me nothing. I’m going out of my mind with worry, you don’t understand how fucking much I love you, its killing me seeing you like this!”

He was hysterical; tears running down his face, his breathing fast and expression pained. I’ve never seen Josh so angry before. I made him like this, this is all my fault. What have I done to him?

I covered my face with my hands and cried. Everything is so messed up because of me. Josh pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me. After everything I’ve said and done to him, he’s still here caring for me.

I wanted to pull away from him, I was still so angry at him but I couldn’t. I was so shaken up I needed his hold to calm me. I needed his warmth, his smell, his touch, his security. That’s when I realised, no matter how upset I was with him, I needed him. I needed him to tell me he loved me because I need him so much. Even though I didn’t really understand the meaning of the word love, I needed to hear it from Josh.

“I love you Oli.” He mumbles into my hair.

It was like he read my mind, like he knew I needed to hear those words from him right now. Shamefully, he was my rock.

“I’m so sorry Oli, I really am. I didn’t mean to look at your body without your permission. All I want is for you to be safe.” He sobs.

His voice sounded broken as he sniffed back his tears. He generally did sound really sorry and it made me feel so guilty talking to him the way I did. I didn’t mean to be so harsh, I’m just used of people hurting me and betraying me, I can't handle it anymore and I just snapped.

It really shook me when he told me he looked at me while I was asleep, it just freaked me out. I had no control over what he saw, it made me feel vulnerable and weak. He probably thinks I'm hideous now and doesn't want to go any further with me.

“I think that’s enough questions for one day.” He sniffs.

He puts his finger under my chin and lifts my head up to look at him. His beautiful blue eyes were red from crying and mine most likely matched his. He kisses me softly, letting me know everything was okay and wiped away my tears.

“I promise I will never hurt you again.” He tells me.

“Josh, I’m sorry.” I say biting my lip. I felt so bad the way I behaved, he's been nothing but good to me.

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault.”

He seem like he understood even though I reacted way over the top. Josh has such a kind loving nature, he was so gentle with everything, especially with me. What did I do to ever deserve him.

“Now, cheer up because you got to show me around this secret place of yours.” He smiles his beautiful signature smile at me, making me break into a smile despite my mood.

He was all I needed in my life, he said he loves me and promised he would never leave… he was literally everything. I think I might love him too.