Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 17: This Is What You Call Love?

Oli's P.O.V

Josh invited me back to his after school like usual, we had an essay due in for Monday morning for creative writing so we thought we start it now.

The essay writing only lasted half an hour until Josh got bored and started moaning that we should take a break and go back to it later which I agreed to. I didn't want him to fall back on his school work, just because I didn't care about my education doesn't mean I don't care about Josh's. Besides, I didn't want his parents thinking I was a bad influence on him... I probably was but not intentionally, we just loved spending time together and we got very distracted.

We were currently sitting at the end on Josh’s bed playing on his PS3. We were playing FIFA and it was best out of 3 and the firsts game I totally suck but one I got the hang of it I decided that I wanted to win, so the game was on!

Josh was getting all competitive, giving it the hard man talk and flipping me off but I just laughed it off. He was a big goof.

These last few months have been really life changing for me in a lot of ways…If it wasn’t for Josh I don’t think I would still be here, I would have most likely given up hope and ended my life by now. He's been truly amazing, I’m surprise he’s put up with me for this long but he always says its because that’s what you do when you love someone and then showers me in his love and affection.

“GOAL!” Josh jumps up from the bed cheering and taking his victory. It was the last game and he won 2/3.

“Oh whatever.” I dropped the controller on the floor and rolled my eyes. I knew I had no chance against him anyway.

“Aww is Oli grumpy because he lost?” Josh says in a horrible baby like voice, sticking his bottom lip out as he started teasing me.

“No.”

“Yes you are don’t lie, can’t handle being a sore loser huh?"

I frown slightly annoyed, he was being a dick now.

I huffed in a strop and started to crawl up towards the pillows on the bed but Josh grabs my leg and pulled me back towards him.

“Hey Mr stroppy pants, where you going?”

“Away from yours truly.” I say in a sarcastic tone.

He wrapped his arms around my waist making abit of my t-shirt ride up, he was kneeling at the foot of his bed resting his chin on my lower stomach. He fluttered his eyelashes at me, staring up at me with those big blue eyes which makes me go all weak.

“Aw come on, I still love you even if you do suck at FIFA.” He chuckles.

I stick my tongue out at him but he scoffs shaking his head at me.

He buries his head into the bare skin of my stomach, I’ve become so much more comfortable around him now I didn’t care as much as I would before if my t-shirt rode up. I would let him see and touch my skin a lot more often these days. To think, if this happen 2 months ago I would have flipped out. To be honest, I secretly craved him touching my skin. It would send the butterflies to flutter around like crazy in the pit of my stomach making me go all warm and tingling. But I never told Josh that though, it was my little secret.

He was always so gentle and cautious when he touched me. He treated me like I was some fragile doll or something which he tried so careful not to break. I was grateful for it really seeing as most of my life I've been brutally man handled.

Josh took a deep breath and unexpectedly blew into my stomach making a loud fart noise which tickled like fuck. I squealed out with laugher and tried wriggling out if his hold.

“Josh!” I squeal.

He bursts out laughing, locking his arms tighter around my waist so I couldn’t escape him.

He kept blowing into my stomach but soon began kissing my lower stomach, sending the butterflies crazy and causing my breathing to hitch. I was so god damn sensitive to his touch it was kind of embarrassing. He then ran the tip of his tongue along the inside of the waistline of my boxers making my dick twitch in response. Fuck. That was sexy as hell!

My breathing faltered but thankfully Josh was too busy kissing and sucking on my hip bone to notice the effect he was having on me.

I lent my head back on the bed, closing my eyes as I enjoyed the pleasure of my boyfriend’s mouth on my body. Fuck. My breathing started to become heavier and I bite down hard on my lower lip to hold in a whiny moan.

I run my fingers through his hair lovingly, I’ve been holding us off from having sex for so long. It's not like I didn't want to, I did, like quite a lot but I was paranoid as fuck about exposing my full body to him. It was always covered in disgusting cuts and bruises my father left on me…I constantly felt revolting, why would Josh want to see that? It would most likely put him off and not want to have sex with me at all.

But all my bruises were more or less faded and gone now, I had nothing to hide from Josh anymore. He's already seen my scars and he's always told me my scars would never make him love me less. So, I guess there's no reason to keep holding this off anymore, we felt strongly towards each other and this was the next step.

I was ready.

“J-Josh.” I breathed opening my eyes and glancing down at him.

“Yes.” His eyes looked up at mine, his lips not leaving my hip.

I think he was expecting me to tell him to stop and give him the same old excuse that I wasn't ready yet but this time it was the opposite.

“I’m ready.” I whispered looking down at the beautiful boy who glanced back at me in confusion.

He blinked a couple of times but soon realising what I meant. His expression went from disbelief to serious within seconds and he left my hip, moving up towards me, placing his hands either side of my head on the bed. Our eyes were now leveled with each others as he stared into mine deeply making sure I was being serious.

“Are you sure?” He asks, sounding unsure.

"Y-yes."

I nodded letting a small smile form on my lips. I've never been more ready.

"Oli, I don't mind waiting a little longer, I don't want to rush-"

"I'm ready Josh, really. I want you."

I tell him and I see the lust fill his eyes and nods.

He leans down and captures my lips with his kissing me more passionately than ever before. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him further down onto me and I feel him tug at my bottom lip with his teeth, making a little moan escape me.

I run my fingers through his wavy hair, which soon trail down his back where I grip onto his t-shirt pulling it up and over his head and chucking his t-shirt on the floor. I feel him start to do the same to me, lifting up my shirt but I stop him when the fabric reaches my neck. I hesitated. I was still extremely nervous about revealing my body to him... even though I knew he wouldn't judge me, I still felt paranoid he wouldn't like what he saw on me. This is a major step forwards.

I glanced up at him for some reassurance and he see was already staring back down at me with understanding loving eyes.

“Its okay baby.” He whispers, stroking my cheek in encouragement.

I take in a deep breath and nod, letting Josh lift my t-shirt over my head completely, letting him see my body for the first time. He sat up and leans back to take a look at me properly and I see him stare at my bare pale skinny tattooed body. I bit down on my bottom lip harshly, avoiding eye contact with him at all, I was a nervous wreck. He thinks I'm hideous doesn't he?

I feel him run his index finger from my chest down to my belly button tauntingly, causing goosebumps to raise on my skin and making me shudder at his touch.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He says.

I look back at him in shock by his words but before I could even respond he leans back down and kisses me eagerly and I kiss him back just as eagerly. His lips soon leave mine which trail along my jawline and then eventually to my neck, which then followed to my collarbone where he begins to kiss, suck, lick and tease the fuck out of me.

I groan when he tugs my skin between his teeth, leaving his mark on me. Usually I would freak and avoid any sort of mark being made on my skin but these were marks from Josh. Marks that were filled with love, lust and want. Everything my body craved.

His lips on my body sent me into overdrive and I embarrassingly arched my back, thrusting my hips up at his causing us both to moan at the amazing feeling.

Josh pulls back and starts fumbling around with the button and zipper on my skinny jeans. Keen to move things forward.

“It’s going to be bloody impossible to get you out of these!” He huffs sounding impatient as he struggles to get my skinny jeans off.

I blush and just laugh in response before helping him pull them off as well as his own. Leaving us in only our boxers.

Josh lies back down on top of me pushing his erection up against mine, making us both groan loudly at the friction they made together. Fuck, this was truly something else, I can't believe I've waited this long to do this. I need to have him now.

Josh's hands were roaming around all over my body, my arms, sides, chest. Stroking me softly and calming me as we continue to make out and thrust against one another.

I was completely lost in my own world until I was suddenly snapped out of them when I feel Josh's hand press up against my dick. I gasp and break the kiss and look down to see that he started palming me through my boxers.

My head falls back against the pillow and I close my eyes and let out a ragged moan at how amazing his hand felt on me. I feel him pull me out of my boxers and slowly begin stroking me up and down my length and I can't help choke on another moan.

No words could ever explain how it felt to have someone else touch you. Touching myself is great but when it's someone else, that someone being your hot loving boyfriend for the first time is kind of incredible.

I realise I was just lying there letting Josh do all the work on making me feel good and I had the urge to make him feel as good as he was making me right now. So a big wave of confidence comes over me and I slide my hand into his boxers and take a hold of him and begin tugging on his length at the same pace.

"Oh fuck." He's breaths shakily. Obviously enjoying it as much as I was.

We both continue to make out and stroke one an other for a few more minutes until Josh pulls away and leans over to his bed side table.

I see him take out a condom and a bottle of lube from the drawer and that's when my anxiety slowly started to kick in again and remind me that this was actually happening.

Josh was lost in deep thought as he held the condom, most probably wondering which one of us was going to wear it…I mean, we're both virgins after all, neither of us exactly know what we're doing and I guess it takes a lot of thought which goes into the decision of whos wearing it. Josh was far more prepared than I was though, a couple of weeks ago I found a gay sex leaflet in his drawer indicating that he had being researching and preparing himself for this moment. Which I was thankfully relieved about now because I could feel myself starting to go into panic mode.

I know I’ve come this far but I still wasn’t confident enough. In many ways I did want to be in control because I've never been in control over my own body before and I was still on edge with allowing Josh to have full access of my body like that. But then again, it made sense for Josh to be in control. He has his head screwed on properly and I've let him in this far, i'm used to his touch now and trust that he won't take advantage of my vulnerability.

"You wear it." I say nervously and he looks at me.

"You sure?"

"I- I trust you." I stutter and he nods understanding me completely.

“Okay.”

Even though I am the older teenager, I still had major anxiety and insecurities about my body and I trust my younger boyfriend to respect me and take it upon himself to guide me through this.

He slowly pulled down my boxers and threw them on the floor. I knew he had to prepare my body for what was yet to come and that was for me to be stretched… all sorts of mixed emotions were running through me now.

I just laid there as I watched Josh squirt lube onto his fingers and I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless right now... I was dreading the pain but then again it can't be any different from what I'm already used to, can it?

"You ready for this?"

Josh asked, spreading my legs apart and hovering the first finger just over my entrance. I nodded repeatedly, unable to find words to speak.

He then slowly pushes the first finger inside of me making me gasp. The feeling was new and weird and nothing I had ever felt before, it was hard to explain. I tried to keep my breathing steady because I knew Josh wouldn't continue with this if he thought it was making me a nervous wreck.

When he thought I was handling it okay, I felt Josh insert a second finger and this time I hissed at the extra stretching. It was more painful and my sudden reaction alerted Josh that I was in some discomfort.

"You okay baby?"

"Uh huh." I say past biting my lower lip.

"You want me to carry on?" he asks pausing his movements.

Probably to make sure he wasn't pushing me into something I wasn't ready for but I was ready, I wanted him and I wanted this. I just needed to reassure him.

"Y-yes."

"I'm going to add another finger now okay?" He warns me.

I nodded back at him unable to reply and with that he inserts a third finger, causing me to bite down harshly on my lower lip to avoid the whimper from coming out. I gripped hold of the sheets underneath me and tried to not focus on the pain so much but at how Josh has begun curling his fingers inside of me at a different angle, making me concentrate on the little pleasure I was starting to feel.

After a few more minutes of Josh pushing his fingers in and out of me he slowly pulls them out and I must admit, I did feel a little disappointed and wanted him to carry on. I watch him take off his boxers and toss them on the floor with mine before reaching for the condom and rolling it down on to himself and covering himself in lube.

I swallowed thickly because I knew what was next. Him.

A bunch of mixed feelings flowed through my body at that persist moment for two obvious reasons. One, being riddled with nerves because I was about to let someone have full control over my body and two. The excitement which pumped through my veins as I watch the most loving caring person prepare himself for me and take my virginity.

Josh placed himself in between my legs and rest both hands either side of my head as he lined himself up with my entrance. My breathing had hitched up a lot because I was seconds away from having sex with my boyfriend and I was starting to worry he wasn't going to enjoy himself. He looks down at me with never ending love swimming around in his eyes and nudges his nose with mine. He kisses me slow and gently before lingering his lips over mine.

"Ready baby?" he whispers in a shaky breath and all I could give him is a little nod.

I feel him push himself into me as gently and slowly as he possibly could without hurting me but the pain still manage to overcome the gentleness and I couldn't hold back the cry which escaped past my lips.

I clutched tighter at the sheets with my fists and squeezed my eyes shut and bite down on my lip.

This feeling felt so different. Different and strange and beyond anything I have ever felt in my entire life but yet, I didn't want Josh to stop. My eyes were squeezed shut and I could feel the tears prick the corners of my eyes as the pain became more uncomfortable as Josh pushed himself further into me.

"S-sorry." He says, noticing my discomfort.

I forced my eyes open to look up at him and I swear he was the most beautiful humanbeing I have ever seen and right then, I knew that I defiantly didn't want this to end. If I just focus on him and nothing else I could do this.

"Keep going, I-im fine." I gasp, I knew this was only the beginning so I knew once we past the painful part it would only get better for both of us.

"I'm sure it'll get better." He reassures me and I only nodded. I trusted him, I believe every word he spoke to me and I knew this would get better and be something amazing for us to always remember.

Once Josh had pushed himself all the way in he let out a low groan and buried his face in the crook of my neck as he waited for me to adjust to his size.

"Y-you can move Josh." I tell him and he nods leaning back up on his forearms.

He slowly pulls out and pushes back into me slowly but the tightness was enough to have us both react. Josh moaned loudly as a cry left my lips. It still hurt me but I didn't want to ruin this for Josh.

He sat up and laced his fingers in with mine and placed our hands either side of my head. I gulped nervously as a wave of electricity shoots through my body and has my heart racing. Josh looks down at me with his beautiful blue eyes which held nothing but love, lust and warmth in them. I gaze back up at him in adorabantion.

"You feel so good." He moans. He squeezes our hands and begins moving in and out gently. His eyes never leaving mine.

He started to find a rhythm and the pain soon turned into pleasure making us both moan constantly and quietly at this remarkable feeling which was making love at it's best.

“Faster.” I demanded.

This felt amazing and I suddenly found myself not wanting it slow and gentle. I wanted hard and fast and to give me everything he had in him.

I hear Josh let out a laugh, most probably feeling smug knowing I wanted more of him.

He nods and removes his hands from mine and places them on my hips keeping me still as he began thrusting in and out of me faster.

I let out a desperate whiney moan because the feeling was just so overwhelming and amazing.

I didn't know what to do with myself but my hands reached up and wrapped them around Josh and pulled him down on to me.

He picked up his pace, moving in and out of me as fast as he could making my eyes roll back to the back of my head and my nails to dig into his skin. The feeling was mind blowing, I thought I was losing my mind. It was the most intense yet amazing feeling I have ever experienced.

"Fuck Oli." Josh moaned into my neck.

His hot breath tickles my sensitive skin and I moaned desperately for more. I didn't know how long I could keep this up for.

He captures my lips with his and we fall into a very intimate meaningful kiss.

I tangle my fingers into his hair and tugged at the strands causing Josh to groan into our kiss. He sounds so hot when he moans, oh god.

Josh's thrusts became faster and more eager and I knew it wouldn't be long until he reached his end.

I could feel myself getting close too, I tried to hold back as much as I could because this feeling was just far too good to end but I couldn't. It was all too much.

"I'm- I'm gonna come." I gasp loudly, and immediately Josh wraps his hand around my length and starts tossing me off at the same pace as his thrusts.

“Don’t stop!” I scream.

He doesn't falters, he carries on pumping me and with in seconds i'm coming all over his hand and my stomach. With a desperate moan, my head falls back against the pillow as my body shudders in overwhelming pleasure.

"Oli I'm-" Josh shudders and his moans fills the silences of his room
as he comes inside me.

He collapse on top of my chest, breathless, exhausted and unable to move. My instincts were for me to wrap my arms around him and hold him close and that's what I did. My fingers comb through his messy hair as we both gradually came down from our high and catch back our breath.

My heart was pounding inside of my chest, I never thought it was possible to ever feel like that. That was really something else.

I kiss the side of his head as all I felt was nothing but never ending lust and warmth towards him. He was all sweaty and breathless, his hair stuck to his forehead and I couldn't help but find it cute.

After a couple of minutes Josh finally finds the strength to pull out of me causing me to wince a little and takes the condom off and throws it in the bin before collapsing his tired body down beside him.

“Holy fuck Oli.” He pants breathlessly, running his hand through his hair.

I let out a breathless laugh. He obviously thought it was just as amazing as I thought then.

“That was amazing.” I smiled breathlessly at him.

Josh smiles his beautiful smile at me and opens his arms for me and I crawl into them and snuggle into his chest. Despite our sweatiness and feeling clammy and mess down below, there was nowhere else is rather be than be in his arms right now.

“I fucking love you.” He says, kissing the top of my head. "So much."

I loved him too, so so much. I looked up at him and nodded and placed a gentle kiss on his lips as my response and snuggled back into his chest.

I feel his arms tighten around me and it wasn't long until I fell asleep to the soft sound of his heart beat.

~~

When I woke up from our nap I saw it was 5:00pm. Shit, we’ve been asleep for 2 hours!

I glance up at Josh and see him still sleeping. He looked so peaceful and I didn't have the heart to wake him up, so I just stayed in his arms and began drawing circles on his chest as my mind wonders to earlier when we made love for the very first time.

I couldn’t help but smile as the memories replayed again my mind. It really was extraordinary.

I sigh deeply. Josh. He really was my life saver, I never thought I could find happiness again but I did. Since the day mum and Tom left, I thought I was cursed from ever loving anyone again or finding love for that matter. It took me 11 years and a lot of convincing but I finally found it. Not only love but happiness too. I’ve never been happy, I never had a reason to be happy but Josh. He’s given me every reason to, he is the reason why I smile everyday, why the air still breathes through my lungs, he is my reason for life.

I’ve never thanked him for his kindness and love, I’ve never once explained to him what he’s done to save me… I honestly believed I couldn’t be saved, I thought I was too fucked up to be fixed but I think Josh has saved me, in many ways a person can be saved.

I don’t feel like the same person I was 3 months ago, I hated everything and everyone and I didn’t see the point in this pathetic life of mine. Josh has given me reason to smile, to start again, to stop cutting, to let go of the bullshit and to finally live my life. No words can describe how much I fucking care and appreciative him. Actually there is. I smiled at the thought, I think I finally learnt to understand the true meaning of the word and when he wakes up I will tell him.

I’m going to tell Josh that I love him.

A big smile spreads across my lips as a warm feeling tingles in my chest. I wanted to do something for him, I’m not sure what but I wanted to do something special.

Then it came to me. I’ve been writing a song for him, it’s still not finished but if I do it now while he’s asleep I can sing to him when he wakes up.

Shit! I remembered I left my journal on my bed side table at home! I’ve been home twice this whole month, and manage to avoid my father’s abuse both times.

All my lyrics are in my journal, so I need to go home and get it or I can’t finish the song for Josh.

Anxiety slowly creeps in when I think about going back home again. Fuck it, I will risk going home for Josh, he deserves to hear this song and everything he's done for me the last few months I need to grow some balls and go get my journal.

I pulled out of Josh’s hold slowly, I didn’t want to wake him up and ruin the surprised. I quickly got dressed and wrote out a note for him explaining where I was incase he woke up before I got back. I placed it on his bed side table and lent over and kissed his cheek softly goodbye.

~~

My dad wasn’t home when I got in, which was a relief as I could quickly run upstairs, get my journal and leave again without any confrontation from him.

I walked over to the staircase only to hear my stomach rumble loudly at me for food, I was actually fucking starving! I decided to quickly make myself something to eat and then get leave. I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge but met with nothing but cans of beer in here. Of course there was nothing to eat, why did I even bother opening it? There was a few slices of bread left over on the kitchen counter, I’ll just make myself some toast instead.

“What the fuck are you doing here kid?!”
The loud demanding voice startled me, making me drop the slices of bread on the floor.

Fuck, I didn’t hear him come in.

I slowly turned to face my father and timidly see him standing in the door way of the kitchen.

“Well boy?!”

“I-I’ve…I’ve only come back t-to g-get something…” I stuttered.

My heart was beating out of control with fear. I hadn’t felt like this all month and one minute in my father's presences i'm a trembling mess. Oh fuck, why did I come back here?!

“You think you can treat this place like a fucking hotel boy?!” my father growled.

Hotel? I wouldn’t pay 5p to live here, this place was actual living hell.

He was stupidly drunk. He was always drunk but I hadn’t seen him this bad for awhile.
He stumbled towards me and I naturally took a step back away from him but he grabbed a hold of my hoodie causing me to flinch and he begins to shake me violently.

“How dare you fucking come back here, especially on this day! How fucking dare you!” he yelled.

My guard was down as I felt the unexpected blow of the back of my fathers hand hit my face. The force sent me flying but I grabbed onto the kitchen counter which stopped me from falling to the floor.

I was trembling in shock. My hand shot up to my cheek which was ringing in pain which instantly made my eyes water and tears to roll down my face. I should have expected his violence, I was a fool to think he wouldn't touch me. I’ve become too soft over the last month. Josh’s kindness had rubbed off on me, leaving me vulnerable when I needed to be bitter and strong the most.

I had no idea what my dad was talking about, but whatever it was he was furious and I was going to pay the price of it.

He stepped forward and grabbed me by my hair and slammed my face onto the kitchen counter harshly. I let out a loud cry from the pain but it only made him hurt me more. Shooting pains ran across my face making me feel dizzy and my vision blurry. He brutally held my left arm up behind my back with such force I thought any sudden movement would break it.

“D-dad please!” I begged through my uncontrollable sobs.

The tears wouldn't stop falling from my eyes, I tried to stop them because they would only show him weakness, but they just kept falling, failing me.

“D-dad p-please let go of me! P-please, I’ll do anything, anything!” I scream hysterically.

“There's nothing you can do what will bring back your mother!” he growls sickly into my ear.

So this was about mum? It's not often that he'll bring her up but when he does the situation never ends pretty. I'm usually beaten to a pulp and left half unconscious on a floor somewhere. And I know all too well that the same ending is going to happen right now.

I'm suddenly snapped out of my thoughts when dad forcefully pulls my head up by my hair and slams my face brutally down on the kitchen work top.

“How dare you forget! How dare you come back here on this day! How dare you beg me to let go of you and show you mercy! You fucking deserve every piece of this you little shit!” he yells, slamming my head down on the concrete service several times making black spots appear in my vision.

I choke out a pathetic hysteric sob in desperate hope he would stop the agonising torture. My shaky legs give way but my father’s tight gripped stopped me from falling, he wasn’t letting me go no where.

I was so stupid coming back here and thinking it would be any different. I just wanted him to stop hurting me or better, put me out of my misery for good. Please, I just want this all to end.

I was begging him to stop but he ignored every plead and cry I let out and carried on hitting me. I was being punished for something, something which involves mum? Then I guess I deserved to be punished if I couldn't remember. Dad always made it clear it was my fault that she left.

“Shall I refresh your memory Oliver? Shall I remind you that this day exactly 11 years ago was the day you made your mother and brother leave us!” He said spitefully through his gritted teeth.

My heart sunk. Oh no. How did I forget?! Out of all the days of the year, this was the one day I resented most. The day I did everything in my power to avoid and to avoid my father’s violence.

I deserved to be punished just for forgetting.

Heartbreaking memories of that night flooded my mind and forcing me to relive that nightmare. I squeezed my eyes shut tight hoping the memories would disappear but I never got my wish.

Images of the tears running down my mothers face, the way she held me close to her chest and told me I needed to stay strong. The heartbreaking crack in her voice when she told me she loved me, the confusion I felt when she told me to say goodbye to Tom. The shattering feeling of abandonment when she picked up my little brother and ran down the stairs leaving me screaming and crying to take me with her on the top step. Terrifying yells of my fathers voice filled the whole house, the distraught moment when I realise that my mother was never coming back for me. The terrifying and horrific pain I first felt of my father’s hand and his violence towards me continued then on.

The flashbacks were all too much for me to take. Each one was tearing me apart inside all over again. It torture never ended. Where was my mother to help me now? Where was she to save me from this disgusting revolting human being who was called my father? Where was she?!

“You don’t deserve to live!” My father yelled in disgust, throwing me to the kitchen floor. I knocked over several pots and pans as I hit the floor with a thud.

“Get up!”

I refuse to move, what was the point? He’s only going to hurt me either way. I can’t fight back, I never dared to. I was too afraid what would happen to me if I did fight back and failed.

I blinked several times as I tried to focus my vision on the kitchen floor tiles. My face was sitting in a pool of blood, I had no idea where it was coming from, I was past caring anyway. Blood was a close friend of mine, we greeted each other like old friends as I stared at it flow away from under my face towards other objects which were scattered across the floor.

“Don’t you fucking ignore me you useless piece of shit!”

My father kicked me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me and a loud whimper to escape my throat.

The battering never stopped. Every kick, every shove, every pound caused a new numbness of pain. Every cry for help was just a simple waste of breath.

He placed his foot on top of my ribs, crushing down on them with brutal force making me scream out with pain and choking up blood which spluttered out all over me.

The pain was unbelievable, I’ve never felt physical pain like this before, I couldn’t breathe. My body was screaming out for help but there was nothing I could do to help it, I was too weak. I was completely hopeless.

My father dropped to his knees, grabbed a hold of me and slammed my back into the kitchen wall, making me cough up blood once more. My body went limp. I couldn’t move the pain was too much for me to bare. I just wanted this all to end, I couldn’t take this anymore.

His hands found their way to my neck and his grip tightened blocking off my air waves. I opened my eyes in panic and looked straight ahead of me to my father and saw nothing but hell in his eyes.

“Go to hell for heaven sakes Oliver!” he growls sickeningly.

For some unknown reason I struggled to get free of his grip. My hand pulled at his wrist in hopes I would loosen his hold and catch my breath.

My eyes scatter around the room and that's when I see a knife not far from my reached. I strained my arm as far as I could to get it, ignoring every inch of pain my body felt, ignoring the light headiness and trapped air my throat cried out for. I had to get this knife.

I finally got hold of the knife and frantically held it to my fathers throat, his eyes widen at my sudden confidence to fight back.

His hands dropped from my neck as he let out a cruel laugh.

“Take your best shot Oliver, I dare you!” He mocked me.

My hands were shaking from fear; tears streaming down my face, adrenaline was pumping through my veins as I held the sharp object to his neck. As much as I wanted to slit his throat, I couldn’t.
Why should he get the easy way out, I was the one who was in desperate need of death. I should get the honours of leaving this evil world behind.

I shoved the knife into my father’s hands and gripped my hands around his and pointed the knife towards myself.

“K-kill me!” I screamed. My weak arms falling back to my sides as I begged for death.

“Please just kill me!” I begged again sound more heart wrenching.

My father didn’t hesitate my need, he held the cold sharp blade against my throat, it thirst for my blood, for my life.

“You want me to take your pathetic life?” He questions.

“Please!” I choke. And he stares darkly into my eyes.

What was he waiting for?! All he had to do was slice, just one slice and then this pathetic life of mine would be over.

My father chuckled, a sick smirk forming across his lips as he dropped the knife from my neck.

“It would be all too easy Oliver." He says standing up.

No! What was he doing? No, please just kill me, please!
Why was he torturing me?! Why couldn’t he just end it here and now?! Why was he keeping me alive when he clearly didn't want me around himself.

“No!” A broken cry escaped my lips as I watch him step away from me.

“As if I will give you the satisfaction of death. Worthless boy, I will never be that kind to you!” He seethes.

I watch my dad walk out the back door, leaving me in pieces on the kitchen floor. I whimpered in misery. My body sunk to the ground, tears and pain over taking my body and mind. I just couldn’t take this, I just wanted to die... And that's when I made my decision.

I took the knife from the floor and with every little bit of strength I had left in me, I pushed myself up from the ground and wrapped my arms around my broken ribs and staggered my way to my bedroom.

I collapse on my bed from agony, I’ve never felt so much pain before in my life, this was absolute fucking hell. I buried my face into my pillow and cried, what was this life of mine?

It wasn’t a life, it was torture.

I couldn’t bare the pain of my life no more; it was time to give myself up to death.

The kitchen knife was still clutched in my hand, and without a second thought I slice through both of my wrists, long and deep. Releasing a gasp from my painful lungs, watching the blood pour uncontrollably out of my wrists onto my bed sheets, staining them in their path.

I sighed in relief, it was about time I did this.

My body became weak as extreme loss of blood drained from my wrists rapidly, making my head dizzy and vision blurry. Was it sick to say that it felt good? I was finally on my way to death. A place I begged to go for so long and in minutes I would be there.

But before I disappeared from this sad world for good, I lifted my right arm, it was painful and heavy and through hazy eyes I started writing a message in blood on my bedroom wall. Something for my father to have pleasure in reading when he finds my lifeless body.

My arm collapse down on the bed beside me as my body took it last few breaths of life before I finally was taken over by the darkness of hell.