Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 20: Tell Me Those Three Little Words.

Josh's P.O.V

I stood in the shower; resting my hands on the tiles as I hung my head whilst the warm water ran down my body.
Last night was the toughest of our relationship yet…
Oli cried all night, refusing to say a single word to me no matter how much I cried and begged him. He was an emotional wreck and was blaming me for everything…maybe I was to blame; I did tell his mother to disappear after all but I couldn’t help what happen to Tom.
So many things has happened to him this last week, he was beaten to a pulp, tried to take his own life and lost his mother and brother yet again in the same day… I don’t know how much more he can take before something really bad happens to him.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore; He's scaring me.
I’m completely useless to him, he don’t want me anymore; he don’t talk to me, or touch me, or kiss me or even look at me… I was nothing to him.
My tears washed away down my face.
He hated me…and I knew deep down inside this wasn’t going to get better… I think he was going to leave me.
I sat down holding my legs to my chest, letting the water above my head crash down on me.
I cried heavily into my knees, he didn’t know how much I was in love with him no matter how many times I told him. His pain was ripping me apart, everything I did was because I loved him and I wanted him to be safe…I never meant to hurt him, I did everything out of love and that was all I could give him…but he obviously didn’t want that from me.
I couldn’t replace the mother and brother he once lost, I was nothing compared to them…even though I was here for him and they weren’t, I still came second best.

When I walked back into my room Oli was dressed and clinging onto his bag, he looked like he was planning on going somewhere.
“I’m going back to mine.” He whispered.
“Oli no!”
“I need to find them Josh… And I’m going with or without you.”
Clearly nothing I say was going to change his mind; and there’s no way I’m letting him out of my sight…especially going back to that horrid place.
“Fine I’ll go with you…But I’m warning you now…It’s not a pretty sight.”
He hid under his fringe, I’m not sure if he remembered the state of his bedroom how he left it… or the rest of the house for that matter.

“Are you sure you want to go in?”
He nodded, I had to ask him before we went in; I knew this was going to be hard for him having to be reminded of what happened here… the second time was bad enough for me.
We entered the kitchen through the back door; I swear anyone could easily break into this place. He lingered in the door way, he looked uncomfortable as the unpleasant sight settle in; I saw his bottom lip tremble.
“You don’t have to do this Oli.” I reassured him, placing my hand on his shoulder, but he ran past me out of the kitchen and into the corridor.
“Mum?” he cried out.
You could hear the pain in his voice, it was heartbreaking.
“Mum? Tom?!”
I heard him run up the stairs, I quickly followed, that’s a sight I don’t feel comfortable him seeing on his own…even if was his own doing.
“Oli!” I shouted, as I reached the top step.
He was stood at the foot of his bed staring at the blood written words on the wall. This place made me feel sick; it brought back all the horrible flashbacks to my mind, seeing Oli lying on his bed covered in blood, lifeless.
I took a deep breath, pushing the nasty flashbacks to the back of my mind; I needed to be strong for Oli.
“It never ends.” He mumbled.
“Oli?”
A tear fell from his eyes; I knew the memories were filling his mind just like they did to me.
“I thought she’d still be here waiting for me…”
“I’m so sorry.”
I shouldn’t have told her to disappear… Oli’s pain was too much for me to handle, my heart couldn’t take it. If I knew it would have hurt him this much, I would have bit my tongue and let her back into his life…if it meant it would make him happy I would have put up with her…but no thanks to me it was too late for that now.
He was fiddling with something in between his fingers, lost in thought… I wished I could read his mind, and then I would know what I could do to help him. He kept me in the dark with everything; I might as well be invisible.
He lit a match; his mysterious eyes watched the flame dance in his fingers.
“Oli what are you doing?”
“Burning this place to the ground.”
He dropped the match onto his blood stain sheets, making the flames spread across his entire bed, they started to grow bigger and bigger.
“Oli!” I panicked, what the hell is he playing at?!
He was just standing there staring into the flames, my heart was racing, we had to get out of here now!
I grabbed hold of his arm.
“Oli we need to go now!”
I broke him away from his thoughts as I pulled him towards the door, he looked lost and confused, like he didn't realised what he just done.
We both made a run for it.

We stopped running when we got to the playground, we were struggling to catch our breath; I could see Oli holding his ribs in pain.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” I shouted breathlessly at him.
He shook his head.
“I was sending it to hell where it belongs.”
His words scared me…he really was losing it. I’ve never seen him like this before, I couldn’t predict what he was gonna do next, he was out of control.
I heard sirens in the distance, making me jump as my eyes search the park, shit! we weren’t safe here.
“I’m going to the secret place.”
“What, no Oli that’s miles away.”
“Tom might be there.”
I opened my mouth to argue with him but didn’t. I couldn’t stop him from looking in one more place to find his brother; and besides we were safe there… he was safe there… hopefully we could talk.

We searched down by the river and through the trees and in the field but Tom wasn’t here. His mum really did take my advice and disappeared…Only wished she didn’t take Tom with her though. He really wasn’t going to forgive me for this, I’ve fucked up big time…I just didn’t want his mum or dad to ever hurt him again, I didn’t mean for his brother to be caught up in it all.
Oli was lying on his back on the ground in the field with his arm draped across his eyes; I heard him sniff a few times, I knew he was crying but I just sat beside him and bottled the pain inside myself…This was my fault and it was too late to change anything now, so I just had to deal with it. The guilt was eating away at me.
I sat there for about an hour pulling the grass out of the ground from under me, I was trying to distract myself. I don’t know why I thought coming here would make things go back to how they were, I was stupid to think Oli would speak to me here; he even broke his promise by keeping his hoodie on, I took mine off to try and encourage him but of course there was no way he was taking it off.
We sat in silence; all you could hear was the sweet songs of the birds tweeting around us.

Oli sat up wiping the tears away from his face, I didn’t dare say anything to him, I was too scared to. I curled my finger around his baby finger which rested on his knees, just to let him know I’m still here for him; surprisingly he didn’t pull away from me.
He flipped his fringe out of his face to look at me with those beautiful eyes of his, I melted. Those eyes were so heartbreaking to look into and I couldn’t help but blame myself for causing them pain. I relaxed my head against the side of his face, god I needed him in my arms so much… I’d do anything to hold him. I think he sense I was getting too close and he moved his head away from mine.
“Can we take a walk along the river?”
His words startled me.
“Y-yeah, course we can.”
We got up from the grass, leaving our things behind in the field; shockingly Oli took my hand in his and we both walked in silence down to the river. Holding hands again brought back the butterflies in my stomach, it’s been awhile since I felt them… was he slowly letting me back in? I know I shouldn’t be so impatient but all I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and give him the biggest kiss ever, right here in the middle of the forest. But I controlled my temptation.
When we got to the river Oli let go of my hand and wondered a few steps in front of me.
“Shall we play a game?”
When he turned round to face me he was smiling, I hadn’t seen his smile for over a week but it felt like forever… the feeling was unsettling; his mood completely changed in the space of 10 minutes.
“A game?” I raised an eyebrow in curiosity.
“Yeah… thought it would be something fun for us to do. Something to distract ourselves…”
His sweet smile didn’t leave his face, I was so confused; one moment he hated me and wanted to be nowhere near me and now he wants us to have fun and games with all smiles? What was going on?!
He came towards me, linking both of his hands in mine; my heart started to race, I felt nervous… like how I felt when we first got together.
“Don’t you want to play?”
“What sort of game?”
“Its kinda like hide and seek.”
“Hide and seek?”
I stared into his eyes trying to read him, but he was impossible.
“It will be fun… I thought you would have wanted us to have fun together…” He hung his head making the smile disappear from his face.
“No no of course I do, I’ll play!”
I’ll do anything to keep that smile on his face and if it meant to play hide and seek then I’ll do it 100 times if I have to.
“Okay, well you close your eyes, while I hide.”
“Oh I wanted to hide first.” I moaned.
“We can take it in turns Josh.”
“Fine Okay.”
“You have to close your eyes and count to 10…and promise no peeking Josh.”
I looked at him, didn’t he trust me enough?
“Promise me Josh, no matter what you hear you won’t open your eyes until you finish counting to 10.”
Something about his words made me feel nervous, should I been concerned? No, I trusted him with my life, I was just being silly.
I smiled back at him.
“Okay I promise.” I closed my eyes, but before I could start counting I felt Oli’s lips press against mine.
My heart began to race as I started to I kissed him back; I’ve wanted this for so long, it didn’t seem real. Our kiss was soft and slow, his taste was what my body had thrived for for days.
He suddenly pulled away, leaving me wanting more.
“I love you Josh.” His soft voice said.
My heart sank at his words.
After all this time he finally said those three little words to me, the words I wanted to hear from him more than anything in the world…he really does love me.
I felt his hands pull out of mine, as he went to hide, I wanted to open my eyes but I promised I wouldn’t.
My fingers tips traced over my lips, remembering the kiss… smiling at the three words he just spoke to me, I will never forget this moment and when I find him I’m going to smother him in heartfelt kisses.
I opened my eyes as I finished counting, scattering the forest around me; Oli was nowhere in sight.
“Ready or not here I come.”
I couldn’t stop smiling; I just wanted to find him so I could show him how much he means to me.
I walked up and down the river twice; I searched behind every rock and every tree, but I couldn’t find him.
Something didn’t feel right.
“Oli?” I called for him but there was no answer.
“Oli baby, I give up I can’t find you!”
My heart began to race as I started to get anxious. He was gone.
But why, where would he go?
“Oli!” I shouted even louder than before, but I was only met with the sound of the leaves rustling in the wind.
My breathing began to get heavy; my eyes were searching through the forest like crazy, not leaving no tree unlooked.
No, please.
He can’t have just left me? He finally told me he loves me… So how can he just disappear? The worse entered my mind…
No! I ran back to the field, where we left our belongings hoping he would be there!
“Oli?!” I cried out as I stepped into the field.
He was nowhere in sight.
His bag was gone; all which was left was my hoodie and a folded piece of paper.
I opened it. It was a ripped out page from his journal, it wasn’t a letter, it was lyrics.

“Eyes like a car crash,
I know I shouldn’t look but I can’t turn away.
Body like a whiplash,
Salt my wounds but I can’t heal the way I feel about you.

I watch you like a hawk
I watch you like I’m gonna tear you limb from limb.
Will the hunger ever stop?
Can we simply starve this sin?

That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul.
And like a deer in the headlights I meet my fate,
Don’t try to fight the storm
You’ll tumble over board
Tides will bring me back to you.

And on my deathbed, all I see is you.
The life may leave my lungs,
But my heart will stay with you.

That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul.
And like a ghost in the silence I disappear.
Don’t try and fight the storm,
You’ll tumble over board
Tides will bring me back to you.

The waves will pull us under,
Tides will bring me back to you.”

Tears were streaming down my face, my heart was in my throat; I held the piece of paper to my chest. The lyrics were a confession of his painful love for me.
Reality began to settle in…Oli had left me.
I open my eyes and searched the field again to hope he was somewhere in sight.
“Oli, please.” I chocked out.
My hand grabbed my chest, I couldn’t breathe and my body was shaking; I felt like I was having a heart attack.
I fell to my knees, the pain was too much for me to bare; my heart was literally breaking.
No, how can he leave me? How can he do this to me? I love him…he loves me…Why? I don't understand.
I was in pieces, my breathing wasn’t getting better and the pain in my chest was getting worse…
I curled up into a ball, holding the piece of paper close to me; I cried uncontrollably into the ground hoping this was just all a dream.
He left me the same way his mother left him.
He told me he loved me and then disappeared.
Was this some sort of revenge? I know he blamed me for his mum and brother leaving but this was just cruel.
How can he leave me like this?
The love of my life had just disappeared forever.