Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 21: Rescue Me

Josh's P.O.V

My sore eyes woke focusing on the long grass in front of me; I was dizzy and confused, where was I?
I sat up taking in my surroundings, I was in the field and it look like it was early hours of the morning.
What am I doing here?
Something rustled in my hand; it was the piece of paper from Oli’s journal.
Reality began to settle in, and the flashbacks of yesterday played in my mind.
I let out a breathless pain of air.
Oli left me.
My hand grabbed my chest; the pain was still raw from the missing piece which had disappeared.
This explains why I’m still in the field; I must have passed out from the pain.
I was cold, hungry and dehydrated; but didn’t care the need for any of them.
My knees wobbled as I tried to stand up, I felt so weak.
I needed him to give me back my strength.
I put on my hoodie and slowly stumbled my way back home.

I stood in the doorway of my bedroom; my eyes searched the room for him. He was gone…but not only was he gone but everything he owned was gone too. His clothes, his ipod, his sonic teddy, even my grey hoodie…it was all gone. How didn’t I notice this yesterday?

My fingers traced over an empty rectangle space on my wall; a photograph was missing. It was the first ever photo I took of us; I surprise him in the playground one time, his face was hidden by his fringe but I was smiling like a stupid little kid.
It was the day he became my boyfriend, the memory upset me…making my heart ache.
I looked at all the photographs of us on my wall, they over lapped the photographs from my past underneath.
Tears rolled down my cheeks, I couldn’t bare to look at them, the pain was too much. All these happy memories were now depressing horrible memories my mind couldn’t bare to be reminded by.
I lost it and began to rip down all the photos from my wall.
“Joshua what are you doing?!” I heard my mother cry out to me.
I fell to my knees on my bedroom floor, I couldn’t take this!
“Joshua sweetheart what’s going on? Where have you been, I’ve been worried sick!”
My mother knelt down beside me on the floor, trying to get answers from me but I could hardly breathe let alone speak.
“Joshua what’s wrong?” Her voice was thick with concerned.
I looked up at her through my teary eyes; my heart ached at the words I was about to speak.
“He…He left me mum…” I croaked out, bursting back into tears as I fell into her arms.
“Oh sweetheart!”
She held me in her arms while I cried; she and dad were the only ones who knew about our relationship. They were the only ones who sort of understood how I was feeling.
“Shhhh Joshua, its okay mummy’s got you.”
My mother rubbed her hand on my back, trying to calm me down, but there was nothing she could do.
She placed me in my bed and wrapped the duvet around me, the bed sheets still smelt of him. My heart ached at the only comfort I had left of him; I clung tight to the sheets, burying my head in my pillow as I inhaled his scent.
“I’ll make you a hot chocolate with mash mellows sweetie, I know that’s your favourite.” She whispered sweetly as she left the room.
I ignored her, I couldn’t bare to stomach any food or drink right now…I just wanted my boyfriend back.

He took everything with him but his absence is everywhere I look, there was no escaping him.
It’s like a huge hole had been punched through my chest, ripping out my heart and leaving my body begging for mercy. In some ways I guess the pain is a good thing, the pain is the only reminder that he was real, I could never forget him…not ever.
At times I guess when you think about it, I almost feel ashamed. That someone... that he, could be that important to me, that without him here...i'm nothing.
He made me who I was... no one will ever understand that...or understand how much it hurts to live without him. I just feel so lost and hopeless without him. I don't think i'll ever be the same again, not really... like I will be broken forever. I would do anything to see him again...even just once. I know our relationship wasn't perfect, it was far from it... besides all of the self harming, his farther beating him, his mother leaving him, feeling abandon, him never talking to me about anything and even him hating me at the end... but there were good times, those were the memories which I couldn't handle, the ones which always tortured me. But I would do anything to have them back, I would go through all the bad times again if it meant I could hold him to my chest, sing to him, wake up to him watching me sleep with those big brown eyes, being able to kiss him, seeing his smile when I would put daisy's in his hair when we were in the field, cuddling in bed and watching films all night... fuck, I would do anything, anything to have that again with him... even just once so I could tell him how much I love him and that i'm sorry.

Months dragged by and nothing changed, my heart still begged for him. Mum told me time would heal me, but it never did and I didn’t want to be healed I wanted him back; I refuse to let go of him. Every minute without him was a desperate struggle, it was like I was in a war against life and I was losing because he weren’t with me to fight back.
Everyday I would sit in the playground or the secret place, hoping one day he would appear again, just like he once did waiting for his little brother.
Some nights I wouldn’t go back home, I would either sleep in the tunnel by the slide or in the field of the secret place, hoping I wouldn’t miss him incase he did come by when I weren’t here. But he never did show.
My life was slipping away from me, but I didn't really care.

I felt like I was being torture, my mind wouldn’t rest day or night, he was always with me.
I started having nightmares, they were always of him… lately I started to have the same nightmare.
I was drowning and I was finding it hard to breathe…everything around me was dark but at the last moment before everything goes black, I would see his face.
I woken my parents up several times from screaming, it was like as if I was losing him all over again, every night my heart would break again, I couldn’t deal with it.
They were worried about me; and they would lecture me about how I needed to sort myself out, but nothing could help me, it was too late.
They made me go to therapy, hoping talking to a complete stranger would help me get over him…Like a stranger could stop my pain, fill the hole in my chest, remove him from my mind. No, no one would ever be able to do that.
He was apart of me and there’s nothing this world could do to change that.

It was the last day of school and typical British summer weather, it was raining. I was sitting on a bench under a tree, out of the rain watching everyone from a distance. They were laughing or crying and everyone was hugging each other goodbyes as they were ready to start they’re new life…but not me. My life had stopped; I had nothing to look forward too.
“Josh.”
A sweet voice broke me away from my thoughts.
Amy was sitting beside me, I said nothing to her.
“Josh why don’t you come and say goodbye to everyone?”
I shook my head, yeah right like anyone wanted to say goodbye to me. I don’t even know why Amy bothered; it’s been months since we last spoke.
“Josh I hate seeing you like this, its not healthy you shutting yourself away from the world.”
I let out a little laugh; her words reminded me of something I would have said to him. I didn’t even realise what I’ve become;
The boy who didn’t speak, who hid in his clothing, who suffered in silences, who avoided answering every question someone asked. I turned into him without even realising.
“You miss Oli don’t you?”
I winced at his name, I couldn’t stand hearing it.
“It gets better over time Josh, trust me it really does.” She reassures me placing her hand on my knee.
It was like she somehow knew about me and him…but how?
I glanced at her and she smiled, as if she read my mind.
“There was once a time I wished you looked at me the same way you looked at him.”
I looked to the ground. Oh. I didn’t have to say anything and she knew, was it really that obvious?
“Don’t worry your secrets safe with me.”
That annoyed me; it was only a secret because he wanted it to be.
“Does Max know your talking to me?”
My words startle her.
“Erm, no…” She looked guilty.
“But I care about you Josh, and seeing you these last few months has killed me not to say anything.”
Why did she even care? There was no reason for her to care anymore, she was with Max.
She stood up from the bench as she heard Max call her from across the field.
“I have to go…But stay strong Josh, it will get better I promise.”
She gave me a hopeful sweet smile before she left.
I let out a sigh, it will never get better.

“And on my deathbed all I see is you.
The life may leave my lungs,
But my heart will stay with you.”
I had read those lyrics so many times; I knew every word by heart. But those three lines, what did they mean? I couldn’t work out if they were based on when he tried to take his life or if he was planning to end it again and he was letting me know his heart will always be with me.
It was driving me crazy, I had to know! I couldn’t bare the thought if he killed himself out there all alone… I wasn’t there to save him this time, and it would be all my fault, because I was too selfish to want to share him with his careless mother!
I couldn’t sleep, so many things were going on in my mind; and I was afraid to sleep, I didn’t want to have that nightmare again tonight.
My mind was going to explode, I had the worse headache ever, I went to search the bathroom cabinet for some pain killers.
This cabinet was stuff with all sorts of crap, so when I open it everything fell out onto me; including my fathers razor which accidentally cut my arm as I tried to catch it.
I hissed at the pain, watching the blood slowly bubble over the open wound. I stared at the blood trickle down my arm, it reminded me of his arm and how he found some sort of pain relief from cutting himself… I hated him for doing it, but I just needed something to help me get through this pain… maybe cutting was the answer?
My dad’s razor was in pieces on the floor; I picked up one of the loose blades and pressed it down against my pure skin.
My hands started to shake manically, all I had to do was drag the razor across my wrist…tears blurred my vision and my breathing became ragged. Just one slice Josh, that’s all I had to do and the pain would soon be easy to deal with.
“I can’t.”
I dropped the razor from my grip, I just couldn’t do that to myself, no matter how much I thought it would help me…I just couldn’t.
I was crying hysterically on the bathroom floor, the accidental cut stained the white bath rug. I didn’t care, I can’t believe I tried to hurt myself like that, I couldn’t believe he did this to himself repeatedly …this was so fucked up!
“Joshua!”
My father shouted in terror as he found me lying on the bathroom floor surrounded by razor blades and pills and god knows what else.
He picked me up from the floor, his eyes widen as he saw the cut on my arm. I tried to explain through my tears.
“No dad, its not what it looks like!”
“Then how do you explain this?!” He shook my arm.
“It was an accident…”
“Accident? Joshua how can this be an accident?!”
He was furious; he didn’t believe a word I said. He was convinced I was now suicidal, but I wasn’t I just had a little breakdown but nothing happened I was okay!
Mum and dad watched me like a hawk after that, they didn’t trust me to be on my own. They kept me in their sights more or less 24/7 and when I did leave the house I had to tell them exactly where I was going and how long I’d be…I was being treated like a baby.
Dad went mad at my therapist, demanding she’d better do something to sort me out soon or she’ll get the sack; it wasn’t even her fault, I’d refuse to talk to her. All she did was up dose my medication and moved me to group therapy instead; she thought maybe listening to other peoples problems would encourage me to speak about mine. But honestly I thought it was worse! Why the bloody hell did I want to listen to other people’s problems? It was depressing enough as it is and the last thing I wanted was to be judge by strangers telling me he’s just a boy and I needed to get over him and move on.
Dad drove me to therapy twice a week, he didn’t trust me enough to walk there on my own, my parents worry was suffocating me, I needed my space, why can't they just leave me alone?!
I’ve been going to group therapy for about a month or so now, and I refuse to speak every time; I didn’t want to talk about him, everyday was a struggle without him so why on earth would I want to talk about him?! These people just didn’t get it.
I sat down on one of the chairs in the circle, waiting for the session to start. One of the boys from therapy sat down next to me, I glanced at him, he's sat next to me a couple of times I think, but this is the first i've actually looked at him properly.
He had long messy curly shoulder length hair topped with a backwards baseball cap, followed by a nose ring, tan skin and dark brown eyes… he noticed me looking at him, which made him turn to face me, making our eyes meet, which I instantly freaked out and turned away from him quickly, and feeling incredibly awkward!
Please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me!
“Hey I’m Vic, you must be Josh, the guy who doesn’t speak.”
Fuck.
Wait, what?
I frowned.
“So that’s what I’m known as here.”
“Ha so you do have a voice.” he smiled.
I shrugged my shoulders at him, or course I have a voice. I just don't see how talking here is going to make me better.
“So are you gonna talk to us today?”
I shook my head urgently in response, there was no way.
“Maybe you might change your mind today.”
He said, turning away from me smiling.
Curiosity got the better of me, making me look back at him wanting answers, what did he mean by that?