Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 23: The Truth Is A Terrible Thing.

Josh's P.O.V

Kellin was honestly the nicest guy I have ever met. I’ve never met anyone who’s so happy and full of life, I don’t think he had a bad bone in his body.
Kellin and Vic together were like the biggest kids ever! They were constantly laughing and joking, messing around with each other and just doing stupid things. You could see the happiness in Vic burst out of him when he was around Kellin; they weren’t a couple but you could see how strong and comfortable their friendship was… it made me smile seeing Vic so full of joy; but my smile soon disappeared as their relationship reminded me of mine and Oli’s. Just the stupid little cute things we would do together… I envied their relationship; only because I wanted Oli with me by my side so we could be just as happy as they were.
I missed being in love with him.
I let out a sigh; was he ever coming back?

All four of us joined the que to collect our cinema tickets; I’m glad Vic convince me to come in the end, he was right I needed to get out and have some fun. Besides I was happy I was spending my Friday night with him.
I heard a few people giggling ahead of us, which made me turn around to see what was going on… it was Max and the others. Oh god, why do they have to be here? And at the same time seeing the same film as well…Max caught my eye but I turned away biting my bottom lip, I felt so uncomfortable.
“Looks like the loner has found himself some new friends.”
Max’s unkind words had everyone’s attention.
“Hey, Josh do you know those guys?” Vic sounded concerned.
“I used too…” I mumbled, hanging my head.
“Can we please see another film; I really don’t want to be here anymore.”
“What? No Josh we have the same right to be here as well as they do.”
“Please Vic.” I begged him.
“Josh, remember what we learnt… about facing our demands? You can do this, its okay I’m right here for you bro.” Vic put his arm round my neck and rustled my hair.
“Josh.” Someone called out to me.
Amy smiled and waved at me, I lightly smiled back before Max grabbed her hand and pulled her out of my sight. What a dick.
We got our tickets and headed over to get some treats for the film, I stood close to Vic I didn’t want to be seen on my own when they were around, they were only going to start trouble. Someone patted me on the shoulder; it was Amy beaming a big smile at me.
“Amy what are you doing?” My eyes scattered across the room looking for Max, I didn’t want to get her into trouble with him.
“Its okay he’s gone to the toilets.”
I saw Dan and Matt watching us from a far; this wasn’t going to end well.
“It’s so nice to see you out and about…and with new friends.”
She smiled at Vic as he turned to check on us but I gave him the okay. He turned away as he ordered our popcorn but still stood close to me as he listened in on our conversation.
“It’s nice to see you happy again Josh.”
Was I happy? I guess I was better than I have been… Therapy was getting better and Vic always cheered me up but I wouldn’t say I’m bursting with happiness, I was taking baby steps.
“I guess so…It’s nice to see you again too.” I smile politely, she wasn’t so bad, she always went out of her way to ask me how I was; I couldn’t resent her for that…Dan didn’t even come over to say hi.
“Didn’t think you were into superheroes Amy?”
“I’m not…kind of got dragged along didn’t I, it was either this or watching the football!”
We both laughed.
“Yeah I guess for you this was the better option.”
Max grabbed her arm, pulling her to his side. He looked pissed.
“Amy, what are you doing?!”
He gave me a nasty glare
“Seriously mate, why can’t you back away from my girl?”
“Max we’re just saying hello.”
He hated us talking, but to be honest his jealously was pathetic.
“Well don’t!” He snapped.
“Max stop it! It’s not his fault, I came over to say hello to him…Or aren’t I allowed to hello to people anymore?”
“Not to him you’re not.”
“Max!” She squealed at him.
Vic and Kellin were both at my side.
“Leave him alone dude, there’s nothing going on.”
“Who asked you, you stupid long haired prick?!”
That pissed me off, how dare he insult Vic like that.
“Max that’s enough!” I tried to control my temper, I didn’t want to start another fight with him, but he needed to be warned enough was enough!
“Where do you get off telling me what to do Josh?!”
“Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”
Max turn round to find Mike standing behind him; he was going to give him a mouth full of abuse but stopped as he realise Mike was the twice the size of him.
“Fuck this shit man, Amy lets go!” He dragged her along with him, but she turned and mouthed something to me.
“I’m sorry!”
I shrugged my shoulders at her; there was nothing I could say.
“Josh you alright?” Vic placed his hand on my shoulder.
“Y-Yeah.” I nodded.
“Who was that girl?”
“An old friend…”
I didn’t want to get all in to that, it was all in the past and that’s where they will belong.
“Well done for standing up to him…that’s one demand you can cross off your list.” Vic hinted a smile.
“Come on guys the film will start without us if we don’t hurry up!” Mike moaned at us like an impatient child.
I took a deep breath, lets get this over with.
The film was awesome and we headed back to Vic & Mike’s place afterwards to hang out. Vic and Kellin bought some beer for us all while we sat and played FIFA on their xbox. It became a competition when me and Mike went head to head; I honestly hadn’t had this much fun in ages, I felt like a normal teenager again. It was late and I was still at Vic’s, Kellin left about an hour ago and Mike buggered off to his room leaving me and Vic on our own. We played another game of FIFA for the next hour, but it was getting late and I felt like I should start heading home.
“I should go home.” I put down the controller and stretched my arms, hinting I was tired and should call it a night.
“Josh its late; you might as well stay the night.”
I didn’t feel too comfortable about that, I was still having nightmares…I have started waking myself up more often during them but I didn’t want to push it.
“Vic I can’t…”
“Look you can have my bed and I’ll sleep on the floor, I ain’t letting you go home at this time.”
He only had a small single bed, I felt bad for taking his bed but we couldn’t possibly both fit in it… It was 1.30AM and both my parents would be asleep by now, so there was no chance ringing them to come pick me up. I let out a sigh; Vic wasn’t going to let me go home either…I had no choice but to stay.
“I’ll only be a few feet away from you so if you get scared just wake me up.”
“I’m not scared…”
I didn’t want him to worry about me going to sleep, but he looked at me as if he knew I was lying.
“Right, well if you need anything I’m here.”
He knew about my nightmares, and I think he sense I was nervous about falling asleep too no matter how much I tried to hide it.
We both layed down for the night, and he spoke to me for hours about any random stuff; he was trying to distract my mind before I fell asleep. He was such a good friend doing this for me; he was trying everything to make me feel as comfortable as possible, I really did owe him for this. A few moments passed without us saying anything, Vic started to snore slightly… I giggled. Bless him, he must have been knackered and he tried so hard to stay up as late as he could with me.
But now I was alone in his bed and alone with my thoughts…I wasn’t going to fall asleep, I was too scared, I didn’t want to freak Vic out from my nightmare. I stared up at the ceiling focusing on a line of light shining across it from the street light outside Vic’s window.

“Josh! Josh wake up!”
I felt someone shaking me.
I woke up in a daze, my vision was blurred; all I could see was Oli’s face but the voice didn’t match his. I was still half asleep, I had no idea where I was and I freaked out and backed myself up in the corner of the bed against the wall.
“Josh it’s me Vic, its okay.” His voice was soothing.
My heart was racing as my sleepy teary vision focus on Vic…Shit I fell asleep!
His mother came charging into his room ranting at us in Mexican; I had no idea what she was saying. I felt so bad; I knew this would happen… I leant my head against the wall and cried into it; why didn’t I wake myself up this time?! I thought I was getting better at this! Fuck! Why, why, why?!
I hugged my knees to my chest as I cried hysterically, I felt so embarrassed and confused I have no idea what the hell is going on in my head, I just want this all to stop.
Vic got rid of his mother but as soon as he closed the door Mike came charging in.
“Who the bloody hell was screaming?!” Mike looked all confused and pissed.
“Mike can you just go back to bed, let me deal with this.”
He pushed Mike out of his room and then crawled onto the bed next to me, pulling me away from the wall and taking me in his arms. I couldn't stop shaking... the memory of Oli's face was still raw in my head, he was torturing me.
“Shhhh Josh, its okay. Take deep breaths in through the mouth and out slowly through the nose.”
He was calming me down from my panic attack, taking me through my breathing step by step as I gradually started to calm down.
My heart rate slowed and I didn’t feel panicky anymore, those techniques really helped. Fuck I must look a right state to him right now…I buried my teary face into his chest; I found his warmth comforting.
“Shit Josh, I didn’t realise how bad they were.”
I didn’t say anything to him, I felt so embarrassed that this happen, I should of just gone home.
“How long have you been having these nightmares?”
“Awhile…” I mumbled into his chest.
“And they’re always of him?”
My silence answered his question, I really didn't want to go into all this right now. I felt him rest his chin on the top of my head and lightly run his fingers through my hair.
“I’m sorry for waking you…I tried my best not to fall asleep.” I wept into his chest, I felt so guilty.
“Don’t be sorry, I’m sorry for not understanding them properly.”
He knew I had nightmares, but I never told him in depth what they were like.
He sunk back into the pillow against the wall, still holding me close; we both clung to each other on this tiny single bed of his. I felt him tighten his arms around me as I buried my face into his chest and continued to weep.
"I'm here."
He slowly began drawing soft circles into my arm, it was helping my body relax but my tears still lingered in my eyes.
“I’ll keep you safe Josh.” He whispered.
Something about those words made me feel like I could trust him, even though I feel like I can't trust or let anyone in anymore, but something about him saying he'll keep me safe... deep down I knew those words were true. He was going to keep me safe, Vic was going to do all he could to protect me, his strong tan arms held my body tight against his, already holding me safe from my nightmares. My eyes were feeling heavy and in no time I drifted off to sleep to the sweet sound of his heartbeat.

I woke from the sunlight shining into Vic’s room; I laid still for a couple minutes, taking in last nights mayhem sink in, fuck, last night was bad... probably one of the worse i've been and of course it had to happen when I was with Vic. I took a sneaky peek up at Vic but he was still asleep. Last night must have tired him out…I felt so guilty and embarrassed.
I was still in his arms, we both hadn’t move from the same spot all night; He manage to get me back to sleep so easily…I hadn’t had a decent nights sleep in months, I felt safe in his arms, he said he'd keep me safe and he did... a small smile appeared on my lips.
I was lost in thought, lightly stroking his arms which wrapped around me, he had the softest nicest skin ever. I started fiddling around with the bracelets tied around his wrist, I like how they were so him, he never seemed to take them off considering the tired worn condition they were in, I wanted to have one.
Whilst still playing around with his bracelets, I noticed three lines a crossed his wrist, I froze.
Please don't tell me they're what I think they are. I separated the bracelets from each other so I could take a better look at his wrist, my eyes widen as I stared down at the faint scars which were marked on his skin... they were self harm scars.
They imminently reminded me of Oli. They were no where near as bad as Oli's, his arm was totally covered and destroyed by scars but Vic, he only had three faded lines. I traced over the three scars with my finger, they were healed faded light lines...they must be old, but they were still permanent on his skin forever. I didn't think Vic would do this sort of thing to himself... he doesn't seem the type... but who is a self harmer type? you can never tell to be honest. And a past like Vic's I should have expected this. I searched the rest of his arms for anymore scars or bruises... I became extremely paranoid. It was force of habit I suppose, seeing I had to deal with Oli being covered in them and worry and wonder why and where they were all coming from. The last thing I need is the same thing happening to Vic.
Please, I can't go through the same worry and paranoia with Vic too, i'm too much of a wreck right now to be able to handle this.
My heart ached at the sight of the scars.
Why is everyone I seem to get close to have these heartbreaking scars? I don't understand.
I can't even think of the pain and hurt hes gone through to do that to himself, even though I know his story, I can never imagine what that feels like. He must have felt so alone... I placed a soft kiss on the scars on his wrist, I felt like I had to kiss the sadness of his past, I kissed them with the care they need. Vic said he'll keep me safe and I owe it to him to make sure hes okay too, make sure he will never relasps and do this again.
I place his arm back around me and nuzzled my head into his chest, it must have woken him.
“Hey.” He yawned, tightening his arms around me.
“Hey.” I didn’t look up at him, I still felt really embarrassed.
I was afraid he might think last night was abit too much and wouldn’t want to get involved with me…I wouldn’t blame him, I was pretty fucked up and I probably was coming off really clingy too…but only because he was the only one I had, the only one who seemed to understand me…and I enjoy being in his company…and in his arms.
“Did you manage to fall back to sleep alright?”
“Yes…Thank you for last night.”
“I’m here for you Josh… always.”
I glance up and smiled at him; He tapped me on the nose with his finger and smile back.
“You’re kinda cute in the morning.” He smiled.
I felt my cheeks burn red and my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. Shit, he didn’t just say that to me?! I smiled shyly back at him making our eyes lock once again. His hand rubbed my back which awoken the butterflies in my stomach; it’s been awhile since I felt them…they were unsettling. I stared at his lips, apart of me wanted them… but Oli filled my mind making me feel guilty as sin, so I pulled out of Vic’s hold and sat up against the wall. What am I doing? He doesn’t want me like this…
“You okay?” He looked a little disappointed.
“Yeah…” I lied.
"You sure?"
He sat up and rest his forehead against mine, leaving our lips only inches apart…I felt nervous.
Did I want him enough to do this? apart of me wanted to kiss him, apart of me needed to kiss him...
I wasn’t quite sure what was happening…or how I really felt… My mind was all over the place,I couldn't do this right now.
I ducked my head down to the side, away from his lips.
“I think I should go home, mum will start getting worried if I’m not back soon.” I used her as an excuse so he wouldn’t make me stay longer…even though I wanted too.
He let out a sigh and moved my fringe out of my face.
“Okay, but make sure you text me when you get home.”
I nodded at him.

Mum was in the kitchen making tea, I stole an ice bun which was left on the table.
“Hello sweetheart, would you like a cup of tea?”
“Erm no I’m okay.”
“How was last night, I was worried about you staying over at your friends…was everything alright?”
She was hinting at my nightmares, I nodded at her.
“Vic helped me calm down…He taught me some breathing techniques…”
“Aw that was very nice of him, it’s nice to know he’s there for you, you need someone to make you feel safe from time to time.”
Yes he did make me feel safe…the safest I’ve felt in a long time.
“Your friend Vic, does he make you happy?”
She was being nosey, but she meant well.
“Y-yes…”
“Aww sweetheart, I’m so glad you’ve made a new friend who makes you happy.” She hugged me tight.
He does make me happy, the happiest I’ve felt in a really long time… but the hole in my chest was still there.
“I’m gonna have a shower.”

Me, Vic, Kellin and Mike would more or less hang out all the time; I’ve become really good friends with them all and I felt like I had so much more in common with them, I didn’t feel like I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t… If was even better that they knew me and Vic went to therapy; felt like Kellin and Mike understood us and I never felt judge by them.
Me and Vic had become even more closer to each other, nothing has happen…but every now again we would cuddle and whenever we’d stay the night together he would stay up most of the night with me just to make sure I knew he was there, keeping me safe when I woke from my nightmares. He was really something special.

We all planned to have band practice at Vic’s but Mike ended up bailing on us and Kellin wasn’t answering his phone; It looked like it would just be me and Vic song writing together instead, which didn’t bother me at all…I secretly liked it when it was just the two of us anyway.
“Do you have a pen I can use?”
“Yeah, look in that top draw.”
Vic was still trying to get hold of Kellin, while I looked in his draw for a pen so I could write some lyrics down.
His draw was filled with so much junk, god knows how he found anything in here; it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack! There was a photograph piled underneath the junk, I pulled it out to have a look, it seemed like an old school photo. I burst out laughing when I saw how ridiculously young Vic and Kellin looked, but someone else in the photograph standing next to Vic caught my eye. There was a guy wearing a black hoodie, hiding his face with his long black fringe…he reminding me of Oli.
I scanned the names written under the photo…and there it was in black and white “Oliver S Sykes” I gasp, holy shit!
My hands started shaking and I felt like I was going to be sick. What the fuck?! Oli was in a school photo with Vic…He knew him?
“Josh you alright?”
“Oli…” I gasp, I couldn’t get my words out, I was so shaken.
“Josh?” Vic placed a hand on my shoulder and moved the phone away from his ear; he knew something was wrong with me.
“Oli is in this photo with you…” I handed him the photo.
“What? You mean Oliver Sykes is your Oli…?”
I nodded franticly, a lump form in my throat and my eyes started to water. What did this mean?! I had to know.
“You went to school with him?”
“Yeah, he was in the year below me…we used to be friends.”
I let out another gasp of air, I couldn’t believe this.
“W-what do you mean you used to be friends?”
“Josh…”
He looked at me with distress in his eyes, biting his lip…he was hiding something from me, I had to know.
“Vic tell me!”
“I thought he was dead.” His words startled me.
“What?! What do you mean you thought he was dead?” I screamed back, full of confusion.
“He was really fucked up in the head Josh…Like some of the lyrics he used to write, they would scare the shit out of me…”
“He let you read his lyrics?”
“Yeah, we were in the same music class.”
Oli never let me read any of his lyrics, he always refuse whenever I asked him. I was jealous…why would he show Vic and not me? I was his boyfriend, why wouldn’t he show me them? And why on earth did Vic think he was dead? I felt sick to my stomach but I had to know…I needed to know.
“But…But what made you think he was dead?”
“Josh I can’t…” He started to well up but I didn’t understand, I needed to know what made him think that.
“No please Vic, you have to tell me!”
He hesitated, but I begged him to tell me.
“One day at school I found him in the toilets… and he was trying to hang himself…”
My heart sank, I felt sick at the thought. He tried to kill himself before? He was so unhappy, even way before he met me…
“What happened?”
“I manage to stop him but he went crazy, he wouldn’t listen to me Josh! I tried to help him but he didn’t want to be helped.”
“So you gave up on him?!”
“He disappeared into thin air, he stopped coming into school, he wouldn’t answer any of my calls... he just vanished! I just assumed he killed himself…”
“You assumed?! Didn’t you try to find him? Didn’t you worry about him at all?!”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, this was all too much for me to take, I felt dizzy.
“Josh you know what he’s like, if he didn’t want to be found he’d make sure no one would find him…”
“You were supposed to be his friend! You knew he was suicidal and you just gave up on him!” I was hysterical, I was yelling at Vic while I had tears streaming down my face and shaking like a leaf!
“No Josh it wasn’t like that at all, no one really knew anything about him… he kept himself to himself. It was impossible to ever know where he was.”
He was right…that was just how he was. But I refuse to give up on him!
“So what now? Am I just meant to sit back and believe he’s dead and not do anything about it?!”
“Josh please, calm down.” He tried to caress me but I pushed him away.
“No! I won’t give up on him! I won’t give up on him like you did, or like his useless mother did and whoever else did! I will never give up! Never!”
He tried to wrap his arms around me again but I pushed him off me harder this time making him stumble backwards a little; I felt betrayed by him. He gave up on the one I love…the one who was so desperate for help and everyone around him gave up on him. What was wrong with these people?!
“Don’t touch me! I-I can’t do this, I need to find him!”
I ran towards the door.
“Josh, where are you going?”
“Don’t you get it? There was always someone around to save him, but now he’s out there somewhere all alone and there is no one to save him this time!”
I couldn’t bare the thought of Oli being all alone wanting to end his life…or he could even be dead already for all I know! I promised him I would make him happy every day for the rest of his life and I’ve failed…He might have left me but I will never give up on him…that was my new promise to him, to never give up.
I pushed past Vic and ran out of his room; I was so hurt, by him, by Oli, even by myself. I was stupid enough to let myself get distracted; Oli needed me and I was selfish to push him to one side and treat my petty depression. But not anymore… I will find him if it’s the last thing I do.