Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 24: Tides Will Bring Me Back To You.

Josh's P.O.V

I scanned in a photo of me and Oli but cropped myself out of it, I started posting his picture on as many missing people websites as I possibly could. The photos I had of him weren’t great, he would always try and hide his face in them, but the one I posted he was smiling a little and you can just about see his eyes, which I thought was good because the more features you could see the better. I was determine to find him and I was doing everything I could to give myself the best chances of finding him…dead or alive. No I can’t think like that…deep down inside I know he’s still alive…my heart would have sense if his heart stopped beating.
I reported Oli missing to the police but they wasn’t much at all; Its hard to report someone missing when they’re 18+ and their parents haven’t reported them as a missing person. So much for that ever happening… Oli burnt down his house, so his drunken father was probably lying in a ditch somewhere and his mother was god knows where on this planet. They couldn’t care less where he was.
I made some missing posters and started putting them up all over town, in every shop, in every park, in every phone box, social event, mum and dad even put them up at work for me…I was trying everything. I would sit and stare at my phone all day long; hoping I would receive a phone call that someone knew where he was or had seen him, anything. But I got nothing.
I hadn’t spoken to Vic since our argument. He phoned and texted me a million times but I wasn’t interested to hear what he had to say. I was still so angry at him, he could have helped him and maybe Oli wouldn’t have been so fucked up like he was.
I walked into therapy but I wasn’t planning on sticking around; I only came in to put up a missing poster of Oli on the notice board. I awkwardly looked behind me and I saw Vic staring at me with heartbreaking eyes… I quickly turned away and headed for the door; I didn’t want to face him.
“Josh, wait!”
I ignored him and began to walk faster towards the exit of the building, I didn’t want to cause a scene but he grabbed my hand bringing me to a stop.
“Josh please just hear me out!”
I pulled my hand out of his; I didn’t want him touching me.
I hung my head and just stared at the floor, I couldn’t even look at him.
“Please look at me.”
I shook my head.
He placed his finger under my chin but I stepped backwards away from his touch. Things were different now, and he needed to know I can’t be distracted anymore.
“We can’t be friends anymore Vic…” I sounded cold and heartless.
“What, why…?” his eyes looked tortured.
I kept quiet.
“Josh…I-I know your hurting, its killing me seeing you like this but please don’t do this… Don’t do this to us.”
“I have to go.”
“Please Josh.”
“I’ve got things to do.”
I started backing away from him.
“Like what? Waste more of your time sticking up these stupid posters?”
“They’re not stupid! They’re more what you ever did!”
“When are you gonna realise?! He left you Josh remember, he didn’t want you anymore…he left you alone, he didn’t care about you!”
The hole in my chest burned at the sound of his words; I glared at him.
“Don’t ever speak to me again Vic.” I gritted through my teeth.
His face went from anger to agony in a second.
“No, Josh please, I’m sorry… Please we can sort this out, just come and talk in therapy …”
“I’m not wasting my time talking about petty problems when I could be doing more important things with my time.”
“Like failing to find Oli…?”
That hurt. Why can’t he understand that I have to do this, I’m trying my best to find him. It’s hard being the only one in the world who cares about him and actually wants to find him.
“He’s not coming back Josh, the sooner you realise that the better…you need to move on.”
Hurt choked in my throat and tears started to fill my eyes.
“Out of all the people in the world I thought you would understand…you’re meant to be my best friend, but you don’t care at all how I feel do you?”
He managed to put his arms around me, pulling me close to him; I didn’t pull away, I just kept my head down so my eyes wouldn’t meet his.
“That’s not true; I care about you more than anything, why can’t you see that? I just don’t want to see you throwing your life away… Josh its time to move on.”
He lent his head against mine.
“Josh I’m begging you, please stay so we can talk…”
A tear rolled down my cheek but Vic wiped it away from my face with his thumb; I relaxed my cheek into his hand and let out a gulp of air… I was so confused. How does he make me want him like this…I was still so angry with him but I also wanted to cry into his chest and let him hold me safe.
“We don’t have to keep doing this to each other…”
“Yes we do.” I sniffed.
“No we don’t.”
I let him pull my face close to his; bringing my lips only inches away from his. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my lips, making them quiver for his taste. Why does he always do this to me? If he wasn’t holding me my knees would have gave way, I was trembling at this moment, my head was spinning… I needed him so much… It’s been so long since I felt like this, felt anything for anyone.
I felt his bottom lip brush lightly against my top lip… I let out a ragged breath of air…I didn’t know if I could do this, it was a big decision to make… did I want him in this way? I don’t know… everything was happening too fast I couldn’t think properly! But thankfully my mind brought me back to reality; I was distracted yet again…
Oli.
I pulled away from Vic, pushing him aside before things got out of hand.
“Josh…?”
He seemed hurt and confused but my eyes didn’t leave the floor.
“I’m never going to give up on him.” I whispered to him as I left the building.

I hadn’t been to therapy in the last two weeks, dad would drive me there but when I got to the door of the building dad would drive away; giving me the opportunity to run off and look for Oli some more.
I searched everywhere I could possibly think of, in homeless shelters, parks, hospitals, I even when back to his horrible chavy estate and posted a missing poster of him through every letter box; someone here must know something.

I was alone again…and things started to get bad again too. The full agony of pain formed in my chest again, it was difficult to breathe at times…I just felt so much pain all the time… I didn’t have Oli or Vic… I had no one. I fell back into bad habits; closing myself off from the world, I stopped taking my medication, the nightmares got worse, I couldn’t wake myself up from them anymore, I would lie to my parents about staying at Vic’s but really I would be in the playground or the field waiting for him…
Every second of everyday became more of a struggle; the pain was far too much for me… Nothing seemed like it was getting better, the world was a dark cruel place and it was impossible to get through it any longer without them…without him.
I’ve been awake for about half an hour now, but hadn’t left my bed; what was the point? Everyday was the same ruthless pain, I hadn’t spoken to Vic or the rest of the guys, I hadn’t heard anything from anyone about my posters, I hadn’t commutated with anyone from the outside world in days… there was no point in this pathetic life anymore.
My phone vibrated on my bed side table, but I ignored it and buried my head underneath my pillow, I was hidden from the world under here. I knew it would be from Vic, I hadn’t replied to any of his texts in weeks… he was too much of a distraction and he made it clear he didn’t want to help me find Oli… but I must admit I missed him so damn much. For one moment, I started to believe Vic was healing the hole in my chest…but I was wrong. The pain had become worse…unbearable… if it wasn’t Vic’s absence’s ripping me apart it was Oli’s. God knows how I’m still in one piece?!
20 minutes or so passed and I was still hiding under my pillow; I let out a sigh. Maybe I should get out of bed…I need to keep my promise and never give up.
I made my way downstairs to find the kitchen table filled with presents and cards address to me; my tired eyes looked at the calendar hanging on the wall, today was my 18th birthday. Shit, who forgets there own birthday? Me obviously, but today was just like any other day; another day trying to find Oli, nothing special at all. There was a note from my mother left on the table:
“Happy birthday sweetheart! Go ahead and open your presents, we will have a little celebration take away when me and your father come home from work. Love you lots xxx”

There was nothing to celebrate, I didn’t want to sit down and pretend everything was okay because it wasn’t. What’s the point celebrating something when you don’t have your love ones with you? I turned over the note and wrote my own message:

“No need for take out, me and the guys are celebrating at Vic’s so I won’t be back home till later. Don’t wait up, Josh x”

I hated lying to them; but it was for their own good, they would only worry about me and hold me hostage in the house if they knew what I’ve really been up to… What they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them.

I sat on the swing in the playground; today has been absolute shit! I’ve been handing out posters to everyone all morning, for what?! For ignorant people to just throw them on the floor without a second thought! I hate people, what was wrong with the world? They didn’t even care and didn’t even stop and ask me questions about him. I hung my head, I feel like I’m failing him, but what else can I do? I’m honestly trying the best I can…but it’s still not enough. I was lost with my thoughts.

“Happy birthday!”
A girly voice shouted behind me, making me jump up from the swing in fright! It was Amy and Dan…what the hell do they want?!
“What the fuck?! H-how do you even know it’s my birthday?”
“We’re your friends Josh; of course we know when it’s your birthday!” She made herself sound so sure we were friends.
“How did you know I was here…?” I mumbled under my breath, this was a place I hid from people when I couldn’t be bothered to trek to the secret place.
“My house is just around the corner remember silly…”
“What do you want?”
“It’s your birthday and we’re celebrating it, right Dan?”
He shuffled, looking really uncomfortable to be here.
“Errr yeah, can’t celebrate your 18th on your own now…”
“Thanks but I’d rather not.” I sat back down on the swing, hinting I wasn’t going anywhere.
“We’re celebrating whether you like it or not so suck it up!”
Amy nodded at Dan, who placed his hands on my shoulders.
“We could do this the easy way or the hard way Josh.”
I sighed.
“Whatever.” I murmured. Let’s just get this over with!

The three of us sat awkwardly in the corner of our local pub…I hadn’t been here since Max’s birthday and that didn’t end well.
I hated every second sitting here with them, why on earth did they have to do this?! I couldn’t think of anything worse, sitting with people you don’t even talk to anymore…the awkward silence was driving me crazy! I know Amy was only being nice but this was ridiculous.
“So erm Josh, I’ve seen your missing posters around…have you heard anything?”
Oh god why is she asking me this?!
“He doesn’t really count as a missing person if he ran away though…”
I winced at Dan’s true words which made my heart ache.
I felt Amy kick him under the table, sending him a death stare.
Another awkward silence formed, I just want to get away from here as fast as possible.
“Erm, I’ll get us another round in.” Dan awkwardly walked off towards the bar.
“Josh I’m so sorry about what he said!”
“Why are you here?”
“Because me and Dan are your friends, we want to celebrate your birthday with you.”
“Don’t lie…I know you forced Dan to come along, you shouldn’t have bothered.”
“Josh you don’t mean that, its nice us sitting here all together.”
I said nothing, she must have been mad if she didn’t realise how awkward this was.
“And besides, I wanted to say goodbye to you in person before I leave for uni next month.”
I looked at her, of course she was going to uni; everyone was apart from me… my grades were okay surprisingly at the circumstances but I didn’t apply to go to any universities or jobs…my life just suddenly stopped after he left me.
As much as she annoyed me with her constant attachment to me; I must admit I was going to miss her. Everyone I seemed to care about had been leaving me lately…or I left them. Either way I was losing people, I felt sick at the thought of being all alone…I stood up.
“Sorry Amy but I have to go!”
“Please don’t go Josh, have one more drink with us?”
She pleaded; looking all upset with me…I couldn’t do this.
“I can’t… good luck with uni.”
I needed to get as far away from here as possible, somewhere no one could find me or distract me…I need to be alone with my thoughts. The only place I knew was the field of the secret place, I was safe there.

I sat in the field, forcefully pulling the petals off a poor innocent daisy.
“He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me…he loves me not…” I chocked out the last words.
I held onto the last petal while my last words sunk in…No! It’s not true, he does love me! He told me so himself! I took my anger out on the petal throwing it on the ground and stamping on it. Tears started to fall from my eyes, I’ve had enough of everything, and I’ve had enough of him! I picked up my bag and shook it upside down letting all the posters fall out of it. The wind carried them away from me; blowing them in every direction of the field.
I fell to my knees, clenching onto the grass and ripping it from their roots; I was hysterical with pain.
“No I can’t do this anymore! I just can’t!” I yelled through my tears.
I know the ending of this story he’s never coming back not ever.
He’s either dead or just never coming back to me.
Reality is he’s gone forever.
I finally broke down, I couldn’t control my mind or body any longer, and I finally had enough of this pathetic life of mine.

I staggered along the side of the river and started filling my pockets with as many large stones I could possibly find. I remember when I was younger, being on holiday with my parents, I would search the beach for stones and shells, putting them in my bucket and adding them to the rest of my collection at home.
But this time I wasn’t collecting them, I was putting them to good use, letting them weigh down my pockets.
I’m not sure how deep the river is, but I’m sure it’s pretty deep down at this end; either way I just need enough to keep my head under the water.
I couldn’t live without him anymore; I didn’t want to live without him…
“Oliver I love you so much…” I whispered to myself.
Hopefully in another life we’ll be together again. Tears escaped my eyes, but I let them fall as I unsteadily climbed along the big tree trunk which layed across the river.
I didn’t care about anyone or anything anymore…I just wanted to die.
I sat in the middle of the tree above the river, taking in my surroundings.
I started to sing through the lyrics in my head, those beautiful painful lyrics he left me with.
“Tides will bring me back to you.” I mumbled to myself.
It was now time…I closed my eyes and let myself fall backwards, crashing down into the cold dark river. The stones in my pockets dragged me deep down into the river; I didn’t fight against the water piling on top of me, I let it take me.
The river got darker and darker the further I sank; water flooding my throat and lungs making me chock out a load of bubbles, making my chest burn and cry for oxygen but I ignored it.
The freezing cold water started to numb every inch of my body, I couldn’t think anymore; it wasn’t like I was fighting against it anyway, I let the river take over my body. I was drowning…I was finally dying.
It was about time…I was kind of relieved that it was almost over; I didn’t have to feel the brutal pain of his absence anymore, I can finally rest in peace with him.
My back slammed against the river floor, making more bubbles painfully escaped my throat, I could hardly breathe.
My eye lids became heavy and black spots masked my vision, the spots got wider by the second blocking the dark foggy mist of the river from my sight. But before the darkness took me completely, through my fuzzy blurred vision I swear for a moment, I saw him….Oliver.
My nightmare had now become reality.