Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 28: I Know Something You Don't Know.

Vic's P.O.V

“Josh!” My younger brother grabbed Josh up into a big bear hug, taking him by complete surprise.
“Where have you been dude, it’s been like forever!”
“Oh err, sorry about that… long story.”
Josh seemed abit taken back at how much Mike actually missed him; well we all have, it’s a shame he hasn’t notice.
“Mike gives us a moment will you?”
“Sure.”
He walked back into his room, leaving us to it. He knew we had a lot to talk about. I nodded my head towards my room to Josh, let get this over with.

I slouched down into my bean bag on the floor, as I made myself comfortable; I knew we were going to be talking for awhile.
I pointed to the bed for Josh to sit down but he refused, he stood with his arms crossed to his chest pulling a sourer face. I let out a sigh, he’s still angry with me… it hurt knowing I upset him, I didn’t want this and I know he’s not going to make this any easier than it could be. I guess I better prepare for him to be angrier at me.

“So, where do we start?”
“Nothing you say about him is going to change how I feel.” He snaps.
“You need to hear the truth Josh.” I say calmly, there’s no point screaming and shouting over this because I know he won’t listen, but maybe it I keep my cool he will to give me a chance.
“I don’t wanna hear it.”
“Only because you’re afraid you might hear something which might change your mind about him.”
“No it won’t, I just know its not going to change anything… so there’s no point.” He grits through his teeth.
I drag a hand down my face and shake my head in disbelief.
“You’ve forgiven him so easily…”
“There was nothing to forgive.” He mumbles, looking to the floor.

I gasp in shock, pulling my hand away from my face. Is he actually serious? Has he forgotten the last agonising six months he’s gone through? He even tried to kill himself yesterday because of that bastard! And he honestly believes that there’s nothing to forgive him for!

“You’re joking right?” I asked bitterly, feeling my tempter rapidly rising.
He frowned and stared at the floor again not saying a word to me.
I get up from my bean bag and start pasting around in my room, I needed to calm myself down, I didn’t want to lose my temper with him but he was seriously pushing my buttons. Nothing to forgive? Well I’ll make sure to give him something to forgive; there is no way Sykes is going to get away with this so easily! Doesn’t Josh have any self respect? The guy ripped him to pieces and he’s still willing to go straight back to him, despite everything he put him through.

“I love him, why can’t you understand that?”
“It’s impossible for me to understand that!” I yell, completely losing my temper with him. I stop pacing and stand right in front of him and stare him dead in the eye.
“I was there with you when you were breaking. I was there to listen to your cries and pain, I held you close when you were scared at night, I watched him tear you apart from the inside and out and I promised you that I would keep you safe. So no, I don’t understand how you can still forgive and love someone who caused you all of that pain…” I see Josh grimace and turn away at my reminder. I was filled with so much anger and hurt right now, I wasn’t quite sure which one I wanted to allow to take over me.
None of it made sense; it was as if the last six months didn’t happen to him. It’s as if "we" didn't happen and I wasn’t going to let him forget about us.

“What would you do if I left?” he whispers biting down on his lip, his question sending anxiety through my body as I narrowed my eyes at him.
“What are you talking about?” I demand, wanting to know what he was getting at right this minute.
“What if I hurt you, really badly and then left? Would you take me back if I came back for you over time?”
I let out a deep sigh, realising what he was getting at now. I place my hands on his arms and begin stroking them in an understanding gesture. I didn’t really want to admit my answer to him because it wasn’t the same, I know Josh wouldn’t do that to me. He isn’t as heartless as Oliver but my answer is exactly what he wanted it to be and I know he was going to hold it against me but it has a whole different meaning, which I know Josh will refuse to see it in the same light as me.
“Josh you wouldn’t have the heart to put someone through that sort of pain. You care about others and how they think and feel. You have a kind heart.”
“Would you take me back Vic or not?” he presses further, frowning when I avoided answering his question.
I bite my tongue and just glared at him. Josh was different because I knew he wouldn’t do that. And if he did, he knew I would take him back in a heart beat and that’s why he was asking me this stupid question, he just wanted to prove that he was doing the right thing by taking Oliver back but he wasn’t. Little does he know he’s making a huge mistake by letting Oliver walk back into his life again and I need to help him see that.

“So you’re just gonna carry on and pretend like the last six months didn’t happen?!”
He just bit his lip and stared down at the floor again, which only frustrated me more.
“Josh you’re so… Ugh!” I threw my hands up in the air and carried on pasting. Why has it become so hard to talk to him all of a sudden? It used to be so easy, now its impossible for me not to get angry with him.
“There is something that I want to ask you?”
His words caught my attention, therefore I stopped pasting and turned to him lifting up an eyebrow, hinting for him to continue.
“Earlier, you mention in the past Oli had tried to kill himself several times. How many times exactly?” he asks timidly. He pulled down the cuffs of his denim jacket over his hands as he waited nervously for my answer.
Why on earth does he want to know that? I could see the pain in his beautiful blue eyes; they were truly filled with nothing but torment from that bastard.
My heart felt for him, this will only hurt him more and I don’t know if I want to cause him anymore pain by telling him the truth.
I let out a sigh and hung my head. But then again, this is why I asked him to come back to mine because he needs to know the truth about him, even if it does hurt him.
“From what I know, I caught him about four times and managed to stop him each time. But I’m sure he tried way more than that.”
I saw Josh winced at my words; finally they were sinking into his brain. He needed to know his precious boyfriend isn’t as perfect like he thinks he is.

“And I don’t believe for a single second that he’s changed.”
I gritted through my teeth, making Josh’s eyes leave the floor meeting with mine and sending me a nasty glare.
“I told you I don’t want to know!”
“Well tough! Because I’m gonna tell you anyway!”
I know what Oliver is capable of; and all the fucked up things he gets up to. He hurt me big time back at school and there is no way I’m letting him do all those things to Josh. No way, not to the boy I love… he already hurt him once and I’m not going to let him do it to him again.
“He was literally off his head with drugs and alcohol everyday-“
“Shut up Vic.” Josh cuts me off with a warning tone but I ignore him and carry on.
“He would write and say disgusting things about death and suicide… It wasn’t normal!”
“Vic stop, I really don’t to hear it!” He covered his ears with his hands and closed his eyes as he tried to shut me out but I carried on. I knew he could still hear me.
"He would self harm himself endlessly and try all sorts to kill himself!"
Josh closed his eyes tighter and kept his hands covering his ears and started shouting loud noises as he tried to drown me out even more than before but I continued, refusing not to back down.
“He had a problem whenever I was with my girlfriend or with Kellin, he hated that... It was as if he was jealous of them or something.” I mumbled the last part as I began to remember what Oliver was like in the past around them.
Josh opened his eyes and took his hands away from his ears as he turns to face me.
“Jealous?” he questioned, frowning slightly.
“W-why would he be jealous of them? How could anyone hate Kellin?”
“He hated whenever I spent time with either of them, it was like he wanted me all to himself…”
I trailed off, hoping Josh wouldn’t want me to explain the full story… because even though I wanted him to know the truth, I don’t think I’m ready to tell him the full truth.

I saw him shrug his shoulders, shaking off my answer. I was actually relieved he didn’t press on wanting to know more about why Oliver wanted me all to himself. The lid on that can of worms can stay firmly closed for now.
“He’s not the 15 year old boy you once knew Vic.” Josh declared. The reality of his words hurt me a lot more than I thought it would.
I know he’s not the boy I once knew. The 15 year old boy I once knew was long gone. I tried to save him, I really did but he was just impossible. So much stuff was happening at the time; my head was an absolute mess, I didn’t know what to do. Claire needed me, she was sick and she was dying… Oliver never understood that, I couldn’t just leave her, I loved her… my feelings for Oliver wasn’t enough to drop everything and disappear with him, even though I probably would have if things were different but I couldn’t.
We were so young and blinded by the freedom of life, we took advantage of it. We didn’t realise what we had until we lost it all. Oliver didn't believe in me, believe in us and what we had... he didn't stick around long enough to find out what would have happened… because deep down, I’d probably would have chose him over everything.

“I still haven’t forgiven you for giving up on him.” Josh mumbled under his breath; breaking me away from my thoughts, not realising how much his words has infuriated me. Is he fucking kidding me?! I didn’t give up on him, he gave up on me!
“I was only 16! How do you think I felt going through all that shit?! My girlfriend was dying and I thought my bo- erm, my friend was dead. I couldn’t cope, it was all too much for me to handle, I was losing my fucking mind!” I snapped.
My heart was aching at the wounds of the past which was suddenly reopening. I felt a panic attack coming along from the reminders, so I began taking deep breaths, calming myself before it took over me.
It’s been awhile since I’ve had one, I'm usually good at controlling them but its abit hard when I lose my temper and unexpected situations or drama’s appear out of nowhere.
“You… you never said before.” He stuttered, starting to sound guilty as he shifted around in his hoodie.
“You never let me explain! I tried to look for Oliver, but he just disappeared… my girlfriend needed me more; I couldn’t leave her side knowing she only had weeks to live!”
“Vic I’m so sorry… I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t! I couldn’t handle her dying as well as believing Oliver was dead too... it broke me! He has no fucking idea what I went through!” I screamed. I was a right state.
I was trembling and tears started to run down my face at the truth my heart spoke, it’s been so long since I spoke about them both. How could I choose? I couldn’t. I couldn’t choose without being a heartless bastard.

I couldn’t leave my girlfriend while she was dying; she needed me by her side more than anything… even if I chose Oliver I still couldn’t have left her side. And Oliver, well he was he just a lost cause, he never told me once how he felt about me or even showed that he cared. And at the time with everything what was going on with Claire, I couldn’t risk my feelings for him.

The last three years I thought Oliver was dead. I thought I would never see him again. Everyday I hoped he would come back, come back to school or turn up at my house or contact me in anyway but he didn’t. He disappeared into thin air and from our last encounter; I honestly believe he took his own life… because how could he just leave me like that? All I ever wanted was him. I tried I really did, but I was stuck in an awful situation which I couldn’t get out of and in the end I lost both of them. And the priced I paid was non stop heartbreak and misery, with a repeat description of anti depressants and two years stuck in therapy. I haven’t exactly had the best of years.
I wiped the tears away from my face with my sleeve and took a deep breath before talking again. Josh was just standing there in the middle of my room looking rather awkward as he watched me open up and talk about my messed up past… I don’t know how it came to this, this was meant to be about him and Oliver and how they’re not right for each other.

“When you told me Oliver Sykes was your Oli, it was like reliving the dead… for the last three years I was convinced he was dead. And when I found out he was alive after all this time it kinda shocked me. He didn’t even bother to find me. How do you think that made me feel?!”
I thought I meant something to him… we were friends, more than friends and one day he just got up and left. I never got the chance to explain the situation to him… I never got the chance to try and save him properly like I wanted to, he didn't even want to try with us, I really thought he killed himself.
But he was alive this whole time… Why didn’t he come back and try to find me? He knew I was his friend, I never judged him, not once and all I wanted to do was help him.
I’ve never met anyone so fucked up and lost as he was… it was worrying, but only the more reason to keep your friends close to you right? So they could help. I was the only one he had and he just dropped me like I was nothing. I never spoke about Oliver to anyone, not even in therapy. I only ever spoke about Claire and her passing away and my feelings towards it, not a single hint about Oliver. When I had one to one therapy sessions, I think my therapist assumed I was hiding something, holding something back which was causing me so much more pain than the passing of my girlfriend but I refused to talk about him. I guess it was my punishment in some sort of way; he didn’t care enough for me to stay so why would I care enough to talk about him? And I’ve suffered for years with keeping him bottled up inside of me and never allowing myself to speak the truth, no wonder why I’ve turned into some bitter old dick.
And now the boy I have fallen for is in love with him… no worse. The beautiful boy I have fallen for was broken into pieces because of him and he has the nerve to show up and do it to him again! No, I won’t let him do it again; he can hurt me all he wants but not Josh, not again.
I felt my blood boil there was no way I was going to let Josh suffer over him like I have, my nails were digging into my palms and I felt rather sick.
“I won’t let him drag you down Josh; I won’t let him do that to you again!”
“He’s not dragging me down, why can’t you see how happy he’s made me by being back?” Josh finally speaks, breaking out of the awkwardness and defending his beloved Oliver.
“I don’t buy it, it’s all an act!”
I wasn't convinced, how can he be happy after all what he’s done to him? How can he just pretend like me and him almost never happened? He’s hiding behind Oliver and I won’t let us die because of him!
“Why on earth would I lie about being happy with him?!” he hissed.
“Why don’t you just admit you have feelings for me Josh?”
“W-what?” his eyes widen and his face fell with confusion.
“I know that you do, don’t try and deny them.” I claimed, I knew that he did.
“I love Oli.”
“Bullshit! After everything we’ve gone through together over the last few months, I know you love me too!”
“I… I don’t… not like that… I love you as my best friend but nothing more.” He stuttered and his eyes fell to the ground avoiding eye contact with me. I knew he was lying, I could sense his feelings when he was with me, I mean, there were times where he didn’t leave my side and other times where we almost kissed as well. I know he loves me or at least feel something for me; I wasn’t going to let him deny them.

“So you’re saying the last four months didn’t mean anything to you? You look me in the eyes and you tell me that the last four months you felt absolutely nothing towards me?”
I watched him as he hesitantly took his eyes off the floor and met my gaze, looking at me dead in the eyes.
“Say it. Say you felt nothing.” I demanded. I could see the pain swimming in those crystal blue eyes of his and I felt horrible knowing I was causing that pain but I had to know.
“I-I don’t have feelings for you Vic.” He forced past his lips and my heart dropped. My face fell with hurt and so did his and I could tell he regretted saying it. He was lying. I know he was but I couldn’t believe he chose to lie straight to my face and hurt me like that, despite everything I’ve done for him.
“I don’t believe you Josh.” I spat in disgust.
“Then I’m sorry you feel that way.” He argued you back.
We were met with silence, both of us trying to hold back our anger and true feelings because we knew the truth would only get messy. But fuck it, that’s what we were here for, for the truth! The truth about everything and I will get him to admit his feelings for me. I know he loves me... he can deny it all he wants, I know that he does.

“You knew what you were getting into when you started talking to me. I was in love with somebody else and you knew that Vic, you can’t just take that away!” Josh yelled back at me, beating me before I could break our silence.
“Yes, HE is the god damn reason why you got yourself into therapy or have you forgotten that too?!” I yell back, pointing out the obvious and truth to how he ended up in therapy in the first place.
Josh glared at me, his eyebrows knitted together ready to argue back but I beat him this time.
“You’re not the strong, fun loving person that you were before. You don’t see how fragile and weak you’ve become and its all because of him. He’s taken that away from you and you’re so blinded by it, you think just because he’s come back to you, you will automatically become that person again but your wrong Josh, it doesn’t work like that and I know deep down inside you know that too.”
The look on his face was heartbreaking. I could see the tears lingering in his eyes as he allowed my words to settle in, he was just so stubborn to admit this all to himself, we both were.
A few moments passed and I couldn’t take it anymore, I hated the silence between us and I just had to keep going at him to make sure I could get it into his brain that Oliver wasn’t good for him.

“Have you even asked him what happened while he was gone?”
“N-no… he doesn’t have to explain himself to me.” he mumbled, refusing to look at me.
Of course he hasn’t asked him. I let out a husky laugh, I wasn’t surprised at all.
“Well maybe you should ask him.” My tone was bitter and harsh, I was fed up of Josh’s petty feelings for him, he really has no idea what Oliver is like… It would tear him apart if he really knew what he was capable of.
He just stared at me nervously form across the room, biting his lip.
"You're too scared to find out what he really got up to, aren't you?"
His eyes left mine instantly, so I couldn’t read his face but I already knew.
"Stop it." He whispered.
"You really want to know Josh. I’ll tell you, I have a pretty good idea."
"Stop!" he yelled, stomping his foot loudly in frustration. And for a second I froze in shock at his sudden reaction but then I slowly frowned ready to fight back at what he had to throw back at me.
“What is this really about Vic?” his question knocked me off guard and confused me.
“What do you mean?”
“Is all this really about you caring about me or is this about you getting back at Oli? Because you sound like you have a pretty big grudge over him about something and I can tell you now, whatever it is it’s not going to ruin how I feel about him.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about Josh, so I’ll shut it if I was you.” I gritted through my teeth bitterly. He has no fucking clue what Oliver did to me and I wasn’t about to let him know and stand and listen to his pitiful excuses to defend him. I couldn’t take it anymore, I wasn’t getting through to him, he was so fucking stubborn and if he wants to live a lie with someone like Oliver than who am I to stop it from happening. I might not be here for him when it all turns to shit again.
“You know what, I don’t even know why I’m bothering, you clearly don’t need me anymore now you have him back. I might as well do us both a favour and disappear.”
He shot his eyes back at me, which held so much fear in them but I didn’t care by this point, I was done.
“Vic that’s not true, I do need you.” all anger left his face and he step towards me bringing his hands to my shoulders in some sort of gesture which was either to comfort me or to pity me. But I shook his hands off me and step back from him, I was done listening to his pathetic lies how he felt about me.
“No you don’t Josh, because you’ve got your knight and shining armour back, and I’m obviously just in the way!” I yell, revealing the obvious.
“Please don’t make me choose Vic.” He whispered so low I just about heard it.
Why did I have the feeling I weren’t going to like the next thing which came out of his mouth?
He hesitated at first, but he finally blurted them out.
“Because you know I will choose him.”

I stumbled back slightly, my arm leaning up against the wall to hold myself up as I felt my heart sink heavily through down into my chest. I felt sick, he really does want him more than me… after everything we’ve been through together? Did it really mean nothing to him? After everything Oliver put him through for months? He still wanted him. I didn’t understand any of it. My anger dropped and I was left with nothing but loneliness and hurt, something I’ve felt for the last three years of my life up until I met Josh that is.
“Well I guess there’s nothing else left to say…” I choked in a whisper, giving up and holding back tears.
“But I don’t want to lose you… you’re my best friend, you helped me through so much and I still need you Vic, I really do.” Josh sobbed, placing a hand on my back to reassure his friendship for me. But I couldn’t take this anymore, friendship wasn’t enough I love him and he’s never going to be mine and I care bare to put myself through this sort of pain while I watch them pretend to be happy together, I won’t do that to myself.

“I can’t do this anymore Josh. You’re torturing me…”
I felt the tears enter my eyes, threatening to fall yet again but I manage to hold them back, I didn’t want to fall apart in front of him even though the breaking had already started.
“No Vic, don’t say that.”
He pulled me away from the wall and into a tight hug; Josh was like a giant compare to me and even though everything in my body screamed to push him away, my heart screamed louder and I instantly relaxed into his arms. It just made the hug that more intimate to me.
I nuzzled my face into his chest taking the full advantage of this moment, it’s been awhile since we’ve been this close… it should always be like this, if only it could, I would literally do anything.
No words could explain the last three years of my life; losing my girlfriend and Oliver really fucked me up, I never thought I could feel anything for anyone ever again. Thank god I had Mike and Kellin to keep me sane through the dark times, otherwise who knows what would had happen to me… and therapy has helped a lot more than I thought, even though I didn’t plan being in therapy for as long as I was but its helped me so much and its made me into a better person. Hell, it even brought me to Josh.
It’s gotta be fate right? I needed someone, he needed someone, we were brought together through our unfortunate heartbreak… it was meant to be, how can he not see that? We’re so right for each other.
“I’ve given up on everything I’ve ever loved… but not this time Josh, I will fight for you, I promise.” I sobbed into his chest, loud enough for him to hear me.
He stayed silent but I felt him tighten his arms around me as he held me closer to him, I knew he didn’t want me to give up on him, despite how selfish it would. His body was warm and comforting and just how I remembered it being when we used to hold each other.
I slowly peeked up to take a look at him, his head resting on top of mine.
I needed to prove to him that this is what he wanted… I was the better one for him; I was the one he loves, not Oliver.
I placed my hand at the back of his head and lent up slightly, he looked down at me, his eyes searching mine as if he was reading me and I knew he wanted me just as much as I wanted him at this moment. I pulled his face closer to mine but before he could react to my actions and push me away, I forcefully pushed his lips down onto mine. I felt him try to shove me away but I tighten my grip around his neck, he needed to know I was better than Oliver; I needed to convince him… I know deep down inside he loves me, I will make him admit it. I manage to push my tongue into his mouth tasting his hot breath on my lips, as he growled and shoved at my chest again. How could he not want this? I could sense his anger and I could tell it was rising but I tried to ignore it by making the kiss deeper and keeping my hands locked around him so he would eventually give into me.

With enough force, Josh’s hands shoved at my chest making me break away from his mouth and for my body stumble backwards onto my bed.
“NO!” he screamed.
He looked horrified as he wiped my saliva away from his mouth with the back of his hand. He was shaking and tears were falling from his eyes rapidly.
“No! Just no!” he screamed in total disgust at me and that’s when regret flooded through my body. Oh shit, what have I done?
“I’m- I’m sorry-”.
“I fucking love Oli!” Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he looked at me with utter disgust, my heart began to break as my failed attempt to make him admit his feelings turned into a disaster. His rejection hurt me right down to my core, I didn’t know how to handle it, I was so hurt and he still wanted Oliver over me… how?! Anxiety filled the whole of my body and I knew that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I thought the only way I could get Josh back is by making him feel as bad as I do right now. I saw Josh run towards my door and grabbed the handle, I couldn’t let him leave like this, not until he knew I didn’t mean it… then without a second thought, I let something slip.
“Oliver kissed me!” I shrieked, trying to get up from my bed.
He instantly froze and hesitantly turn back around to face me.
“W-what?” Josh’s watery eyes search mine frantically for answers and my heart broke all over again just by seeing him in so much pain. I panicked and shifted around on my bed trying to string a sentence together to back up the truth I just let slip.
“He kissed me… the day I found him in the toilets trying to take his life. He kissed me and it wasn’t just a peck on the lips Josh, he kissed me like he really meant it.”
Josh opened his mouth to say something but closed it again; he was speechless at my confession.
I was in just as much shock; I can’t believe I just told him that. Shit I’ve never told anyone that… not ever. But I’m so angry and hurt, he needs to know Oliver isn’t as perfect as he thinks he is; I wanted him to hurt just like I am now because Oliver is the blame for both our suffering.

“You’re-you’re lying!” He choked out a loud sob.
He was trembling, tears falling uncontrollably down his face, his eyes screamed sadness and anger, he was truly heart broken at the unspoken truth. Shit no, what have I done?! I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t mean to hurt him!
“Josh I’m-”
“No! Just leave me alone!” He cut me off and stormed out of my room.
No he can’t leave, not like this, he’ll never forgive me!
“Josh please, come back!”
I shouted out after him but there was no reply; I would have run after him but my body was frozen to my bed. I saw a shadow creep towards my bedroom, for some crazy second I thought it was Josh coming back, but it was just Mike.

“What’s going on? Why did Josh run out crying?” my little brother question me in the door way of my bedroom door.
My fist punched my bed with rage; I was so angry and frustrated at everything which had just happened. I flung myself onto my bed properly and buried my face in my pillow and screamed. I was furious, at myself, at Josh, at Oliver… at everyone and everything! Why does it always happen to me? Don’t I deserve a little bit of happiness? Don’t I deserve to ever be loved again? I’ve suffered long enough, please God why do you keep taking those I love away from me?!
“Vic, talk to me, what happened?”
I felt the bed dip down as Mike sat down on the bed next to me but I ignored him and kept my face buried in my pillow.
I’m a despicable human being and I didn’t want to see a single face again.
"Come on Vic, you know you can talk to me." Mike placed a hand on my back and rubbed it slightly for comfort but I was too angry to reply to him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone; I grabbed hold of my pillow and screamed into it again, louder this time.
“I’ll call Kellin.” I hear Mike panicky say and get up from my bed, leaving me to dwell in my self pity.
He knew Kellin probably would be the best person to calm me down and get me to finally speak. But I couldn’t speak, I was too angry and hurt to even get the words past my lips. I was such a fucking idiot!
Why did I have to do that, he’ll never forgive me for that… not ever. Fuck, I’ve lost Josh for good now.