Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 31: Fifty Shades Of Fucked Up.

Oli's P.O.V

“Josh?!”
My feet were frozen to the floor, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t go after him…he left me, he actually left me.
My knees gave way making me crash to the ground.
I was lying on the bedroom floor in nothing but my underwear, I was surrounded by my shiny blood stained friends; they were the only ones I had left, the only ones who really understood me…they were the only ones that never failed to love my pain.
I heard them scream for my blood, they were thirsty… I needed them.
Through my teary vision I grabbed one of the blades; my shaky hand cut deep into my disgusting repulsive skin, and that’s when I realised… I gasp, letting the blade drop from my grip. I stared long and hard down at my arm… instead of cutting lines across my wrist I mange to cut a “J” without even realising in doing so.
“Josh.” I chocked.
He is the one I need.
Not these disgusting vile objects I believed were my friends; they’re the reason why he’s left me… I chose them over him without even a second thought, he loved me but I believed the blades loved me more…I’m a repulsive human being.
I’m fifty shades of fucked up.
The look in his eyes…he really meant what he said, it’s over. He’s done with me and I don’t think there’s anything I could do to bring him back to me.
I knew this would happen, from the very beginning I knew…
I knew if I let him in he would just want out.
I knew if I told him the truth, he’ll fight for a lie.
I knew if I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can’t clean up.
I knew if he followed me, he would only get lost.
I knew if he tried to get closer, we’ll only lose touch.
But he already knew too much, and he weren’t going anywhere…
I need him to save me from the ones that haunt me in the night, I can’t live with myself, and I need him to stay with me tonight. Josh…I can’t do this on my own.
“I love him.” A whisper escaped my lips.
A tear fell from my eyes and landed on the freshly cut J on my arm…The pain of his absences was too much for me to take… his rejection, his pain, his tears, his hatred, what have I done?
I can’t do this own my own, Josh was the only reason I had to my life, he was my purpose on living…even when I left and stayed away for months, there were dark times and times I almost gave up on my life but the remembrance of his beautiful smile kept me going… he was my little sunshine, my light at the end of the tunnel guiding me out of the darkness. But now he’s left me, so what’s the point anymore?!
I was trembling, I felt nothing but loneliness…I’ve felt this all my life, but since Josh came into my life I felt a fuzzy warm feeling inside my heart…but now its gone, I feel completely empty.

I was in bed when I woke up, it was morning and I was confused what had happen…did I pass out?
I turned to face Josh but there was nothing but emptiness beside me…he was gone.
I was wearing a freshly clean t-shirt and my arm had been bandage up, had Josh come back home to clean me up and put me to bed?
The bedroom door open, sending my heart pounding hoping to see my sunshine but I was disappointed when Josh’s mum walked into the room instead.
“Good you’re awake.”
I hung my head, ignoring her, feeling more alone than ever.
“I’ve made you some tea sweetheart.”
She placed the mug on the bed side table and took a seat beside me, something didn’t feel right.
“Where’s Josh?” I whispered to her.
“He still hasn’t come back home yet…but don’t worry he’s called to say he’s okay.”
Okay? She was lying, she obviously thought if she said anything negative about to him to me, I would try and do something to myself.
She must have been the one who found me on the floor and dressed me and put me to bed.
She always seemed to care for me…like I was her own or something…I guess it’s just a motherly thing to do, I don’t know. Fuck! This means she’s saw my disgusting body…I let her see it once before but this time it’s even more disgusting than ever! No, she’s going to think I’m crazy and not want me anywhere near her son….well I don’t blame her but no. I need my Josh, I need my sunshine.
I began to weep into my hands.
She placed her hand on my shoulder and pulled an apologetic smile at me.
“Oli sweetheart please don’t cry.”
More tears started to fall; I was a mess without him.
“I’m sure Joshua has told you about his therapy sessions, I think you should seek some professional help and talk to someone who can help you more than we can.”
She thinks I’m crazy, I’m a lost cause no one can save me…talking to a stranger isn’t going to help me. I just need him. He was all i've ever needed but now i've realized too late.
“Joshua was in a very dark place when you left him…I honestly thought I would never see my happy little boy ever again. But therapy helped slowly bring him back to me, he wasn’t himself completely but it was a start.”
Great, how is this story going to convince me therapy will help me? Where is she going with this? She’s practically saying I’m the reason why Josh is so messed up and I more or less put him in therapy.
“….But my happy little boy came back to life when you appeared again…”
I glanced up at her.
She had tears in her eyes.
“You make him happy Oli, you brought my little boy back to life, and I saw him smile again. He loves you very much.”
She cried awkwardly into her tissue, I don’t understand how I make him happy…I’m just a hopeless human being who fucks up everyone around me.
“I hurt him…” I managed to choke out.
“Yes you did, I’m not going to deny that you didn’t, but you also made him become my happy little boy again.”
If it wasn’t for me he would still be the happy carefree boy he once was before he met me…I’ve ruined him just like I knew I would.
“I can’t risk losing my little boy…or even you for that matter.”
Her words shocked me, what did she mean?
She stroked my face and smiled lightly.
“You’re a wonderful young man Oliver; please don’t give up on yourself or Josh.”
“But everything I touch turns to stone.”
“You need to look harder at Josh, and hopefully you’ll realise not everything you touch turns to stone.”
She kissed me on the forehead and slowly left the room.
The feeling was so unsettling; I guess this is how it feels to be loved by a mother…a mother I never had. But Josh’s mother loved me, for some fucked up reason she thought I was worth loving and saving. She had hope for me and she wanted me to still have hope in Josh…but I wasn’t convince that he had any hope left for me…
I don’t even know if Josh is even willing to take me back…he seemed pretty sure that we were over. I wouldn’t be able to stay here for long, Josh would eventually have to come back home and I would have to leave and find somewhere else to live…
I began packing my stuff; I might as well be prepared for the worse… I stood and stared out the big open bay window losing myself in thought.
I guess I must at least try to see if Josh wants me back… otherwise what was the point of me loving him and him loving me?
I texted him:
“I’ll be in the secret place waiting for you. If you don’t show up by 5 o’clock I’ll accept that you don’t want me back and I’ll disappear from your life forever. X”

I took off my hoodie and sat in the field; I’ve got some time to kill so I guess I better make myself comfy.
I let out a sigh.
“I know I bend and break all my promises, but now its time for the truth…” I confessed to myself.
I started writing down lyrics; I find it better to express my thoughts through my lyrics than I do speaking them. I wanted these lyrics to help Josh hopefully understand me, that’s if he ever decides to turn up that is…
I looked at my phone, hoping there would be a text from Josh but there was nothing.
I notice that the time was 5:06 pm, I’ve been sitting in the field for 4 hours.
It’s past 5 and Josh still isn’t here…he doesn’t want me, I’ve pushed him away…last night was breaking point for him.
Shit what have I done?! Tears welled in my eyes as reality sunk in.
My heart is as dead as horse, there’s no point in it beating, just let me sink, let me sink into the fucking ground!
I picked up my things and marched my way down to the river, what’s the point in my pathetic life? There’s no point in living anymore, I have no family, no friends…and no boyfriend. I had no one in this world... i've never have and I guess i'll never will.
I'm sorry for everything Josh, but I guess its time for me to leave you for good... I promise to never hurt you again.
I stood close to the edge of the river, staring down at my reflection in the water I lost myself in my thoughts. I've should of done what I've should of done a long time ago... I closed my eyes and took a little step closer to the edge, only the heels of my feet were on the edge now.
Should I sink or swim or simply disappear?
“Don’t you dare!”
The stern voice made me jump out of my skin, opening my eyes and breaking me away from what I was about to do.
“Josh! Y-you came.” My heart was pounding and tears entered my eyes.
Josh looked mad... no worse, he looked heartbroken.
“Of course I came…Oli how could you even think about doing that, especially what I went through last week?!”
“I didn’t think you were coming…”
“That’s no excuse!”
I wiped the tears away from my face.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered.
If he was a second later, he would have been too late…
We stood in silence not saying a word…it was awkward, where do we even begin?
I saw him stare at my bandage arm; his mum must have told him she cleaned me up. I tucked my arm behind my back, ducking my head as I hid under my hair.
“You left me…” I whispered.
He just stood there not saying anything, I guess I don't deserve an explanation... I know full well why he left.
“W-where did you go?”
“I stayed at Vic’s.”
The truth stung.
Of course he did, I should have known he would have turned to him…Vic must have welcomed him in with open arms, poisoning his mind with god knows what about me.
But honestly, I know Josh is better off with him than he is with me anyway…maybe I should leave and let him move on with Vic…he would be much happier; and I know Vic would never hurt him.
I felt my heart breaking, I was losing him.
I began to shake slightly.
“Josh I…”
He cut me off.
“I love him.”
I let out a gasp as I let a tear drop from my eye.
My heart sunk at his words, I shot a heartbreaking look towards him, frozen in my path. Did he really just admit that? Why am I so shocked? I knew all along he was in love with Vic, so why am I so surprised?
I guess I never expected him to ever admit it…
My breathing became heavy, I felt sick; this was it, we were really over and he was leaving me for Vic.
The feeling was way too familiar to me, please not again, I can't go through this again, I can't lose another person... I can't. I crouched to the ground hitting my head with my fists, no please, I can't lose him!
Of course, why would he want someone as fucked up as me when he had someone like Vic?
“I never admitted it before because I knew it wouldn’t change anything…I love you and you’re the only one I want.”
My heart was relieved at his words, he still wants me? I stopped hitting my head with my fists and looked up at Josh through my fringe.
“Y-you still want me? Even more than Vic?”
“Oli it’s always been you.” He confirmed.
Oh Josh.
I stood up and stepped towards him but stopped, as he continued to speak.
“But you hurt me…you hurt me so fucking bad last night, you wanted those blades more than you wanted me, all I’ve ever done is love you and you just threw it back in my face!”
I rushed towards him and grabbed his arms and began begging him for forgiveness. I need him, he loves me and I love him, I can’t lose him… not again!
“Josh please forgive me, please!”
He shook his head; his bottom lip trembled as he spoke.
“I’m not sure if I can… I will always come second best, if it’s not to your family then it’s to those blades…I can’t do it anymore.”
“Please Josh don’t give up on me…I’ll prove to you I can change.” A tear fell from my eyes but I let it fall.
“You’re too broken to change…I can’t fix you, you even said so yourself.”
He was right, who was I trying to kid? But I have to try... for him... I have to make him try to understand me in someway.
“Do you ever wish that you could cut yourself out of your skin?”
He pulled a face in confusion, probably in disgust at my messed up words, not having a clue what I’m talking about.
“No…”
“I know you don’t understand me..." I stepped away from him.
"I've tried so hard to understand you... i've tried everything to at least understand even a little bit of what goes on inside your head... but your just impossible Oli!"
I bit down on my lip harder than I intended too, my hands curled into fists as I shook in my skin, I was absolutely terrified to talk to him... Not cause I didn't want to, I just didn't know how to.
Fuck, why do I find it so hard to talk?! I was going out of my mind, I need to tell him something... just something so he knows... any fucking thing!
"Its... its like your screaming and no one can hear..." I blurted out.
Josh frowned, looking back at me in confusion and sadness.
He opened his mouth to say something to me but he closed it and said nothing.
I panicked at his silence and tried to speak again.
"I... I..." Fuck. I can't do this, I don't know how to talk to him.
I covered my face with my hands, letting the tears fall as I curse myself at being so shit to get my feelings out. I'm just so fucking frustrated, why can't I tell him? why can't these thoughts just leave my head so he knows?!
"Hey Oli." Josh stepped towards me and stroked my arm in comfort, he was still being off, but I guess he felt sorry for me and felt like he had to show some sort of emotion towards me before I literally threw myself into the river.
"I'm sorry, I can't Josh..." I whimpered.
I heard him let out a sigh, he was frustrated too, I could tell.
But then it came to me, there was something I could give to him. Something I've never let him see before, because I was to scared of letting him in and what he might really think of me when he learns the truth. My lyrics.
"Maybe this might help you understand what goes on inside my head…”
I placed my journal in Josh's hands; I’ve never let him read any of my lyrics before…I was afraid of what he would really think of me. But its now time for the truth, he needs to know how I’ve really been feeling.
“Oli…” He sounded unsure, he knew what my lyrics meant me, but this is the only way I know how to let him in.
“Read the last two songs i've written…they’re what I’ve been feeling most recently.”
He flipped through the pages and began reading my lyrics, the first song he read was a song called “Sleepwalking.”

My secrets are burning a hole through my heart
And my bones catch a fever
When it cuts you up this deep
It’s hard to find a way to breathe
Your eyes are swallowing me
Mirrors start to whisper
Shadows start to sing
My skin’s smothering
Help me find a way to breathe.

Time stood still
The way it did before
It’s like I’m sleepwalking
Fell into another hole again
It’s like I’m sleepwalking

He let a gasp, sorry eyes locking onto mine.
“Oli I…”
“Read the next song Josh.”
He frowned at me for cutting him off but he quickly flipped over to the next page.
“I wrote this song today… I wrote it for you actually, hoping you’d understand my feelings in some way…” I mumbled.
He said nothing and continued to read the lyrics.
The next song was called “Can You Feel My Heart?”

Can you hear the silence?
Can you see the dark?
Can you fix the broken?
Can you feel… can you feel my heart?

Can you help the hopeless?
Well, I’m begging on my knees,
Can you save my bastard soul?
Will you wait for me?

I’m sorry brother,
So sorry lover,
Forgive me father,
I love you mother.
I’m scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all.
The higher I get, the lower I’ll sink.
I can’t drown my demands they know how to swim.

His eyes were filled with sadness as he looked back up at me… I didn’t show them lyrics to him so he would pity me…I wanted him to know the truth about me and what goes on inside my head.
He stepped towards me but I step back away from him, I wasn’t finished yet, he needs to know I’m willing to change for him.
I pulled the box of blades out of my bag, his eyes filled with horror.
“I won’t let my scars or past tear us apart! I love you more than I love them, I’ll prove it to you!”
I threw the box of blades into the river; my eyes watched the box sink deep to the bottom. Good riddance… Last night was breaking point and I thought I needed them but they took the one thing I ever loved away from me…and I can never let that happen again. Never.
“I love you Josh…and I promise I will try and get better for you.”
“Oli…”
“I can’t do it without you love, please promise me you won’t leave me.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. He gently wiped the tears away from my face before leaning his forehead against mine.
“I love you too and I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
He placed a soft kiss on my lips before pulling me to his chest where we both sobbed in each others arms. I love him and I’m never going to lose him again! I will get better; I’ll do it for him, I will never cut myself again and I will never leave his side again either. This is it, me and Josh forever.

I finally joined therapy; I didn’t really feel comfortable in group therapy so I change to one to one therapy instead. I slowly began to let all my demands out of my head and into the open and I began to feel better…a lot better.
Me and Vic put the past behind us and manage to get along for Josh’s sake; Vic accepted Josh’s love for me and finally left us alone to be happy, I can’t hate him for that. I know he will always be a good friend to Josh.
Me and Josh were a lot happier than ever before, I learnt to open up to him and told him more about my past and my feelings. He was so good, he always sat and listened to me no matter how dark the stories were he always stayed and held me close to him. I even manage to start eating properly again too, my body wasn’t so fragile anymore and I didn’t hate my skin so much anymore either. Over time I covered up my scars by getting my arms heavily tattooed, apart from the J which was permanently scared on my skin, I got a heart tattoo around it instead… it kinda showed my past and love for Josh all into one.
No words can ever describe how much I fucking love him; he is my life, soul, my future, my everything. And will always be mine forever.