Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 33: Everything I Lost, Became Everything I Loved.

Oli's P.O.V

“Would you like a cup of tea or something?”
13 years and that’s what I come out with?!
He stood nervously by the door; his cheeks were flushed red from the cold, he was shivering in his coat, god knows how long he’s been sitting in the playground for.
“Err yeah okay.”
I limped my way into the kitchen and switched the kettle on.
My hands rested on the kitchen counter as I hung my head.
Fuck! I’ve finally found my little brother after all these years, and I’m making him a cup of tea! What the hell?! There’s so much I want to ask him, so much I need to know, I’ve dreamt of this day for so long and now its here I have no idea where to bloody start!
I felt a panic attack arising so I took a deep breath in to calm myself.
Relax Oli, its okay this is normal… he’s probably thinking the same thing you are… just be yourself… he’s your little brother for crying out loud, what is he going to do?!
As I reached for some mugs in the cupboard my knee scream out with pain. Shit, my knee I forgot.
I quickly cleaned up my knee as best I could and changed into some clean jeans which were folded in the washing basket.
Tom was sat on the edge of the sofa staring into space; he was still wearing his coat looking terrified.
“Sorry the flat is so cold, the heating takes awhile to come on.” I smiled gently, passing him his tea and the last of my homemade cookies.
“It’s okay.”
I slumped back into the sofa, staring down into my tea.
An awkward silence formed, I opened my mouth a couple of times to say something but only closed it again as my words escaped me.
There are just so many things to ask, I have no idea where to start! And I didn’t want to pester him with a load of questions either, that’s one thing I really do hate.
I was getting better at talking ever since therapy but now I’ve suddenly closed up like a clam!
Josh I need you!
I started twiddling my thumbs which were poking out of my navy and white stripy knitted jumper; I don’t self harm anymore so I don’t know why I still do this to my clothing… just old habits I guess.
I let out a soft sigh and finally plucked up the courage to break the silence and ask him.
“H-how long have you been in the playground?”
“Oh erm… a couple of hours.”
“Why?”
“I was looking for you…hoping I would find you and I have…” he smiled slightly.
“I went back to the house, looking for you and dad but it was all boarded up, like there was a fire or something…”
He was looking for me and dad?
Nasty flashbacks entered my mind; there was never a me and dad…there was no father and son relationship in that house. It was a prison; nothing but horror and misery happened in that place, the house deserved to be burnt to the ground.
“But I see you’ve got your own place now, so where’s dad living?”
“You’re asking me where dad is?”
Is that some kind of joke? Surely mum told him what he must have done to me; surely Tom saw the state of the house and my room when they came back last year. Why on earth would he even want to know where dad is or even care for that matter. Its not like dad would have cared if he saw Tom again; all he ever wanted was mum, we were nothing to him. He probably would have hurt him the same way he hurt me… no, I would never let him hurt my little brother in the same way. My gripped tightened around my cup of tea; I was angry and sicken at the thought of my father’s wicked abuse.
“Oliver what’s wrong?”
“I would never let him hurt you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Dad is nothing but a vile worthless drunken bully! I would never let him have the chance to hurt you, I would rather die than let that happen.”
“What? Did…did he hurt you?” he sounded worried.
I didn’t want to worry my brother, but he needed to know the truth about our father, the disgusting human that he is. So he can drop the act of pretending like he doesn’t know anything.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what he’s like Tom…you saw the house last year didn’t you?”
“No I didn’t…mum wouldn’t let me go inside, a neighbour said that a boy was taken into hospital. She forced me to stay away until she called me…I never saw anything.”
“What… you mean mum never told you what happened?”
He shook his head.
“No… she told me nothing.”
I was so confused.
“But, then why did you come back? Where have you been all this time?”
“Australia.” He whispered.
Horror shot through me.
Australia? No wonder why I never found them; I searched everywhere for them, everywhere…And this whole time they were half way across the fucking world! This was all getting abit too much for me; I didn’t know how to deal with all this… I felt like I was reliving the past all over again, the past I tried so hard to move on from…therapy made me look towards the future and the last 18 months with Josh that’s all I’ve been thinking of. But the past just keeps finding a way to squirm its way back in!
“I begged mum everyday to come back for you…and last year she finally did. But I never got to see you or dad, mum never told me anything…she just said that there’s nothing here for us anymore, so we went back to Australia.”
I felt sick, horribly sick. Mum didn’t even want to try and find me…even after Josh must of saw her; she just gave up without a fight and walked away like she did before. I was that easy to walk away from, I really meant nothing to her….
“Did dad hurt you? Is that why you were in hospital?”
I nodded, unable to speak.
I tried so hard to hold back my tears, but the memories came flooding in…all he ever did was hurt me…
No! I’m in control now, he can’t hurt me anymore! That man is dead to me, I’m stronger than he is, he’s nothing!
“Oliver I’m so sorry!”
Tom placed his hand over mine for comfort, breaking me away from my unpleasant thoughts of my father. His finger traced over his tattooed name on my hand; making his eyes connect with mine.
“You have my name tattooed on you?”
“There wasn’t a day I didn’t think about you Tom…”
We both smiled weakly at each other, both trying not to cry.
“Promise me Tom you will never go back to that house…and you will never go looking for dad again…”
“Course I won’t, not after what he’s done to you; he deserves to rot in hell!”
He hugged me.
“He probably is somewhere…”
We both let out a little laugh.
But this still doesn’t explain why he was in the playground…did mum tell him to go there and wait again?
“So how comes you were in the playground then, did mum go looking for dad or something?”
He sat up and hung his head.
“Tom?”
His breathing sounded heavy and deep, what did I say? His reluctance to answer me started to make me feel anxious.
“Tom…Where’s mum?”
“She… she died.” He chocked out before hiding his head in his hands.
“She what?”
His reply knocked me completely off guard.
This is a joke right? She…she can’t be dead; I never got to see her again…I never got to tell her I love her… so she can’t be.
Tom’s hysterical crying made the situation only more real to me.
My whole body started shaking.
I will never see my mother again…
I will never know if she really loved me or know the real reason why she left me…
She’s gone forever.
I felt a tear fall from me eye.
I don’t really know how I feel about this…I feel empty.
I just want my mum…that’s all I ever wanted…even though she didn’t want me. Even though I was just a burden to her, she never loved me like she loved Tom.
Tom was shattered to pieces; he obviously was holding this in for a long time.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get us to be a family again…” he cried.
My family was all I ever wanted, but life was cruel and it decided it was never meant to be… I was never meant to be part of a family.
“It’s not your fault.” I whispered.
“I tried Oliver I really tried!”
“How did she…?” I couldn’t even say it.
“She erm…took her own life…”
“No!” I screamed.
I jumped up from the sofa, spilling tea everywhere.
“No she didn’t do that! H-how could she?!
Tom cried more hysterically into his hands, not being able to answer my question.
I needed some air; I was shaking like a leaf and felt like the room was suffocating me.
I ran out to the back garden, leaving Tom on his own. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I was having a full blown panic attack, what the fuck! I crouch down to the floor with my head in my lap and started rocking myself back and forth.
“This is all a dream! It has to be, she can’t be dead, she just can’t!”
How could she end her life? I once had dark thoughts like this and attempted several times to end my life but never actually succeeded. Things were okay after when I met Josh, he was my reason to fight, the reason to keep on living; didn’t she think the same about Tom? She had her perfect baby boy so why wasn’t he enough to save her? She chose her life, she decided to walk out on dad, she decided I wasn’t worth it, she decided to live on the other side of the fucking world with her precious son! Me on the other hand; I didn’t have no one. I was beaten everyday of my sad little life, I didn’t have a choice… she was the reason why my life turned out the way it did, but yet I didn’t give in, she’s a coward for taking the easy way out… how dare she!
I was going out of my mind!
“It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream!”
I continued rocking, trying to convince myself this was all a bad dream and I was about to wake up soon. I haven’t felt like this in 18 months…for a moment I almost forgotten what this pain felt like…
I ignored the freezing cold temperature and the falling snowflakes which landed on me. I couldn’t feel anything I just felt so numb, just like I did before; numb, emptiness, loneliness and worthless.
Did I even cross her mind when she took her last breath? Dark thoughts started to creep back into my mind; it’s been awhile…I welcomed them like old friends.
A smile appeared on my lips.
“NO!” I screamed.
I promised to never think or feel like that ever again! I’m better than that, I don’t need those thoughts overtaking my mind, making me believe I need them when I don’t.
I pushed them outside of my head; I don’t need them I’m not going back there no matter what!
I started to think through all my therapy sessions; and how far I have come in the last 18 months.
I remembered when I suddenly began to realise how much I’ve changed, and how hard it was but I managed to do when I saw the things around me which really mattered.

“And then I found out how hard it is to really change.
Even hell can get comfy once you’ve settle in.
I just wanted the numb inside me to leave.
No matter how fucked you get, there’s always hell when you come back down.
The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had.
There’s glimpses of heaven everyday.
In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.
I just had to start again.”

I shot up realising I’ve left my little brother all alone inside crying his eyes out. I wiped the tears away with my sleeve; pull yourself together Oliver for goodness sake, Tom needs you! I need to be strong for him…he just lost our mum and I need to make sure he knows I’m here for him.
I stumbled back inside.
“Tom?”
He was crying into the arm of the sofa, it was heartbreaking to see him so cut up.
I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry into my chest instead, I didn’t want him to feel like he was alone.
“She promised me she would never leave me…” he sobbed.
It was shattering to hear his pain.
At least he got to spend the last 13 years with her, at least he knew she loved him…no I shouldn’t be jealous of him, it’s not his fault. He’s the innocent one in all of this, I shouldn’t be mad at him. At least he tried to get us back together, I should be grateful nothing has happened to him. My beautiful baby brother I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, I hugged him tight.
Our feelings towards our mother were so different; he loved her dearly, unlike me, I can barely remember what she even looked like…
“I’m sorry Tommy.”
He didn’t reply, but only continued to cry into my chest.
I don’t know how much time had pass but we just sat hugging, it was nice… he was quietly sobbing into my lap as I ran my fingers through his hair trying to comfort him, neither one of us saying a word to each other. Tom was finally calm again, there were a few little sniffs here and there but that was understandable.
“Would you like a hot chocolate?”
A hot chocolate always cheered Josh up when he was down, so hopefully it might do the trick for Tom too.
“Please.” He managed to chock out as he smiled up at me.
I wiped a lonesome tear from his face; he had these big beautiful blue eyes, which were filled with so much sadness.
“You look like her…”
“Uh…”
I was taken back by his words; I didn’t really know how to react to that… whenever I tried to picture her face it was just a blur.
“One hot chocolate coming up.”
I escaped the situation as swiftly as I could.

When I came back into the room, he was standing by the false fire place, looking at the line of photographs of me and Josh.
He was holding one of the picture frames; it was our first family photo we took on my birthday of the three of us.
He placed the frame back when he noticed I was back in the room.
“Josh is it?”
I nodded.
“He’s you’re boyfriend?” he raised an eyebrow.
The photograph of me and Josh kissing in the playground was also up there along side the other photos.
I felt abit awkward and I bit my lip, I hope he wasn’t judging me…
“Y-yes.”
“I remember him…he was in the park when I came looking for you last time.”
“Erm yeah, he said…” that’s a memory I don’t want to be reminded of.
He continued to stare at the photo, even when I handed him his hot chocolate, his eyes didn’t leave.
“You both seem very happy together.”
“We are.”
He smiled but it didn’t match his eyes. I wanted to know what he was really thinking but I wasn’t good at confrontation that was more Josh’s thing.
“How’s your drink?”
“Its fine…and the cookie was great by the way.”
I smiled shyly at him, I’m glad he liked my cookies.
“Is it okay if I stay with you for awhile…I have nowhere else to go.” His bottom lip trembled, making my heart ache for him.
“Of course you can, Tom you don’t even have to ask!”
I pulled him tight into a hug, there is no way I’m letting him out of my sight ever again.
“Thank you.”
“What are big brothers for huh? And besides, if you think you’re ever leaving me again your crazy!”
“Some would be happy to get rid of their little brothers.”
“Well not me.” Far from it, we’ve lost our childhood because of our selfish parents; we both suffered and had to face the consequences for their actions. We were brought up broken and fucked up because of their mistakes; we’ve missed out on ever having a proper family because of them. But he’s not going anywhere now; big brother orders, we have a lot of catching up to do.

I heard the front door open; locking eyes with Josh as he walked through the door with Oskar in his arms.
He looked relieved when he saw me; I slowly pulled out of Tom’s hold as Josh came over to me.
“You’re still here.” He whispered.
“Of course I am.”
All of my attention was on Oskar, who was licking my face to death, wagging his tail back and forth from excitement.
“Did you miss me?”
Oskar licked me even more; ha I take that as a yes then.
“Sorry I missed dinner.” I turned to Josh.
“Not to worry.”
He held up a plastic container, before walking into the kitchen. Aw bless, she made Josh bring it home for me, but I don’t really feel that hungry anymore…and I know Josh is wanting to know answers right about now too.
I let out a sigh.
As soon as I walked into the kitchen, Josh surprised me by throwing his arms around my neck, making me jump.
“Josh?”
“I was so worried about you.”
“You thought I left, didn’t you?”
His arms dropped from my neck, his eyes looking everywhere but mine, his face had guilty written all over it.
“Josh how could you think that, after everything we’ve gone through?”
“I’m sorry, I just thought…”
“I would run away the second I was left with Tom? How can you think I would leave you and Oskar? I promised you remember?”
“I-I know, I’m sorry.”
He started heating up my dinner in the microwave.
“I’m not hungry love.”
“You’re not skipping dinner Oli.”
I can sense how worried he is about me. He won’t even let me skip dinner this once, because he thinks I’m gonna stop eating all together again.
“Fine, but put some on another plate for Tom too ok?”
“Okay.”
I slowly leant in placing a kiss on his lips but before it could turn into anything more we were interrupted by a loud cry.
“Oliver!”
“What’s wrong?” I panicked and ran into the living room to find Oskar terrorizing Tom yet again. He was growling at him, pulling on the sleeve of his jumper, Tom looked scared stiff.
Josh burst out laughing but I sent him a death stare warning him this isn’t a laughing matter.
“Aw mate come on, he’s only a puppy.” Josh mocked.
“Oskar stop, cut it out now!” I hit him on the nose maybe a little harder than I should have, which made Oskar let out a high pitched squeal.
“Easy Oli!”
“Shut up Josh!”
“Oh I see how it is, so you tell him off when he’s attacking Tom but not when he’s attacking my tree!”
“Don’t compare my brother to your stupid tree! It’s a different story when it comes to attacking my little brother!” I snapped at Josh.
Everyone went silent; the rage on Josh’s face dropped and was replaced with hurt.
Shit.
“Whatever Oli.” He took Oskar from me and stormed off to our bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
“Josh!”
Of course he didn’t reply back to me.
I felt so guilty, for yelling at him and for hitting Oskar; I don’t know what came over me.
“I’m sorry… I overreacted, it was nothing I should’ve just handle it myself.” Sad regret was in Tom’s voice.
“No, its fine.”
“I don’t want to cause problems between you and Josh.”
“Tom its fine, really.” I lied.

Josh was asleep and Oskar was curled up into a ball asleep next to him. I crawled onto the bed and gently kissed Josh on the cheek and patted Oskar lightly on the head; I didn’t want to wake them. I didn’t mean to upset them earlier; I felt so bad for doing what I did, I don’t understand why I even did it.
“I’m sorry guys.” I whispered before turning away and being left with today’s thoughts.
I found my brother, found out my mother is dead, relived the past of my father’s abuse and hurt my family. It was all too much to take in; the tears filled my eyes and I couldn’t hold it in any longer so I just burst into tears.
“Oli?” A sleepy voice called out to me but I ignored it.
“Hey babe, why are you crying?” Josh’s warm arms wrapped around me, pulling me close to him so we were spooning.
“It’s just been a long day…” I sniffed.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
He never pushes me to speak anymore; he always waits till I’m ready to open up to him.
“My…my mum died Josh…”
“Oh baby I’m so sorry.” He tighten his arms around me, making more tears fall from my eyes.
“I don’t even know why I’m crying.”
“It’s all my fault.” He mumbled into my shoulder.
“No love its not, she was the one who left me, she was the one who gave up on me and decided I wasn’t worth fighting for…but now she’s left Tom all on his own and he needs me Josh.”
He kept quiet, resting his cheek on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier, I didn’t mean it.”
“I know your upset baby, but try not to take it out on me and Oskar okay.”
“I know I’m sorry, it’s just… we were talking about dad earlier and I guess seeing Oskar attacking Tom kinda freaked me out, I can’t handle the thought of anyone hurting him.”
Josh laughed a little.
“He’s been in your life for 5 minutes and you’ve already turned into the over protective big brother.”
Oskar’s small barked interrupted us, he was looking over Josh’s side wanting to be apart of our hug.
“Come here you, I think daddy’s got something to say to you.”
“Hey I’m sorry little man.” I pouted my lips letting Oskar cover me in kisses.
“Should I call your therapist in the morning?”
Josh seemed worried about me.
“Josh I’m fine…really love, let Karen enjoy her Christmas holiday in peace.”
“Okay, night baby.”

“You two look rather cosy.”
Tom was all wrapped up in his duvet on the sofa, with Oskar asleep on his lap.
“He’s not so bad I guess.”
I smiled at the cute little bond Oskar and Tom had made while I was at work.
I joined them on the sofa.
“Was the sofa alright to sleep on?”
“Yeah it was fine.”
I felt abit bad making him sleep on the sofa but Josh would have had something to say if I offered him our bed.
“Where’s Josh?”
“Christmas shopping with a friend.”
An hour later Josh came home with a few shopping bags, which he hurried to hide in our bedroom without me seeing. He was such a big kid when it came to Christmas, I wasn’t a big fan of surprises but Josh always spoiled me with them.
“Did you have fun love?”
“I met Vic’s boyfriend.”
“He’s got a boyfriend?”
I was curious; I never really thought Vic was into guys…well other than Josh that is, but hopefully this means he’s officially washed his hands of Josh.
“Yeah his name is Jamie, seems like a really great guy.”
“So this means he’s done being in love with you now?” I joked.
“Shh you, he doesn’t have feelings for me like that anymore and you know it. And besides he’s still my best friend and I’m happy he’s found someone.”
Tom glanced over at me confused at our conversation.
“It’s a long story.” I mumbled to him which he nodded in reply.
Josh joined us on the sofa, cuddling right up to me leaving kisses along my neck.
I moved away a couple of times, hinting him to stop.
“Oli?” he frowned.
“What?”
“Can’t I kiss my boyfriend?”
“Course you can.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips.
“Seriously?”
I hid under my fringe; I didn’t want to do this in front of my little brother, its abit awkward.
Josh let out a huff and stormed into the kitchen in a mood, great very mature Josh.
I knew I shouldn’t of but I followed after him.
“What is your problem?”
“Josh I just don’t want us kissing in front of Tom.”
“Why, are you ashamed?”
“Don’t be stupid, I just don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable…”
“Oli it’s our house for crying out loud!”
“And Tom is our guest so we should treat him with respect while he’s here.”
“Babe it’s been 2 days since we’ve last had sex.” He lowered his voice hoping Tom wouldn’t hear.
“That’s a record for us!”
“Don’t act like your not gagging for it!”
I was annoyed at how rude Josh was coming across, but deep down he was right, I was dying to rip his clothes off and have my dirty little way with him. Two days has been the longest we’ve been without each other in months! I’ve been so distracted with Tom I hadn’t realised how sexually frustrated I was…
Josh push me against the kitchen counter and kissed me rough and heavily, I tried to push him away but who am I kidding I wanted this just as much as he did. I relaxed and started to kiss him back just as rough, my hands slide their way down to Josh’s butt grabbing it as I pulled him closer to me.
“Oh erm…I’m sorry!”
Fuck!
Me and Josh jump back from each other, shuffling in our clothing, as our faces flared bright red.
Tom stood awkwardly in the door way, refusing to take his eyes off the ground. His cheeks were also flushed red; there was no warning sign for any of us.
I can’t believe he just walked in on us making out; I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!
“I was going to ask if I can have a shower…” he whispered biting his lip.
“Sure, I’ll get you a towel.”
As soon as I walked out of the bathroom Josh grabbed me and threw me onto our bed; pinning me down as he crushed his lips on to mine.
“Josh what the hell?”
“We ain’t got long, so shut up and just enjoy yourself.”
I didn’t bother arguing with him, there was no point and besides he was so damn sexy when he was this demanding.
I had a feeling these next few moments were gonna be something fucking amazing.

It was Christmas morning and we were all sat in our cold living room opening presents.
I unwrapped a small box Josh had given to me; the smile didn’t leave his face the whole time while I was opening it.
The box revealed a sliver necklace with a heart shaped charm attached to it; as I pulled it out of the box to take a better look, I realise the charm had a “J” engraved on it. It was beautiful.
“Josh love.” I was lost for words.
He pulled out a necklace from under his t-shirt which he was already wearing.
“I have the other piece.” He smiled as he put the two charms together which form a full heart; his charm had an “O” engraved on it.
“Oh Josh…I really do love it. Thank you.”
I pressed my lips gently against his, not really caring about Tom seeing us this time, I loved his present.
Instead of wearing it as a necklace, I wrapped the chain around my wrist and made it into a bracelet instead.
“I have a present for you too Oliver.”
“Tom you really didn’t have to, I know you can’t afford it.”
“It’s okay, it wasn’t much.”
He handed me a terrible wrapped present, it must have been last minute.
“Sorry, the photo had a little accident.”
The present was a small rectangle picture frame; inside the frame was an old crumpled photograph which looks like it had been ripped in half.
It was a photograph of me, Tom and I think mum…
“Mum?” I choked.
“She talked about you all the time.”
My mother’s blurry face was now replaced with this lost memory. She was smiling as she held me and Tom close to her…we looked happy.
“She felt bad about what she did…about leaving you behind. She said it was the biggest mistake she ever made.”
I hid under my fringe, as I felt my eyes water at Tom’s words.
“She loved you Oliver.”
I let out a ragged breath, as a tear escaped my eye, rolling down my cheek.
She loved me? She really did?
Even though she left me behind all those years ago and all the hurtful words my father told me about her…she still loved me after all this time.
I just wished I had the chance to tell her I forgive her.
“Oli baby, you okay?” Josh rubbed his hand on my back, knowing Tom’s words must have been hard for me to hear.
I nodded slowly at him, not being able to speak.
“I know the photograph isn’t the family you remember, or the family you once dreamt of…but I was wondering if… erm.”
Tom paused making me look towards him.
“…Is there enough room in your new family for one more?”
My heart sank.
He wanted to be apart of my family? All I ever wanted was to be apart of a family and I didn’t even realise I had my own.
Tom was already family, but he was asking to be apart of mine and Josh’s.
I glanced over at Josh with heartbreaking eyes, he was hiding his face behind Oskar; he had tears in his eyes too. I didn’t even have to ask him, he already knew how much Tom meant to me. He nodded at me before he hid his face completely into Oskar.
“Of course there’s room for you!”
I got up and pulled him into the biggest hug ever, where my tears decided they didn’t want to stop falling.
“I love you Tom, you’re the best Christmas present I could ever ask for.”
“I love you too Oliver.”
We didn’t pull away; we just stood holding each other as we cried in each other’s arms.
“Welcome to the family Tom.” Josh said making it official.
I finally pulled away from Tom and turned to thank Josh, but notice he was wiping a tear from his eye.
Soppy git, he’s actually crying!
I kissed Josh on the lips and then lent my forehead against his.
“Thank you for understanding how much he means to me.”
“We’re a family Oli and your family is my family.” He smiled his beautiful smile which always made me weak at the knees.
“I’m so happy Josh.” I wept.
I never actually thought those words would ever pass my lips.
I was happy…actually happy for the first time in my life.
I have my family; Josh, Oskar and now Tom.
My perfect little family…I guess everything in the past must have happened for a reason, so this could happen. For me to be forever happy with my family, they were truly the best things to ever happen to me.
It was by far the best Christmas ever.