Wednesday at 4

There was a slight hum in the room today. Maybe the computer was running a little too hot and wanted to cool off, or maybe Kellin had finally started to hear things.

The <i>doctor</i> sat in front of him just looking, not saying anything, just staring in a certain sense of curiosity. It had been like this for a couple weeks now. Every Wednesday at 4 o’clock sharp Kellin arrived with his mother. His mother would wait in the waiting room while the doctor called him in. He honestly forgot the woman’s name already. He didn’t really care what it was to be honest.

“Look Kellin, you’ve been coming here for over seven weeks now.” The doctor said. Her brow was drawn together in clear agitation. She rubbed her temples that were being pulled on from the tight bun at the top of her head. He knew he was probably frustrating her, but like I said earlier, he really didn’t care. “Let’s make a deal, hmm?” She asked. Kellin shifted in the chair he was sitting in and lifted an eyebrow as in a silent <i>go on</i>. “You talk to me, for this one session, and I’ll tell your parents you’ve made remarkable progress and suggest you no longer come to sessions.”

Kellin thought this over. It wouldn’t be bad. An hour of talking in exchange for numerous hours of freedom in the future. It seemed like the perfect deal, not like she was going to go through with it. But, it didn’t hurt to try. Besides, she wasn’t allowed to tell any of this to his parents anyways, doctor-patient-confidentiality and all that.

“What would you like to know?” He mused, pulling his hands in front of him.

“Well, for starters, why are you here?” She asked.

Kellin laughed at the clicheness of the question. There were plenty of reasons why he would be sitting in a psychiatrist’s office, but only one that stuck out. “My parents think I’m crazy.” He stated simply.

“They think you’re crazy?” She repeated.

He nodded. “Yeah, crazy, you know, insane, bonkers, off the rocker, metal, a basket case. They think I’m crazy.”

“Why do you think that?” She asked, taking a few notes.

“I don’t think,” he said. “I know.”

“Okay,” she replied. “How do you know?”

“You see, my parents are very . . . old fashioned, one might say. It was no surprise they would send me here after what happened.” He responded.

“How are they old fashioned?”

“They are stuck in the old ways. They don’t realize things are different now. The people are different. We don’t do things in the same ways. We don’t do what they used to, and my parents don’t like that. They saw some things that they didn’t like, and they did what they thought was best. Here we are.”

“And who is we?” She then asked.

“Everyone,” he shrugged. “No one, I don’t know. We is someone who isn’t them.”

She nodded, writing more words on her yellow legal pad, and Kellin wondered if it had anything to do with what he was saying. Was she writing that he was talking pyscho babble? Was she bored with him, and decided to draw pictures of squirrels in the margins? That’s what he would have done. People’s problems seemed to bore him. Hell, his own problems barely graced his mind as something interesting. Why would anyone want to sit for hours of the day doing nothing but listening?

“So, Kellin, I know a little about what happened, so let me here your version. How did this all start?” She asked then.

“Well,” he said, looking her in the eye for the first time. He noticed they were a dull version of brown. He never really liked brown eyes. They were boring. Only one person with brown eyes ever caught his attention. “You could say it started when we moved here from up north, but it really started with Victor Fuentes.”

“Victor Fuentes?”

He nodded. “He prefers to go by Vic, but I call him that to get under his skin. It’s quite amusing.”

“Tell me about this Vic Fuentes then.” She suggested.

He shrugged. “There isn’t that much to tell. He was born here in San Diego. He’s Mexican, has a brother.”

“Well then, tell me how this involves him then.” She then requested.

Kellin pondered about how much he should tell this woman. She couldn’t be trusted. She was paid by his parents, but she said she wouldn’t tell anyone anything on their first meeting. That was a long time ago, though. Maybe she forgot. Something told the pale teen that she didn’t.

“He was the first person that caught my attention when we moved. It was the nigh we moved in, and I remembered it was very warm that day. We were moving boxes from the truck into the house, putting them where they belonged, as one does when they moved states. The street was desolate, and we all thought that was a little strange. We had moved from a small town where everyone was always bouncing around everywhere, so we had never seen a place so empty. But, it was Monday when we first moved, so we didn’t think anything of it.

It was actually that night when I saw him. I was putting things in my room, setting things up and all. My light was off though. I was never really a fan of overhead lights. I saw him through my window. He was leaning against the street light across from my house. There was a cigarette in his hand, but he never actually smoked it, just watched it burn in his hand. There was another boy with him, but he wasn’t that interesting to me. He quickly went in the house behind the two anyways.

The wind blew then, and this boy’s hair was long, to his shoulders, which was long for my family, and it blew around in his face. He looked up then, to my window, and I couldn’t help but feel like he saw me looking at him. He just stared straight at me, like he knew I was there, but he couldn’t have. I didn’t have any lights on, and it was pitch black outside. We just stared at each other for a long while. The only reason I think we stopped was because the other boy came back out. They both went back in the house after that. I couldn’t help but wonder about him the rest of the night.”

She nodded. “Then what happened?”

“I saw him around every once and while. I didn’t talk to him for a few weeks after we moved here. We went to the same high school together, the one around ten blocks from our street. Sometimes I caught him, and who I learned was his brother, driving to school when I left to walk. I always thought it was strange for them to leave so early when they were driving. I got to school around ten minutes early, so no doubt they would be there for half an hour.

I wasn’t actually formally introduced to them until one day around a month or so after we got here. I was carrying some massive project with me, can’t really remember what, but I could see where I was stepping, and barely could see over it. That was just an accident waiting to happen, right? Well, I ended up tripping over some guy’s bag that was lying in the hall. The project flew out of my hands, and I remembered cussing after I got back up off the floor.

The guy who owned the bag was a guy in my grade. He was in my lit class, and I remembered his name was Jamie. He had crazy hair, tan, kinds tall. He was always jumpy, too. So, when I fell, he immediately apologized about a million times, helping me up and asking if I was okay and all that. I told him I was fine and things like that, but he continued to fuss.

That was when I met him. Vic, I mean. He picked up my project and handed back to me. It was the first time I got a real look at him. He was shorter than me, I realized then. He was a lot tanner, too. His hard was dark, and that was when I learned he was Hispanic. I remember just staring at him for a while, and he did the same. This time the reason we stopped was because Jamie asked if we knew each other. Vic said I was his neighbor, and I thought <i>this guy actually noticed me?</i>”

“So, you met Vic. Did your relationship continue?”

Kellin chuckled lowly. It was that “if only you knew” kind of laugh. He nodded. “Yeah, it did.”

“How so?”

“It was casual at first. Jamie thought that the little incident in the hall automatically made us friends, so he would talk to me in class and would wave in the halls. It was odd. You could say he was the first friend I made here. He even invited me to seat with him and his friends at lunch. I told him I would give it a try, and that was how I ended up sitting with Vic and his friends for lunch every day.

There were two others that sat with them. A guy with long hair and tattoos named Tony, and Vic’s brother, who I learned was Mike. They were funny. Their conversations were amusing, and if they debating long enough, it would turn into Spanish. I didn’t really talk much, was never really much of a talk anyways. I would just listen.

That was the only time I really ever talked to them, well besides Jamie who I still saw in class. We were content with that for a while. It wasn’t until one night when my parents were fighting particularly loud that I actually had a conversation with Vic.”

“Your parents were fighting?” She asked.

“Yeah, they usually were. That was why we moved in the first place. My mom caught him cheating on her and gave him two choices. She could leave him and take everything he had, or they could leave and never look back.” Kellin explained.

“Was that difficult?” The doctor prodded. “Your parents fighting like that?”

“I didn’t really care. I grew up like that, didn’t know anything else. No matter what he chose, I would have moved one way or another. When my mother threatened to take everything of his, it included me, so I was prepared to go somewhere new.”

She nodded her head at the boy in front of her, taking notes then looking back up. “So then what happened with Vic? Your parents were fighting and what else?” She was going to milk this out for as long as she could. This was the most the boy had ever talked, and she didn’t have other appointments for the day. He could go on as long as he was willing.

“Right, well, I was outside on my porch, just trying to get away from it. They were too loud, and I already had a headache that day, I remember. So I went out for some fresh air. It was still warm out, but there was a breeze. I remember thinking how it was nothing like back home because there it would be bitter cold out at night, and there would probably be some snow.

Anyways, I was outside on the porch when Vic was walking out to lean on the post. He lit a cigarette, but he still didn’t smoke it. I don’t remember how long I was watching him before he realized I was out there, but when he saw me, he waved me over. He asked if I wanted a cig, and I told him that I didn’t smoke. He laughed and said that he didn’t either. I pointed to the sick in his hand, and he told me that whenever he got bored he liked to watch it burn slowly. He said that it was interesting to feel the heat on his flesh. I told him there were better things to do with his time, and he mocked me about sitting on my porch as something interesting to do until I told him why I was out there.

He didn’t give me any sympathy, no pity. Just said that people fight sometimes and to let it pass. I didn’t tell him that it hasn’t passed for the last seventeen years. But, the way he just blew off the problem made me respect him. It was the first thing I liked about him. He either doesn’t care about your problems and is straight up, or he doesn’t think it’s important enough to worry about. He was always really honest.”

“How did this increase your relationship?”

“When he saw me on the porch, he would invite me over to his spot under the lamp post. We would talk for a while before going back to our real lives. We wouldn’t have superficial conversations or ask how was the other’s day or bull shit like that. We would really talk; have conversations that could match philosopher’s. He was very dark, had a very dark look on life, but at the same time, he knew that no matter what happened, everything was going to be okay.

After a few times of that, I realized Vic was my first real friends here. We talked in school sometimes, but I found myself meeting him every day after dark. We would watch the smoke rise from his cigarette that he didn’t smoke, and just escape for a while.

Mike started to notice us hanging outside their house, and he would make an effort to pick fun at us at lunch, talking about our heart eyes towards each other and all that. The boys caught on, too, and suddenly they deemed us a couple. It never bothered Vic though, which I was glad because I didn’t want this thing I had with him to go away. He would brush it off, and every time he would, he would look at me with this look. It wasn’t a bad look. It was a look that said he wanted to tell me something but couldn’t, or maybe it was something about him knowing something I didn’t.

We continued to laugh at the others because it wasn’t true. We didn’t like each other like that, or so I thought.”

“Go on.” The doctor edged, hoping she wasn’t pushing her luck.

Kellin looked down at his hands, trying to figure out how to word the next part. “My parents were fighting again, except this time it was raining outside. I was sitting on the porch with my hood over my eyes just in the rain because it was better than being inside I thought. It wasn’t cold rain, so it wasn’t too bad. Sometimes back home the rain would feel like snow, so you wouldn’t want to stay out in it for long. But, here, I think I was out there for five, maybe ten minutes before I felt the rain stop really suddenly above me. It was still raining, so I thought it was strange.

I looked up, and Vic was holding a umbrella above me with the usual cigarette in his hand. I don’t know how it happened because it seemed like it went really fast, but next thing I knew I was in his house. It was the first time, too. I was standing right inside the door, just dripping onto the hard wood, when a short woman came up. I could tell it was Vic’s mother. She started to fuss over me, almost instantly. Something about catching a cold from the rain, and I wanted to laugh because I never caught a cold from the rain, even when it was freezing. Vic didn’t’ want to fight with his mom, though, so he brought me up to his room, sat me in his desk chair, and started pulling out clothes for me to wear.

He gave me a t-shirt that was too big for him because I’m a little taller and some sweats, though I never really worn them, always preferred jeans. They were comfortable enough though. I remember changing in front of him, not really caring because there really wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. I was never one to be insecure with my body. I’m just a tall, lanky kid, so I was kind of normal for guys my age. I just remembered that he stared at me for a moment too long to be getting lost in thought, and quickly scrambled out of the room with me clothes. He said something about putting them in the sink of something. It made sense because they were soaking and everything.

When he came back it was normal enough. We were sitting on his bed together. I was looking around his room while he was just sitting there, sometimes looking over at me, sometimes looking to where I was looking. He had poster on the wall, clothes on the floor, a messy desk. It was usual for a teenager.

We sat there for a while. There were some conversations here and there as the night went on. We were really just enjoying each other’s company to be honest. He was the one who kissed me first. We were lying on our sides facing each other, and it just happened. One second we were laughing about something I can’t remember, and then we were kissing. It was nice, and I liked it a lot. When we pulled away from it, I kissed him again. And, that was how we spent our night, just talking each other and kissing occasionally.”

“Did you two form a relationship after that?” She asked.

Kellin shrugged. “We never really put a label on each other. I never called him my boyfriend or anything. It just sort of became part of the routine. Now instead of just talking, we would kiss, too. The guys didn’t think it was strange when we did it, and we didn’t really care if they did. We would hold hands in the hallway, and sometimes at night we would just lay in his bed. It wasn’t anything strange to us. It just sort of happened. He was still my friend. He just happened to be my friend that I would kiss, and cuddle, and hold hands with. It was sort of an unspoken thing, and we didn’t do it with other people. I guess you could say we were in a monogamous relationship, but we never said it was.”

“Did this become sexual?”

“Yeah, of course,” Kellin nodded. “We’re two teenagers after all. That sort of happened, too. It was a few months after we started whatever started between us, and Vic was the first one to make a move, too. We were at his house, and the more I think about it, I don’t think he really ever went to my house. Anyways, we were at his house alone because everyone was out at the time. We were kissing, and then we started taking clothes off, and then Vic was asking if it was okay. I said yes. We had sex, and it was nice. It wasn’t the only time it happened, but we had to be careful. His parents and brother were fine with us being . . . affectionate, you could say, but it was weird, the whole PDA thing to me. Holding his hands in school took a lot of effort.

Anyways, we didn’t have to be careful because of them. We had to be careful because of my parents. They didn’t agree on much, but they did agree on not liking people who were in a relationship like Vic and me.”

“Your parents are homophobes then?” The doctor asked.

Kellin shook his head. “Not exactly, they weren’t homophobic. They just didn’t like things breaking the norm. They liked the status quo, main stream things. They thought people shouldn’t be living together until they were married. You were married a virgin. You didn’t get divorced, and you marry a girl if you’re a guy, and a guy if you are a girl. It was simple.”

“I thought your mother threatened to leave your father.” She pondered, writing a few things down.

“She did,” he responded. “That doesn’t mean she would divorce him though. That was why he chose to move. He didn’t want to get a divorce even though he knew he wouldn’t.”

“So, you had to hide from your parents. How does that lead you to being here?” She asked.

“We got careless. We thought we knew what we were doing when we didn’t. They caught us kissing outside one time.” He replied shortly.

“So, they singed you up for therapy because you’re gay?”

“No, not exactly,” he denied. “They signed me up for therapy because they think something is wrong with my head. They think I’m not wired right or something. They banned me from seeing him because it wasn’t good for me. I told them what Vic and I were doing was perfectly normal, that they were the ones who were wrong. We didn’t scream at each other every second and claimed we loved each other. We didn’t feel suffocated, and we weren’t disgusted from the other’s touch. They were, and when I told them this, they said I was being unruly and needed to learn some respect.

The next thing I know, they’re looking up the best psychiatrists for teenage conduct changing or whatever, and here we are. Apparently you know how to fix bad behavior, and I’m in need of changing.”

The doctor nodded, knowing that was her usual patient, and when the scrawny teen walked in, she had thought he was like all of her other patients. Most of them were on drugs or had anger issues, bad grades, things that could be fixed with a few attitude checks and a couple of pills. She didn’t know how to fix parents who didn’t like their kid’s boyfriend, if that.

“It’s five, can I go now?” He asked, looking down at his phone before back at her.

She nodded her head. “Yes, you can go, and tell your parents I think you are in no more need of any more sessions. There is nothing I can do to help you besides telling you to be more subtle next time.”

Kellin nodded his head and was out the door. He told his mom when she asked, and she smiled, telling him she was proud of his progress. He didn’t tell her what she didn’t know, and she was left none the wiser.

The night was left in a blur. Kellin’s father told him he was glad that he left his past behind him, and Kellin tried not to cringe when he referred to Vic as his mistake best left in the past. He didn’t tell him about anything either. They didn’t talk anymore, not that they did much before anyways. Kellin never really liked his father, and only bared begin with his mother.

That night, when Kellin went up to bed, his mother reminded him to close his window because she noticed it open earlier. He nodded, but didn’t close it until after Vic left his room the next morning. Kellin took his doctor’s advice before she even gave it to him. Vic and him were a lot more subtle these days, but that doesn’t mean they still weren’t together.