Hold on Till May

San Diego weather always is perfect I thought to myself as I sat out on the patio of my new-ish apartment writing, and sipping Corona . Mike decided when we got home from tour two months ago he was going to move in with Frenchi, and I decided that it was time for me to get a place of my own as well. It was quite a nice place. It was a one bedroom apartment, on the edge of town. The only downside was that it was extremely close to some train tracks, but they weren’t used that often anymore. I only got the disturbance of a train two to three times a week. The sun was still high in the sky due to the long summer days. It sure as hell didn’t feel like seven o’clock in the evening. I sighed looking down at the notebook in my lap that had yet to be written in. We were in need of some more song options for the new album and I couldn’t seem to get the creative juices flowing. I threw the pen down, and ran my hand through my girly hair. Yes, I admit it’s girly, but cutting it just isn’t an option. I’m pretty sure the fans would kill me. The phone rang from inside and I rushed up to get it.

The name lighting up my cell phone was one I hadn’t heard in awhile.
“Hello?” I picked up hesitantly.
“Vic” she breathed out in relief. My eyes widened, and I could feel my heart pick up it’s pace as her voice came through the phone.
“Riley, I, uhm. Not to sound rude, but why are you calling exactly? How did you even get this number?” I questioned her. Riley and I had never dated or anything (not really at least), but she was my best friend up until around five years ago. Things kind of fell apart when I started touring a lot, and she well she stopped calling.. We didn’t end our friendship on a very good note, though friendships never really do end nicely.
“Maybe this was a mistake...” she mumbled. “No, no. Seriously though, how did you get this number?” I asked her.
“I uhm ran into Mike the other day. I’m in town and I thought maybe I could see you?” She asked hope filling her voice. I could practically imagine her cheeks flushed, and playing with her hair nervously. “Oh.. Uhm. Sure. Where are you? Do you just want to come to my place?” I asked her nervously. I hadn’t seen this girl in five years, I had no idea what to expect. “I’m just at Lena’s cafe... Is that anywhere near your place?” She asked. I smiled, and sighed. “That’s like two blocks away.” I gave her the address and she promised to be here within fifteen minutes.

I never thought Riley would walk back into my life, but now the girl would be here in less than a half hour. I wanted nothing more than to hug her, and tell her I’ve missed her but I wasn’t too sure on where things laid between us. I made sure the place didn’t look messy, and dumped my now warm beer down the drain. A light knock sounded from the front door. I took a deep breath, settled my hair, and went to open the door. God I’m such a pussy sometimes. I swung the door open, and the girl in front of me nearly took my breath away. “Vic” she smiled, and threw herself at me. I caught the girl in my arms, hugging her back tightly. I buried my face into her neck, taking a deep breath to try and calm my nerves. I pulled back from her, taking her small hands in mine, and looking her over. I couldn’t believe the young girl I once knew was the same person as the women standing in front of me. “Riley, I... Wow” was all I could muster up. She smiled shyly, looking down at the floor. “You look good Victor” She told me, as I let go of her hands. I closed the door, and began to lead her to the living room. We both sat as an awkward silence filled the room. “So, what brings you back to California? I mean did you move back?” I questioned her innocently. I really do hope she was back for good. I wanted her back in my life more than anything else, despite the hurt feelings we both were left with. “Well I wouldn’t exactly call it moving back. I’m in the process of looking for a place to live. All my stuff is at my sister’s place, but she is due to have a baby girl any day now so I don’t want to overstay my welcome, and well you know how my parents are...” she trailed off. I nodded unsure of what exactly to say. “So not to be so blunt, what made you call me?” She played with the ends of her hair, and crossed her legs underneath herself on the sofa. “I’ve missed you Vic, more than you could possibly imagine” She began. Oh believe me Riley I can imagine, because my heart literally broke when we stopped talking. “I just wanted to, well I needed to see you. Try and make things right between us. I don’t really know anyone here anymore, and I just” I cut her off as nicely as I possibly could. “And you were just wondering if you could stay here?” I guessed, raising my eyebrows.
“What? No, no, no Vic. It wasn’t about that. I was never going to ask. I couldn’t expect you to do that, especially after everything that happened between us.” she rambled on. “Riley! Riley! Riley Ann!” I finally got her to stop talking. “Don’t be crazy. Of course you can stay here. You don’t even have to ask.” I told her, smiling. She shook her head. “It’ll only be for a few weeks at most, I promise. I can find a place soon, I promise” She told me. “You can stay as long as you need. Plus, you hate staying alone so don’t worry about finding a place too soon” She rolled her eyes. “Three years of living alone in Chicago changes things Vic” she whispered. “Three? What happened to the other three years you were there?” I asked her interested in the part of her life I knew nothing of. “That is a story for another time.” she smiled sweetly at me.

She finally looked around the apartment, taking it all in. She glanced at the coffee table in front of the couch, and picked up the stack of magazines sitting there. They were mostly magazines sent to me by companies that were featuring the band, or ones I’d picked up with articles on Kellin, Craig, All Time Low, or other people that were close to me. “Well uhm, how are the guys?” She asked, flipping onto a page of Alternative Press with Tony on it. “Good, good. Crazy like always” I told her, chuckling. “And you? How’s the rockstar life?” she asked me, she smiled, but I could hear the bitter way she asked me. “I’ve been alright. Touring never gets old. It’s been almost ten years since I started doing small tours. Hearing the crowd sing back the lyrics I’ve written, the letters from fans telling me I’ve saved them, the meet and greets. It’s unbelievable it really is Riley” I told her honestly. “Big deal huh? I mean I guess you guys are official. Making it and all.” She said, tossing the stack back on the table. I nodded, not sure what to say really. “Do you have anything to drink?” she piped up. “Uhm yeah.. Water, juice” I began listing, caught off guard. “Anything strong?’ She asked me, raising her eyebrow. “Uhm yeah. Corona, Vodka, frozen Margarita things in the freezer” I tried to think if I had anything else. Without Mike, I didn’t need much alcohol. “Perfect” she got up, walking into my kitchen. I shook my head confused.

When she walked back in she had the bottle of ice cold Vodka, and a corona in hand. She handed me the opened Corona, and flopped herself onto the couch, opening the vodka, and taking a swig from the bottle. My eyes widened in shock. “Damn Novio” I told her, sipping my Corona. She shrugged. “Like I said, Chicago changes things” she shook her head, taking another large drink.

I watched Riley down maybe half a bottle before I decided to try and stop her. “Maybe you should slow down Riles” I told her, putting my hand on her knee. She stood up abruptly causing her to stumble a bit. “You know Vic, things really have changed haven’t they?” She asked, walking around the living room, tears building up in her eyes. “Riley, come on, sit down. Talk to me” I tried to soothe her. “Do you know what it’s like to wake up one morning, and realize just how fucked everything is?” she questioned, taking another sip. I sat there, unsure of what to say, or do to help the beautiful, broken girl in front of me. “I mean things were always fucked weren’t there? My parents never cared, I hated myself, I was the stupid, unwanted cutter in high school, and then there was you. Perfect, caring, savior you. But I went and fucked that up too didn’t I?” She let out a humorless laugh, and stopped walking, coming to a halt in front of the table, in front of me, but just out of reach. “What are you talking about Riley? I’m right here” I told her, looking into her dark eyes. “That’s not what I mean Victor” She sang. “Then come here, explain to me baby” I tried to coax her into sitting down with me. “Bingo Vic! Baby!” She shouted, more tears rushing down her face.

My eyes went wide. I never thought, even in her drunken state she would bring it up. She came around, and sat down on the couch next to me, but not before taking another drink. “I’m sorry..” she whispered. Her voice got louder then “I mean had I not lost him, maybe you would have stuck around. Maybe we would be together, maybe I wouldn’t be the screw up I am now!” she told me. I shook my head, and tried to grab her hand. “He would have been perfect Vic, just like you. I didn’t mean to lose him. You were so excited, we were so close. It was like we were finally a couple..” she said quietly, wiping the violent tears away. The water began to swell in my eyes as well. “Riley, that wasn’t your fault. The doctor said so, your sister told you, I told you. That was not your fault. Things happen sometimes, and we can’t understand or explain why but you miscarrying was not your fault.” I told her, once again going to grab her hand, but she moved it quickly. “Why am I even alive Vic? Why was I born? From the day I was born my parents were never around, they didn’t care. I ran away for hours and they didn’t even look for me. All I did was try to make others happy, and I failed myself.” She cried out. I went to grab the bottle this time. “Riley, you need to put the bottle away. You’re wasted, and thinking about the past again isn’t going to help anything. Please, give me the bottle.” She shook her head. I stared into her sad eyes, wiping away my own tears. “Everything will be okay. Please” I pleaded with her. She stood up again, standing in front of me. “Vic, if you were me you would do the same things.” She rolled up her sleeve to reveal some new scars overlapping the old that I had seen so many times before. The tears began to flow from my own eyes again. “I can’t take it anymore! So many times in Chicago I thought about closing my bedroom door, drawing the shades. Everything has never been okay Vic. I’m not alright! I would rather die than continue living this fucking live. I want to die” She she told me firmly. I stood up, and took her face in my rough calloused hands. The bottle dropped to the floor shattering as I pressed my lips to hers hungrily. I lifted her up, her legs wrapping around my waste. Our lips always had molded perfectly together. I shivered, and began to walk us toward my bedroom. I missed this, I missed her. I pressed her back against my wall, to help support her while I lifted both of our shirts over our heads.

The clothes were soon gone, and I lay on top of her on the wood floor. I kissed her lips sweetly, and looked into her eyes as if to ask if she was sure this was okay. She nodded, and I continued. I could barely hear the train outside, all that my mind could focus on was her. As I became one with her, the train shook the window. I heard Riley breathe out my name, before I rolled over and laid next to her, grabbing a blanket off the bed to wrap around us.

She laid her head on my chest, just over my heart, as our breathing was still rough, and off pace. “Where did you go Riley” I asked her, stroking her hair. She sighed, and began to trace patterns on my chest. “I moved out of my dorm, and got my own place. I just figured you would be better off without me. You eventually stopped trying to contact me after a year, and I thought you would move on and be happy. I blamed myself for losing our baby. I loved you Vic, more than anything even if I was nothing but a drunken rebound” She told me, placing a small kiss on my chest. I tilted her head up to look me in the eyes as I looked down at her. “You were never just a drunken rebound. And I never blamed you for losing him. I wanted you more than anything Riley. I never got over you, I simply dealt with it, because I thought you wanted nothing to do with me. I mean I had no idea where you were. I loved you too” I told her. She shook her head. “How can you be so kind to me, after everything I did?” she asked me. “Because I love you. I can’t blame you for doing what you did. I should have canceled tour for the next year and stayed with you, I should have helped you deal with it all. I should have been yours” I told her honestly. “I love you too Victor” she whispered. “Then stay with me. And I don’t mean stay in San Diego Riley. I mean stay alive. I’m here for you, forever and always. Everyone gets down, in low spots sometimes. You were there for me when I was. You can’t leave me now. I promise you darling, you’ll be okay” I reassured her, kissing the top of her head, and twisting her hair with my fingers. “I won’t shut you out again” she promised me, and leaned up to press her lips to mine. She pulled away and rested on my chest again. Her eyes fluttered close, and her breathing became deep and even. Everything was going to be okay. This love was out of control, always had been. But she was mine, and I was going to be there for her. Forever.