Hellraiser

The drive was exhausting. 17 hours in the car with an upset newborn isn’t any fun. No matter my protests or through my cries, my parents never turned the vehicle back. They were hell bent on ensuring I wouldn’t ever see my husband again. “Where’s Sharon?” I ask. “Sharon’s already at our new home. We left the day after Manson stole you away.” Mom answers. The scenery changed dramatically. Back home it was flat fields and golden plains. Here, wherever we are, there is just sand. Sand and seldom plant life. I think we are taking the back roads, because we haven’t been on the highway hardly at all. Maybe we are in Arizona? They won’t tell me. “We’re here!” My dad announces as we pull up to a large stucco house in the middle of nowhere. Sand. There are no trees, no grass. Just rocks and dirt. “Where are we?” I ask for the billionth time. “We aren’t going to tell you. Don’t worry, Sharon doesn’t know either.” Dad responds. I carry Zarah up to the house and feel anxiety building deep inside my chest.
This house is a typical middle class family home, but there is just something that isn’t right. My bedroom is similar to my last one but I miss Brian so much. “At least they bought stuff for your room, huh baby?” I ask the beautiful sleeping Zarah.
That night is difficult. Will I ever see my husband again? Will our child grow up without a father? Questions, loneliness and more questions. Will he go off and find someone better before he finds me? It is then that I recall his words right after our wedding.
A short flashback
It was the morning after we got married, back at the house in Colorado. Brian and I were sitting on the porch swing, just holding each other. “I have something for you.” He says as he pulls a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. I open it. “Love me forever, please?” A check box for ‘Yes’ and one for ‘No’ I take the pen from his hand and check ‘Yes’ then hand it back to him. He smiles. “Good, I would die without you, Violet.” Manson says. “Naw, you’re Marilyn Manson, there’s plenty of women who would love to be with you. You’d be just fine.” I reply. “No, I wouldn’t. I don’t love any other women. I just love you. You’re my girl, Vi. I’d die without my girl.” He says with eye contact. I giggle. “And how exactly would you die without me?” I question. “I just have a really strange premonition that if you die or go missing, I will die right after you. I can’t handle losing you. You’re my angel, my little angel.”
End of Flashback
A week goes by. Zarah is doing well, I’m always holding her and talking to her, it makes us both feel better.
I sit at the dining table with a book after changing the baby. I hear my parents whispering from the kitchen. “How do we tell her?” Mom asks. “I don’t know, she’s not going to handle it well.” Dad responds. “He was her husband.” Mom points out. Dad sighs. “I know, I just don’t know how to tell her.” “Tell me what?” I interject. My mother approaches me with a sad, almost guilty expression. “Violet, your husband is dead.” “Marilyn? No!” I insist. “But he is, he was assassinated four days ago and his funeral was yesterday.” Dad tells me. “No, you’re lying!” I shout, hoping it can’t be true. “He is, I’m so sorry.” Mom says in a quiet voice, showing me an online article on her laptop. It was true. I look around in a daze, everything goes black.
~
I find myself in my bed, Zarah in her bassinet next to me. It’s 11:15, according to the neon letters of the little alarm clock. I pick up Zarah and hold her. I know Brian is dead, but it’s like it hasn’t fully hit me yet, then after a few minutes, I begin to hysterically cry.
That was the hardest night of my life. “You’re I have left, honey. I love you so much, Zarah.” I whisper, cuddling her. I felt like she knew something was up, even being just a week old. “Daddy’s gone, sweetie. But he loved us very much. You would have loved him.” I tell her. Without Zarah, I don’t know what I would have done.
Finally, the faint light of a coming sun is revealed through the darkness when I open the window and curtains. The baby whimpers, and I take her with me through the window to sit outside on the porch. The middle of nowhere is depressing enough but the love of my life just died and I have no one to talk to. There is nobody here for me. I have his daughter, and it is my responsibility to take care of her.
The sun bleeds red over the sandy horizon. I sit with my baby and just cry. “Brian, why? Why did you have to go?” I question to the red sky. “I love you so much, so much! I wish you could be here.” I tell the heavens. I didn’t even go to his funeral, nobody even told me he was dead until he was already buried.
Three agonizing weeks pass. I am so exhausted from sleepless nights and being a single mother to a newborn. I love Zarah very much, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night anyway because ever since I found out about Brian’s death, I haven’t slept for more than a 15 minute stretch. The emotional pain is taking such a toll on my body that I can no longer produce enough milk to feed Zarah. If it wasn’t for that little girl, I think I would have killed myself to be with my husband.
I sit at the kitchen sink giving my daughter a bath. She looks so much like Brian. She’s beautiful. “I love you, I love you, mommy’s little girl!” I coo. She sits in her little baby tub near the sink. I bathe her, then dry her off, still cooing at her. “What would you like to wear, a mickey mouse suit?” I ask, holding it up like she will respond. Her mismatched eyes widen. “Daddy liked Mickey too. He used to wear the mouse ears just like those!” I say when she is dressed. After preparing a new bottle, I sit with baby Zarah and rock her in the rocking chair. She finished a lot of her formula and is asleep.
A family reunion was held the next day. “The cousins are coming!” Mom exclaims. “Yeah.” I dryly answer. “If anyone asks, that baby is your sister and you were never married.” Dad tells me. “K.”
Lunch with the cousins was eventful as usual. “Hey, Sow, can I see your ipod? I’d like to text a friend off of it.” I ask. “Sure, Violet.” I punch in Brian’s number and text ‘Hey honey. It’s Violet. Zarah is thriving, I’m pulling through. We miss you, so very much and I can’t wait to be with you again. Rest in Peace, baby. We love you.’ “Here, Sow, you can have this back now.” I tell him.
The day passes slowly and everyone leaves a little before 9 that night. I had gone to take a nap with Zarah on the bed. I love her more than anything else in the world, but when I woke up, she was gone. Whispering was prevalent from my room where I sit. “Zarah?” I ask. I put my ear to the door and listen. “You can keep the baby, just don’t let Violet know.” Dad said. I walk out to the hall where my father stands in the hallway. “I got to go!” He said to the person on the other end, almost frantically. “You gave away my baby, didn’y you? You gave away my little girl! The only thing I have left of Brian and you stole her away!” I shout. “You aren’t fit to be a parent! You are only 17!” Dad shouts. “That was my baby, I loved her and I’ve been doing just fine! You just don’t want to face it because you’re OLD!” He slaps me across the face and leaves the room.
I collapse to the ground, curl up into fetal position and cry. My husband and my only child gone! I angrily strut to the kitchen. Soon the anger turns to raw pain, even more on top of the hurt from my husband dying. I notice Cousin Sow’s Ipod on the counter. “Looks like Cousin Sow left his ipod here.” I whisper to myself. I climb into the cabinet and pull out a bottle of Scotch and a shot glass, bring them both to the dining table and sit down. After eyeing the shot glass, I toss it to the side and just chug from the Scotch bottle. “Brian.” “Zarah.” This seemed to be the only thing that helped. The only time I could sleep or get any sort of relief: When I’m drunk and passed out. I did it once last week, but now that my daughter is gone, I don’t have anything to lose. After a few minutes, my face heats up and the alcohol courses through my bloodstream. I sob and throw my head down on the table. “Why did you have to leave? Why? I love you, your daughter loves you. But now, they took her away, too. I love you both so much!” I cry. A hand puts itself on my shoulder. I stop crying long enough to look. “I’m right here, princess.” “Brian, this can’t be. Where’s Zarah? I thought you were… dead?” He hugs me. “I was, but I’m here now, princess.