Awkward

Alex was woken up in the middle of the night at the end of May, by loud banging on the dorm door. For fuck’s sake. He was barely sleeping as it is because of the month that he and Zack had been apart. He didn’t need the little sleep he was getting to be interrupted by loud banging. Loud constant banging. Really loud constant annoying banging. Who the hell was it? Alex heard Matt walk out of his room and the door opening, but he couldn’t hear anything more than mumbling.

“Fuck off, haven’t you done enough damage?” Matt shouted.

Ouch Matt.

Alex frowned when he didn’t hear the door shut, just more mumbled talking. What the hell was going on? With a sigh, Alex heaved himself out of bed and walked out his dorm, seeing Sierra walking out as well.

Oh wow.

Alex inhaled sharply when he saw Zack leaning against the door frame. Inhaled sharply when he saw how drunk Zack was. Fuck. Why hasn’t Zack learnt by now?!

“Lex!”

Shit. Zack’s seen him.

“L-Lex you have to listen to me!” Zack insisted.

“No he doesn’t,” Matt says angrily, putting his arm across the door so Zack can’t get past.

As soon as Zack’s face crumpled in hurt, Alex felt himself started crying again. Fuck, Zack looks so broken. Sierra put her arm around Alex to comfort him when she noticed, but it didn’t help. If anything, it made him feel worse.

“Lex, please, I…”

Zack paused, his face paling slightly. Fuck. He’s going to throw up. Without thinking, Alex dodged past Matt and grabbed Zack’s hand, pulling him into the bathroom just in time for Zack to hunch over and throw up into the toilet. Oh wow. That’s disgusting. And he’s not stopping. Damn it Zack!

Alex forced himself to look away from Zack’s hunched figure, noticing that Matt was on the phone. Who is he hissing at? He sounds pissed. Alex supposed he should be too, but he was just so damn tired. Of all of this.

Then Sierra appeared in the doorway, blocking his view.

“Here, he’ll need this,” Sierra sighed, handing over a bottle of water.

Alex just nodded his thanks.

“Who’s Matt talking to?” he asked quietly.

“Matt’s calling Rian and Jack to take Zack back to his dorm,” Sierra shrugged.

What?

“Noooo,” Zack groaned, shaking his head.

Alex sighed as Zack made grabby hands for him, and batted them away.

“Ssh, just get it all out,” Alex muttered.

Zack groaned again but turned back to the toilet. For fuck’s sake. Damn it Zack.

“I don’t think he’s in a fit state to go back, Sierra,” Alex said softly.

“You want him here?” She frowned.

Did he really have a choice right now?

“I’m just tired of everything. I think we need to talk it out once and for all,” Alex said, hand instinctively moving to rub Zack’s back as the burly boy started retching again.

She sighed but stood up. What? Was it something he said? Alex watched her walk up to Matt, his jaw dropping slightly as she took his phone and ended the call. Oh. Oh wow.

“What the fuck?!” Matt spluttered.

“This is Alex’s choice, not yours,” she said simply.

“B-But...”

“No, Alex’s choice,” Sierra interrupted, “Come back to bed. I won’t ask you twice,”

And with that, she walked back into Matt’s room. Matt opened and closed his mouth a few times before following her, leaving Alex alone with Zack. Well that was a small victory. Maybe.

“I’m so sorry,” Zack mumbled.

Oh. He was done?

“Rinse your mouth out,” Alex said, ignoring Zack’s words.

Zack frowned as Alex passed him a bottle of mouthwash, but took a swig as asked, gargling it for a few seconds before spitting it in the toilet. Alex nodded his approval, pressing the flush to get rid of all the evidence. Hopefully the smell would be gone by morning.

“I didn’t mean to say those things, I swear. It was an accident,” Zack blurted, “I would never hurt you on purpose, I swear,”

Were they really going to do this now? Alex supposed he did say he wanted to talk to Zack to Sierra. This was what normal couples did, right? They talked things through? Then again, were Alex and Zack even a couple anymore?

“Then why did you say them? You said it in front of everyone, humiliated me in front of everyone, and exposed my insecurities. Why?” Alex said, angrier than he intended.

Oh well, Zack should know how he felt.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m so sorry,”

Within seconds, Zack was sobbing, heart-wrenching, gut-ripping sobs that only served to break Alex’s heart a little more. What the fuck was he meant to do now? He just let Zack sob against his chest, holding him as tightly as he could allow himself.

“Please don’t kick me out,” Zack whimpered, when his weeping had quietened.

Alex sighed and helped Zack sit on top of the now-closed toilet.

“Here. Drink this,” Alex said softly, passing him the bottle of water.

Zack looked at it with watery eyes, hands shaking as he unscrewed the cap. When Zack had drunk half of it, Alex put his hand out to stop him. He didn’t want Zack being sick again.

“Come on. You can sleep here tonight, sober up,” Alex muttered.

Zack nodded, clinging to Alex as he helped him stand up, the two of them shakily walking down to Alex’s room. Zack whimpered as Alex pushed him gently down onto the bed, Alex just staying silent as he pulled Zack’s shoes off. He wasn’t undressing Zack. Zack wasn’t going to sleep in his bed with any less clothing on. Alex just couldn’t. Zack made grabby hands for him again as he pulled the cover over him, only managing to grab Alex’s wrist when Alex moved to step away.

“Please, don’t leave? We can share the bed, I won’t do anything,” Zack slurred.

Alex bit his bottom lip, clenching his hands to stop them shaking. Could he really do this? Could he lie next to Zack again without his anxiety playing up?

“I need you,”

Well, fuck. Alex took a deep breath, not exhaling again until he was under his duvet, back facing Zack. He couldn’t look at him. If he couldn’t see him, then maybe he could pretend he wasn’t there.

*

It was a fitful night for Alex, short bursts of sleep, brain not letting him switch off properly. How could he? He had Zack passed out next to him. Alex had to keep pushing him back into the recovery position, so he wouldn’t choke if he vomited again.

But when Alex woke up properly the next morning, it was to the sound of someone crying. Zack crying, into the back of his neck.

“Hey, hey, why are you crying?” Alex murmured, rolling over to face him.

“Because I fuck up everything good in my life,” Zack choked.

Alex didn’t really know what to say to that.

“You were best relationship I ever had, the only person that’s made me want to be better and I fucked us up majorly. I don’t know what to do,”

“You can stop crying,” Alex muttered.

It was too early for this.

“I’m so sorry Alex,” Zack insisted, trying to dry his cheeks with his hands.

“Zack, please don’t start this again,” Alex groaned.

“But I mean it! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Zack said.

Something inside Alex snapped, making him throw Zack’s arms off him as he got out of his bed.

“Well guess what Zack, you did hurt me!” Alex spat, “You hurt me and you broke my heart, just when I was starting to fall in love with you!”

Fuck.

Alex inhaled sharply when those words left his lips, Zack’s eyes going wide.

“You love me?” Zack murmured, sitting upright.

“I can’t trust you,” Alex corrected, hands starting to shake slightly.

“But…”

“No, Zack. I can’t trust you,” Alex repeated.

Alex swallowed heavily, knowing his next words weren’t going to be pleasant but still needed to be said.

“You need help, Zack. Serious help for your drinking,” Alex said, looking Zack straight in the eyes.

Zack opened his mouth and then closed it again, hurt evident across his face. Alex felt a flash of guilt, but didn’t stop. Couldn’t stop.

“I’m not saying stop drinking altogether, but you need to learn when your limit is. Most of our problems happened because of your excessive drinking, especially this one. I can’t…I can’t ever be with you when you’re like this,” Alex said softly.

Zack needed to know the truth, as much as it hurt Alex to say it.

“Ever?” Zack repeated.

Ever. Alex shook his head, only making Zack look sadder.

“I want to be with you, Alex. I’m falling in love with you too,” Zack whimpered.

Tears sprang to Alex’s eyes and he shook his head again. This wasn’t fair. To stop himself from whimpering, Alex sat back down on the bed, Zack immediately moving to hold his hands, as if it would stop Alex leaving him.

“I need time, and you need help. I think a long break would help us,” Alex choked, “It might help us get back to being friends,”

Friends? Alex didn’t even know if he could do ‘friends’ right now.

“And if I stop drinking you’ll come back to me as more than friends?” Zack asked hopefully.

Was it wrong to give him a little hope?

“I’ll think about it,” Alex managed to say.

Zack’s face fell slightly but he nodded. That was all Alex could give him right now, not a definite answer.

“Can I have one last kiss?” Zack blurted.

“W-What?”

“Please? I-If I can’t be with you over the summer, I’d like something good to remember,” Zack added.

The heartbroken look in Zack’s eyes was the only thing that made Alex nod. Zack smiled gratefully, one hand rising to cup Alex’s face. Alex swallowed nervously at the intensity in Zack’s eyes, but closed his own as Zack pressed their lips together gently. The kiss was slow, soft, unassuming, and made Alex’s skin tingle all over with electricity. Wow. This is one hell of a last kiss.

After a while, Zack pulled backwards with a sad smile on his lips, breaking the innocent embrace. Alex wanted to protest as Zack’s hands fell limply from Alex’s face but didn’t dare let himself. He needed to let Zack go now, at least for the summer.

“I’m going to miss you, Alex,” Zack said softly.

Fuck. Alex felt tears sting at his eyes again so he blinked them away.

“Take care of yourself, please?” Alex asked.

Zack nodded and got out of Alex’s bed. It was all Alex could do to watch him put his shoes on and walk out, not realising how much his breath was rasping and how much his hands were shaking until he heard the dorm door close.

This was for the best, right? It had to be.

Because Alex didn’t know how he was going to cope otherwise.