Brightest Star

There’s only one thing I want to do before I die. And that’s fall in love.

As Brian Haner sat in the waiting room of Huntington Beach Hospital, waiting to be called in to see his consultant, he hummed the tune of his favourite song in his head in an effort to calm himself. He wiped his palms down the length of his jeans to try and stop them sweating so much. He was nervous about today; this news could ultimately be the making of him. If he got the right result, it meant he could do all the things he wanted to do with his life, see the world. It meant he could maybe fall in love one day. That was all he really wanted, someone to love him as much as he loved them. He was a hopeless romantic at heart, wanting to find that special person to spend the rest of his life with. Grow old together, raise their kids and grand kids. He wanted to find his other half.

He looked up as his name was called, easing himself out of the uncomfortable little plastic chair and made his way over to the room his doctor had called him into. He hated hospitals, the smell of disinfectant instantly making his nose wrinkle. He followed the doctor into the room and took a seat in another uncomfortable chair. “Hey Doc, how’s tricks?”

“Good. Thanks for asking.” His doctor seated himself in the chair behind his desk and leant forward, resting his chin in his hands. “I won’t beat around the bush here, it isn’t good news I’m afraid.”

Brian could feel his heart plummeting into his stomach at the doctor’s words. He shifted in his chair, taking in a deep breath and brought himself up to his full height, straightening his back. “Just give it to me straight Doc.”

The doctor looked at the man sat in front of him. He was in the prime of his life. Should have been living his life to the fullest and not having a care in the world, instead he was sat in his consultancy suite, waiting with bated breath to know whether he would, in effect, live or die. “Unfortunately, the cancer has spread into your lymph nodes. It seems the last round of chemotherapy only touched a small part of the tumour. Thus letting it grow even bigger.”

Brian paled at the doctor’s words. More chemotherapy. He hated the chemo the worst, it made him feel awful. Constantly throwing up and no energy whatsoever. He had managed to keep his hair though; he supposed he should be grateful for small mercies. He could have kicked himself for not getting checked out sooner. He had found a small lump in one of his testicles six months ago and, being a normal guy about it, left it alone. Thinking it would just go away. But it hadn’t. It had gotten bigger and bigger until one day, waking up feeling like shit; he decided to get it checked out. Testicular cancer had been the prognosis. Stage four. The most advanced and aggressive stage.

The doctor’s words brought him out if his little bout of self-loathing. “We do have options though. Although I would have liked to operate, I don’t recommend it given the severity of your heart condition so I’ve booked you in for a six week stay for you to have another round of treatment. We’ll scan you half way through to see how it’s going, and if need be, book you in for some radiotherapy, as a last resort.” Doctor Peters tried to offer some words of comfort to his young patient. “I’m feeling positive about this Brian.”

Brian got up and thanked the doctor, making his way over to reception to confirm everything with her and find out when he was due to be admitted. The receptionist gave him a pile of forms to fill in and told him it would be within the week that he would get the phone call to come in. Having completed all the paperwork, he left the hospital in a daze, not knowing where he was going or what he was going to do next. The Californian sun warmed his face as he made his way to the parking lot, pulling the slightly crumpled pack of Marlborough out of his back pocket. He knew he should give up the smokes; they didn’t exactly help the heart condition he had been plagued with since birth. He just needed something to calm his nerves, and seeing how it was still early, he couldn’t go and get a drink. So the nicotine would have to do.

He didn’t want to go straight home, knew his family and friends would be waiting anxiously for his news. Brian didn’t want to see the look on his mother’s face when he told them all the last lot of chemotherapy had failed. He didn’t want to see the tears in her eyes as she thought the worst. So he went to the one place he would find a little bit of comfort. He went to the park.

Sitting down on the bench he looked out over the pale blue sky, the lush green trees, the sun shining down onto the little pond, the rippling effects of the water as the soft breeze passed over it. He breathed in a lung full of fresh air and leaned back into the bench, his legs crossing at the ankles as he relaxed and forgot about everything for a few minutes.

As he sat back and enjoyed the peace and quiet, letting the warm sunshine sooth him, he felt a presence next to him. Turning his head slightly he cracked one eye open to see a woman sat next to him, trying desperately to light her cigarette. She had shoulder length brown hair that curled up at the end slightly, almost shielding her face from view. He sat up and fished around in his pocket for his zippo, handing it to her when he found the silver object. “Here, use mine.”

The woman looked up, slightly startled by his voice. She had to look twice at how gorgeous he was. His dark brown, almost black, hair was spiked up in all different directions. She chuckled softly as she thought of a hedgehog having the same look. She saw the most amazing chocolate brown eyes, his long lashes curling up as he blinked in the sun light. She thought she could quite possibly cut herself on his cheekbones how chiselled they were. She let her eyes run down his profile, noticing the colourful tattoos that adorned his skin, the well-defined muscles she could see peeking out of his t-shirt. She bit her lip and met his gaze as he held out the lighter for her, feeling their fingers brush against each other as she accepted the object off him. “Thanks.”

She passed it back to him and took a long pull of her cigarette, exhaling the smoke along with a deep sigh. Brian chuckled slightly. “Things can’t be that bad, surely?”

She tucked a lock of her brown hair behind her ear and swivelled her body round to face him head on. “You don’t want to know my problems, trust me.”

“Try me,” he shrugged, taking his own cigarette out of his packet and lighting it.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she giggled softly, taking another hit of nicotine before spilling her guts to the dark haired stranger sat before her. “My husband’s just left me for a younger model, my car has decided to pack up and I’ve just been told the cancer I had thought was gone is now back and in a different place, so I need more chemo. Six weeks of it.”

Brian chuckled and shook his head sadly. “Well, your husband is a jerk for leaving someone as beautiful as you. Sucks about your car, I could give you a lift if you need it?” He pointed over his shoulder to the parking lot. “And I’m in the same boat as you with regards to the cancer. I just got told the same thing as you basically. Mine’s spread to some kind of gland in my stomach and I need more chemo. Six weeks, just like you.”

The woman looked down at her feet, laughing humourlessly. “Wow, we really got handed the short straw huh? I’m Jen,” she chuckled, holding out her hand in front of her.

Brian took her hand and shook it softly, letting his thumb glide over the cool skin. “We sure did. I’m Brian, nice to meet you.”

Jen looked down at the stark contrast his tanned skin held to her pale hand. “So, when does your treatment start? And shouldn’t you be at home with your family?”

“What’s with the questions?” He chuckled softly. “I start next week, just did a load of paperwork for it. And, I should be, but I needed some time to myself before I go home.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Jen nodded. “Mine starts next week too, hey maybe we’ll be on the same ward so I can quiz you some more,” she teased.

“That sounds like so much fun!” Brian snorted.

Jen rolled her eyes and gave him a playful smack on the arm. “Okay, I’ll make you a deal. If you go home and face the music, I’ll allow you to give me a ride home.”

“Okay, you got yourself a deal.” They shook hands and nodded at each other, making their way towards the parking lot. Brian felt ten times better than he had done earlier that morning and he could only credit Jen for that. She made him see the positive in his situation, made him stop wallowing in self-pity. He laughed along with her as she made a joke about the receptionist at the hospital, thinking to himself she was like a breath of fresh air. He’d known her no longer than an hour, but in that hour she had managed to stir something inside of him. He smiled as she animatedly talked about her favourite kind of music, the passion in her eyes something he could relate to.

They pulled up outside her apartment and he gave her his number on impulse, not wanting their conversation to end. She thanked him for the lift and promised to call him within the next few days, placing a soft kiss against his cheek before she got out of the car and waved him off. He had a silly grin on his face and he was buzzing with excitement by the time he got home, pulling in next to his father’s ridiculous sporty number. He chuckled to himself as he remembered the day he brought it home, his mom rolling her eyes as his mid-life crisis got out of control. His family took his news better than he could have hoped for; even his mom didn’t break out into hysterical crying like he thought she may have. Instead they all grouped around him and hugged him, all offering words of encouragement.

The next week flew by as Brian made preparations for when he was in hospital. He was a guitar teacher for the local school and had spent most of the week phoning around local agencies trying to find a suitable replacement. He had gotten to the last phone number on his list when his Dad had stepped in and promised to cover his classes. Brian senior was the reason he loved guitar so much, having been brought up on old school rock and roll he naturally progressed to the instrument. Brian felt a weight lift off his shoulders, knowing his class would be in very capable hands. Jen had texted him a few times over the course of the week, sharing her love of rude jokes and music with him. They had spent many a night staying up into the small hours, laughing over the phone at each other’s pathetic jokes and reminiscing the good old days of music.

The day he was to be admitted into hospital came all too quickly for him, his nerves shot to pieces. He had packed a small case the night before, making sure to throw in all the CD’s that he knew Jen would love. She had informed him that she had contacted the hospital and requested that she be placed into the same room as him, making up some incredible story about Brian being her spiritual guidance. He had laughed his head off when she had shared it with him in one of their many conversations.

Now he found himself standing at the hospital entrance, his dad by his side placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. His mom had wanted to come too, but he knew she would be too much for him. He felt sick with nerves as they made their way down to reception, having to get the attention of one of the security guards as it was so early in the morning. They were led to the ward he would call home for the next six weeks and as he started to unpack his case he saw Jen making her way down the corridor towards him. His dad made to leave, letting him know he and his mom would be back in a day or two so he had time to settle in. They hugged briefly and Brian senior sloped out of the room, offering Jen a warm smile as he passed her.

She put her case down onto the bed next to Brian’s and flopped down onto the itchy material they used for bed spreads. “Who was that hunk?” She teased, picking up the CD’s that Brian had taken out of his case.

Brian rolled his eyes at her playfully and gave her a dead panned look. “That was my dad.”

Jen opened her mouth to give him a playful retort when the doctor that would be overseeing their treatment for the next month and a half walked in with a nurse by his side, checking over the clipboard in his hand. He informed them both that they would be starting their treatment that afternoon and told them to get some rest. Jen waited for the doctor to leave before she hopped over to Brian’s bed and snuggled up next to him, placing her head in his shoulder as she looked at the magazine in his hands. Brian froze for a second before he let his arm drape around her slight frame, knowing that they both needed some form of comfort for what lay ahead of them.

Their first round of chemo came and went and they were both back in their beds, their arms linked to their own drip that sat in between them. Brian shuffled over and turned onto his side to see Jen staring at him, a slight frown on her face. “What’s up buttercup?”

Jen looked down at the ground, sniffling slightly, her usual bubbly demeanour vanishing. “Is it always going to be like this?”

Brian sat himself up and motioned for her to come over to his bed. “Come here.” Jen got out of bed and pulled her night shirt down before pulling the stand that the drip was attached to over with her as she climbed into Brian’s bed and into his warm embrace. He wrapped his arms around her and ran his hand over her hair as she quietly cried into his shoulder. “Hey, hey come on, no more tears,” he cooed, lifting her face up to his eye level and brushing away her tears with the pad of his thumb. “We WILL beat this. Together.”

Jen looked into his chocolate brown eyes, feeling his warms hands on either side of her face. “You really think that?”

Brian smoothed his fingertips over her soft pale skin and nodded a determination in his eyes. “I do. I really do.”

Jen sighed softly and shook her head. “I wish I had your faith.”

“Where’s that fiery, determined girl I met a week ago huh?” He chuckled.

“She got swallowed up in all this sickness and treatment and ughh,” she sighed. Brian placed her head back against his chest and enveloped her in a warm hug, placing a soft kiss against her forehead. They stayed like that until the sun rose, Jen slipping back to her bed before the nurses came to do their rounds.

The next four weeks flew by in a flurry of treatment and scans, visitors and tests, both of them getting weaker by the day. The doctor had just finished checking them over and had instructed a nurse to book them in for a final scan when Jen announced that there would be no more sadness in their room. She shuffled to her feet, taking the drip with her and opened up the curtains to the only window they had and breathed in the fresh air that came through the slight crack in the glass. She looked back at Brian and he couldn’t help but smile when he saw the huge grin that adorned her face, lighting up her eyes, the kind of smile that would brighten up anyone’s day.

They wiled away the hours they had to wait for their scan by sharing jokes and talking about their love of rock and roll. They were both led on Brian’s bed, looking into each other’s eyes as Jen shared a particularly vulgar joke with him. His head rolled back into his pillow as he experienced a full on belly laugh, tears rolling down his cheeks at the thought that something so disgusting could come out of someone so beautiful. He did indeed think she was the most beautiful person he had ever met. Late at night with Jen sleeping soundly in his bed, he would let his thoughts wander to the impossible girl that lay beside him. They had shared the same bed since that first night, him comforting her in her hour of need. He felt as if his heart would burst every time he looked at her, the warmth and togetherness she made him feel was like nothing he had ever experienced. He was slowly starting to believe that she was his other half, the missing piece he had been looking for his whole life. Maybe she would be the person to complete him.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by their nurse announcing it was time for their last scan. Jen slipped out of his bed and gathered her things before being escorted down to the X-ray suite. She squeezed his hand in hers and whispered good luck to him before she placed a chaste kiss against his lips that left him reeling. He sat back against his pillows in a state of shock as his own nurse came in and prepared him. He didn’t think she felt the way he felt, the self-doubt that consumed him telling him she only wanted his friendship. He walked down to the X-ray suite in a daze as the nurse beside him told him everything that was going to happen. He didn’t register what she was saying, just nodded at her as he took his place on the bed.

The scan was over in a mere minutes and he made his way back to his and Jen’s room, his thoughts still consumed by the brown haired beauty. The doctor that performed the scan told him the results would be fast tracked and they would be informed that same night of the outcome. Jen was already back in her bed by the time he got back and he cocked his head, motioning for her to join him as he slipped between the starch white sheets. She smiled and jumped out of bed, bounding over to him. It was though he gave her a new lease of life, his smile enough to energize her for the whole day. They stayed silent as they contemplated what lay ahead of them, each in their own little world as they thought about what might happen. Brian leant down and placed his finger underneath her chin for her to look at him, silently communicating his feelings for her through his eyes. “Whatever happens tonight, just know I’ll always be here for you.”

She looked into his eyes, shining with love and reciprocated. “As I you.”

The hours passed by slowly as they awaited their fate, the results that could make or break their future. The doctor walked in with two sets of papers in his hands and went to Jen’s bed first, pulling the curtain around him as he made his way over to her. A few minutes had passed when he heard Jen laugh and cry at the same time, breathing a little easier that she had got good news. The curtain opened and he saw Jen smiling at him, her eyes bright with happiness. He smiled back at her as the doctor pulled the curtain around his own bed. As he looked at the doctor’s bleak expression his smile faltered, a lump forming in his throat. “That bad huh?” he chuckled, despite himself.

The doctor sat at the end of his bed and opened up the paper, spreading it across the baby blue blanket. “It seems the tumour in your lymph nodes has gotten bigger and is spreading. We will keep you in for another six weeks of radiotherapy and move you up to ICU at the end of the week. You are at greater risk of infection now more than ever Mr Haner. Please, try to get some rest.” The doctor pulled the curtain back to reveal Jen stood just outside, a worried look tainting her delicate features having heard what the doctor had told him. The doctor nodded at Brian and turned on his heel, leaving the ward.

Jen put her hand against her mouth and gasped as Brian started to fall apart, tears escaping down his cheeks. She went to him and wrapped him up in a tight hug as he started to sob, feeling as if his whole world had come crashing down on top of him. He felt like everything was against him as he cried into her shirt, wondering why he always got the bad luck. He was a good person for the most part, always there to lend a hand or help if any of his friends needed him. Where were they now? It was like he had dropped off the planet as far as they were concerned. They made the excuse that they didn’t know what to say to him, or do for him but he knew deep down that they didn’t want to be saddled with a sick friend. Jen was the only constant in his life.

She sat with him for hours and held him, whispering words of encouragement in his ear. Brian sat up straight and held his shoulders back, scrubbing his face clean. “If my time is up, then so be it, but I need to tell you something first.”

Jen smoothed his hair back and shushed him. “Don’t talk like that, you will get better.”

“No, this needs to be said before I chicken out again. Jenifer Gooding, you are the most amazing person I have ever met. You’re beautiful and kind and funny, outrageous and downright crazy.” He chuckled “But you complete me. I’ve never experienced feelings like these before. I…”

Jen leant forward so their foreheads were touching and looked into his beautiful eyes. “I love you too Brian Haner, with all of my little black heart.”

Brian placed his hand at the back of her head and brought his lips down on hers, feeling giddy with love as their mouths danced together with perfect timing. He gently pulled them down onto his bed and fused their mouths together once more as he laid them both down side by side. Jen pulled her night shirt up and over her head before hitching her leg up and wrapping it around his waist. “Make love to me Bri,” she whispered, pulling his shirt off him.

Brian obliged and helped her remove the fabric from his body, the feeling of skin on skin contact instantly settling his nerves. He slipped a hand between them and brushed his fingertips over her soft flesh, his breath hitching in his throat at the soft moan that fell from her lips. He guided himself into her and wrapped his arms around her as he pushed himself in, connecting their lips once more, ghosting his fingers down her spine and letting his hand come to rest against her thigh. She let her fingers run through his hair as his hips thrusted into her in a gentle motion, and deepened their kiss, letting his tongue explore her mouth. They stayed that way as they made love to each other in the dim light of the hospital ward, joined together in every way possible.

The next few days were of the same variety, making love and sharing jokes while they listened to their favourite rock bands on Brian’s music player. They would make plans for their future and laugh as Jen made fun of the nurse from the ward next to theirs, doing a perfect impression of the old battle-axe. They would continue to laugh until one of them remembered that they would be split apart soon, Jen going home and Brian going up to ICU. She could tell he was getting weaker; he had caught a nasty cough too. She tried not to think of what might happen at the end of the week and instead enjoyed their time together, for however long it lasted.

It was on the last morning that she noticed something was very wrong. She awoke to find Brian slumped beside her, his face pale and his skin almost grey. He was wheezing as he tried to breathe, coughing up something awful when she alerted the nurse that was on call. They all whizzed around as she sat back on her bed, her knees drawn to her chest as she watched them performing all kinds of tests on him.

He had contracted pneumonia; his chances of survival slim due to his non-existent immune system. She sat next to him, his hand in hers as she watched his family and friends all around him, fussing over him. He had had a breathing tube placed into his mouth to help him breathe easier, lots of scary looking tubes criss crossed over his body as he turned to look at her. She looked down at him, tears in her eyes as she saw him smile at her, squeezing her hand.

It was later that night that they finally got to be alone, his family and friends all waiting in the family room next door anxiously. He had been moved over to ICU, into his own room as Jen perched at the end of his bed, a protective gown and a mask stopping her from giving him any kind of infection. The doctors had been uneasy to let her stay, but Brian had protested he needed her there with him.

He could feel himself slipping away each second that passed and he needed to give her one last message. He moved the oxygen mask from his face and motioned for her to come closer to him. She tried to stop him, but he gripped her hand as much as he could and pulled her towards his face. His voice was soft, no more than a whisper as he smoothed his hand over her face. “I don’t have much time left, so I need to say this now,” his brow furrowing as he coughed. “There was only one thing I wanted to do before I died and that was fall in love, you’ve given me that and so much more. Jen, you’ve made me feel like the happiest guy in the world these last few weeks. I love you so much.” He held up his hand as she tried to speak, “please, let me finish.” She nodded her head for him to continue, tears falling down her cheeks. “Whenever you feel sad, I want you to look up into the night sky and I’ll be there, the brightest star shining down on you, I’ll be right by your side always.”

Jen moved her own mask down and kissed him, filling it with all the passion and love she could muster before pulling back to look into his eyes. “I’ll never forget you Brian Haner, never,” she whispered. Shuffling up beside him, she held him in her arms, whispering words of love and comfort to him as she wiped away his tears.

A few hours later he passed away, in the warmth of his only love’s arms.

The funeral had passed by in a blur of friends and family offering her words of comfort and solace. Jen felt like an outsider as Brian’s family came together to grieve. She made her way outside and went to his gravestone, finding peace there. She lowered herself to the ground and placed her hand against the cold stone, letting her head rest against her hand.

A few moments later she felt a presence behind her and turned to see Brian’s father stood before her. He crouched down and laced his hand on hers, squeezing it in comfort. She looked up into the face that looked so much like Brian’s and let the tears flow. “It hurts so much.”

Brian senior sat down beside her and took her hand in his, stroking his thumb across her skin just like his son had done. “My darling, it hurts because it mattered,” he whispered his voice croaky with unshed tears. He placed his palm against his heart and looked up at her. “Brian will always be in here. Always.” He pulled her into his arms, stroking the top of her head. “If you ever need anything, and I mean anything, you know where we are. You’re part of my family now. You gave my son his dying wish and for that I will be eternally grateful to you.”

A few days later, Jen was sat in the middle of her new apartment, surrounded by boxes and bags. As she was unpacking a rather large box she came across a Metallica CD and broke down, Brian’s face filling her vision. She picked up the candle holder that was lying in the box and threw it against the wall, sending pieces flying everywhere as she sobbed. She curled up into a little ball in the middle of the room and cried and cried, wailing at how unfair it all was.

She woke up a few hours later, her eyes red raw from crying. Swiping a hand against her nose, she wiped away the moisture and snot as she got up and went to the balcony. She opened the French doors to see a brilliant night. As she looked out into the clear night sky, she saw a star that shone brightly, the brightest she had ever seen and she thought of him, fresh tears trickling down her cheeks.

Stood right beside her, as he promised, was Brian. His eyes full of love, not sadness. For it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.