Where the Wind Takes Us

“Nat Fader,” a familiar voice drawls in front of me. “It’s been too long.”

After tossing and turning the previous night on what to do about Josh’s part of the folio, I decide to bite the bullet and come over to his place. I’m hoping that me coming over gives us a chance to clear the air and possibly get to the place we were just after we kissed, so I can effectively work on how the fuck I’m going to draw him for my portfolio. I still have no idea how I want to draw him, but I’m hoping that by me being here, the idea will come to me and I’ll be able to figure it out.

“Hi Andrew,” I say politely. I don’t mind talking to him or Josh’s other brother, Max, but the person I came here to see is Josh, not anyone else. “Is Josh home?”

He nods and opens the door to let me in. “He’s in his room. Don’t worry, the ‘rents aren’t home so if you guys need to release all that sexual tension you have, you can do so as you wish. My room is off limits. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.”

I can’t help but giggle. “I’ll keep that in mind,” I say dryly. It’s evident that Josh hasn’t told his brothers about what happened over the weekend. I’m grateful for this, though, because I’m not sure if Andrew would have let me in otherwise.

I make my way to Josh’s bedroom, only to find that the door is open. He’s lying on his bed, listening to music. I knock on his door. He looks up and sees me in the doorway.

“Hi,” I say softly, a sudden wave of shyness coming over me. “Can I come in?”

Josh nods, and I step into his room. There’s silence between us until I blurt out what I came here for. “You’re in my folio. My Studio Art folio. You’re in it. I’m doing portraits of people that are important to me and you’re important to me, so…yeah. Can I draw you?”

Josh nods again. “Can I study while you draw me?”

I beam; because I’m happy he’s said yes and not shut me out. “Yeah! That’s fine.”

He gestures to his bed for me to sit down on, so I can set up my sketchbook and get to work. I end up sitting on the ground, leaning against the bed. Josh sits opposite me – more far away than I’d like but I’ll take what I can get. He’s reading over some notes in his book, as though he’s making sure to avoid eye contact with me.

My heart hurts.

“I have no idea how I’m going to draw you,” I confess to him. “I’m hoping that once I start drawing, it’ll come to me.”

“You better make a move on then,” Josh says, not even bothering to glance up from his notes. My face burns up in embarrassment.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I say hastily. “I guess I should.”

I look at my sketchbook, tears threatening to well in my eyes but I blink them away before I get the chance. I connect pencil to paper, and suddenly, my hand is flying. I feel a pair of eyes on me, but once I look up, Josh’s eyes immediately cast down. Pushing the wave of emotions threatening to come to the surface aside, I focus solely on the artistic feels and let my fingers do the work.



It’s been an hour and though I have more of an idea of how I’m going to draw Josh, I decide not to tell him that I could leave now if I wanted. I’ve decided to not draw him with an idea in mind (since I had no idea in the first place) and explain through my summary that because I’ve chosen to free ball his drawing, I’ve allowed my mind to open up and go outside my usual creative boundaries, sort to speak.

“How’s it going?” Josh asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I look up to see him actually looking back at me. Even though his eyes show no emotion, it’s nice to actually have some eye contact. “Good,” I tell him truthfully. “I let my mind do its thing and I’m pretty sure yours is gonna look the best in the whole folio. Besides mine, of course.”

Josh chuckles. I can feel myself smiling, hope rising up in my chest.

“Josh –”

“Nat –”

“You go first,” I tell him. I was about to ask him why he was mad at me, but I’m hoping Josh can tell me so I don’t have to ask him first.

“I saw you kiss Mick,” is what comes out of his mouth and I’m still confused until he continues on. “At Movie World. On the cheek. I saw the way you were talking to him.” He chuckles, but there’s no emotion in it. “I’ve been an idiot, thinking you were actually into me but no, you’re still into Mick, aren’t you?”

My mouth drops and I’m about to tell him that that’s not the case, but the words get stuck in my throat and I can’t seem to get them out. Josh continues. “Please don’t lie to me Nat. It’s okay if you still like him, but don’t kiss me and make me think that I’m the only guy when I’m not.”

All I can do is stare at Josh, eyes wide open and mouth now closed but with a million thoughts running through my mind, the main one being what the actual fuck? Yes I had a crush on Mick, well, I loved him at one point.

But not anymore. Those feelings have changed. Those feelings have disappeared. And though those feelings have gone, I can’t seem to open my mouth to tell him. I feel like there’s a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow and I’m freaking out. This is the perfect moment to tell Josh how I feel. Why can’t I say anything?

“I think you should go,” Josh says quietly, no longer looking at me. I guess he’s taken my silence as me agreeing with what he’s said, even though that’s the opposite of how I feel.

Fuck.

My motions are quick to pack up my sketchbook and pencils, unlike how slowly my brain and mouth seemed to be functioning together. It hurts a fuckload to know that Josh would just assume the worst of me. I begin to think that maybe there’s no chance with Josh anymore, and it sucks.

“Good luck with exams,” I mumble before leaving his room.