The Pros and Cons of Breathing

The next morning, the list of students who had made it to callbacks was supposed to be tacked to the bulletin board outside of the drama room. I was so certain my performance left a lot to be desired that I didn't even bother to look, instead I focused on the collage assignment that was due the next day. Art was harder than I thought. Creativity was not my strong suit and after Landon left me last night, with my math homework completely finished, I stayed up late mapping and planning my display. My mom had missed Landon by a half hour, and barely peeked her tired-looking face into my room to say goodnight before she disappeared to her own room.

I frowned at the memory of those shadows under her eyes. I was seeing less and less of her since school started and I felt responsible for that. Maybe I was getting too wrapped up in my own life and that was creating this distance between my mother and I. She had already lost her husband; there was no way I was going to let her feel like she was losing her daughter too.

When I walked in to second period, Scottie was waiting for me eagerly. I braced myself to deliver the bad news.

"Well? Did you get a callback?" She asked excitedly.

I shrugged and set my bag on my desk, walking around the back to slide into my seat next to hers. "Doubt it. My audition was a wreck."

Scottie frowned, "You didn't check the board?"

I gave her a somber glance, "Scottie, my audition was so bad that they would have had to have been blind and deaf in order to consider me for a callback."

"Damn, I'm sorry, Sonny. Especially for subjecting you to that level of humiliation and not being able to watch," She replied with a sympathetic expression. I snorted in surprise and that triggered a grin from my evil best friend.

After second period, there was a fifteen minute break for students to recharge before another block of mind-numbing instruction ensued. I decided to take advantage of my time and spent it in the Art classroom, assembling my collage.

"Procrastinating, Miss Downing?" Mrs. Drew eyed me with mock-sternness and I sat at an empty desk.

"You know what they say; the greatest masterpieces are ones created out of procrastination or something like that," was my reply. Mrs. Drew grinned and stood from her desk, probably to procrastinate on grading assignments, and strode over to where I was stationed.

My collage was about two-thirds of the way finished. It included phrases such as "he said/she said," "anorexic," "slut," and "lies," as well as photos of girls and guys huddled and whispering. There were children sharing secrets (my interpretation of how juvenile spreading rumors was). At the center there was a girl whose face was in shadow as a stream of words ("freak," "prude," "psycho killer," "clingy," "ex," "virgin," "sex," and other words that had been tossed at me since school started) bombarded her from all angles. It was risky. It could backfire and people could use it as more ammunition to ridicule me with, but I wasn't going to let them think I couldn't hear them and that I didn't know what they were saying.

"My, my, Miss Downing. This is quite a masterpiece." She said nothing else as she studied the board and I felt disinclined to elaborate on my concept. I worked to finish it the rest of the break period before storing it in a cabinet and heading to third period.

My phone buzzed as I entered the room, but I refrained from checking it as I saw Mr. Archer staring intently in my direction. I wasn't inclined to risk a detention over a text message. Halfway through the class period, as I was taking notes on the position of Alkali metals on the periodic table, my phone vibrated again. Sneaking a glance at Mr. Archer, I slid my phone subtly into my lap.

Both messages were from Scottie;

Scottie: Are you sure you didn't do that good on your audition???? You got a callback for LIZZY!!
Scottie: Sonny!! Be excited with me!

I bit my grin back and typed quickly, darting my eyes back up to make sure I wasn't going to be caught.

Madison: Are you serious??!!!??!
Scottie: Yea!! Lunch! I'll show you!

Anxiety and excitement warred within me as I tried to focus during Chemistry. I managed to take down all the necessary notes, but I didn't think that I had actually processed any of that information while I was writing it. When the bell rang, I rushed to meet Kate in English before class started.

"So Scottie texted me, too! How exciting!" She blurted out as I scurried to my desk.

I exhaled a long, nervous breath, "I'm just freaking out because I have to go through that nightmare again! I thought I totally bombed it!"

"Well, you must have done something right, because they want you to read for the leading lady!" We both squealed and the last bell rang, signaling the start of class.

Landon was so excited for me when I told him the good news in Art. I was furiously working to finish the collage as he sat back in his chair. He was doodling some type of cartoon, not at all related to our collage project.

"Where's your project?" I nodded to his single sheet of paper.

"Oh I already finished. It's at home."

I groaned. Landon chuckled and rubbed a circle in between my shoulder blades, "Yours is coming along, Sonny." He commented, leaning closer to get a better look, "I really like the color scheme you got going on. And the placement. Give yourself some credit."

"We are our own toughest critics," I replied. The board was almost done; I knew that I was going to finish it before the end of the class period, but I was still stressing out about presenting it to the class. We didn't go up one-by-one, so that was less pressure, but we did present in a gallery-type setting, so students were able to get up close and hyper analyze every little detail. It was not something I was looking forward to.

"You'll be fine," Landon murmured as he brushed a kiss against my temple. I could hear a smattering of snickers from nearby assholes and resisted the urge to look around. It was utter bullshit. No matter what I said, these people still acted like I was the pathetic one.

At lunch Scottie escorted me to the corkboard by the drama room as if I had forgotten where it was. Sure enough, on the call-back list, my name was printed next to the line reading "for the role of: Elizabeth Bennet." Who would've thought? Callbacks were after school, so I made the appropriate arrangements to ride home with Landon once again.

When the lucky few of us who made it to the next round arrived at the theater, we were instructed to check in. I was handed a sheet of paper with one of Lizzie's scenes Mrs. Bennet and Darcy, as they spoke about poetry and affection on the night of the first dance that Darcy attended. We were all given a chance to practice and rehearse with the actors we were paired with. Surprise, surprise, I was paired with the blue-eyed senior and a girl who looked to be a sophomore at least.

"Glad to see you both at callbacks," stated the senior, wasting no time. He reached out his hand to shake ours, "I'm Corey."

"Madison," I replied.

"Courtney," said the sophomore.

We stood awkwardly for a moment before I spoke up, "So, as far as where to stand –"

"Blocking." Corey interjected.

"– blocking," I nodded and continued, "I think it would fit the scene if Mrs. Bennet is in between Lizzie and Darcy. Because they're meeting for the first time, and chaperones are always sort of cock-blocking, even in a conversation."

Corey guffawed, but nodded his agreement. Courtney shifted herself to immediate take the center of the group, with Corey and myself angling out on either side. As we practiced, I felt the difference between this audition and yesterday's immediately. Confidence poured from Corey's arrogant stance and Courtney's chatterbox imitation of Mrs. Bennet. When it was our turn to step onstage, I let out a nervous breath of air. Corey must have heard, because he gently squeezed my shoulder as we climbed the stairs.

We stated our names and the scene number before Courtney began for us.

"When she was only fifteen there was a gentleman so much in love with her that I was sure he would make her an offer. However, he did write her some very pretty verses," she babbled in a hilariously high-pitched voice to Corey and a pretend-Bingley.

I huffed a slight sigh, exaggerating the movement of my shoulders, "And so ended their affection. I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?" I made a point to not make eye contact with Corey. This scene was after Darcy insulted Lizzie's appearance and manner, although not realizing she had overheard him. I did my best to display the body language of a woman rebuffed, but attempting to hide her ill-thoughts of her offender.

"I thought that poetry was the food of love." Corey replied in a stoic, yet husky voice.

"Of a fine, stout love it may." I replied, matter-of-factly, as if it pleased me to be sharing information Darcy didn't seem to know. "But if it is only a thin, slight sort of inclination, I'm convinced that one good sonnet will starve it away entirely." Courtney made a noise of disapproval, playing the role perfectly.

Corey shifted his weight as if he were trying to hide his sudden interest, "So what do you recommend, to encourage affection?"

"Oh dancing, of course," I allowed a smile of victory, "Even if one's partner is barely tolerable." And I curtsied, as I had seen Keira Knightly do, before walking confidently offstage.

A round of applause erupted from scattered students and Ms. McGill, our drama teacher and director. Courtney, Corey and I glanced at each other in surprise. No other group had received an applause yet. We assembled in a line, like actors did at the end of the play, Corey grasping both our hands in the middle, and bowed to the small audience. I grinned in triumph.