The Pros and Cons of Breathing

"Mom, have you seen my red socks?!" I shouted down the stairs the next morning. I was running a little late and couldn't find the red printed knee-highs anywhere. There was no reply from my mom. Exasperated, I marched down the stairs and scoured the laundry room, which looked like a tornado had hit it. Geeze, when was the last time my mom had a chance to do the laundry? I made a mental note to start a load or two for her after school.

After a few minutes of skimming through, I found the socks, blessedly clean, on top of a folded pile of laundry on the counter opposite the door. I grabbed them, and ran back upstairs to finish getting ready. Something in the corner of my eye made me pause at the top of the stairs. Turning, I could see into my mother's bedroom. The scene beyond the doorway was so unreal that I was sure for a second that I was dreaming.

My mother was laying on her stomach, sprawled across the covers in the clothes she wore yesterday. Slowly I crept up to her, feeling out of place in the dark room. I leaned in near her face to check if she was breathing and caught the scent of something bitter and acrid on her breath. I pulled away and coughed a little before gently shaking my mother's shoulder.

"Mom?" I whispered. She stirred slowly, squinting up at me in the darkness. Then she pressed her fingers into the skin on either side of the bridge of her nose.

"Yes, Madison?" She answered back in a croak.

I hesitated, "Are – are you alright? It's seven thirty, don't you have work today?"

It was as if she were moving through water. I waited while she heard, then processed what I was saying before she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Her clothes were rumpled and smelled faintly of cigarette smoke and her makeup was smeared. "Not to sound intrusive, Mom, but where were you last night? And what time did you get home?"

She inhaled deeply through her nose, squinting to look at the alarm clock next to her bed. Turning back to me, she waved a hand dismissively. "I was at study group."

"All night? Where did you guys study, a bar? God, Mom, I'm not blind. You're obviously sporting a hangover and normally I wouldn't be weirded out or anything, but its Wednesday, for Pete's sake!" I was so freaked out, I could feel my hands shaking as I balled them up and placed them on my hips.

My mom seemed unaffected by my lecture. She slowly got up and started to shuffle around the room for clothes, "I went out for a drink after with Ruben, one of my group mates." She kept her back to me when she said this, "its fine, Sonny. I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me, sweetheart. It won't happen again."

I opened my mouth to respond, but she was already heading to her bathroom, "have a good day at school, sweetie. I'll see you tonight!" With that, she shut the door, leaving me with the soft click of the lock.

Confused and shaken, I stood in place for a few more seconds before blindly forcing my way back to the normality of my morning routine.



Landon was waiting for me in fifth period. The desks had been pushed to shape a square, lining the walls of the room and leaving a huge open space in the middle. Some students were already setting up their poster boards. Landon had one of those fancy Elmer's tri-fold boards, currently closed up so the collage was hidden. I quickly grabbed my board and placed it on the easel next to his.

"Hey Sonny," he said, leaning down to kiss my cheek.

I grinned up at him, nervously squeezing his hand in response. The bell rang and Mrs. Drew took her place in the center of the room as students set up their presentations.

"Okay class! Here's what we're going to do," she began, her voice rising above the sounds of shuffling and screeching chair legs on concrete. "We're going to start by allowing each student the opportunity to explain their vision for their piece and the meaning behind it. Then, we will allow fifteen minutes to go around and find two pieces that speak the most to us and write a response on the sheets I will be handing out to you shortly."

I exhaled a nervous breath. "You're gonna be fine," I heard Landon whisper next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and rubbed my arm as each student went around and described their board to the class. Finally, it was my turn.

I cleared my throat and stepped forward. The two boys who made a habit of picking on Landon and me snickered. Annoyance ran through me. "Okay, yeah. My name is Madison. A lot of you already know who I am, although none of you actually know me," I began. Mrs. Drew cocked her head to the side in interest. The girl who made a remark about me on the first day of school was standing two students away from her. I continued.

"The topic I chose, something that is important to me, is something that I wish wasn't. Rumors. This stupid, vindictive game that everyone plays here. I never really cared to pay attention to it. I've never been a subject of a rumor until this year. And it's juvenile, guys. It's pathetic, and it's a hollow past-time. Because those things that you hear about everyone? False. Well, the majority of the time. In my case? Unbelievably false." The girl rolled her eyes.

I took a deep breath and continued, "I know that it is completely pointless to have picked this topic. My opinion is worth very little these days. But that doesn't mean I don't have one, so you all are just going to have to deal. These words on this board are not random. Everything on here is a collection of things that have been said about me. I'm not some anonymous teenager in some movie that no one can relate to, I'm a real freaking person."

Some students shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as I said this. A girl near me pulled her eyes to the floor, a look of obvious guilt on her expression. Good, they were listening.

"And those people that are spreading the rumors? They're real, too. People who take pleasure in other people's pain and misfortune are sociopaths. Usually, they do it to escape their own dull, meaningless lives. And this is me, not having any of that. I will not sit here and let people pass judgment on me for things I didn't even do. You can't have my pain and misfortune. I'm none of those things you are saying about me and I never will be. But you will always be stuck with your hollow, empty lives even when the rumor mill has run dry and there is no one left to shift your focus on. Eventually you will have to face yourself and the person you are."

I stopped and sucked in a breath through my teeth. That went further than I had wanted to. Mrs. Drew started clapping profusely. The rest of the class slowly followed suit. "Now that is art." She commented before motioning for Landon to present his collage.

Landon nodded and opened the tri-fold board and my jaw dropped. There were no words on the board, save for "You" in bold, typed words pasted on the very top, center. Taking up the majority of the space was an oval mirror. On either side, spilling from the edges, or really it looked like they were coming from the back of the mirror, were ugly monsters and demon-looking creatures. Some were facing the audience, sadistic grins plastered on their faces. Some merely crawled across the board as if looking for a way to spring off and break free into reality. Students gasped and murmured to each other.

"After Madison's, this is going to look like we planned it, but I assure you, this is just a beautiful coincidence." Landon started. The students hushed. "As she so wonderfully put it, even you will have to face the person you are, when you're all out of people to pick on. I'm inviting you all to do so now. Take a look at yourself and your problems. Realize that no one is perfect and everyone has their own demons. Get over all these worthless things and be happy with yourself. Stop spending so much time worrying about things that will not mean anything a year from now. Do something productive with your life; focus on making yourself better instead of making others seem worse."

I gaped at Landon. I was in complete awe of this beautiful, poetic boy.

To review, Landon was still all of the things I said before;

- Good at making dessert drinks

- A great friend

- Capable of reading people like books

- Able to not make assumptions

- Accepted everyone for who they were, as is, no apologies

But he was so much more;

- A great kisser

- An artistic genius

- Patient and understanding

- Well-rounded (while looking good in a football jersey)

And, even better,

- He could give a speech half as long as mine and leave a room utterly dumbstruck