The Pros and Cons of Breathing

It was over a week now since Landon's art project reveal and people were still talking about it. Mrs. Drew was so impressed, she went through the trouble of pairing both of our boards together in a display in the main hallway to sit there for all of September. I was secretly counting down the days until they would be removed and I would not have to feel the shift of stares and they stuck to me like glue these days. It wasn't like before; people weren't being menacing or cruel in their observations. It felt more like they were trying to figure us out.

I personally didn't feel like there was anything to figure out. I was just a girl, dating a magnificent boy, and neither of us were going to let anyone get in the way of our own happiness. What needed explaining?

Today was Friday. I had my third day of drama practice to attend, and Landon had his first home game of the season. I was nervous because Landon insisted on sitting in on my practice before he had to head to the locker rooms to get ready for the game. What if I tripped? What if I got stage fright and threw up? I suddenly regretted getting the role of Lizzie. It was too much focus on me and my actions.

At lunch, I met my friends and Landon in the courtyard. The weather was beautiful; there was no way we were going to waste it in an over-crowded cafeteria.

"So you excited for the game?" Katie asked Landon.

He shrugged, "Nervous, actually."

We all scoffed. What did he have to be nervous about? He was a phenomenal player! We heard nothing but praise about him from his coach and teammates since the start of the season.

"Why?" Grant pressed.

Landon ducked his head, looking embarrassed. He chanced a quick glance to me that I wasn't sure the others really paid attention to. But I saw all I needed to in that look. He was as worried about messing up in front of me as I was in front of him. "I just don't want to fuck up in front of the whole school." He hedged, reaching down and squeezing my hand that was sitting in my lap.

I did my best to resist the urge to sigh and stare at him like a lunatic.



There was a moment when I experienced what I could only describe as complete and utter contentedness as Landon walked me to my last class. He was holding my hand and telling me a story about his childhood. I paid as much attention as I could; I wanted to commit these stories to memory. From what I could tell, he was a little hell-raiser growing up. Always getting into trouble, like most boys did.

Landon's punk-rock style kept making more and more appearances. I figured he was getting comfortable, nicely adjusted to a school full of people who either thought he was a total badass or a menace to society. I wished I could not give a shit about what they thought as easily as he did.

I laughed out loud as he described one of the pranks he and his neighborhood friends had pulled on a grumpy old man that lived at the end of his street. We slowed to a stop next to the door of my classroom and I tried not to pout when Landon glanced inside. "I'll meet you at the PAC," He responded to my pout, using the nickname for our Preforming Arts Center, or theater.

"Ugh, you just love to watch me make a fool of myself, don't you?" I whined.

"Honey, everyone does." Came a reply outside of our conversation. I turned to see Maria Gomez, who I had successfully avoided for the entirety of the first three weeks of school until now.

My eyes narrowed in response, "Maria, so nice to see you." My voice dripped with sarcasm, "I see your nose is almost completely back to normal size. Oh wait – was it always that big?" I covered my mouth and pretended like I felt bad for pointing out the size of her enormous honker.

"I don't believe we've met," Landon cut in, noticing the animosity, "I'm Landon."

"Maria Gomez." She cooed, shaking Landon's extended hand daintily. Fuck.

I watched as she congratulated Landon on his position in the team, leaning in to huskily invite him to her party after the game. She winked at him, smirked at me, and sashayed to her seat inside the classroom. I was boiling over.

Landon looked at me and then burst into laughter. "What?" I demanded, "What is so funny?"

"Your face!" He wheezed, "I have never seen you so jealous before!"

I crossed my arms over my chest, "That is not funny, Landon Cutler! She is the closest thing I have to an enemy!"

"She's your enemy?" He seemed to sober up at this. But then I noticed the tease of a smile as he continued, "Well, why didn't you say so?! I would have challenged her to a battle royale right then!"

I groaned at the same time as the one-minute bell rang. "Go to class, loser!" I grudgingly pecked him on the lips. He grinned and proceeded to do his best to imitate the way Maria had swung her hips as she walked away from us earlier. I couldn't help it; I barked out a laugh, tearing up as he exaggerated and put a hand on his hip.

Oh lord, help me.



From my vantage point on stage, I could see Landon, Kate, and Scottie sitting three rows behind Ms. McGill as she gave instructions to us on blocking for a scene. We were finishing up the last of the conversations during the dance scene where the Bingleys and Darcy are first introduced. Ms. McGill insisted that all the dancing would be dealt with at a later practice. She was much more concerned with lines and simple blocking at the moment. We had already worked on a few other scenes and practice was winding down. Some of the students were chatting annoyingly in the background.

"Great! That was really rather quick, guys. Good job!" She beamed at us after I had recited my part about poetry and stalked off-stage, signaling the end of the scene. "Now let's move on to…" We waited while she shuffled through her notes, "Well, okay. We're just going to keep the Bingleys, the Bennets, and Darcy for the last bit of practice. Thank you, everyone! If you're not a Bingley, Bennet, or Darcy, you can go! Rehearse!"

As Lizzie, I obviously was going to have more rehearsal time. It was something I had resigned myself to when I went in for callbacks. We went over a scene in Longbourne house, among the Bennet family. And then Ms. McGill gave us whiplash as she had us run pieces of Jane's stay with the Bingleys. Last was my scene with Darcy, where he confesses his love for me.

I leaned against a make-shift wall that would serve for the time being as part of the summer house Elizabeth ran for shelter to when the rain began to pour on her walk. I feigned breathlessness from my exertion.

Cory approached me, equally as breathless. "Miss Bennet," He paused, as though struggling with the words, "I have struggled in vain but I can bear it no longer…. The past months have been a torment…" Again, he paused, adjusting his stance in a way that struck me as very Darcy-like, "I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you… I had to see you."

"Me?" I asked, a slight shrill to my voice as if the idea were ludicrous.

"I've fought against my better judgment, my family's expectation," Cory picked up speed, blurting everything out in an endearingly nervous manner, except for the fact that, you know, he was essentially insulting me, "The inferiority of your birth, my rank and circumstance. All those things, but I'm willing to put them aside and ask you to end my agony."

I pressed my hand to my chest, right above my belly button, as if I were attempting to keep myself from fainting. "I – I don't understand…" My hushed tone carried through the theater.

"I love you." Cory stepped closer, inches between us, not breaking eye contact. I could barely hear him as I began to think of how Landon stood this close to me. The proximity always gave me butterflies. I tried to channel that feeling and simultaneously appear to fight it, "Most ardently. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand."

I hesitated for a moment, before taking a step back, widening the space between us, "Sir, I appreciate the struggle you have been through," I dropped my eyes to the ground as I continued, "And I am very sorry to have caused you pain. Believe me, it was unconsciously done –"

Ms. McGill cuts in, "Wow, guys this is looking great! I just want to see what it would look like if we changed up the blocking really quick…." Cory and I stepped apart and I darted my glance to Landon and my friends.

Kate and Scottie were talking quietly to one another. Landon was staring intently at me. I smiled shyly and waited for him to respond. He didn't. Frowning, I tried to follow his glance; it looked like he wasn't staring at me after all, but at Cory. Cory was oblivious to the study, since he was actually listening to Ms. McGill.

Shaking my head, I decided it would be best if I paid attention, as well. After running through it again, I chanced another glance up and noticed Landon had taken his leave somewhere during that second run. Scottie caught my eye and she and Kate gave me thumbs up and made kissy faces at me. I grinned, just as Ms. McGill dismissed us.

"How much longer do you think we have until the game starts?" I asked them when they came up to greet me.

Kate shrugged, "They're probably already on the field doing warm-ups. Freshman first, though. Are you wanting to watch all the games?"

"Well, why not?" Scottie answered, "We're already here. I don't have anything better to do."

"Me either." I added.

The three of us managed to kill time while we waited for Varsity to start their game. By the time Landon and his teammates came on to the field, I was ten dollars poorer and full from a nutritious dinner of Frito boat and diet Coke. We ran up to the gate that separated the track that wrapped around the football field from the stands. Landon didn't know it, but we had made a sign for him to support him during his first home game.

Kate and I waved the poster board as Scottie ran off to meet Grant at the entrance. The paper said "WE ♥ LANDON! GO #24!" I screamed as loud as I could as we saw him run onto the field. Landon took a moment to scan the crowd, probably looking for us. His helmet was off, so when he saw us, I could see him wink. Kate whistled and we cat called as he waved and joined his teammates.

Following close behind him was Adam. He also wasn't wearing his helmet yet. I watched as he stared at Landon with a glare and then followed his line of sight to where Kate and I still stood, waving our sign. Adam's scowl deepened.

"Ohhhh my gosh, did you see that?" Kate wiggled, nudging my arm with her elbow repeatedly, "That was a total death-glare on Adam's face! Supporting Landon and making Adam a jealous green monster with one little poster? Score!"

I didn't answer. My eyes were still on my ex as he took a seat on the bench. The glare was already gone, replaced with a mask of calm. My stomach soured with the creeping suspicion. I knew that face all too well. What was he up to?