The Pros and Cons of Breathing

"So are you going to tell me what happened between you two or not?" Kate huffed in the driver's seat.

We were halfway home from Louisville before she started demanding answers. I sighed, turning away from the window to look at her. "Nothing, Kate. He made me a drink and kept me company while you partied."

"Then why did he give you his number?"

Because he watched me cry and probably felt obligated to. "I'm not really sure." I replied honestly, "We didn't do anything, just talked."

"Weird."

I scrunched up my face and slapped Kate's arm as she cackled loudly at her own joke. I took one more look at the folded piece of paper in my hand before shoving it in my pocket.



When I was dropped off at my house, I was almost instantly greeted by my mother. "So how was the party?"

I froze, "Wh- what party?" I choked.

My mom chuckled, "Don't worry, you're not in trouble. But I know you and Kate didn't drive all the way to Louisville just to visit Kate's cousin on a whim."

"Don't worry, Mom, nothing happened." I sighed, taking a seat on a stool at the breakfast bar.

"I know," My mom shrugged, "You're my daughter and I raised you to be responsible and make good choices. And I know you wouldn't do anything to send me to an early grave."

I grinned as she set a bowl of mixed fruit on the counter and a pitcher of orange juice. "You hungry?" She looked over her shoulder while pulling plates from the cabinet above the stove. I shook my head.

We sat in peaceful silence as I poured myself a glass of juice and picked at the bowl in front of me, while my mom ate her waffles and read through last month's Cosmo magazine. Finally, after a few minutes, my mom broke the silence. "So what are your plans for today? Sleep off a hangover? Go out with Adam?" Mom trailed off after glancing at me, "What? What happened?"

I cleared my throat, striving for a neutral, if not flippant tone, "Adam broke up with me yesterday."

"Well that explains the sudden trip to Louisville." She muttered quietly. My mom set down her fork while letting out a breath like a deflated balloon and turned to face me, "I'm so sorry, Sonny, what happened?"

Non-committal shrug. Stare determinedly at fruit. Heat creeped up my neck and into my cheeks, forcing me to look up at her. "Oh you know; he's a guy… who wants what guys usually want… but I didn't give it to him, so apparently I'm a bad girlfriend."

"Oh, Sonny!" My mom pulled me in for a hug, "You did the right thing and you know I'm proud and extremely grateful that you didn't give in to the pressure. But I know it hurts, and I'm sorry."

"It's okay." My voice was muffled by her shoulder. And in a way, it was. Adam was an asshole. I could see that now, after the break-up. I cried and wallowed in self-pity yesterday, but from that point on, I was done. Adam was not going to ruin my summer.



Adam was ruining my summer.

I wasn't sure what he said or did to get every one of our mutual friends to turn against me, but he did it well. No one except Kate, Scottie, and Grant were talking to me. I was on Maria Gomez's "Shall Not Pass" list, and therefore was treated like a freshman crasher when I showed up at would-be friends' houses. There were plenty of rumors circulating, but it was hard to tell what was Adam and what was everyone jumping on the bandwagon.

Kate was furious and boycotted every junior and senior party, kickback, or bonfire she was invited to. Having never been on the other side of the popular spectrum (although never actually being Queen Bee either), I wasn't sure how to handle my social nose-dive.

I huffed to blow a strand of hair away from my sweaty face as I rounded the corner of my street. I slowed my pace back to a walk to cool-down from my three-mile run. My fingers automatically laced themselves on top of my head as I raised my arms to help expand my lungs for better breaths. Breathe in the good, exhale the bad.

Fourth of July was spent, not at Terrance Jefferson's annual barbeque with the rest of the upperclassmen, but at my neighborhood's block party, which I hadn't attended since I started middle school. Kate, Scottie, and Grant joined me, of course, subjecting themselves to the same sort of humiliating boredom all for the sake of loyalty. If I couldn't count on anything else, I could always count on my friends.

"This sucks." I muttered for the hundredth time. From my place on the curb by my driveway, I could see the whole col-de-sac. Kids were running around with sparklers, adults stood or sat in small groups, laughing against a sunset background.

Scottie and Grant were seated next to me, Kate had been recruited my mother to help carry bowls of ambrosia salad to the folding tables that were set up between our yard and our neighbor, the house across from us, that made up the end of the col-de-sac.

"It could be worse. We could've gone without you." Replied Grant.

Scottie slapped his arm. I made a face and nodded in agreement. "You're right. I'm being a downer. I don't need stupid parties with stupid jocks and stupid Barbies to have a good summer."

"Don't forget their stupid beer." Grant added.

"Damn straight!" Scottie interjected, putting her arm around my shoulders. The contact instantly made me feel sticky-hot in the early evening sun. "We are your real friends and we're ten times more fun than any one of those dweebs at Terrance's right now!"

I suppressed a giggle as Kate plopped down on my opposite side. "On that train of thought, I was thinking we can use my dad's season passes and go to Six Flags for the weekend. You too, Grant."

With that suggestion, my summer got infinitely better. Not because we were doing a whole lot, but rather because everything we did was just us – and often Grant as well. These three individuals had been my closest friends since the end of middle school, despite the many acquaintances Adam introduced me to. I didn't realize how much I had missed the intimacy of my close-knit circle.

We took day trips to the lake, camped out in Scottie's backyard, and had bonfires as much as we could simply because they knew I loved the sound of crackling firewood. There were sleepovers and afternoons spent at the movies and the mall. It was almost enough to make me forget Adam and the drama that followed him.

Until earlier today.

Scottie, Kate, and I were at the mall, sifting through the sale racks when a particularly loud burst of giggling caught my attention. I looked in the direction of the sound and caught sight of two girls snickering with their heads bent together, one of which was Maria Gomez. When they met my eyes, both girls ducked away immediately, suppressing nasty chortles of delight. My stomach knotted itself into a pretzel.

"I'm not finding anything," I declared to Kata and Scottie while putting back the top in my hands. "Let's go to the food court."

Kate and Scottie shared looks of confusion. "I thought you said, like, five minutes ago you weren't hungry." Kate replied.

"Yeah, and I thought you wanted to try on that shirt," added Scottie.

I shrugged, looking down at it. Truth was, I loved it. But I also loved not having to deal with snotty girls snickering and whispering about me two displays over. "I changed my mind."

After a moment, Kate looked to Scottie, "What about you? You wanna eat?"

Scottie shrugged and nodded, "Sure."

"Ugh, fine," Kate huffed, "Let me just pay for these." She motioned to the stack of shirts, shorts and such hanging from her arm. And then, to my absolute horror, she turned, and headed in Maria's direction. I froze, mind blanking on an excuse to not go with her.

"You coming?" Scottie asked me.

Mouth dry, I nodded. I followed her while fastidiously ignoring the two girls who were once again snickering at my expense.

"Prude!" The word was half-heartedly hidden by a fake cough and was accompanied by another burst of giggling.

Kate stopped, causing Scottie and I to fall still behind her.

"What did you just say?" She hissed venomously at the two girls. They immediately snapped to attention, no longer laughing, but still eyeing us with contempt.

"We weren't talking to you," sneered Maria's friend. Her gaze fell on me haughtily.

"That doesn't matter, you talk about my best friend like that, you mess with me as well. So watch your trashy mouth before you ain't got any teeth left to talk around." Kate was in the girl's face, looking fiercer than Queen Boadicea. I resisted the urge to shudder and stepped around Scottie to drag my friend away.

"Come on, Kate." I mumbled.

I had just pulled her a safe distance away when we heard Maria call out after us. "You know, Kate, you could've been so popular." I winced, praying that the idiot girl would shut up before Kate lost it,

"You're pretty, smart, guys love you. I'm positive you'd be prom queen if it weren't for your friends." I turned to glare at her, keeping my grip on Kate, but Maria continued, "You're throwing away the ultimate high school experience on that pathetic little stuck-up bitch and your nerdy loser-side-kick –"

She didn't get to finish. Blinded by rage, I launched myself at Maia and had her on the ground before she even knew what happened. I threw the hardest punch I could at the bulbous blob she called a nose, ignoring the pain when she scratched and hit me back. All I could think of was Scottie – sweet, beautiful, genius Scottie, who was anything but a loser or a side-kick.

Massive hands pulled me up all too soon and I watched with satisfaction as blood gushed from Maria's face.

"You are so done, you little bitch!" She screeched, "I am going to make your life hell!"

"Oh fuck you," I sneered back, allowing the security guard to spin me around and drag me to the mall office.



I was released an hour later, when Kate's mom, who my mom appointed as a legal guardian when my dad died, picked me up. Kate had to take Scottie home, so the car was silent until Aunt Anna stopped the minivan outside of my house.

"You know I'll have to tell your mom about this." She stared at the wheel.

I nodded, making a small noise in response.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

This is where we finally looked at each other. I thought for a moment, "Just that… I was totally able to walk away when they were insulting me… but no one has the right to insult Kate and Scottie because of me."

Aunt Anna, who wasn't actually related to me, made a soft clucking noise with her tongue before she drew me in for a hug. "Oh child… I don't know what's going on with you." She rubbed my back vigorously, "It'll be alright."



Now I was anxiously awaiting my mother's return – and punishment. I had already cleaned the house before going for a run. I took a long, lukewarm shower and then organized the medicine cabinet and refolded the towels three different times. Finally, I ambled downstairs and began to rummage through the pantry for ingredients. As I gathered flour, eggs, and sugar, my instinct was to make my favorite chocolate cake.

I never actually ate the things I baked, unless I was still upset by the time I was done baking. There was something about the process of ingredients, measuring, mixing, and pouring that helped me organize my thoughts and compartmentalize my emotions. It was in the midst of beating eggs that I came to realize that I wasn't upset over getting into trouble. I was just worried about my friends.

What kind of a selfish person would I be if I kept letting them get in the middle of my ex-boyfriend's drama?

How do I protect them from the backlash?

The only way I could think of handling this disaster was to just let everyone talk themselves out. I needed to lay low and let someone else's personal problems take the spotlight.

I was just pulling the cake out of the oven and setting it on the cooling rack when my mom walked in through the kitchen door. I gave her a weak smile, bracing myself for the wrath of Deborah Renee Downing.

"So Anna told me what happened at the mall today." Her voice was level and stern. I dropped my head to display an appropriate amount of shame as she placed her hands on her hips. "I have to say I'm disappointed in you, Sonny."

She called me Sonny. If she were really upset with me, it'd be Madison, or Madison Rose. When I looked up, the expression she wore told me she knew what she said and that she knew I caught her. "I'm serious." She emphasized.

"I know." I mumbled back.

She sighed. "Anna told me why you did it, but you know, even though I understand you were standing up for your friends, I can't let you do something like that without consequences. You're grounded, Sonny. Until school starts. Consider your summer over."

I bit my lip. It was fair enough. School started in a week, and although she may not have realized it, this was a blessing in disguise. It gave me an excuse to lie low and allow everyone the chance to back off Kate and Scottie before things got out of hand.

Nodding my head, I washed my hands and headed upstairs to retreat to my room. As I made my way to my bed, my eyes rested on the scrap of paper sitting on my desk. I paused. A flash of that soul-searching gaze seared my mind. Quickly I shook my head and threw myself on my bed. I had enough going on without throwing a college boy into the mix. Landon was nothing but complicated and the last thing I needed was complicated.