The Pros and Cons of Breathing

"You look terrible." Kate greeted me Friday morning.

I made a face at her, but didn't reply as I scooted into her truck next to Scottie. I overslept after waking up in the middle of the night; the past few nights have been rough, and it showed. Black circles ringed my eyes, and I only had time to apply the barest of concealer while throwing my hair into a quick ponytail. Personally, I agreed with Kate, but it didn't matter. Too late for do-overs.

When we arrived in the school parking lot, I was immediately filled with dread at the size of the crowd of students milling about. No one really took note of me, though, as I trailed behind Scottie and Kate. The name-calling lost its momentum after Wednesday. I was starting to feel normal again, which was kind of nice, despite the fact the normal was synonymous with invisible. I knew Adam couldn't hurt me permanently.

Despite being the nicest teacher of the bunch, Mr. Hessler assigned the toughest load – and in the first week of school! I spent hours Tuesday and Wednesday just reading the chapters and all night last night studying for our test. I was biting my lip, trying to remember which colonies were established when, completely absorbed, when Kate snapped her fingers in front of my face.

"You okay?" She asked.

I shook my head to clear it, "Yeah, sorry. I have a history test."

"Yikes, already?" Scottie grimaced.

"Yeah, I just barely got homework yesterday." Kate interjected.

The bell rang and I groaned. We said goodbye and I heaved my bag onto my shoulders, heading for my impending doom.



My insides had that wiggly Jell-O feeling as I walked out of Mr. Hessler's classroom. It was a combination of leftover anxiety and relief that it was all over that put me in a stupor on my way to second period.

I slumped down in my seat and waited for Scottie to take her place in the spot next to me. Glancing through the open door, I could see Grant walking her down the hallway. Their fingers were entwined at the tips, and he ran his free hand through his straight, brown hair. I bit back a smile as I watched them interact. They've been together since last year and they were still dopey and shy to the point where it was sickly sweet. I really hoped I would be watching them from my spot as a bridesmaid someday.

Seeing my friend so happy put me in a much better mood, and I fished my notebook out of my backpack. I stretched out and rested my boots on the basket underneath the seat of the student in front of me. Absentmindedly, I tugged at the knots in my ponytail as Scottie took her seat. Looking over her should, I could see Grant still standing in the hallway as he grinned goofily at his girlfriend.

I almost laughed out loud and waved my hands at him to shoo him away. Chuckling, he did as instructed, just as the late bell rang. Scottie blushed, ducking her head. "You two give me hope." I commented, lightly squeezing her hand before turning to face the board.



After our embarrassing encounter on Monday, I had successfully devised a strategy to avoid further humiliation at the hands of Landon's wolfish ways. At the risk of being served a detention, I would wait at the end of the hall until the one-minute bell and slowly enter the classroom. Landon always showed up really early, so whatever seat he chose, I would find a spot as far away from him as possible.

Pathetic? Sure. But I really didn't know how to act around him. I couldn't make heads or tails of him, since he seemed to be a completely different person each day. So far I've seen Landon as a Punk, a bad boy, a Christian Grey impersonator, some kind of Jock, and an orgcore look like the punkers that listen to Against Me!

It was all a bit intimidating. I was always so taken aback by his change in appearance that I couldn't help but wonder if he had a personality disorder. As soon as the thought entered my head, I scolded myself. He seemed to be the same intense, caring Landon when he confronted me on Monday as he was when I met him.

Today, however, he looked rather… normal. He was wearing a plain, faded red T-shirt and well-worn jeans over those drawn-over Chucks. I didn't have long to watch him unnoticed, because he had that habit of looking for me over his shoulder. I ducked my head, avoiding his gaze and took a seat in the front of the room, opposite of him.

Guilt spread through my chest. I frowned. What was my problem? As I pulled out my supplies, I reminded myself why I was alone. It was guys and relationships that screwed up my reputation. How could I trust another guy with what's left of me, especially a guy who doesn't seem to know who he is?

I grumbled to myself for the rest of the day. I just needed space and time to think and be myself without anyone putting me down. The weekend could not get here fast enough. By the time the last bell rang, signaling the end of my Trig class, I was exhausted. Taking my time, I was the last to file out of the room and I made my way to my locker amidst the dwindling crowd of students.

By the time I started piling the books I would need to complete this weekend's workload into my bag, the halls had considerably cleared. A group of underclassmen passed my locker on the way out and I heard one of them hiss "freak!" rather loudly. Something inside of me snapped.

Whirling around, I dropped my heavy bag and marched over to the group of young girls. "What did you just say?" I almost shouted.

The culprit's eyes widened and she began to back up, pressing against the door to the boys' locker room behind her. "I- I, uh…"

"Uh, I, uh, what?" I mocked her, "What, now that you have my attention, you're too afraid to say it to my face?" I snapped.

"Hey, leave her alone!" Her friend stepped up in between us.

My fingers twitched, "No, you leave me alone! I'm so sick of little shits like you thinking you know me just because of the crap my butthurt ex is spreading about me just because I wouldn't sleep with him! When did it become okay to make fun of someone for not wanting to have sex with every guy she dates? Who said that was anyone's business? What do you actually know about me?" I shouted.

The girls remained silent. The culprit was biting back tears and I smiled. "I am not a pathetic 'freak.'" I used air quotes around the word freak. "I couldn't give a fuck about Adam and what he does, so I'm not some clingy ex-girlfriend; I don't want him back. So shut the fuck up about things you know nothing about!"

The halls rang with the echo of my outburst. Each underclassman was gaping at me like a fish, unable to form a coherent thought. Suddenly the door behind the culprit swung open, almost sending her on her ass, if it weren't for the smooth catch Landon executed.

My cheeks colored at the sight of him. He was dressed in practice clothes for football, which further puzzled my mental image of who this guy was. With my attention diverted, the group in front of me booked it out of the doors of the school.

"Terrorizing children now?" Landon teased.

I couldn't muster a single response. Instead, I sealed my lips shut, praying for the ground to swallow me whole. "How much of that did you hear?" I whispered after he refused to leave.

"A lot." His tone was neutral, not giving away a single thought. At that moment, I wished I could read minds to just find out what his verdict was on me. So far, I didn't think I had made a single good impression on him, and yet here he was, not even searching for an escape from me right now.

"Sorry." I replied.

"Hey." He stepped forward. "Remember what I said? Never apologize."

I shrugged in response. He sighed. "Look, I have to go to practice now, but… I really wish you would call me." Not waiting for a reply, he headed out the doors towards the field.