This Is Not What It Is.

My leg shakes, my heart beating wildly, my breathing heavily, my arms wrap my around my body. Tears ran down my cheek. I couldn't breathe. Panic attack. I felt like the world was going to end and I was going to die. I took my medicine but it isn't working. I left the stage half way through the set. I was alone. Austin was filling in for me. Our tour manager was talking to me, keeping me calm. He gave me my adavan. I took a half dose. I kept crying and shaking. The set should have ended by now. A few minutes later the band comes in and so does Austin. I quickly run to York and wrap my arms around him tightly, I was still shaking like a dog. He just rubbed my back.

"I-I'm sorry," I muttered.
"Don't be sorry," York says as he rubs my back still.
"I...my medicine...," I start.
"Don't worry," York mutters.

I let go of York and hug the rest of the band then Austin. Austin holds me close to him. I inhale his scent and it calms me slightly. I pulled back and wipes my eyes. Austin kept his arms around me. He kisses the top of my head. I look up at him.

"I love you," he says quietly.
"I love --" I start.

The door opens, a weak smell of cigarettes appeared as a ginger made his way to me.

"Birdy, are you okay?" Alan asks.
"I'm fine Kitty, thanks," I reply.
"Alright, I just heard you had a panic attack," Alan says.
"I'm better," I say.

We quickly hug and Alan placed a small kiss on my cheek. His breath was cigarette and alcohol. He went back to his dressing room I suppose. I look at Austin.

"I love you too," I say quietly.

Austin just smiles and starts to lean down to kiss me, before we get interrupted again.

"Phoenix," York says.

I take a step back from Austin who just straighten himself out

"Yes York?" I ask.
"Call Dr Brown, now!" York says a bit forcefully.
"Okay, okay," I say.

I grab my cigarettes and my phone. I motion for Austin to follow me. We walk slowly to the back door. I already had a cigarette hanging out. I lit it up as soon as we get outside, I blow out the smoke.

"Now we can kiss," I say.
"Finally," Austin says back.

He leans down and I lean up. Our lips meeting in the same way but a whole new meaning got added to the kiss. We moved our lips together slowly. I pulled away slowly. Austin just smile as I do. I take a drag from my cigarette as I scroll in my contacts for my doctor. I hit her name and placed the phone to my ear. I blow out the smoke as I got her voicemail.

"Hi, this is Phoenix Ella. I had a panic attack on stage tonight. I need to schedule an appointment ASAP. Well as soon as I'm off touring. Which is a week left, thank you," I lecture into my phone and hang up.

I slid my phone into my pocket. I took another drag and Austin started to press small kisses to my neck. I giggle quietly, smoke leaving my mouth.

"Aussssie," I say.
"Phooooe," he says in mocking matter.
"Get in there, you have set soon I'm sure," I say as I finish my cigarette, tossing it to ground, stomping it out.
"Okay, okay, fine," he says as he takes my hand.

We walk back into the venue. I dropped Austin off his dressing room. I made my way to my dressing room. I walk in and the guys all staring at me. They each hug me then they do a group hug. It's the same thing every time when I have a panic attack. I've had really bad panic attacks before where I find myself hospitalized. They kept hugging me. They let go and I take out my phone. I get on Twitter and send out a quick tweet.

@PhoeEllaDeath: I'm fine for those who heard that I had a panic attack on stage. It was minor and lasted for the last half of set.

I slid my phone back into my pocket. I grabbed my stuff and made my way back to the bus. I get on the bus. I change into my pajamas. I get in my bunk and lay there thinking about that kiss I shared with Austin earlier. It felt different. Then it hit me. We both said 'I love you.' for the first time our relationship. Those words added something to our kiss. I took out my phone to send a quick text to Austin.

That kiss was amazing. I'm sorry I'm not watching set tonight. Too well you know.

I press send and plug my phone in. I close my eyes. I slowly drift off into a deep sleep. This night has been...terribly amazing.