This Is Not What It Is.

Austin is up bright and early for his doctor’s appointment. He and I shower together, get dressed, and head out to his doctor appointment. He’s driving his touareg. I am sitting snug in the passenger seat.

“I am gonna call my parents when we get there and see if they want to do lunch or something,” I say.
“Okay baby,” Austin says and nod.

We get to his doctors. He goes in and get check and I stand outside, talking to my parents.

“Hi dear,” My mom says as she answers.
“Hey Mom,” I say with a small sigh.
“So, dear, how are things with Austin?” My mom asks.
My dad speaks up loudly, “Do I have to kick his ass?”
“What? No dad! We are just trying to work on the living situation because I want to live with him, but neither one of us want to move, it’s complicated,” I answer.
“Well, honey, sometimes you have to make sacrifices if he’s the one, you know?” My mom chimes in.
“But, I can’t leave what I built up in Pennsylvania to go live with some boy, who I am not even sure is the one,” I say with a small sigh.
“Then make him move out there, he should just compromise and live where you want to live,” My dad starts.
“Or, maybe find somewhere in the middle to move to. Maybe like Missouri,” Mom says.
“I like Missouri,” My dad says, “You’ll be close to your uncles there.”
“That’s true, I like Missouri too,” I chimed in.
“Good luck baby girl,” My mom says, “and come over lunch.”
“Okay mom,” I say.

I hang up. I walk in and sit down in a chair. I wait for about an hour and Austin comes back out with a smile on his face. I stand up and walk to him, taking his hand.


“He’s all good. He needs a check in in six months or after his next tour, which ever comes first,” His doctor tells me.
“Yes sir,” I say
“Ready to go babe?” Austin asks.
“Mom wants you to come over for lunch,” I answer him.
“Okay sounds good,” Austin comments.

I take Austin’s keys, I was going to drive. I know to get around to California. Austin and I make small talk all the way to my parents. I got a little lost on the way to my rents, wasn’t going to tell Austin that. His car was also bigger than I was use it. I get to my parents. I park and we get out. We walk up to the door. Austin knocks on the door.


Mom opens the door, “Hi sweeties!”
“Hi Mrs. Ella,” Austin says sweetly.
“Please sweetie call me mom,” She beams.
“Okay…,” Austin says with expression of unease.
I squeeze Austin’s hand, “Hey mom.”
“Come in sweeties,” My mom bellows.

We walk in. My dad gets up from his chair and walk to Austin. He offers his hand to him. Austin shakes his hand.



“Hello Austin,” My dad greets. He’s met him before why is it so weird this time around.
“Hello Mr. Ella,” Austin chimes.
“Please, call me dad,” My dad says.
“Yes sir,” Austin says.

Austin sits down on the couch. Dad sits down on his chair. They start to talk about sports. My mom and I make lunch.

“How was Austin’s appointment?” My mom asks.
“He was good. He checks in well,” I answer.
“That’s great sweetie. Have you talk to him about the living situation?”
“No, that didn’t come up. I know I should.”
“Tomorrow I will.”
“Today baby girl.”

We finish lunch and call the men to the dining room. We all eat with small talk. I love this. It was really nice. We finish eating and my parents clean up the table. I take Austin’s hands. I look at him.



“Austin?” I ask quietly.
“Yeah, what’s up love?” He answers in the same quietness as me.
“We need to talk about living situation,” I tell him.
“Do you not like the idea of moving back and forth?” Austin questions?
“No, I want somewhere permanent,” I answer.
“Like?”
“Somewhere half way?”
“But, I love the beach.”
“Yeah and I love Pennsylvania and there’s a beach.”
“But California Beach.”
“But…”
“Can we talk about it later?”
“Yeah, we can.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”

Austin and I get up and we tell my parents we are going to go. My mom tells me that she hopes she sees me before I go back. I tell her I will. I give my dad the biggest hug. He hugs me back. My mom had pulled Austin into a hug. He seemed a bit uncomfortable. I just let out a small laugh. My dad and Austin shook hands. Austin and I get in the car and Austin drives.

“I know just the place,” Austin says happily.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I was thinking Big Bear,” Austin says with a smile.
“Big Bear?” I question.
“It’s the best place. It get snow,” He answers, “We can move there. That can be our compromise.”
“I don’t know.”
“Babe, listen, I found a small little house we are going to look at. You don't have to say yes, but just look.”
“Austin, you can’t just do that!” I exclaims.
“Well, I did.”

I roll my eyes a bit. He’s such an ass. I did however decided to have an open mind. I find it quite annoying that he won’t consider Pennsylvania. I take his hand in mine. I squeeze it just to let him I was a bit annoyed. I think he gets the point.

“Ouch,” He mumbles.
“I am sorry,” I say a bit actually sorry.
“I love you,” He says.
“I love you too,” I say back.


We get to Big Bear and to a small house. There is a real estate agent waiting for us. We get out and walk up and meet her. She greets us. She walks us through the small house. It was really cute. I liked it. I wasn’t going to admit that I liked it. Austin asked me about the house. I tell him that it’s okay. Now I need to schedule beach house visits in Pennsylvania. We got back in the car, he drives us to his house. Once we get to the house. We get in his house and sit down on his couch. He plays with my hair.


“Babe?” He asks quietly.
“Yeah?” I answer.
“Do you want to get a California Burrito for dinner?” He questions.
“Yeah,” I say quietly.
“Cool,” He comments.
“Austin?”
“Yeah?”
“I think I am going to go home tomorrow.”
“Why?”
“I just need space and time to think about us. Also we got a small gig in Philly in like three days.”
“Okay.”


I felt awful, but I needed room to breathe.

*********************
Night Of Concert

“Hello Philidelphites. It’s your leader. I am giving you permission to lose your shit tonight and have fun.” I state into the microphone before my band goes on.

We all walk on. We perform a song. I do my crowd talking, same thing every time, however we are the headliners for this so I just made them stoked for the bands that did just play. I ask them how they are feeling, just a bunch of cheers. I laugh a bit. It came to be the end of the show, I state that we are going to play one of the sentimental songs, all the guys take the hint and get off. It’s just Elijah and me, like always. We play this song and get about half way through it before I feel tears weld up in my eyes. My vocals get shake and I slump down to my knees. Elijah finishes the song. I couldn’t even do the rest of the vocal. I walked off stage, turning off the microphone. I walk into the dressing room. Spencer and York had their eyes raised. Simon headed out towards the stage.


“Did you take your medication?”

“Yes.”

“Why are acting like you're having a panic attack?”

“I don’t know…it’s just an emotional song.”

I walk outside with my phone I dial Austin’s number. I just needed to talk to him. I hear him pick up.



“Hey baby,” He says softly.
“Hey Austin,” I say with a small tear in my eyes, “I was just calling to tell you I love you so much and I miss you.”
“I love you so much too. I miss you too.”
“I wanna marry you someday.”
“I want to marry you too.” That’s weird, that sounded close.

I felt a tap on my shoulder that makes me jump. I turn around and face Austin. We both hang up and I jump into his arms. He holds me, my legs wrapping around his waist. We share a deep loving kiss. He holds me close to him. I pull away when oxygen becomes necessary. I look at him.


“Surprise,” Austin says.
“I love you so much,” I say quietly.
“I love you so much too,” Austin replies back to me.

Austin walks us back inside and to the dressing room. Spencer, Simon, and York looks relieved to see me. I hop down from Austin’s hold. Elijah runs to me and wraps his arms around me.

“Thank God you're okay. I was so worried,” Elijah says.
“Don’t worry about me,” I reply to Elijah.
“I love you,” Elijah whispers.
“I love you too,” I whisper back to him.

I go back to Austin. I smile at him. We share a kiss.


“Kids want to see you Phoe,” Simon states.
“Yeah, I’ll head out,” I say.
“I’ll stay here,” Austin comments.

I walk out of the dressing room, towards the stage. I get down from the stage and I walk to merch area. People cheered a bit when I saw them. I manage to get them quiet.


“I am okay. I had a moment, but I am fine now,” I state.


They cheered. I smile wide and took a bunch of pictures and signed a bunch of stuff. I signed some guys ass, who swears he’s getting it tattooed there. I told him he shouldn’t. After getting through everyone, I head back to the dressing room. Austin wraps himself around me the second I walk in. I smile and kiss him.

 ***********************
Yes, I did think about Austin and I. I decided to settle in Big Bear. I just want something bigger because I need space for my recording studio. My house was my first major purchase after our first album sold a bunch.


Austin and I are laying on the bed in my house. He’s playing with my hair.


“I want to move to Big Bear, however I want a bigger house,” I admit.

“Really?” He asks.
“Yes, I do. I liked it out there. Orange County was also nice, and I know that’s where the guys are,” I answer.
“Babe! I am so happy!” Austin exclaims.


I kiss him gently and he kisses back. He pulls me close to him. I snuggle into him. I love the warmth he radiates. This was a nice night. I could get use to this.