Clarity

“Are you nervous?” Deirdre placed a comforting hand on Ben’s shoulder as he stood in the mirror contemplating which shirt he should wear. It shouldn’t have been so difficult, but with his mind reeling a million thoughts per second he can’t grasp enough common sense to pick a bloody shirt.

Ben gave her a wry smile, “That obvious?”

Deirdre smiled, “Just a little.”

She watched Ben give a large sigh, shoulders still tense as he threw the burgundy sweater over his shoulder and snatched another one in its place. Pulling it over his head, he fidgeted before doing the same with that one.

“Were you and Xian—that girl close?”

“We were close mates; she actually worked for me a couple of years before things went awry.” Deirdre listened as the sadness dripped from his voice. She didn’t know much about this girl or even how to pronounce her name, but remembering those tabloids where they caught pictures of the two together she could tell they were extremely close.

No jealousy came from Deirdre, only pity that whatever they went through destroyed that friendship they once had leaving Ben a wreck. He couldn’t even pick out a shirt.

Scouring his messy room, she snatched a purple dress shirt and presented to him. “Wear this. No questions, you look good in whatever you wear and whatever happened between the two of you I believe any friendship can be fixed.”

It is times like these that Ben thanked his conscious for having Deirdre come over to calm him down. He only wanted to chat with her to calm his nerves before he headed out to the welcome back party, but she sensed his anxiety and insisted she come over. Within the hour, he felt better. He did feel guilty she won’t be going, but it would be awkward.

For him and for Deirdre too.

Deirdre didn’t mind as she softly pecked his lips in encouragement. “She will be so excited to see you and whatever bad thoughts are muddling through that head of yours are going to be dashed away from your memories. I swear it.”

Giving him one last kiss on the lips, she got into her car and drove off. If he ever needed her she is only a phone call away that is what she always told him. Why is he such a horrible person? Dragging her along like this? Giving her false hope of something that is never going to happen because his heart belongs to someone else?

Ben has been a fool for far too long and it dawned on him in the most inconvenient time. He realized it when he saw Xianghua walking through that door with Tom, the happiest he has ever seen her and it is a result of not him, but something or someone else.

He stupidly and shyly stood in the background as Xianghua cheerily embraced all their friends, expressing her surprise to see them all. She has changed dramatically not physically just her sense of being. Xianghua looked as if she is floating on air as she pranced around in her usual dress and leggings underneath, the trademark lipstick that he haunts him and the shy smile she offers everyone.

“You alright there, mate?” Ben is brought out of his stupor finding Tom standing beside him with a questionable look on his face.

Clearing his throat, he stiffly nodded, “Of course, why would I not be?”

“Well, for one you haven’t welcomed me or Xi back—heard you are dating someone. Is she here by any chance?” Tom looked around to see the woman that his beloved fiancé has been rambling about. He shouldn’t have been surprised that Paty didn’t take his full advice and lay low for a while.

The upside is that Ben is in fact dating and has with this Deirdre bird for a while now. All he needed to see if what kind of state of mind he is in.

“No, she decided to stay at home. She wanted me to have a proper gathering with you lot without the pressure of having her here.” Ben responded his eyes fixated on Xianghua. Tom noticed and gave Ben a slap on the back stating it would be lovely to bring Deirdre around the next time. “Will do. How was filming?”

He finally ripped his gaze off of Xianghua as he listened to a reluctant Tom short story of how filming gathered. Tom vaguely expressed the amount of friends the two made while they were away and didn’t want to get into details of Xianghua and her friendship with Chris.

The conflict Ben showed had Tom pushing him towards the woman that has been on his mind since she left. Giving a few encouraging words, he bumped him into the center of Paty, Xianghua and a few other friends. Tom escorted Paty away from the group and discreetly signaled Ben to do the same with Xianghua.

Ben didn’t do exactly as what he is told, standing there in sheer awkwardness giving a tense smile at Xianghua. She could sense it as she offered him a tight smile back wondering what is on his mind. “H-how have you been?”

Her shy small voice made his heart flutter, he cleared his voice as he voiced, “I’ve been good. Very good actually—busy as ever.”

Why is he suddenly fumbling with his words? He never acted bashful when he is around her and now he is. Standing in uncharted territory, he didn’t know what else to say. “How about you?” He winced at how lost he sounded when he asked the question.

One simple question made her light up as if the city of lights shined within her eyes. “It has been wonderful. The experience in the states was absolutely amazing and fun. I made lots of new friends.”

“That’s great. Wonderful.” Ben muttered.

He couldn’t handle being around her not at this moment. The pressures of being around her with a group of their friends made him feel trapped. When he excused himself he didn’t see the look of disappointment crossing Xianghua’s face as he left her. He avoided her the rest of the night and when Xianghua left early, he felt horrible.

Paty gave him a look of disapproval, pinching his side. “What the bloody hell was that? What did you say to her?”

“Nothing. I said nothing.”

“You said something! Go after her! Fix it. I hate the tension between you two it has been driving me insane.” Paty insisted.

“Paty’s right. You should go after her, just have a moment of truth and ease that tension.” Tom came around and piped in. He didn’t hear what went on between the two of them, but the lack of words and awkwardness gave him some indication what probably happened.

Ben pursed his lips eyeing the door before he is giving an initial shove from Paty. A few words of encouragement came through his ears before he exited the party and drove to Xianghua’s flat.

His heart pounding the entire way he didn’t know why he is feeling this way. The confliction of being around Xianghua is a little more to bear and he can’t deal with it. He didn’t know how to and standing at her door isn’t helping.

Butterflies swirled uncontrollably in the pit of his stomach as he came to terms to knock on her door. After all these months of not seeing her, speaking to her or even being around her really taken a toll on him. He felt like he is meeting her for the first time back when she was carefree and cheery about everything.

She still is in a way, but sadness lingered in her soul after the dilemma they both had. That shared bond is severed and Ben didn’t know how to mend it. Desperately trying to fix what he has broken, his shaky fist rapt softly on her door before taking a few steps back. He knocked again giving a little more force than the first time.

When Xianghua opened the door, she held her breath as her eyes widened in shock. “B-benedict…”

“Can I—can I come in? I need to speak with you.”

Hearing the urgency in his voice, she hesitantly let him in. She didn’t know what to think when he walked through her doors, a small voice told her to kick him out before he did any more damage to her mending heart, but her kindness wanted him to let him speak. To speak his mind and be honest about the time they spent apart.

Xianghua isn’t delusional; she had no hope of being with Ben after all this time and seeing him having such a difficult time talking to her broke her heart. They used to have such a wonderful friendship filled with ease, happiness and laughter only for her to fuck it up and poured her heart out to him.

She was too honest with him and a little discretion should have been advised when it came to something as fragile as that. Love is easy to tend, but trust that is something that can be easily broken and seeing him easily breaking her heart made her skittish. She didn’t trust him, not with her heart and it is never intentionally, but she felt like she always needed to prepare herself whenever she is around him.

Just like now.

As rapidly as she can, she started to build that wall up to ricochet any hurtful words that may destroy her.

“Do you want something to drink?” Her courtesy naturally came forth as her bare feet padded through her home. Quietly observing Ben taking off his shoes she tensed noticing that he is preparing himself to stay for a little while.

A part of her wanted him to deny the courtesy she is extending, but he didn’t listen to her heart. “Water would be lovely.” He rasped. He is suddenly parched feeling the tension rising, anxiety hit him full force when he grasped the glass from her and took a large gulp.

Settling the glass down, he looked at her with soft eyes. “I’m sorry for the way I acted at the party; it is never my intention to be so cold around you. I just—I never fully prepared myself to be around you so soon and for me to react in such a way that made me feel…”

“Awkward?” She offered up the word.

“Yes,” Ben smiled and within moments it faltered. “awkward. After what happened with us I didn’t see the impact you had in my life until the moment you walked out of it. When you told me that you wanted me to give you space I felt the air being sucked out of my lungs, I felt suffocated, lost and bewildered that you would suggest something like that yet I understood. A small part of me understood why and I knew you were trying to heal from a broken heart, something I never intended to break.”

Taking a small pause, he inhaled deeply and breathed out, “I never ever wanted to hurt you, Xianghua. You are one of the most precious people in my life and these months with you felt—odd if that is the proper term.”

Words escaped him as he continued to ramble; he had no idea where he is going with this or what he tried to get across. Being around her made him flustered and feeling the frustration building within him again he did something that he wished he took back the moment he did it.

At a blur, he pressed his lips against hers. His mind went blank as he relaxed into her completely relishing into the soft warm lips that haunted him in his dreams. He felt like he has done this before as he massaged his lips with hers. Lightly he pressed her against the wall emitting a small gasp from her and just like it happened he is detached.

Xianghua pushed him away with those few seconds of lapse judgment. “What—Benedict? I-I…” She trailed off, flushed face and bruised lips with her lipstick smudged leaving evidence on Ben’s. Staring at the hopeful gaze he gave her, she disheartening spoke gently, “We can’t—you can’t do this. Not now. Not when I’m…with someone.”

She hoped that he didn’t hear the last part of her sentence, but seeing the crestfallen face on his features only brought tears to her eyes.

“Xianghua-”

“Why now? Why would you do this? It doesn’t make sense.” Xianghua’s lips quivered, she shook her head believing this is all a dream that she will wake up from and all the problems that she didn’t have minutes ago will vanish.

Ben didn’t know what to say, he is beyond stunned. She’s with someone? Why didn’t he see that glow that he had about her as something to do with her being with someone? Who is it? He wondered; his mind reeled at the cast that she hung around with wondering who it was.

It can’t be Hemsworth, Downey, Hiddleston, Jackson…that is only scratching the surface. It could be an actor, a producer, a fucking assistant for all that mattered. He shouldn’t have cared, but his heart is telling him otherwise. He cared…a lot and his heart ached immensely as tears finally cascaded down her soft rosy cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I—shouldn’t have come. I made a mistake.” He backtracked, fumbling back as he slipped on his shoes half of his feet in as he bolted out the door without a second glance. Anger, embarrassment and shock rose within him as he got in his car leaving Xianghua collapsed in her flat in complete wreck.