Clarity

This was by far the hardest thing Ben had to do in his entire life. Stroking up the courage to tell the truth to one of the sweetest women he has ever met and a complete privilege to be with. Deirdre smiled cheerfully at him not knowing what to expect when he arrived at her home so late the next day.

He had gone it over in his head so many times and each time sounded more obscure than the next. The painful smile etched on his face might have given him a touch of concern from Deirdre as she held his cheek so tenderly asking what was wrong. His heart trembled at the thought of hurting this woman. Why didn’t he break it off after the first or second date?

It would have been so easy then, he didn’t grow attach to her, he was closed off and all she did was give him sweet smiles. Inhaling deeply, Deirdre saw the shakiness of her boyfriend and pushed him to the nearest seat available.

Kneeling in front of him, she cupped his face in her hands as her soothing gentle voice rang in his ears, “What’s the matter, love?” He couldn’t think; quite honestly he hasn’t been thinking properly since Xianghua left. Ben had the audacity of wearing the gift Xianghua sent him on New Year’s, what kind of asshole did that?

He felt like a dick knowing that he had hidden feelings towards Xianghua while Deirdre complimented on the sweater. The older woman didn’t mind that he got gifts from women, she didn’t mind that he zoned out far more times than usual.

Her patience seemed to go beyond his expectations and he has to say that she’s a beautiful woman inside and out, but not for him.

“I have to tell you something, very important.” He slowly drawled breath, his clammy hands clasped with hers to give him the courage to speak the truth. The prediction of what might happen after he confessed possibly leave him bloody, but a better man for it. Ben can’t stand leading her on anymore.

Deirdre squeezed his hands in reassurance as if saying ‘I’m here for you’ which only made his heart constrict at her unneeded comfort. Ben stumbled over his words in the beginning feeling his heart rapidly race in his chest before he had the courage to look in her eyes and confess every pore in his body that he is in love with someone else.

The sparkle that was in her eyes dimmed as a look of shock and somewhat understanding came from her. He progressed with his monologue sharing his deepest thoughts of how he felt about her, about the situation in hand and how his deepest apologies won’t conjure how apologetic he felt.

Tears blurred his vision as he felt her hands tremble in his; gripping her hands tightly he expected her to flinch away from him. Instead her brown locks covered her face; she pressed her forehead against their intertwined hands as soft sobs came from her. Ben repeated apologies with a mixture of tears only slurred his speech.

He saw her as a friend, a close friend that actually would be great to have if not for their relationship. His voice shook with guilt as he whispered, “I don’t deserve you—never did and I don’t expect you to accept my apologies.”

Deirdre sniffled, voice raw with emotion, “I thought…this was going to be something. I didn’t know what to expect being with you and it blindsided me that you are in love with her. She’s a great girl; sweet, but for you to do this. To cheat on me. This moment just proves to me that we aren’t meant to be together no matter how much I wanted it.”

Tugging at their hands he released her as she stood up wiping away her fresh tears. “Now that I look back I can clearly see you are in love with her. The way you look at her and the way she talked about you…there’s something there. I’m just rambling here and I’m going to keep rambling until you leave.”

Giving him a sign to take his leave; Ben stood up. “Holding in your anger never resolves anything-”

“Get out.” Surprisingly staying calm, Deirdre walked him out before slamming the door.

Ben winced at the power of the slam; he wanted her to unleash that anger out on him and instead she’s taking it out on herself. He saw the hurt flash in her eyes and blaming herself for not seeing it sooner. He should have told her sooner, broke it off sooner.

It’s not the case and with red puffy eyes he took his leave. Walking down those snowy steps, rapid footsteps came from behind and right when he whipped around his body collided with the ground.

“That is for being a jerk!” Deirdre’s voice rang in his ears before he heard another slam of her door.

Groaning on the pavement, he turned on his side assessing his jaw with his fingers. Grimacing at the throbbing pain his mind didn’t fully understand what happened. Did she punch him? He thought she was more of the lines of a slapping type of woman, but she surprised him almost daily.

Deirdre the woman of many talents.

Holding his jaw he got up spitting blood onto the street, his teeth broke cheek tissue when she swung at him. Sitting in his car in shock, he sat there for a while before he mindlessly started to drive off.

He needed time for himself even though he fought off urges to see Xianghua. It’s best not to find her or he might find himself with another bloody lip. The man cursed when he realized that he is starring in a play that week with Paty with little to no preparation on his part.

Diving into his work, he pressed the cold pack of veggies on his swollen cheek for the time being. Days went by before he left for the theatre.

Paty was full of laughter and shock when she saw his bruised face, “I’m sorry Ben, but you bloody deserved it, you git!” Slapping his shoulder intentions well deserved as he felt his beloved friend pat make-up on him. He knew she brushed his cheek harshly at times to teach him a lesson.

“Then again, it’s my fault.” She mumbled, her chocolate eyes focused on the purple skin. “I thought you needed someone in order to move on when you clearly weren’t. I should’ve just intervened, but I knew you two would get on so well.” She pouted, Ben patting her wrist in reassurance.

She’s always looking out for his wellbeing and he is grateful for her. No one has been there for him like Paty has and with Martin gone most of the time filling The Hobbit; he didn’t know who to turn to except her. “Did Deirdre tell you what happened?” His eyes avoided hers as she hummed in response.

“Every.single.detail.” Each word she blotched his skin harshly before she smoothly even out the base. “I’m proud of you though. You at least told her instead of her finding you in bed with Xi. Not that I don’t root for Chris and Xi; I find that she’s a work in progress with her feelings. For moving on.”

This is the second time Ben has heard that Xianghua hasn’t completely moved on. It surprised him that she actually still harbors feelings for him after being turned down.

Paty gave him a knowing look daring him not to do anything stupid; since the moment their beloved quiet Xi returned he has been acting like a fool. Keeping a tight lid he didn’t say a word as she finished with his make up for the night.

Warming up his voice with Paty, he chuckled when she stretched her mouth to loosen them up as she said before patting him on the back wishing him good luck. The low murmurs of the crowd sent his heart pumping as he stood behind the curtains, settling in his place. Honing on the character he is to portray he didn’t think about anything else.

The curtains slowly pulled away revealing the cast and the low murmurs abruptly silenced. Eyes fondly gazed at the stage, some with hearts in their eyes and dreamy sighs. Blaring lights blinded him for a moment before he turned his head on cue and fed his line to his costar.

As the scenes continued to roll in, he naturally became the person he set out to be. Never mind that Deirdre gave him a reminder of what he has done or his overflowing feelings towards a certain onyx haired woman. He did notice that she reverted to her natural hair color on her return to London, not that he complimented her on it.

When Paty strolled onto the stage, he could hear the cheers, whistles from the crowd. Probably Tom if he didn’t know better. Shifting his stance, his gaze caught a few of the audience members before training his eyes on Paty. Focused on the task at hand.

Xianghua quietly stared in awe as she watched Ben perform. It has felt like a lifetime since she has seen his acting skills and this became a quick reminder of her of what he is capable of. Her days have been filled with Tom and Chris, her fatigue almost catching up to her from her flight back from Boston. She thought taking a holiday with Chris would be nice after New Year’s given she needed a break from everyone.

Meeting his family was a huge step, a step that she wasn’t prepared to take and happened suddenly. Chris didn’t expect it either as they bumped into his sister who invited Xianghua over for their traditional family dinner.

Never meeting any of her boyfriend’s family before she grew weary only to be welcomed by open arms, her time spent with the Evans family was by far her expectations and she finally got to be the beloved beast, East. The lovable dog that she missed dearly and coddled to her leaving Chris in a pout.

Fighting a yawn, she felt a hand over hers. Offering a smile to Tom who partook in the whistling when his fiancée walked on stage, she merely clapped for her appearance. She will leave the whistling to Tom. Sitting in the first few rows, dead center she felt Ben glance at the audience when he reared his view towards another cast member.

Her heart skipped a beat when she thought they locked eyes only for him to turn like nothing happened. Xianghua felt her shoulders relax at the gesture, it has been Tom’s offer to take her here for support and she couldn’t recline after promising herself that Ben shouldn’t dictate her life around her friends.

He is a part of the circle she’s in so she better get used to it.

Once the play was over, she took a deep breath when Tom stood up from his seat offering her a hand. “Why don’t we wait for them outside?” Xianghua clasped her hand in his, nodding before letting him lead the wait out. Standing off to the side where they were subtly hidden from the leaving crowd, they waited twenty minutes before the actors started to pour out.

Tom wasted no time jumping on his feet and racing towards his fiancée, twirling her about and praising her on her performance. Xianghua fixed her pleated skirt that fell to her knees before slowly making her way towards the trio.

Ben’s back was to her noticing the brown tuffs of hair on his head, clearly cut for this role. Making her way around him she praised Paty on her performance before focusing on Ben. He stiffly stood there as she gave him a tight smile, “You were amazing. I forgot how good of an actor you are.” A flush of pink appeared on his cheeks as he mumbled his gratitude.

Paty smirked at the two about to intervene when Tom suggested they celebration on the opening. Xianghua shook her head, “I don’t think so. Tom we have a big day tomorrow filled with interviews and a photo-shoot. I came back from holiday to get you back on track.” Tom jutted out his lower lip in a childish pout, “Off you go.” She laughed at his gesture.

The future bride rubbed his chest lovingly whispering something in his ears along the lines of staying home, but not getting a lot of sleep. Xianghua didn’t need to know what she said as he slyly grinned before rushing off with his fiancée.

Shaking her head at the two, she glanced at Ben not knowing what to do. Obviously tired, Ben coughed uncomfortably. “Did Tom bring you?” It is then that she realized that she shooed off her only ride and leaving most of her money at home thanks to her jet lag, she grimaced.

“Yeah, I did.”

Ben took this opportunity to offer her a lift and she quickly declined like he anticipated. “I insist.” His offsetting blue eyes left her breathless as she is rendered on why she loved his eyes so much. Not only were they beautiful, but they were expressive. Trust and reassurance in his eyes left her speechless as she nodded in confirmation.

Giving her a smile he led her to his motorbike and she nibbled her lip. This wouldn’t be the first time she rode with him, but it still left her trembling afterwards. She’s not used to traveling in speed and exposure, the wind in her face as evidence.

Handing her a helmet, he gave her shoulder a soft squeeze. “I promise not to go fast. We’ll have you home before you know it.” He knew her small fear of motorbikes and as he swung his leg over he waited for her to do the same. Xianghua blushed as she timidly walked over after adjusting the helmet on her head.

Her heel loudly hitting the side of his motorbike leaving him chuckling at her attempt of getting on. “You need to swing higher.” Since she is wearing a skirt, she tried to be as modest as possible not to flash him and when he gestured with his arm for her to swing over, he turned his back to her to give her a sense of privacy.

Clumsily, she succeeded in getting on, her feet shifting to find her footing. Only being on the bike once, Ben naturally her left calf and placed it on the footing before repeating with the other side. He couldn’t hear the hitch in her breath when his large hand gently grabbed her leg sending chills all over her body.

“Remember how to hold on?”

Biting her lip, she held onto his torso not to tightly to gesture she knew. “Also whenever I lean, you lean in the same direction.” When he revved the engine to life, she jumped. Her hold became constricting on his ribs with her body meshed against his back. Patting her hand gently for reassurance, he sped off.

He loved the rush he got when he was on his bike, the wind in his face and the control he had. Every pore in his body wished for him to go faster, but for the sake of the woman choking him like a boa constrictor he refused his urge. Ben felt a little nervous when the first time appeared remembering the first time she rode she turned in the opposite direction that almost had them crash.

His shoulders eased when her body leaned with him, it shouldn’t have surprised him since her body is glued to his at the moment. Her head is placed against his shoulder and if he knew her, her eyes are tightly shut.

As they arrived to her flat, he eased on the gas, sitting up straighter it gave her the signal the ride is over. Her hands still bound to him as his legs propelled back to the curb of the street before he cut off the engine. Taking off his helmet, he breathed out a laugh as he wheezed, “You can let go now.”

The soreness of his ribs thanked the released as she clambered off onto the street. Face flushed with embarrassment as she mumbled an apology. He dismissed it thinking it deserved it, having sore ribs along with a bruised jaw, wonderful. Not thinking of his jaw, his fingers brushed against it, he winced. Xianghua got on as she took several steps towards him in worry.

“I didn’t hit you, did I?”

Ben bitterly laughed, “No. This is from another woman.”

Xianghua somberly stared as she recalled what Paty told her hours prior. “Oh? What happened?” She wanted to hear it from him and when he explained what happened with Deirdre, she truthfully told him, “You deserved it.” And he did with the actions he has been pulling for the last month.

Then compassion started to rise to the surface, sighing softly, she waved him over. “Come inside, I have a few remedies to get rid of bruising.” Without fighting, Ben followed her quietly as they made their way up to her flat in what felt like years. When he stepped in, he smelled the fresh incense of timber and felt immediately at home.

Following her to the kitchen, he watched her work crushing a few leaves making a green paste before settling it on the countertop. Xianghua took a wet paper towel and gently wiped his face. More compassion than Paty ever gave him and made him feels worse.

Her eyes avoided his as she tended to him. Placing the towel down, she rubbed the paste on his bruise telling him the instructions that will reduce the time of recovery by half. Thanking her, he had so many words to say, but refraining from saying too much too soon.

“I miss you.”

His eyes widened at her confession leaving him speechless as she shifted on her feet. “I miss being around you. I admit it was a lot easier when we were just friends, but it doesn’t erase the fact that I miss having you around. I was so used to being around you all the time that I had to occupy myself even more to notice that you weren’t there and that lead me to a relationship, one that I couldn’t be more than grateful for. I want us to be friends, to be at a level where it’s not weird around one another. I would love for us to be at that place, but we never will if we keep our distance.”

Ben felt his jaw tighten as words spilled from her mouth; he wanted so much more with her. They were just friends it was amazing, the boundaries, the secrets were shared and a level of intimacy they had disappeared when she told him how she felt.

Now trying to reclaim that…it’s going to be difficult.

Hiding his agenda of claiming her heart once more; he simply said, “I would love nothing more than being friends.”

Xianghua knew it’s never that simple and in the pit of her stomach she felt like something big is about to happen.