Clarity

“I love you. Goddamn it I love you so much.” The mixture of blue and hazel glossed over in tears, his bottom lip quivered. So many emotions rose from those eyes, the same ones that have been haunting her for years and having him look at her in such a way only made her heart soar.

A sick flutter bubbled in her stomach as the tight knot increased. Xianghua didn’t know what to think as he confessed his love to her, waiting for her to respond. Her voice caught in her throat as she thought of the millions of words that can describe what she is feeling at the moment. All sense of happiness excelled beyond her expectations as tears rolled down her cheeks.

She simply said, “I love you too.” No other words can describe what she is feeling at the moment.

Watery smile met with hers as he cupped her face with his large hands giving her comfort and warmth that she always wanted from him. His soft lips crashed into hers sending her heart into a maddening frenzy, a soft moan escaped her lips as he pulled her close.

She never wanted this to end.

As quick as it came it came crashing down. What about Chris? What is she doing? Her mind wanted her to pull away, but her body refused to.

Get away from him; he’s not the one you want.

Yes, yes he is. He’s the one I have been waiting for and now I can finally have him.

Xianghua pulled away to meet the handsome and loving face of Ben, a part of her wanted to look away to remind herself of her relationship with Chris. Every memory that she had of Chris didn’t matter at the moment, her heart swelled with happiness as his thumb lovingly stroked her cheek.

“Xianghua.” His soft baritone voice shook her body to the core, sending goose bumps across her skin. Leaning against his palm she embraced his warmth as she felt his soft lips on hers again, indescribable emotions filled her and a large smile appeared on her lips.

Barely separating their lips, he took another breath before kissing her repeatedly. Taking her in his arms, she could feel the contentment in his voice as he said, “I’m glad that you chose me. Chose our family.” Xianghua is lost, family? What family? Ben pressed his hand on her belly that suddenly became larger in the blink of an eye or has she been pregnant from the start?

Staring down in awe, her stomach did weird tuck and rolls, gasping in shock, Ben excitedly pressed his hand on her stomach. “She moved! Our baby girl moved.”

Nothing made sense to her anymore as a swirl of emotions twisted into her heart. Barely speaking a word, she only focused on the loving sound coming from Ben as he focused on their child. Taking his hand in hers, she pushed her confusion aside when tears sprouted from his eyes again.

“I think this child will do us good after what happened.”

Xianghua paused hearing the despair in his voice, her own voice barely coming out in a whisper, “What—happened?” Silence met her as he grimly told her the one thing she never thought she would hear.

“Your mother died, Xi.”

A loud scream erupted from her, body shooting out of the bed leaving Chris in a panic. Falling from his side, he quickly flew over to her side as she flopped around. Wild crazy eyes met his as he held her down, “Xianghua, babe, you need to calm down.”

Xianghua struggled against his grip, something tight constricted her chest, and she tried to gasp for her. Clawing for air, Chris released her turning on the lamp beside the bed before coaxing her to breathe slowly, “Take long deep breaths. Inhale with me,” taking a deep breath through his nostrils, he watched her do the same, “exhale.” Air spilled from their lips at the same time. Chris coached her to do this several times, finally seeing the progress.

“It’s okay.” he kept repeating, hoping that he is reminding her that whatever she dreamt about is nothing, but a dream.

Licking her dry lips, her body trembled. “W-what happened?” Cobalt eyes softened, his warm embraced filled her as he gently told her that she had a panic attack. Xianghua nodded knowing that he suffers through them more than the average person and through training; he can pull himself through one.

His strong arms made her relax in his hold; a few tears trickled down her pale cheeks. She didn’t want to think or talk about what she dreamt of; was it just a dream or some type of foreshadowing of her future? It worried her not only because her mother died, but she was pregnant with Benedict’s child? The way they treated each other, the way he looked at her—the same look he gives her now.

Xianghua cuddled closer to Chris as fear gripped her once again. Where was Chris in all of this? Why wasn’t it him? She loves Chris; he’s the first man that actually treated her right. He’s willing to move to another country for her and she dreams of her former crush?

There is a possibility she had Ben in her mind because of the exchange him and Chris had the night before.

Chris crushed her against his chest as she tightly clutched onto him like a security blanket. Inhaling the comforting scent of Chris, she let him lull her to sleep as he softly rocked her reminding her that nothing is going to happen to her.

As he whispers soft reassurances, something in the back part of her mind pondered, who’s going to protect you?

_ _ _

“How is house hunting?” Paty kind curious eyes wandered to her friend as Xianghua carefully watched Ben and Chris stay off to the side, talking.

It struck a chord to see them acting so nonchalant. Chris invited Ben to the other part of the furniture store wanting his opinion on something; it must be man code for ‘I want to talk to you without my girlfriend hovering over us.’ Worried, Xianghua couldn’t keep her eyes off of the two as they sat at the edges of the bed.

Chris hunched over, elbows on his knees with his head facing Ben’s, she can hardly see his facial expressions from where she is standing, but she can see that his back is slightly tense. Ben’s legs were crossed as if he is guarding himself, his fist under his chin as his lips moved, he too uncomfortable.

“This is too much. Maybe we should go.” Xianghua looked over at Paty who frowned as she focused on the two. The friend dismissed the idea explaining to her that this might be the time where the two can clear the air around them.

“Clearly Ben has a thing for you and Chris sees it. He probably wants to know where he stands in all of this. Set some boundaries.”

She knew that Chris has been extremely overprotective since the robbery and it only increased when her nightmares or dreams have been plaguing her. They have gotten worse. Most of them focused on her and Ben as a couple, some with a child on the way, some didn’t. There were some of her getting attacked during a robbery and is left to die.

Each dream started to get more violent than the next and she didn’t know what to do. She finds comfort in Chris’ arms and slowly drifts off to sleep again or pretends to afraid of becoming a victim of her nightmares.

Nibbling on her bottom red lip, she drew out a breath, “I hope he isn’t being too rough on him.”

Paty didn’t know who she was referring to, but she had a hunch of who it might be. Sealing her lips tightly she only gazed at the men as Ben now sat up straight, uncrossed his legs with his feet placed flat on the ground.

It only took a few moments for Chris to do the same; the two stared at each other.

Xianghua’s stomach tightened into a ball as the two men stood up from their seats and headed right towards them, towards her. Naturally she took a step back, flabbergasted when the two heated gazed at her.

“Xi, you need to choose. I can’t-” Chris stood in front of Ben, blocking him from her view to gain her full attention. His crystal blue eyes peering down at her praying that she has an answer to their dilemma. “I’ve always knew your past with Ben, your feelings per say and I just want the reassurance that you are past that. The way you look at him gives me another vibe…I don’t want to sound like a prick, but I don’t want to dive any further until I am certain about this.”

Quietly observing the pleading in his voice, his eyes and his face made her heart ache. Why is it making her heart ache? Is it guilt? She didn’t know. Pondering only made it worse, the panic set in Chris’ eyes as her eyes started to water. “I-I…don’t know what to say. This is all so sudden.”

“What you feel for me,” Ben pushed through, taking a stand for what he believed to be true. His expectation is to get her to realize one or two things, she loves him back or she loves Chris. He agreed with Chris, he can’t bear not knowing anymore, the question always hanging above his head. Xianghua is difficult to read, there were no signs with her, she’s beyond caring and she didn’t flirt, that isn’t what she intends to do. It’s just her.

“What you feel for me…is it still there? In your heart? Because if it is…I want you, I want all of you and I may be pushing it, but I can’t take it. How you hid your feelings for me for so long, I don’t know how you did it because I don’t have the same amount of control as you do. I just want to know the truth.”

Xianghua didn’t know where Paty is in all of this, usually the woman would come bombarding into the conversation especially with her boyfriend and friend demanding her to choose. One or the other, she can’t have both, she didn’t realize she had both until then. In some level, she has been stringing Ben along and Chris too.

“I need some time.” She apologized, never in her life has she felt worse than today. She had to make a decision, a part of her knew it was coming, her heart tried to tell her mind in numerous of occasions, but she never listened, she refused to.

Clutching her head, she took a shaky step back. Shaking her head, she excused herself as she tucked into a corner and felt all of her stomach turn upside. Before she knew it, the contents of her stomach spilled from her mouth.