Clarity

She refused.

With every fiber of her being refused to come out of her room. Panic, confusion, nevertheless rage welled up within her. Never in her life has she been confronted like that and to think the two twats did it publicly. It took a matter of a day for new rumors, no, stories to be spread across the country.

So many patrons of the furniture store claimed to have heard Ben and Chris fighting before they stormed over demanding why she was using them; Chris while filming the Avengers and Ben when she returned.

Somehow these ghastly stories spilled that she compromised to have a three way to compensate for her devious ways. Of course in the stories Chris and Ben were mainly the victims, people advising them to leave Xianghua for good. That she didn’t deserve a second chance and has been a whore all along. All three of them had their dating history displayed.

Chris reportedly separating from his longtime girlfriend, Julie to hook up with Xianghua, not true because if she remembered correctly they broke up a few years prior to Xianghua meeting him. As for Ben, it was wild how vicious the media desperately wanted the details of the split of him and Deirdre that she refused to tell.

Last, but not least, hers, the countless actors she has been linked to, Tom, of course, the entire cast of the Avengers, Matt Smith, Lenny Kravitz, Michael Fassbender, the list goes on and on. Every single person man or woman has been speculated for a one night stand.

The poor woman couldn’t help herself when she typed in her name on the Google search engine. She felt like she had to when her and her parents watched the news ridiculing their daughter. Emptiness ate away at her, tears always flowing down her cheeks; her hair is a complete mess, oily from the lack of showering twisted up into some type of bun, a stained grey sweater that swallowed her with joggers to match.

Face make-up free, naked and exposed just like how she feels at the moment.

It’s been a week since the declaration from Chris and Ben went viral and seven days of them leaving messages filled with apologies. Her thumb started to automatically delete them after the fourth message. She wanted to think, but for the life of her couldn’t.

Flashes from her past appear in her mind before it goes completely blank. The pain of attempting to understand their motives is aggravating. To her, in her state of mind she wanted to think they were trying to be thoughtful, romantic, kind and understanding.

Bitterness pulsed through her at the thought, they were the complete opposite. The two are the most selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate, moronic men she has ever met. If she came to that conclusion she wouldn’t have been so impulsive. Xianghua would think things through not wanting that person to feel cornered and trapped like her.

Why couldn’t she have loved Ian Bellay? Things would have been far simpler. The sweet chess nerd that had a crush on her in high school, she wished her love life were that simple. The shy touches, timid smiles, flushed cheeks and innocent, sweet gestures meant for affection. But she didn’t love him and honestly told him despite feeling guilty afterwards.

Ian was heartbroken and couldn’t manage to stay friends with her. It was too difficult. In a way she felt like that is what is going to happen whether temporarily or permanently she needed to embrace it.

“Sweetheart, some woman name Susan wishes to speak to you.” Kala’s sweet voice echoed through her room. Pursing her lips, she flipped onto her back as she granted permission.

Susan appears moments after, smiling gently, “You look like crap.”

Jealousy swirled through her seeing the effortless look that Susan can pull off while she looked like a trash bin or particularly probably smelled like one. “Thanks, I was going for that.” She said dryly. “Wish to revoke your offer? I don’t blame you if you do.”

Susan scoffed, taking a seat next to Xianghua, her body caved under her weight tilting the miserable woman towards her. “Please, scandals break out all the time. You are unfortunately in the wheel house right now. Your talent speaks volumes and I am not going to be a fool and cut you lose over something so petty. They overshadow the robbery with this love triangle? The media needs to get their priorities straight.”

Patting Xianghua’s head, she grimaced, “You’re all sweaty and oily. You should wash yourself, but not before this,” snatching the phone, she took a couple of shots, sending the message to Chris and Ben depicting the picture with a caption underneath, ‘Your messages are driving me up the wall. Give me some space!’

The incessant text stopped leaving Susan in a grin. “So easy to shut a man up. Now tell Auntie Suzy what happened because the media is bullshit.”

Xianghua sighed as she gave the condensed version of her story. Advice from Susan? Punch them like what Deirdre did to Ben. They deserve it. Seeing that Xianghua and her family are being hounded by the paparazzi, Susan offers for her to stay with her for the rest of the day to plan what she is going to do pertaining to Ben and Chris.

The woman had to choose and it’s a hard decision either way. Susan is really glad she has never been in this predicament and hopefully Xianghua will never have this again. Forcing her to take a shower, Susan disguised Xianghua as much as possible tossing pants and a shirt her way.

Xianghua got emotional when she noticed the cargo pants and flannel shirt Chris bought for her back in the States. Forcing back the tears, she quickly dressed, tucking her long hair into a baseball cap and lowering it over her face. Getting the approval of passing off as a man, Xianghua hugged her parents before heading out with dozens of pictures being taken asking if they knew any information about Xianghua or the crazy life she lived.

Thankfully they didn’t realize it was her, relief is what she felt and sliding into the car next to Susan. Pulling away after making their escape, laughter filled the car. “My life is so fucked up.” She groaned, squeezing her eyes in aggravation.

“It’s going to get more fucked up before it gets better. How are you going to deal with the boys? You can’t have them wait forever.”

“I can’t? I don’t want to make a decision yet.”

“Xianghua being childish and selfish? Doesn’t suit you one bit.”

“I know. I’m gutted about the decision I have to make, but it might be for the best.”

Parking the car into her garage, Susan turned to Xianghua in full surprise, “You already made your decision?” Xianghua gave her a watery smile.

“I had my mind made up six days ago.”

“…and you made them wait? Oh, girl, you are good.”

She couldn’t agree saying it was bloody awful for her to make them wait, but she just didn’t know how to tell them. The worst thing she could do is butcher this delicate matter and putting it off for a week made sense to her that it somehow might soften the blow, to have them see that she thought things through.

“Who are you going to tell first? Obviously you aren’t going to talk to them together.” Xianghua nodded before telling her it is natural for her to talk to Chris first because he is her boyfriend after all.

Surprisingly she felt calm when she called Chris first, never thinking he would answer in the first ring, their conversation was short and sweet. Xianghua quickly explained where she was and he immediately told her that he is on his way. Susan sat with Xianghua holding her hand for comfort, when the bell rang; Susan peaked from her window to see no paparazzi behind Chris.

“Coast is clear.”

Opening the door, her breath was taken away. Seeing him after seven days took a huge toll on her, but forced herself to step aside for him to come in. Once the door was closed, Xianghua immediately embraced him muttering how much she missed him, “I’m so sorry that I have been ignoring you for the past week after all you have done for me. Flying out here to be with me only for me to disappear…it wasn’t right.”

“No, I understand. It was selfish and stupid for me to say those things, out in public of all places. So many emotions went through me when I had that heart to heart with Ben and it pissed me off that-” Chris paused when he saw a head pop from the corner, brown eyes peeking through, no shame etched on her features.

“Why don’t we go somewhere private.” She muttered, clutching onto his arm, pulling him away from a pouting woman that muttered that she is going to hear it anyways.

Reaching to her guest room, shutting the door behind her, she was met with unexpected news. “We are never going to work out…are we?” Chris’ doubtful tone hit her ears as she froze in her spot, her back facing him. Fingers barely off the handle of the door, she asked what he meant.

“I mean, our relationship was doomed from the start. Not because of the long distance, I think we could have managed, probably would have a life here. This would have been perfect if you didn’t already love Ben.” Chris watched her shoulders tense, twisting her around so their eyes met, he confessed, “I knew about your issues with Ben, you candidly told me so and when you said you moved on, I believed you. I honestly did until…”

He took a deep breath, composing himself again as he saw her eyes gloss with tears, “until Ben practically announced how deeply in love with you he has been. I always have my doubts when in a relationship and it phased me when he told me that he loves you. I already knew that you might take him back if our love wasn’t deep enough and when your eyes sparkled—I knew I already lost you. Hell, I never had you in the first place. But I know this much, you tried and I know that you love me, but not as much as Ben. I love you so much, Xi, like I never felt this way about a woman before and we are so much alike it drives me crazy how insanely comfortable I am with you.”

“But let’s not kid ourselves; let’s not drag this any longer than it’s supposed to. Please, don’t cry.” He softly murmured, tears rolling down their cheeks. High on emotions and the inevitable departure of their relationship hit them. His lips pressed passionately on her forehead before sadly gazing at her. “I hope someday I can be friends with you, laugh with you again and just be chill, but right now it hurts too much. Please understand this.”

Utterly speechless, Xianghua gaped with puffy eyes and flushed cheeks, stiffly nodding her head she reached out again and he hugged her tightly. Inhaling his scent, she trembled in his arms as she felt their relationship sever. Only in the next few moments, she walks out with Chris clear of tears, but evidence of it all on their features as they waved to one another.

Susan instantly is by her side, holding her closely as she sobbed, “I need a minute.” Understanding what she meant, she whispered that she can have all the time in the world to mourn the loss of a relationship and a friendship that she held dearly.

It took almost all day for Xianghua to call Ben, still distraught over Chris she didn’t want Ben to be in suspense any longer. Pushing back fresh tears, she sat beside Ben on the staircase not wanting to use the same room twice.

Silence simmered, wringing her hands before she had the courage to speak. “All I want you to do is listen to what I have to say, no interruptions.” Glancing at the man sitting before her, mind frazzled and anxious with her decision, she swallowed a gulp of air. “When I first met you I thought you were the most fascinating man in the world, the way you held yourself, the way you spoke was unworldly to me. You were breathtaking in your being and I felt a distinct pull to be with you all the time. I was so ecstatic that you hired me not only because I desperately needed a job, but because I get to be around someone like you.”

“It’s already tough in this world meeting people who are brash, cold, thoughtless and rude so to have worked with you was a pleasure. You are warm and inviting, mistakenly over time I fell hard for you and you thoughtfully turned me down. I do commend you for it, it put me in a perspective that we are so different, an odd couple that I needed to be around someone a little more like me. That is when I met Chris.” Her eyes softened sending him to a panic, did she choose Chris? Is this where it was going? He never felt this nervous in his whole life.

“He is perfect for me in every way, we are so compatible it blew my mind and then you had to say those things, you confessed to me that you love me. After the drunken stupor you had and kissed me, I pushed those things aside,” she ignored his surprised look at her unraveling his true nature that night. “It started to make me think, dammit you made me consider everything . I had to refuse it because you don’t deserve me, I need someone better, I want someone who will appreciate and love me and not fight themselves and be so impulsive about it.”

Xianghua exhaled, tired of all of this already and not wanting to drag this on more than it needed to. “I decided to choose neither of you. Chris isn’t the one for me…you’re not the one for me. To be so rash and absolutely mad about your decisions when it came to me has been…insane! We shouldn’t be together; we couldn’t.”

Watching his features cross from one emotion to another twisted her heart, each and every word she said only made her feel guilty.

“May I speak?” Xianghua gave him permission as he shifted his weight to prepare for what he wants to say. “First and far most, I cannot believe you thought that we couldn’t or shouldn’t be together because of our differences. I wouldn’t want to be with someone too similar to me because it would take that spark out of the life we live in. Yes, I have been impulsive when it came to you, but isn’t that a good thing? It shows how much I love you, how I can’t think when you are around and I simply could care less of my actions. I feel bolder when I am with you, more confident and at ease-”

Fighting the urge to kiss him and dissolve that pitiful face that he has at the moment, Xianghua cursed under her breath, listening to his words not knowing when she should cut in. Then it struck her, if he can be impulsive so can she.

Cupping his cheek while the other hand curled around his head knotting into his head of curls, she pulled him in. Heatedly kissing him, she scooted closer to him feeling her heart burst like it did when he drunkenly kissed her that night. As much as she wanted to deny it, she wanted him, she loves him.

She felt at ease when he is around, more confident, all those things he described is what she feels on a daily basis when she is around him. A fire ignited in the pit of her belly and spread like wildfire, smiling into the kiss, she parted from him, lips barely touching as she whispers, “I can be impulsive too.” Diving into another kiss, Ben felt less off guard as his fingers weaved into her hair molding his body with hers.

Susan idly sat on the couch hearing the soft kisses and moans echo from the staircase. Face purely disgusted, she felt elated that Xianghua didn’t make a stupid decision and listened to her heart, for once. “As long as they don’t have sex on that staircase, I’m good.” Reaching for her remote, she increased the volume on her television before relaxing on the plush cushions.