Clarity

“Good morning!” Xianghua mustered up a smile as she greeted Benedict.

His eyes flickered towards her for a split second before greeting her in the same manner. Xianghua placed the tea she was holding in her hands into his before plucking her Blackberry from her purse and started to rant about his busy scheduled day.

From time to time, her eyes met up with his indicating that the information was received.

“Thank you. We best be going for my first appointment, hm?” Xianghua eagerly nodded as her heels pivoted towards the door.

Benedict felt tension between the two of them as they were on their way to their first destination of the day. It’s only been a few days since the abrupt confession that spilled out of the young woman’s mouth. He could still hear her tiny voice rip through his ears at the declaration of her love for him.

He was aware of her feelings for a long time now. Xianghua was subtle with her affection towards him; she wasn’t obvious like many other women. The woman didn’t flaunt her body, change her clothes for desperate attention or accidentally brush her hands against his body.

No, it was the shy smiles that she sent his way. The way her body responded to his when he placed his hand on her back when he escorts her any place. The small things were what made him realize over time that her feelings were not small. They grew tremendously.

Benedict didn’t actually think she would muster up the courage to actually say something; he thought she would tuck her thoughts away for keepsake and hoped that they would go away. Xianghua always hide most of her true feelings and always listened. God did that woman listen to every single complaint he had.

She would cling to every single word that he spewed out whether out of sadness, anger or happiness she would respond rationally. Her thoughts were thoughtfully processed when shared and he admired that. Xianghua was one of the most controlled women that he has ever met.

Benedict honestly doesn’t know what he would be without her. How he randomly met her in a parking structure and slowly becoming friends before blindly hiring her as his assistant. Xianghua excelled in organization and helping him keep his life in order. Glancing at her rapid fingers typing away in her Blackberry, Benedict bit his lip wondering if he should say something.

The silence between them was killing him. It was sinking into his skin, tearing every inch of his skin to force him to say something.

“Xiangh-” He was interrupted by her voice as she quickly answered the phone.

“Hello? Yes, we are nearly there. We’ll see you soon.” Deep pools of brown darted over to the anxious man beside her. “Was there something you wanted, Ben?”

A small string felt like it wrapped around his vocal cords restricting him from saying much. “Um. No—it’s nothing.” He sighed softly when they arrived at their destination. Sliding out of the car, he waited for Xianghua to follow suit.

The fitted blazer and skirt suited well for her body type, her lean and small figure sauntered beside him. Something he didn’t notice before and her signature red lips shined brightly from her olive tone skin. Xianghua always groomed well no matter what she was wearing. Not once as he ever seen her wear pants now that he thought about it.

She always wore skirts and dresses; he didn’t even know if she owned any pants or shorts in her household. That was something he shouldn’t be focused on, but it was something else other than the fact that he hurt her deeply.

The tinged of sadness in her dark brown eyes were evident; the distance between them made everything so real. Xianghua stood a few feet away from him, a professional business distance unlike the friend atmosphere the two used to have.

“Ben? Ben? Are you okay?” A small hand touched his bicep. His eyes immediately lowered to the small woman in front of him. When he confirmed he was alright, she didn’t look convinced this time.

Pursing her lips, she stiffly nodded before leading the way towards the office of his manager. The hallway was easily recognizable as they weaved their way through the corridor. Sipping on his tea to regain some of his senses he took quicker steps and caught up with Xianghua instantly.

His long legs compensated when his dearly beloved friend took hasty steps ahead of him. Stepping into the office of his manager, Audrey Burns, the blonde woman smiled at the two. “Xianghua. Ben. Nice to see that you showed up on time.”

“We always do, Audrey.” Benedict trailed off when he saw Xianghua sit on the couch against the wall instead of the seat beside him. Audrey noticed the sudden change, but dismissed it.

“I’m assuming Xianghua filled you in on the offers that were sent my way for you to consider.” Benedict nodded as he kept glancing at Xianghua who thoroughly took notes during the meeting.

His thoughts were elsewhere when Audrey proceeded with the potential offers that he might be interested in. Audrey glanced at both parties; she sent Xianghua a smile asking if she could get her some more coffee. Xianghua complied as she excused herself and quietly closed the door behind her.

Then her eyes focused on the man in front of her. “Are things good between you and Xianghua?”

Ben looked a little startled at the sudden question. He recomposed himself and answered assertively. “Of course. Everything is absolutely fine.” Benedict watched the disapproving look on Audrey’s face become more pronounce.

“It’s none of my business what goes on between you and Xianghua, but if it’s going to affect your train of thought-”

“Everything is fine, Audrey. I can promise you that.”

“You seem pretty sure of yourself.”

“That’s because I am.” Benedict quipped back. He didn’t think she would have noticed the tension between the two despite Xianghua creating the physical distance. He didn’t think Audrey would actually step into the personal boundaries of the friendship between him and Xianghua.

The two had a very sacred friendship that no one never really questioned. Everyone around them knew that they were platonic and nothing would become of them. That was of course diminished when the rift was dug in.

Benedict only ran a tired hand down his face as he continued the day with a quiet assistant by his side.

“Xianghua.”

The petite woman turned around in question once they entered his household. Her dark coffee eyes pierced into his filled with fake happiness. “I was wondering—if you don’t mind…I would like you to stay for dinner.”

There it was. Benedict tried to come to terms of acting normal around her again as he asked her the same question before she left. Xianghua not once as declined his offer to stay for dinner. They always shared meals, watched a movie or shared the tranquility of the silence around them.

Not once has he felt as nervous as he did at this moment. His poor heart pumped a million miles per second. Palms started to form sweat and breath shallow. He tried to look for signs that Xianghua was going to accept or decline.

She was amazing at hiding her emotions from her face yet he could feel that she was reaching for the door. Xianghua swallowed the large lump in her throat as she formed words in her mouth. She was going to try to pretend they were still the same as they were before; he knew it, she knew it and still he almost let a sigh of relief when she said yes.

A small smile appeared on his lips, “Wonderful. Why don’t I start preparing dinner?”

He clasped his hands together before hanging his coat on the rack then reached out and helped his companion out of hers. Xianghua felt out of touch, awkward and didn’t know what to do with herself or so he assumed.

“Would you like something to drink to pass the time?”

“Wine would be nice.” Xianghua’s lips formed a friendly smile.

She sat by the island as she idly watched Benedict expertly remove the cork from the wine bottle. Her eyes danced around the label as she smiled softly, Betz one of her favorites. It used to come as a wonder if he ever felt anything for her when he kept her in his thoughts whenever she came over.

Some beverages and snacks were meant only for her; Ben knew what she was allergic to and all of her quirks. He accommodated some spots just for her making her hopeful that he has feelings for her even if they were barely there it would be something.

But she should have known better. This was Benedict, one of the kindest men she has ever met and he would accommodate for anyone that he cared about.

Gripping the glass, she slowly tipped it to her lips as she savored the sweet flavor. Pursing her lips, she raised a brow. “This taste expensive.” She muttered, turning the bottle she saw the year and surely it was very refine wine.

“Only the best for my beloved friend.”

Xianghua’s heart sank. Beloved friend. She has no quarrels of being a friend, but to be Benedict’s friend…it would have to do, wouldn’t it? Biting her lip, she gave him another smile as she took another sip.

Instead of the natural conversation that would take over when Benedict cooked for the both of them they were met with tension and awkwardness. Both of them didn’t know what to say to one another without causing discomfort to the other. Xianghua lowered her gaze with a deep sigh, “Maybe I should head out. Clearly this is too awkward.”

Slipping from her seat, she took a small step to regain her composure. Benedict immediately blocked her path, hands gripping her shoulders. “Wait. I can’t let you leave.”

“Why not? This is going to take time.” Xianghua explained gently. Hiding the lump in her throat as she continued, “I don’t want to be apart from you. I never do, but creating some distance while I heal would be best, wouldn’t it? I know you look at me Ben…with such sad eyes. Pitiful eyes and it makes me feel awful for making you feel that way.”

Tears started to form in her eyes; she bit her lip to stop it from quivering which only made Ben grip her shoulders tighter. “I’m so sorry that I am making you feel this way. No one should bear the guilt of not returning someone’s feelings. I don’t blame you. You’re one of my most treasured friends, Ben. So please forgive me.” she sobbed.

Benedict’s eyes softened as he pulled her close. This was the second time this week he made her cry and it made his heart break. “Don’t cry, love. Please don’t shed tears for me.”

Xianghua held onto him tighter. She didn’t want to let him go. If she could make her feelings disappear she would gladly do so to repair the damage that she caused. The guilt ripped through her as she was comforted by the one she held closest to her heart.

The small sniffles were muffled into his shirt as he rubbed soothing circles on her back. “Ben?” He hummed in response. “The food is burning.” She whispered. Benedict dashed towards the kitchen as he rescued the burning meat on the skillet. Xianghua giggled as panic stricken the poor man as he dumped the meal into the disposal.

“Take away?” He asked.

“I would love some.” She gave him a watery smile burying those feelings that poured out of her soul not too long ago. She wouldn’t cry in his presence anymore if anything she will cry in the solitude of her own home. Xianghua promised herself that she wouldn’t make Benedict feel guilty, yet her heart melted at the kind smile that was sent her way.