Clarity

Deep pools of blue bared into her soul as if she was a newborn, suddenly feeling naked at the gaze that lingered upon her. The close distance between them made her heart thunder in her chest. Her mind screamed for her to step away to be rational about what should not happen while her body craved for the simplest of touches from him.

From this distance she could see the golden flecks in his left eye matching perfectly with the blue as the right eye swirled with green. Ben has the most interesting of eyes. Xianghua could stare at him for days with pure wonder.

How can someone like him be so alone?

He had no one to love him on a personal level. Each woman has weaseled their way into his heart just to get what they wanted and left or was bored with his high intellectual level. She found him adorable. The small quips of information he spewed from his mouth from time to time when something random pops in his head.

Most of the information he spoke to her was useless at some point, but she loved to hear him speak. His deep silky voice wrapped around her like a blanket, one that could offer a sort of comfort that no one else could.

Xianghua’s breath hitched as his rough hand caressed her soft cheek. Instantly succumbing to his touch she leaned into his hand not daring to look away from his gaze. Her body quivered at the joy that was surrounding her. The touch was made of love not guilt, his eyes filled with hope and adoration not sorrow, and his body leaned forward instead of backward like she was acid.

Every motion made her consider that he deeply loved her. Her eyes flickered closed when the softness of his lips pressed against her forehead. His lips barely parted with her skin as he whispered her name with such care it almost hurt her.

“Xianghua.”

Xianghua dared not utter a word thinking something might shatter the image that she longed for. She rather live in denial at the moment than give into reality. No, this was her reality. This is all real. There was no other place than here and now.

Parted chapped lips muttered his name. A small weak voice that she didn’t recognize as her own, “Benedict.” She was shocked to hear her voice in such a state. She rarely used his full name, but it felt more natural than using his nickname that he was dubbed with for years. Swallowing the large lump in her throat she peered up to see Benedict smiling down at her.

“Xianghua…I lo-”

Her heart jolted having her spring awake from the dream she was having. A small gasp left her lips as her eyes darted around her room. Her hand softly touching her cheek to feel the warmth that she experienced was false. The only thing that was real was her heart beating in a rapid pace.

Softly cursing she pushed her wild hair out of her face before glancing at the clock with blurry eyes. The large red numbers blared seven thirty in the morning. Her body slumped in fatigue before she crawled out of bed. There was no use in being lazy.

Padding out of her room in near darkness she tugged on the large shirt she wore to bed before entering her kitchen. Brewing herself a nice cup of tea she sat quietly in the dim light to see a white light hitting her back. Turning around she saw the television was on. Her eyes softened as Sherlock coaxed John to hit him.

The sound was off, but she memorized most of the scenes with him. Xianghua always helped him with any scene if Martin wasn’t available. Turning around to avoid the face of Benedict she sipped on her tea some more before checking her Blackberry.

Dozens of emails were sent to her overnight more than enough time to respond to them before she headed out towards Benedict’s. Grabbing her laptop from the couch she started to reply and save some of the emails that she needed to read off to Benedict. It took more time than she thought as she finished the small heap of work before she devoured the cherry filled Danish on her counter.

Fixing herself up for the day, she pinned her hair back this time and did her routine make-up. Squeezing herself into a black and white long sleeve dress. The material flushed against her skin before rounding up her pricy heels onto her feet.

Gathering her needed things she walked out the door without a moment to spare. Xianghua’s mind went on autopilot as she fetched Benedict a variety of breakfast meals that he would eat. He wasn’t one for breakfast nor did he have the time so she forced him every day.

Walking up the entry way of Benedict’s house Xianghua balanced the box of breakfast with one hand as she fished for her keys. Once her keys were dangled in front of her she skimmed through the dozen of keys she had before landing on the one she wanted. Right when she was about to slide the key into the lock she remembered something.

She shouldn’t just waltz in like she was his friend. The days she worked for him was the time she had to be professional. In the back of her mind she knew that her having keys to Benedict’s house was beyond weird. It was unnatural.

Pressing the key harshly against her thumb she placed it back into her purse before ringing the doorbell to the house. Waiting patiently, she sighed softly. She needed to give the key back no matter how much she wanted it for herself. The door swung open revealing her boss looking tidy as ever.

Instinctively her force smile appeared on her red lips, “Good morning! I brought you breakfast!” Her chirpy voice wavered a bit as she saw something flash behind him. Forcing her eyes to stay on Benedict she saw the welcoming smile placed on his lips underneath a subtle panic in his eyes.

“T-thank you, Xianghua…I thought I gave you the day off today?” Benedict furrowed his brows at the small woman standing at his door way.

Looking utterly confused, she shook her head. “I don’t remember you saying that, but…maybe I should come back-”

“No!” His eyes widened, her body froze when his large hands gripped her shoulders. Her body froze under his touch. “Why don’t you come in? You came all this way to bring me breakfast. The least I could do is invite you in for a bit.”

Xianghua bit the inside of her lip before she nodded stiffly. Walking into the foyer she scoured the room for the blur that passed Benedict. If she remembered correctly it dashed up the stairs before she could catch a glimpse. Hearing the door close behind her she waited to follow Benedict to his living room before sitting down.

Opening the pink box and napkins she passed the breakfast towards him. Benedict offered her some of it, but she softly declined wondering where that thing was.

“Benedict?” His full name rolled off her tongue so gently and perfectly that the man himself looked up in question with slight amazement in his features.

“Yes?”

Her throat felt dry as she tried to come up with ways to think of what she wanted to say. She didn’t want to come off as obsessive or jealous, but she felt like some woman was upstairs waiting for her to leave. Anxiety surrounded the house hoping that she would leave sometime soon yet Benedict didn’t give any inclination of it.

“Is there…a woman…here?”

Her dark brown eyes gazed into his praying for some honesty. Benedict’s stature remained the same except for his pursed lips as his mind reeled on what she asked him. When he finally said something she felt something pang her heart. “You think…there’s a woman inside my house?”

Xianghua felt her throat tightened, “Isn’t there?”

The short question made Benedict furrow his brows in question. Licking his lips off the pastry, “There’s no woman here, Xianghua.”

Are you sure? She wanted to ask. Please don’t lie to me, Benedict.

Her pleading eyes expressed her opinion without her openly saying it and it worried Benedict to an extent. “Xianghua, there’s no one here except for you and me. I swear.” The short exchange between the two made it seem like they were a couple as if she discovered him cheating on her and wanted him to openly say he was to redeem himself.

But that wasn’t the case here.

They weren’t a couple.

Not even close. They were friends, colleagues and quite honestly close friends if not best of friends. For Xianghua to even ask such a thing really made things tenser around them.

Was it a figment of her imagination then? The woman that dashed up the stairs in panic wishing that Xianghua didn’t get a good look at her. Her mind would be that devious to do that to her. She wasn’t shocked that she would torture herself like this.

In some part of her mind she thought that maybe Benedict would give it some time before he started dating again after what happened between the two of them. It was foolish to think such things since nothing happened. He had nothing holding him back the only one that had to deal with feelings was her.

This was hurting her a lot more than imagined.

“I’m sorry, Benedict. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I thought I saw a woman running upstairs.” Xianghua laughed a little at how stupid it sounded. She pressed a hand over her mouth to hide her trembling lips. She wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t.

Benedict quietly accepted the apology. His long arm reached out towards her in some sort of condolence, but something inside of him thought it would be too much for her to handle. Instead he kept his arm by his side.

A small smile was on his lips as he teased her, “Calling me by my full name, I see.”

Xianghua smiled along with him. “I think it sounds better than Ben.”

Benedict laughed, “It should. It is my name after all.”

The small hallucination that transpired was slowly forgotten relaxed bodies lay on the couch as they talked about anything and everything. Xianghua eased herself on the couch forgetting that she still had her work clothes on. They laughed and casually talked avoiding the sensitive topics. When they were barely grazed into those subjects they would slowly weave their way around it into a more relaxed tone.

Things were a lot harder than they thought.

Cleaning up the mess off the table Xianghua crushed the pink box before dumping it in the trash along with the cups.

Standing straight up she almost crashed into Benedict. A small laugh was exchanged. Xianghua blushed a bit as she asked, “Is there anything else before I leave?” A part of her wanted him to say that he wanted her to stay, but that wasn’t even a chance of that happening.

“Yes actually.” Her ears perked up at the decision. Benedict’s teasing grin made her heart flutter, “I’m giving you a few days off. You work yourself like a dog it’s about time you get some needed rest.” He knew she was going to protest so he covered her mouth with his hand. “There is no room for discussion, go on.”

Xianghua nodded stiffly as she took her leave. There was something about that that unnerved her. She turned towards the stairs discreetly staring up at the top thinking there would be a woman peeking down. No one was there. Frowning she let Benedict open the door a few moments later and off she went.

~~

“How are you handling all of it? Has it been weird between the two of you?”

Xianghua twisted her neck to release the knot forming before she turned towards her go to friend. The one friend that she could count on since the moment she moved here. “Dreadful. Everything is a complete disaster. It’s awkward between us even if we try to keep it professional, but we always borderline keep it friendly. Even with what happened this morning I’m a bit worried.”

Paty’s lips twisted into frown as she leaned her head against her palm. “I’m a bit worried myself. Why do you stick around when you need some time to get over this? You need to work for someone else, Xi.”

Xianghua bit her lip, shaking her head in protest. “I can’t leave him like that, Pats. I have been working for him for a few years now and his career is finally taking off. He will need me now more than ever.”

“No he doesn’t. You need to look out for yourself. I only met the man a few times and I see why he’s so great, but you need to let him go. Officially. Take a break and once you get yourself together you can go back to work.”

Paty was her rock and rational side of things the one woman that can give it to her straight and possibly the only one that knew about her feelings towards Benedict. It was hard masking the feelings towards her friend slash boss and now that feelings were out in the open it was dangerous territory. Xianghua felt lost and what Paty is telling her to do felt impossible.

If she quit on Benedict now she would feel like she was running away from her problem instead of dealing with it. She always faced her issues head on and this was no different. Her feelings will go away eventually even if her mind kept coaxing her that he will soon return her feelings.

“You should work for me. Part time, at least some of the edge off.” Paty compromised. If Xianghua didn’t fully want to leave Benedict then cut the time in half so she can improve on herself. When Xianghua fought that Benedict needed a full time assistant, Paty quickly quipped that Benedict had tons of workers that can pick up the slack until she was fully herself.

“You aren’t going to work for him forever, Xi. This is only temporary.” Paty reminded her.

Even so, Xianghua never part time anything. Xianghua didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life professionally. Helping Benedict with his schedule is what she did best and it was comfortable. She loved it and she saw him every day what could she possibly want more?

It took an hour for Xianghua to give up and agreed with Paty that she will work for her part time. She even called Benedict with Paty sitting next to her to make it official. Xianghua didn’t want to get her hopes up, but she felt like there was a hint of sadness when she told him the news. He understood and still commanded her to take it easy.

“How’s Tom?” Xianghua asked it was an easy subject to move on to.

Watching the loving gaze be placed on her friend’s face made a small green monster open its eyes as she filled her in on what was going on with her and her boyfriend. Xianghua still listened and what did you know? The topic of happiness was another sore topic for her.

How funny life can be.