Let Live Again

Day one of warped tour kicked off in Salt Lake City, Utah. I was taught how to work the merchandise table, and it really wasn't that hard of a job. I went through the lines quick, delivering the merch to the teens that stopped by. Business would pick up whenever Alan or one of the other guys would come check to see how things were going. I had gotten a break finally and I learned that I wouldn't be working it all day long. Luckily, I was taking shifts with some other people.

Now that I was off shift, my first order of business was to find some water. It was dreadfully hot and humid and I was bound to pass out at any second. I shuffled through the crowds, trying not to push anyone as I hurried as fast as I could to get somewhere cool. From the merch tents to the buses was a good long walk and would take awhile.

Sweat beaded on my body as I kept walking, debating on running. If I ran, I'd get sicker and hotter. My vision blurred and I ran into someone, getting pushed away. "Watch where the fuck you're going!" someone yelled at me and girls laughed after. I kept moving, pushing past people in an aggressive manor now. I could see the buses up ahead now through the little splotches in my eyes.

"Jacey? Are you alright?" I heard a voice ahead of me, but I didn't see them. It was Austin's voice. "Jacey?"

"Austin." I said, reached out.

I felt his hand at the tip of mine and he pulled me towards him. "Are you alright?"

"Water.. and Alan.." I mumbled, starting to shake.

"Alright, come on." he said, swooping me up from the ground. I shut my eyes and breathed quickly through my mouth, knowing I was somewhat safe here.

I heard the bus door open and it was silent for a second. "Oh god, Jacey are you okay?" Alan's panicked voice came rushing to us. "I've got it from here." he said kind of snappily to Austin. I was transferred from Austin's arms to Alan's in a swift moment of them and I wrapped my arms around Alan's neck, clinging to him.

"Just get me some fucking water." I demanded, letting him carry me back to the bus. Once we were inside, he had me under a fan, practically pouring a water bottle down my throat.

"Are you feeling any better?" he asked, spotting my forehead with a wet towel.

"Much, thank you." I sighed. "I don't know what came over me."

"You've been out in the heat all day without eating and drinking fluids."

"I ate a banana.."

"Yeah, at like six this morning. It's now almost half past one." he laughed softly. "You need to feel better so you can come to our set tonight."

"You're set?" I raised an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Our set as in our time to play."

"Oh." I nodded. "I see."

"Hopefully you'll come. We're all rowdy for it. I mean, it's the first show of warped tour."

"I think I need to take a nap before it so I can be up to your rowdy standards." I sighed, standing up. I grew lightheaded and I immediately fell forward, landing in Alan's lap.

"Jeez, take me on a date first." he teased.

"I'm not in the mood for your jokes." I groaned, staying where I landed. "You're just going to have to put up with me here for a moment until my head stops spinning."

"I can do that." he replied, gently brushing the back of my hair with his fingers.

I took a deep breath and sat up, still leaning towards him with my hands on his leg to hold me up. I sat there for a moment, trying to get my breathing steady again. I noticed Alan's brown eyes staring at me from under the ginger strands that had fallen over his eyes. "What?"

"Nothing." he quickly looked down, his cheeks turning a slight pink color.

"Alan!" I pinched his leg. "Really, what?"

"Nothing!"

"Oh my god." I frowned, and carefully crossed my arms.

"What?" he looked back up at me.

"You-" I said, being caught off guard by his lips being crushed into mine. I cupped his face in my hands and softly pressed my lips back against his, a little unsure with this. I pulled away and stared at him for a moment. "I um.. I have to go."

"Jacey.."

"What?"

"Let me explain?" he looked at me pleadingly.

"Not right now. I need to think." I got up quickly, my head starting to swirl. I made a break for my bunk and crawled in it, shutting the curtains and sat in silence for a moment.

Like what the fuck just happened? Did Alan just really kiss me like that? It felt so wrong yet it felt right. I didn't know how to feel about that. But where did this put me with Robby? I figured that we were done with since he left me hanging at that gas station, but we weren't officially done for. I felt dirty about it too.

But don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't wanted Alan to kiss me. I just didn't want it to be like that. In a cute moment we were sharing, like last night when we were watching the movie. Not when I felt physically sick and I thought I was going to blow chunks all over him.

I wanted to give him a chance, but I wasn't sure. I had serious trust issues. But I had really gotten to know Alan over the past few weeks and I won't even try to deny that there was a spark there. I thought he was the cutest thing ever. The way his ginger hair would fall in his face, how he slept, how he would get so worked up and excited about cats.. I couldn't deny that I was possibly in love with him and all the silly things he would do. But again, I'm afraid to trust again. What if I end up hurt?

I could hear him in the back lounge, groaning to himself as he drowned in self pity over what he had did. I needed to talk to him about it now and not be such a wuss. I crawled out of my bunk, walking slowly into the back room. "Alan?"

"Jacey, I am so so sorry." he mumbled, standing up.

"It's fine." I say, sitting back down next to him. "I should be the one saying sorry. I shouldn't have ran away. That made things worse."

"You had the right to. I mean, I'm an idiot."

I grabbed his cheeks, kissing him gently on the lips again to shut him up. "Shut up, idiot."

"Oh." he blinked, staring into my eyes.

"I like you Alan, I really do. I just don't want to be hurt again."

"I couldn't hurt you. Seeing you broken was one of the hardest things for me to see, honestly. That's why I've been trying to put you back together, one piece at a time. This probably shattered everything and I'm still sorry."

"Don't be. You didn't shatter anything." I said, carefully straddling his waist. "I maybe wanted you to do it?"

"Really?"

"Mhm." I nodded. "I want to be with you, Alan.."

"I want to be with you too." he mumbled, pecking me on the lips again. "But can we be a secret for awhile?"

"Of course. I don't want to be the punchline of your band members' jokes."

"Exactly my point." he hugged my waist and smiled slightly. "Thank you."