Let It Happen

My last class finishes early on Friday, so I head straight for the second floor in the hope of intersecting Gus outside his Politics classroom. Anticipation kicks off in my stomach as I hurry down the stairs. I know this is more likely than not to end in an argument. I just don't have the patience to talk to Gus like he's worth my time. I know he has Politics with one of his friends, but lucky for me it's only Freddie and he's tiny and quiet and he doesn't really like confrontation. If it was Kurt, it would be a completely different story.

Kurt and Freddie are brothers, but they're complete opposites. Freddie is tiny, skinny and shy, whereas his brother is tall, well built and infuriating. He thinks he's the best thing in the world and he treats everyone else like they're beneath him. The only thing similar about them is their looks; they both have thin faces and dark brown hair.

I'm relieved the week's over. Now I can just look forward to seeing Maddie and spending my nights with James. That is, after I'm done ripping into my best friend's stupid fucking boyfriend.

The thing about Gus is, he's been in relationships before, but because Dennis is a boy Gus thinks he can treat the relationship differently. He thinks he's allowed to do whatever the hell he wants because for once he's the one in control of the relationship. He doesn't know how to act in a relationship with a guy, when really it should be exactly the same. Dennis deserves just as much respect as any of Gustav's previous girlfriends.

Finally the classroom door opens and students begin to pour out. Gus is somewhere in the middle of the queue, oblivious to my existence until I grab him by the shirt, halting his conversation with Freddie, and drag him over to me.

"What the fuck, Maisy?" he growls, yanking his crumpled shirt sleeve out of my tight grasp.

If it was anyone but Gus I'd feel bad for accidentally pinching his arm. I wait for the crowd to disperse, glaring threateningly at Gus, silently warning him not to walk away from me, and to my surprise he obliges. For once.

But when it's just me and Gus, I lose my words. How do I begin to interrogate Gus about things that probably aren't my business but I made them my business because Dennis doesn't have the guts to ask?

"What do you want?" he demands, longingly watching Freddie as he disappears around the corner at the end of the corridor.

"Why aren't you going to the play?" I blurt out, relieved I can actually remember how to talk.

He narrows his eyes. "Who says I'm not going?"

"Um," I look thoughtful, "you said that, idiot. When you went to rehearsals with Dennis."

"That was weeks ago," he points out, pushing past me and following his classmates to the stairs. I scowl and hurry to fall into step with him. "And I was joking. Dennis knows I was joking. So stop wasting your time and fix your own relationship."

"My relationship's fine," I snap, "and that's not all I came to talk to you about."

"Really?" he scoffs, descending the stairs so quickly I have to run to keep up. Stupid Gustav with his stupid long legs. "Because James looked pretty cosy with that blonde girl in the supermarket a few days ago."

"They're friends, that's all. You don't know shit about my relationship, so stop pretending like you do."

He stops on the first floor and whirls around to face me, fury darkening his eyes. "And you're allowed to pretend to be such an expert on mine? Grow up, Mae, this isn't secondary school. Dennis is a big boy now and he can handle his own relationship."

"You and I both know that Dennis won't approach you about what a dick you are because he doesn't want to upset you!" I spit out, shoving him hard.

"Well maybe Dennis should fucking grow a pair!" he bites back, turning and resuming his rush down the stairs and almost succeeding in leaving me in his dust.

"Don't you dare make this about Dennis," I warn him, catching up as Gus reaches the exit.

In this moment I'm so tempted to tell him about Dennis' little trip to the roof all those months ago. Gus still doesn't know Dennis might not be here if it wasn't for me. Gus doesn't know his boyfriend almost killed himself because of me, and if it wasn't unfair on Dennis I'd totally hit Gus with that bombshell right here and now. But for Dennis' sake, I hold my tongue.

"Who do you want it to be about, Mae?" Gus snarls, speeding up in another attempt at shaking me off. "You? Because we both know as soon as Dennis and I get into another fight you'll be trying to get in his pants."

I stop walking, stunned. "What did you just say?"

He stops a few metres from me, considering leaving me to wonder what he meant, but obviously the opportunity to piss me off is just too good to miss. He turns and steps closer to me, smirking humourlessly.

"You shouldn't be so careless with your secrets," he hisses. "Remember Cammie's my friend too before you start telling her how attractive you find my boyfriend."

"Wh..." I trail off, and for a second I'm speechless. "That... That was before you were even together."

"Yeah, but I bet you're still a huge slut," he sneers, crossing his arms and looking down his nose at me. "Keep your filthy whore hands off Dennis, all right? He's happy, can't you see that?"

"Yeah, he is," I agree, pushing him away from me, "because he doesn't know what you're hiding."

"What are you talking about, you brainless twat?"

"You're hiding something, I know you are. Whenever I bring up that night I saw you in the club, you tense up. Something happened, and you're going to tell me what."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. Something happened, and you'd better tell me or-"

"Or what, Mae? What are you gonna do?"

I shrug. "I'll let my assumptions take over and bring them to Dennis. I'm betting it had something to do with that girl you were ogling at, am I right?"

Gus rolls his eyes, and the urge to deck him right in the jaw is so overwhelming I have to concentrate on keeping my arms by my sides. I just wish Dennis could see him right now, because the look on his face is so fucking smug and infuriating it'd make anyone want to hit him.

He takes a battered pack of cigarettes from his pocket and stalks off as he cups his hand around his mouth to light one. He doesn't turn back to me, but I let him go. I think if I carry on he's going to end up with a broken face and then Dennis might never talk to me again.

His words echo in my head, and no matter how hard I try I can't shake them. Is my relationship really in peril? I mean, I always knew what James was like, but I thought he was trying to change for me. Does he like Tamsin more than he admits, or is Gus just planting ideas in my head?

I know, deep down that it's just Gus confusing me. Because I'm not a slut. I've never cheated, I've never even thought about being unfaithful. And as for liking Dennis, those feelings have long since been buried. I don't fancy Dennis. It's like fancying my brother. It's... It's just... Ew.

But... I almost kissed Dennis. I mean, I thought about it. But that doesn't mean anything anymore, does it? Best friends kiss all the time. Don't they? Maybe I am a slut.

Fuck.

It's a while before I realise I'm still standing outside the university building. I clear my throat quietly and begin the short walk back to my flat, my mind racing. Wanting to kiss Dennis for one split second and then realising my mistake doesn't make me a slut, does it? I'm sure it doesn't, but it doesn't stop me feeling all icky and disgusting.

So when I get home I jump straight in the shower, practically sprinting past Cammie and into the bathroom and earning myself a concerned look from her. As the warm water judders out of the pathetic showerhead and slides down my body, all I can think about is how easily Gus can wind me up. He knows every one of my buttons to push if he wants to piss me off or get to me and it's infuriating because I have no idea how to get him back.

I scrub at my body until it feels like I have no skin left. Then I wash my hair and step out of the shower. For a moment I just stand in front of the mirror, hating my reflection. My nose is too big, my lips are too thin, I'm too short and my boobs are just way too big. Do I really look like a slut, though? Aren't sluts supposed to be pretty? Aren't they supposed to look like Tamsin? Maybe if I lost weight my boobs would be smaller and I wouldn't look like a slut.

I sigh and pull on my underwear and the oversized Metallica shirt that I use as pyjamas. Well, it used to belong to Dennis until I claimed it as my own whenever I slept over at his house in Year Ten.

I join Cammie on the sofa, and for a while we just sit there, our eyes glued to the TV. The Lion King is on. I swear I could quote that film word for word, the amount Cammie watches it.

I wonder if Cammie knows what Gus is hiding. She's Freddie's girlfriend and friends with their lot, so surely she must know something. If Gus was going to tell anyone, he'd tell her, even though she's not really the type to keep secrets. She likes to try to help. I guess in that way she's like me.

"Hey, Cam?"

She glances at me, a handful of popcorn halfway to her mouth, and I can't help thinking she's what I want to look like. She has long, glossy brunette hair and big brown eyes that prevent anyone from ever getting mad at her. She's skinny, too.

I clear my throat. "Um, have you spoken to Gus recently?"

"Yesterday," she confirms, popping a piece of popcorn into her perfectly shaped mouth, "why?"

"I was just wondering if-"

Suddenly I'm cut off as my phone rings in my bag. Annoyance floods through me, my chance to find out the truth slipping from my fingers. I shoot Cammie an apologetic look and dig my phone out. Dennis' name and picture flash on the screen, and I smile and hit the answer button. I hadn't expected him to call tonight; he said last night that he had a lot of theory to catch up on. But suddenly I cheer up a little because Dennis always knows the right thing to say when I'm pissed off.

"What's up, shit brain?" I holler, expecting Dennis to reply with a similar insult.

For a while he doesn't reply. I wonder for a second if he pocket dialled, but I can't hear any background noise or anything. Just silence.

"Dennis?" I try again.

I feel my heart sink as the thought strikes me that he could be on the roof again. But I can just hear his quiet breathing, and he doesn't sound calm like he did last time. He doesn't sound like he's accepted that Gus is a shit boyfriend and he's always getting his heart broken and he'd just be better off if he never woke again.

He just sounds upset. I open my mouth to speak again, but he beats me to it.

His voice is barely a whisper. He sounds hurt. His words send cold chills up my spine.

He breathes, "Mae... What did you do?"