You Know That I'm Right.

Joy Division were playing from the record player in the corner of the room. I'd never listened to them before but mom had been gone for two weeks now and I was beginning to feel lonely. For the first time in months I had opened up the door to dads office and looked though his things in hopes of finding him somehow. The music was harsh, old school since it was over 30 years of the record coming out. My eyes were closed and I was spinning in circles, slowly, in the large chair by the desk. After three songs I was done, I couldn't do it. With a heavy heart I walked over and turned the record player off. It hurt so badly that I didn't like them. But the songs, they didn't work for me at all. I felt the burning behind my eyes, indicating I was about to cry again. Dad had always talked about how much he'd loved Joy Division when he'd been my age and I had only recently remembered it. There were boxes filled with Records under the table where the record player was put years ago. I wanted to like every single song in the rows and rows of musical geniuses who had made him so happy. But the reality was facing me. We weren't the same person and we didn't like the same music. I was fairly modern, barely anything I liked was created before 1990. Bon Iver, Death Cab For Cutie, Jimmy Eat World. I was drawn to different things and I hated it. I wanted to tear my hair off my scalp in sorrow. All I had wanted was for dad and I to talk deeply about music. We hadn't had the opportunity and I know it would have been conversations that I would have cherished for life. But they had never taken place. I wanted to know what he thought of my favorite album and favorite song. I needed to know what he would have thought about the movies I watched when I was all alone, wanting to feel significant and not hopeless. If I'd just would have asked earlier. If I'd just had been there more when he was present, not drowning in work he never had liked. The tears were now flooding down my cheeks, I kept thinking of how many thing he would miss. My wedding, if that ever happened. My first day of college, my graduations, my first car, my first house, my future boyfriends. There were too many moments in my life where I had always thought he would be there, supporting me when my bad decisions catches up to break me down. The silence in the room only reminded me of how angry I was.

A clear ring echoed though the house. Straight down the hallway from where I was standing I could see the door where the sound had just came from. A silhouette was visible through the frosted glass around the sides of the door. Why did someone have to come by at this moment? My eyes were still sore but the tears had stopped by now.
I placed my cold hands under my eyes to help the redness disappear hopefully before opening the door.
"Blake, hi. Sorry to just, come unexpectedly like this." Alec's voice rang cheerfully when he turned around after the door was swung open. But right away as he looked at me the smile faded and was replaced with concern, then an expression I couldn't read as fast as the earlier ones. "Sorry, is it a bad time?" he asked and started starching his neck nervously.
"No, no come in, if that's what you planned to do…" I didn't know if he came for a visit of quick chat.
"Yeah, that'd be nice." he smiled at me and stepped inside, taking off his shoes. He probably noticed the neatly arranged shoes on the shelf under the coatrack.
"You gotta stop coming by when I've been crying, it's becoming a thing by now." it was no point in trying to ignore the fact that my eyes were red and my cheeks were as well.
"It's not planned, I promise." he didn't try to play it off either. A silent understanding lingered between us. No forced sympathy was needed, we were in similar boats.

"So what brought you over?"
"It was actually Serena that made me come by. She said earlier in school today that you needed to talk to me." I sighed and silently cursed Serena and her "Emma" acting. She isn't a matchmaker by Jane Austen.
"One day she will get murdered, hopefully by me." my eyes rolled and Alec started laughing.
"Is she trying to Emma us?"
"That was my exact thought, now it's just scary."
"I had to read it at my last school, but the fact you thought that right away just as I did was indeed creepy."
"Scary is more dramatic than creepy." I couldn't help but watch as he took off his pullover jacket. I couldn't lie, I knew why Serena wanted me to like Alec that way. He was really attractive, nice and we had a good connection. But there was nothing there for me. But maybe it was because there was a blockage from my part, Nick still lingering everywhere I could think. There should be nothing there but there is, from my point of view at least. I don't feel guilty, Serena and I aren't selfish girls who keep past relationship as private property. We can date whoever we like as long as there are still feelings if one of us had happened to date the person before. But as far as I know Serena and Nick are a closed and well sealed book.
Sometimes I wonder if Serena can read my mind because before I know it I hear my phone starting to ring from the kitchen table where I last put it before going inside dads office.