Deadly Affairs

I stood there trying to say something but I couldn’t speak; it was like my throat was closed but even if I could speak I still didn’t know what to say. Kellin was staring at me in shock and I was shocked myself at what I just did. I don’t know why I kissed him, I just did. It felt good even if it was only for a second. It felt amazing but I hated how much I liked it and how much I wanted to do it again. I saw Kellin starting to open his mouth like he was about to say something but I just turned around and started walking back to my house. I didn’t even look back to see if he was still standing there or following me or even walking away, I just kept walking. When I got to my house and opened the door I saw that Justin was still here. I totally forgot that he was here after what just happened and quite frankly I didn’t want him here anymore. I didn’t want anyone here; I just wanted to be left alone.

“I think you should go.” I said with this blank look on my face walking in the living room and turning off the T.V.

“Is everything okay?” He asked with this concerned look on his face.

“Yeah, I just think you should go.” I answered walking back to the front door, opening it and waiting for him to get up and leave.

“Okay… I’ll uh… see you at work.” He said as he walked past me, I nodded my head and closed the door. I walked to the bathroom and turned on the water then put my hands under the water cupping my hands together then splashed some water on my face. I gripped my hands on the edge of the bathroom counter and held my head over the sink letting the water drip off my face into the sink. I was so confused and had so many thoughts running through my head that It felt like I could actually feel my brain throbbing. I decided that I would just try to sort out everything that was going on in my head in the morning.
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I woke up at 11am and the first thing that pops in my head is the kiss between Kellin and I. I laid in my bed and kept replaying the kiss over and over; it started to feel like I could actually feel the kiss happening. I shook the thought from my mind and got out bed then headed to the kitchen and brewed a cup of coffee. As I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch with my coffee in one hand, I reached for the remote with the other hand. Just as I was about to turn on the T.V. someone knocked on the door, making me freeze in place. It could only be two people, Kellin or Justin. I didn’t want to see Justin and I really didn’t want to see Kellin right now, I didn’t want to see anyone. I just wanted to be alone so I could sort out these thoughts and weird feelings I’m having but then there came another knock at the door. I slowly got up and walked quietly to the door and looked out the peephole and saw Kellin. Just my luck. I wasn’t going to open the door but I just kept staring at him through the peephole, I couldn’t stop staring at him.

“Vic.” He said knocking on the door again. “I know you’re here.. Come on. Open the door... Let’s just talk about this.” He began to knock again. “Look I’m sorry for acting weird last night, okay?” he said and I could hear the pleading in his voice but I still didn’t open the door. I saw him turn around and begin to leave, I watched him until I couldn’t see him anymore. I went back in the living room, turned on the T.V. and drank my coffee. I tried watching some T.V. but I couldn’t stop thinking about Kellin. I actually felt guilty for not opening the door. I could hear the begging tone in his voice and I still didn’t open it and he probably feels bad for the way he acted last night when I could care less about how he acted last night, it was about how I acted. How I kissed him and couldn’t stop thinking about his soft, warm lips and how I wanted them on my lips so badly again. I was avoiding him because of that. I didn’t want him feeling guilty but I couldn’t open the door. He just makes me a total different person. I was going to kill him instead I saved him. I hate being touched but I let him hold my hand and I kissed him. I hate being around people but I’ve let him stay at my house every night since the day we met. Before him I would’ve never done any of these things. I mean I’ve had a boyfriend before him and I never let him stay over every night consistently, I didn’t even let him stay over for more than 3 nights a week. I really didn’t let him touch me or kiss me, just when I wanted to and that was when I was drunk or horny. It scares me to know how much I like him. Or at least I think I like him... It feels like I do.. I don’t know.. It’s very confusing.

I stayed in the house and watched T.V while lying on the couch until the afternoon when the sun started to go down. I really didn’t want to risk running into Kellin so I decided to just wait to leave the house until I thought I had no chance of bumping into him. I went into my room and put on some black skinny jeans and a gray t-shirt and a pair of black vans then headed to the front door ready to leave out. I looked out the peephole before I opened the door to make sure Kellin wasn’t out there waiting for me. I didn’t see him so I proceeded to open the door and start walking towards the grocery store to get some food. As I got to the grocery store and wandered through the aisles and picked up little things that I needed I started to think about not only Kellin but now Justin. How was I going to explain to him how I acted? Why I kicked him out all of a sudden? Why when I came back in the house I was so distant and emotionless? It was something I had to think about and come up with an excuse for before Monday. As I paid for my groceries and walked out the store with the two bags in my hand I reached for my phone and put my headphones in and listened to music on the walk back home. It cleared my mind and I got lost into the music so it felt like it didn’t take me that long to get home. But as I got close to my house I took my headphones out and put them in my pocket also reaching for my keys and walked up the steps towards the door and opened the door, it was pitch black. I closed the door and started to put in the security code.

“You know, I’ve been trying to get in contact with you all day?” I heard a voice say from behind me causing me to drop my groceries and reach for the stand next to the door and opened the drawer as fast as I could. I grabbed the knife that I keep in there and turned around. I saw a shadow figure that looked like a man and pressed him against the wall and put the knife to his neck. “Holy fuck! What are you doing?!” the voice said and I realized it was Kellin’s. I reached for the light switch and turned it on, still in defense mode I looked at him with the knife still at his neck.

“What are you doing in my house?” I said.

“You keep knives in your fucking drawer next to the door?! What do you think, someone going to come kill you?!” He said still looking at me like I was crazy I felt him shaking like he was about to piss his pants. I backed off him and let the knife off his throat then put it back in the drawer.

“You can’t go breaking into people’s houses, you know? It’s illegal.” I said to him picking up the groceries trying to act nonchalant.

“Who the fuck keeps knives in drawers next to the door?! You have a kitchen knife in a drawer next to your door! Have you lost your mind?” He said not letting it go. I didn’t expect him to but I was still going to try and defuse it any way possible. “And you put it to my neck, ready to kill me! You’re crazy!” He said still freaking out.

“I’m sorry but you were in my house. I thought you were trying to rob me.” I said walking through the living room heading to the kitchen.

“So you were- What is wrong with you?!” He said clearly dumbfounded and not able to get his thoughts together.

“Look I’m sorry.. alright?” I said as I got into the kitchen and put the groceries on the counter. I turned to him to look him in the eyes, he was clearly scared and disoriented. I didn’t like him looking like that so I gave him this sincere look. I turned around and started putting the food away. “What are you doing here anyway? How’d you even get in?”

“It’s not that hard when you find the spare key and I was coming here to talk to you before you went all Michael Myers on me.” He said starting to calm down just a little. I guess he remembered why he came over here and that took his mind off me almost slicing his throat. I walked into the living room and I heard him follow.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked standing on one side of the coffee table in the middle of the room he stood on the other side staring at me.

“Well I came over here earlier but you didn’t answer. I wanted to talk about last night…” He said getting a little quiet as he ended the sentence.

“Yeah.. I slept in.” I said, lying.

“Oh… well… I just wanted to apologize for me acting all weird about Justin coming over. I don’t know what got into me.” He said with this guilty look on his face. I turned around and went to look through some old mail that has been sitting there for 2 weeks now.

“It’s cool.” I said.

“No it’s not. He’s your friend and I.. I don’t know. I’m really sorry. I just don’t want you mad at me.” He said. I still continued to look through the pile of mail.

“I’m not mad. But uhm.. I guess I’m sorry too.” I said feeling my heart start to beat faster. I didn’t want to talk about this kiss but I felt like it was a good idea to apologize seeing as he didn’t give me permission to kiss him and we aren’t dating so I feel like I crossed a line.

“For what?” he asked and I heard the confusion in his voice.

“For last night.. You know.. kissing you?” I mumbled the last part.

“No don’t apologize for that. I-“ He started to say but I cut him off.

“No I should. It was wrong of me to do that.” I said turning around but making sure I didn’t make eye contact and walked to the other side of the room, passed him to pick up some papers on the floor.

“Yeah but I wanted it. I liked it. So don’t apologize.” He said causing me to stand up and turn around to look at him with my eyes wide open just like last night after I kissed him. He looked at me scared I guess to what I was going to say but I didn’t know what to say. Hearing him say he liked it made me happy for some reason but also scared. I could feel myself wanting to smile but I tried to hold it back. “And I’d want to do it again…” he said. After he said that the fear I felt was being over powered by all these warm feelings inside until there was no more fear or confusion or any negative thoughts or feelings inside just that warm, tingling, happy feeling. I dropped the papers in my hands and walked over to him cupping his face firmly and smashed my lips onto his.