A Few Heartbeats Away From Disaster

"So you never did answer my question." Mike said after buying us coffee from a starbucks nearby. We had walked to the downtown scene to find it and were now walking back to the ocean. "Why were you dancing on a beach at 2 in the morning?"
"It's complicated?" I shrugged. "Tell you what, I'll tell you if you tell me." I smiled.
"Well, see that bar right there?" He stopped and grabbed my shoulders to point me in the right direction. "The guys are in there, I wasn't really in the drinking mood, so I went to the beach when I heard a really familiar song and saw a beautiful girl dancing. I decided that was more promising than a night with the guys." I pretended to be interested in what he was saying but I was distracted by the hands on my shoulders, he had a strong touch but it was so gentle. I started to get goose bumps and he rubbed his hands up and down in an attempt to warm me up.
"Mike I'm fine, really." I said squirming away. I wasn't really good at physical contact- especially on my arms. Before I could protest furthur he threw his jacket on over my sweater. It smelled like cologne but not in an overbearing way, in a comforting way that made me snuggle into it.
"So I answered you- you answer me." I didn't know why but I felt the need to tell him the truth, so I did.
"I'm an insomniac. I get bored and then I go dance. It calms me down. Get's my mind off things." I shrugged.
"So like, you don't sleep?!" He asked incredulously. I nodded my head and his eyes widened. He dropped it though and I was greatful for that. We walked in silence for a few minutes when I realized something.
"Karmen." I blurted out. "My name is Karmen."
"Karmen. I like it." He said grinning. We looked at each other for a while and I swear I saw him glance at my lips and I know I glanced at his. As I thought something was about to happen my phone rang.
"I'm sorry I should..." I trailed off and looked at the screan- It was Tay.
"What do you want, Tay?" I asked rather rudely.
"Damn someone's sassy." She replied. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. You know what today is and I-"
"Of course I know what today is Tay and that's why I stepped out for air and I'd rather not talk about it. I'm fine and I'll see you at the hotel room." I hung up on her. I knew I was going to hear about that later but I just wanted to live right now in this moment with Mike.
"Hotel room?" He asked skeptically. "You don't live here?"
"Not technically here. I live in East Palo Alto up north. I, um, I go to Stanford." I said trying to keep him from asking what I knew he was going to ask.
"STANFORD?!" He practically shouted. "You go to a borderline Ivy League school?! Wow and here I thought that maybe you might be in my league." He said partly serious from what I could see on his face.
"I'm definitly not out of your league. Trust me. You're the rockstar!" I said bumbing hips with him. He took the oppurtunity to grab my hand and I let him; secretly giving him props for being so smooth.
"What's your major?" He asked seemingly interested.
"Psychology. With a minor in music composition." I said. He looked at me again with wide eyes and an open mouth.
"You write music too?!" He asked. "Wow. I'm impressed." He smiled at me. We walked down the beach to the water and sat at the edge of the tide. He removed his hand from mine and put it around my shoulders so I could lean into him. It was weird being this close to him since I didn't let people in other than the 5 friends I had, but something about being with Mike felt right, for a while...
"Karmen?" He asked. I mumbled a 'yeah' in reply. "What's today?" And there it was. The question I knew was coming but I hoped he would forget. I felt comfortable with Mike but not that comfortable.
"I should go." I said standing up. He protested and grabbed my wrist. Before either of us knew what was happening his fingers slipped under the sleeve and he felt them. "Mike I..."
"Let me see." He said, not releasing my wrist and standing up. I started to protest but he just looked at me with those piercing brown eyes and whispered, "Please."
I just nodded and rolled up my sleeve. He gasped immediately. All along my wrist and forearm were little lines, big lines, white lines, red lines; some deeper than others. He ran his fingers along a few of them before getting to the one that I was utterly repulsed by. The large, deep, vertical one that went from the base of my palm to the inside of my elbow. Perfectly straight, perfectly deep, perfectly defective. A painful reminder of yet another failure.
"Mike I..." I said pulling my arm back.
"Why would you do that?" He asked. There it was. The look that everyone gave me when they found out. The look that meant they thought I was broken and fragile and needed to be saved. I didn't want it from Mike though. "Why would you ever do that?" he asked again.
"Don't pretend like you care, Mike. You just met me."
"Doesn't mean I don't care." He said defensively.
"No it does, Mike! Because no one cares! Not one single person. You're no different. I've been a fan of your band for a while now Mikey and I know how you work. You're a player. You're a lost little brother who follows around his big brother like a lost puppy dog!" I shouted. As soon as I said it I regreted it. I wanted to take it back more than anything. I was just so flooded with emotions that I wasn't thinking, but it was too late.
"Wow Karmen. Ya know I did care. I really did. And you don't know me. You think you know me just like everyone else thinks they do. I would have wanted you to know me though." He said walking away. "I really did want you to know me." And with that he turned around and ran in the direction we came.