A Few Heartbeats Away From Disaster

I didn't always get nightmares. I used to sleep just fine. When I was 14 they started- just anxiety dreams, nothing bad. They would wake me up in tears or drenched in sweat, but they were managable, until they got progressively worse. Eventually I found out I could sleep for about an hour at a time without falling deep enough asleep to dream, so thats what I did.
There was only one time when my body won over my mind and I fell asleep- when someone was with me. When I could physically feel someone next to me I completely let go and just slept. Something about having someone there to comfort me and hold me made me feel safe enough to face my dream. I've had the same dream for a few years now, and this time was no different.....
I was swimming. I was always swimming. I don't know where or why but everytime I slept I was in the ocean and I was swimming somewhere for some reason. I looked around me and, of course, there was nothing. No signs of land or people revealed themselves as I looked around me. The waves were getting more and more trecherous as I tread water. The water started to cover my mouth, then my nose, and I knew I was about to hear it.
"Karmen!" I heard a voice. It was always a voice that I knew but I couldn't make this one out, it was less familiar. Usually the voice belonged to one of my five best friends, but this time it didn't sound like any of them. Confused but knowing how this dream had to play out I swam in the direction of the voice. "Karmen!"
When I got there, my immediate reaction was to swim away. Treading water just fine about 7 feet away from me, was Mike. This wasn't right, it was always someone that I had known my entire life, one of the people closest to me, why Mike? I couldn't go through with the dream knowing it was Mike here. I could feel myself falling deeper into the water and I started to panic.
"No, Mikey, what are you doing? You have no idea what's going to happen!" I said as if it would make a difference, this is my dream- my subconcious. I created this, he's simply a figment of my imagination. Usually in this dream, the person in front of me starts to drown. Since this person is always someone that I care about, I swim over to save them and I drown in their place- leaving them afloat. But Mike was swimming just fine; better than I was actually.
"Hey, I won't let you sink, okay? I promise." He said swimming closer to me. I didn't want to swim over to him- I didn't want Mike to be a character in this nightmare. Right as I was about to swim away though, my head was engulfed by the water. I thrashed around, the all too familiar drowning feeling washing over me; forcing liquid into my lungs, taking control of my limbs, pulling me deeper and deeper until-
"Karmen, Karmen I got you!" I was above water again with Mike's arms around me. This isn't how this is supposed to happen, but I guess Mike was changing things. I wrapped my legs around his waist and put my arms around his neck. He saved me. He was changing my nightmare and making it into something new. Maybe even a dream.
"What are you doing to me?" I asked breathlessly when the adrenaline left my system. He smiled at me and I searched his eyes for any sign that he might actually be real. I know this is a dream but everything always feels so real in this dream that I couldn't help but lean in and kiss him. He really was making things better for me, even things that aren't real.
I tangled my fingers in his hair and he tightened his grip on my waist, our lips never leaving eachother. There was so much passion and desperation in this kiss that I didn't even notice us both sink below the waterlevel. I broke away and stared at him in disbelief, but he wasn't phased. I tried to pull us back up but he just cupped my cheek and spoke- somehow clearly- through the waves
"It's okay, Karmen, it's okay. It's okay, because we went down together." And before I knew what was happening he let go of me and fell to the bottom of the ocean. Then it really started- the nightmare had begun.
I kicked my legs as hard as I could to get to the surface but two pieces of seaweed wrapped around my ankles, keeping me in place. I could feel the water rush into my lungs as I gasped in pain, every drop brought a new wave of pain as the oxygen was replaced. I tried to swim with my arms but they were helpless. I looked upon them and saw the giant gashes from my attempt had opened and were spewing blood. I swished my arms around rapidly so the blood would wash away but instead of floating away it all floated right to my face. The blood-water rushed down my throat as I screamed and it brought back the stomach pains from that night last year. It was all too real as I thrashed around bleeding and not breathing. I was trapped and helpless just like I had been a year ago. I could hear my name being called from a distance and for a second I thought it was Mike. I hoped he'd leave, though, so he wouldn't have to see me like this. It got louder and louder and I knew he wasn't going away. So I closed my eyes and waited for his repulsed scream.
It didn't come though. Instead I awoke in a sitting position being restrained by a very bruised and bloody Alex. He was holding me and rocking back and forth saying my name over and over again, occasionally throwing in a 'you're okay'. I wasn't okay though, I was crying and screaming and had blood on me- not my blood though. Alex's. I looked up just in time to see my other four roomates come into the room. Jenna's hand immediatly flew to her mouth. Tay turned her face and muttered 'Jesus Christ'. Kellin stood wide-eyed but, being the chivalrous guy he is, immediatly went to comfort Jenna and Tay. Alan went protective mode- asking if I was alright. I wanted to scream at him for being concerned about me when Alex was... Well Alex didn't look too hot.
I pulled away so I could look at him and I just wanted to run. He had a bloody nose and a black eye, numerous bruises on his arms and I'm sure his chest. His lip was bleeding and swollen. He had scratch marks on his face and arms. His legs were bruised and scratched from my kicking. He didn't look hurt though- he looked concerned. That was what scared me the most, the fact that they were worrying about me and not about Alex. I was about to crawl back into his lap and apologize for being a terrible best friend when I heard my phone vibrate. I figured it would be a text but it kept going. Tay walked over to it and looked at the I.D.
"It's Mike." She said breathlessly. I looked at Alex and he told me to go talk to Mike while he got cleaned up. I just nodded and walked over to Tay grabbing my phone.
"Who the fuck is Mike?" Alan asked when I left the room. I didn't answer the phone until I was out of the house and halfway down the beach.
"Hey babe." I said trying to hold my composure.
"Hey!" He said excitedly, he sounded almost relieved. "You weren't answering my texts and I started to worry. Like maybe you thought this was just a fling or something." He said sadly.
"No! No it isn't Mikey I was just..." I felt a tear fall down my face and I sniffled. Apparently he could tell something was wrong.
"What is it?" He asked concerned. "Karmen what's wrong?"
"Nothing I was just..." I paused, sniffling again. "I was just sleeping." I said. He asked what really happened and I assured him that I really was just sleeping. Then he asked what I was afraid he would ask.
"Did you have a bad dream?"
"Yeah, Mikey. Yeah I did. A really bad dream." I said finally letting go and crying. I told him about my dream- about both of us sinking, about me drowing and reliving my attempt, about what happened to Alex. "I don't know what's wrong with me Mikey I keep hurting everyone."
"Hey, there is nothing wrong with you." He said. "This isn't something wrong with you it's just a part of who you are. It's something that makes you, you, and so it is okay. It may not be perfect, hell it may even be a flaw, but you are a perfect combination of all your flaws. You're perfect, Kar."
"I don't want to drag you down with me, Mikey." I said breathlessly. I wasn't listening to anything that he was saying, however sweet it was. I was distracted by the thoughts in my head and what I was about to do. I didn't want to do this but I had to. I hurt Alex, I hurt Alan, and I wasn't going to hurt Mike. I coudln't.
"You won't, Kar." He said.
"I know." I replied shakily. With that I hung up the phone and promised myself that that would be the last time I spoke to Michael Fuentes.