A Few Heartbeats Away From Disaster

Right after I said it I ran outside just in time to hear Alan scream "What the fuck!" from his bedroom. I ran to my car and got in the drivers seat practically hyperventalating. What did I just say?! Did I even mean in?! I mean I definitly have strong feelings for him and I definitly could love him but, did I? Already? I've never believed in love and now I'm saying it to someone I just met? What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he leaves?
"Karmen!" I was jolted from my thoughts by an impatient and urgent looking Mike knocking on my car door window. "Karmen unlock the door so we can talk about this." Oh my gosh he doesn't feel the same. I just ruined everything all because I couldn't keep my fricken mouth shut. He's going to leave all because I pushed him and now I ruined everything. I always ruin everything!
"Karmen stop!" He screamed more urgently. "Karmen, you're hurting yourself." I looked down to see that I had been digging my fingernails into skin at my wrist and there was blood dripping down onto my leather seats. I looked up and Mike and realized that I had to look through tears. I opened the door and fell into his arms. He pulled me up and slid under me so we were both sitting in the car- me on his lap. He sat and held me while I cried for a while.
"I'm sorry, Mike. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." I gasped between sobs. "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up and I'm sorry I keep ruining everything and I'm sorry I'm selfish enough to drag you down with me." He just 'shhh'-ed me and continued to console me. Eventually my tears subsided and he pulled me away from him.
"You did it again." He said bringing my arm up to look at the fresh cuts. I hadn't even realized that he had been running his fingers up and down my forearms.
"I know I'm sorry I was just... I felt so bad for hurting Alan and Alex and you and I... I needed to be hurt too." I said looking down. He lifted my chin up and lightly kissed my lips.
"I missed you." He said. "I missed you so much and I was so worried about you. You can try to shut me out, Kar, but I'm not going anywhere. If you don't want to date because you're scared you'll hurt me- which you won't- then we don't have to date. But even if I can't do this-" he paused to kiss me again, "I can still do this." he said as he pulled me into a hug. I pulled away immediatly though and looked up at him.
"How could I not want to be with you? You're perfect." I said looking into his eyes. Eventually I laid back down against his chest and we were silent for a few minutes more.
"Kar?" He asked me. "I need you to promise me- fucking promise me Karmen- that you won't do that again. Ever. I know it's stupid and stereotypical but you're worth more than that. I know you don't think so but I know so. Promise me?" He asked.
"Yeah, Mikey." I said halfheartedly. I knew I couldn't honestly promise that.
"Say it." He said. "Say 'I promise I won't hurt myself again.'"
"I can't do that Mike...." I said back. He just nodded.
"You will."
~Mike's P.O.V.~
Kellin had only shown me two things- the beer and the couch- which was apparently all he needed. Kellin seemed really chill and I could definitly get along with him. I couldn't help but feel like he would really get along with Vic. Alex talked to us for a little while before heading off to work and man did he look like shit. I felt bad for him but mostly I was just scared for Karmen- she would blame herself and no doubt take it out on herself. The girls were in Tay's room watching a movie according to Kellin so I didn't get to talk to them. Alan didn't say anything to me, he would barely look at me. I don't know why he hated me but apparently I pissed him off.
After everything happened when Karmen got home she decided to show me the rest of the house. She went to show me Alan's room first but all we heard was 'Don't even think about it Kar.' from behind the screen.
"Anyways..." she said turning and walking down the hall, "This is Kellin and Alex's room." She opened the door to reveal Kellin sitting upside down with his head off the bed playing video games. He said a quick hello and we shut his door again turning to another, "This is Tay's room." She opened to door to reveal Tay and Jenna sitting on the bed. I flashed Tay a flirty smile and she awkwardly waved back. I had to admit, I had more fun messing with Tay than I had a lot of fans.
"Oh you can have this back, b-t-dubs." Jenna said throwing Karmen's phone at her. "I saw it on your floor and I put it back together to find like a ton of texts from Mike so I texted him our address and told him to come talk to you. I know, Jenna the matchmaker, you're welcome." she said smiling at Karmen. We went to leave when Jenna called out- "Oh and Mike, I know all about you, so if you hurt her I swear to god I will shove your drumsticks so far up your-"
"Bye Jenna!" Karmen screamed slamming the door shut. "Sorry about her..."
"It's okay. I think it's awesome how protective your friends are." That was true. I liked how even if I couldn't always be there for her she would have these five that were. It was comforting.
"And this is my room." She said opening the door. I was immediatly shocked by how much it reminded me of, well, her. The behind the door was completely covered in pictures of her and her friends while the rest of the walls were a grey-black. I walked over to her desk and saw it was scattered by pieces of paper with random lyrics and poems- all of which were amazing from what I could see. Some papers were tacked above the desk and they held longer poems and lyrics, which I could only assume were because they were finished. I walked over to the piano that was near a window that overlooked the ocean. The piano had multiple pieces of sheet music but one piece held my attention.
"Cemetery Weather?" I asked holding it up. Her face turned an adorable shade of red as she tried to grab the paper from my hands. "This song doesn't have a piano part, Kar. Did you arrange this?"
"Yeah it was for a school project and it's terrible Mike so please please please-"
"Play it for me." I moreso stated than asked. I knew she was minoring in music but I had never heard her sing or heard anything she's written.
"No Mikey it's really bad and it's your song! I couldn't do that I just-" She stammered away, rambling about how she couldn't play it and she couldn't sing.
"You can and you will." I said sitting her down at the chair in front of the computer. I sat beside her, pulling the chair from her desk over. "Go on." I said flashing one of my cheeky grins that I knew got to her.
She nodded shakily and started, "I never knew what, I would do if anybody tried to take you away, and your beautiful boy won't wait for you because he's busy with the stars and the fame...." She started out in a soprano acoustic cover of the song I was all too familiar with. The song, which was already such an amazing song, was a whole new kind of amazing coming from her. The words seemed to come out of her mouth with the same grace that she showed when she danced.
"Violent delight we'll live as if we died." She continued. It was then that I realized that there were tears brimming in her eyes. I saw a tear roll down her face and I wanted to reach over and hold her but the side of me that wanted to hear her sing won over. I hated seeing her cry, and she seemed to do it a lot, but I knew that she had a lot going on. I knew from the minute I met her that she was broken and I knew that I wanted to help fix her.
"I never know what I would do if anybody tried to take you away." She sang the last line and wiped her face clean of the salt-water. She looked up at me, searching my eyes for what I assumed was approval, but all I could do was lean down and kiss her. The kiss lasted for a while before I pulled away and said-
"I haven't ever seen that song sung with so much emotion and I was there when they wrote it." It was true. I mean Vic, Craig, and Jonny all got into their music but not like that. The way she sung that you could tell there was meaning there.
"Yeah... I guess I just really love that song." She said obviously trying to brush it off. She walked over to her bed and sat cross-legged on it.
"Kar..." I said, prying.
"How do you that? How do you automatically know when I'm hiding something?" She asked surprisingly.
"It's cause I care... I look deeper." It was partly true. The reality of it was that Karmen was an open book. Every emotion she had was displayed in her eyes and the facade of a smile she wore. I could see where other people would miss it, but if you care enough you can see it obviously.
"It's really nothing." I knew she was lying though so I pushed her, sitting on the bed across from her. "Okay it's just. Last year, when I, ya know, there were so many thoughts running through my head I couldn't tell you what I was thinking if I tried. But I do know that right before I passed out I heard that song. I heard lines from that song- from Cemetery Weather. That song was the last thing I thought before I died..." She said, more tears falling down her face.
"Hey don't cry. Damn you are always crying aren't you?" I asked laughing, trying to lighten the mood.
"Well I never used to! Just when I met you!" She said joking back. She smiled at me so that I would know she was okay.
"You're okay, Kar." I said to assure her. "That may have been the last thought you had before you did but it wasn't the last thought you had. That's a miracle Karmen and miracles don't happen to people that don't deserve them. You're still here because you deserve a second chance. And a third chance. And a fourth and a fifth and a sixth and a million chances and I will be there with you for all of them."
"Why do you put up with me, Mikey?" She asked me suddenly. I thought about my answer for a while. After thinking of all the things I could say- all the metaphors or sweet little things I could tell her, but in the end none of them really said what I knew I had to say.
"Because I love you too."