Phobic.

Oh wow how my city kid heart had raised, floated right into my throat when Ben had met my eyes, they were almost colourless, just like him, and his voice, barely a whisper, a monotone. The only splash of colour I can see about him is that rare smile, and I think it makes my heart skip a beat. I wanted him so badly, my lost little boy with only a coloured smile and fragile, shaking, china bones, but I knew if I even made a move he'd freak and bolt, and I couldn't do that. I breathe a deep sigh, turning my mouth away from him, trying to be courteous. I turn back to Ben and fix him with a smile, just a small one, not too overbearing.

My city kid attitude wanted to just grab him and twirl him round, take him in my arms and tell him not to be silly, but I couldn't, it would break him. I blink hard, control my urges to grab him and God knows what else, knowing tonight my right wrist will be in for a battering, and smile a little wider, trying to coax him.

"Where do you want to go?" I say softly, keeping my voice under control, I didn't want to spook him, "What do you want to do, Ben?"

I loved the way I said his name, rolling off my tongue and through my lips like the finest silk into the too-clean country air, and I watch as his eyes dart across the room, he's scared, of everything around, the walls, the floor, the desks, the people, me.

I lean a little closer, but not too close, as I watch his Adam's apple bob up then down and he looks around the room, "Don't be scared of me Ben, I won't hurt you, I won't make you do anything you don't want to," I exhale softly behind my hand, "I want to help."

He simply nods and smiles, chewing his lips and swallowing hard. He raises both hands on top of the table, and carefully, precisely, links his fingers one on top of the other.

"Ben?" I ask softly, and he makes a signal that he's heard, but doesn't feel the need to talk, "What's your favourite thing in the world, to eat? To drink?"

Ben gulps and looks around again, before slowly licking his lips and talking softly, "I like sparkling water.. but I don't have a favourite food…"

I nod and smile, "Well," I say softly, "I'll introduce you to my favourite ever food." I see worry flash across his features and lower my voice to a mere whisper, "I'll just show you, you don't want to eat them you don't have to Ben."

I watch him carefully, taking in every signal and learning every little idiosyncrasy about him. I find myself smiling as I watch him, and I find myself watching and watching.

I start formulating my plan, and I sit and watch him all day, sitting next to him and watching and smiling and feeling every feeling in me just grow and grow until I'm sure my brain will overload if I take in any more. The final bell of the day rings, and I sit there, watching everyone file out and expecting Ben to follow them. He stays still, staring tensely at the front of the class, hands clasped in front of him. I wait, watching from the corner of my eye, and I see his hands start to shake.

"Ben?" I say after a while, when his hands and his lips are quivering and his eyes are darting everywhere but me, "The bell has gone…?"

Ben stares straight ahead at the blackboard, now wiped clean, and I see his hands shaking. When he speaks every word is calmly enunciated, and his lips move slowly, carefully, "You're still here. I, I don't move until everyone's gone, and you're still here. Could you move please?"

I nod calmly, and gather my bag, carefully making my way around Ben, trying to figure out what I'll say to him. I turn around at the door and regard Ben, who is still sat calmly at his desk.

"Ben?" I say, and he nods, "Do you want me to come over to your house tonight?"

Ben shakes his head softly, "No, no one comes in my room. Could you move please?"

"In a minute," I say softly, flicking my fringe out of the way, "So, you don't want to come outside, but you don't want me to come to your house?"

Ben chews his lip then nods, ever so slowly, before taking a small breath and speaking, "But I still want to spend time with you…" He whispers, half unsure whether he should even say that.

I nod slowly, "I have a plan. I'll see you later Ben, you take care, okay?"

I almost hear the crack of his neck as he whips his head up to look at me. I inhale sharply at the shine in his eyes, the dull of his skin and the china of his bones as he sits there shaking. I clench my fists to stop myself reaching out to him, and exhale slowly. I smile a small smile at my boy in white and shut the door behind me, walking away with a self-satisfied grin on my face.

I wander home slowly, grabbing myself a coffee from somewhere that finally does drinks to go, and sip it on the streets. All I can think of is my china boy and my plan for tonight.

I veer into Tesco, hoping this small Express branch will stock my lovely, lovely Oreos. It takes a few minutes of scouting the aisles, and I find a packet and happily snatch them off the shelves. I pay with the small amount of change left in my pockets and give the good-looking boy on the counter a smile. Shame he scowls back.

I keep a smile on my face, appearance is everything to a city kid, and take a quick detour to Ben's house, wracking my brains for the street name. I stand and lean on my road sign, staring up at his bedroom, noting there's a porch with a flat roof right underneath his window. I smile, take a glance around, seeing no one in sight and slip across the road. I reach up to the porch and find it's easy to hoist myself up there. I stand there measuring the height, thinking, until a woman's voice tells me to get away from there, probably just a nosy neighbour.

I shy away, shove my hands in my pockets, I didn't need confrontation tonight. I hang my head and this time hurry back home, knocking on the door and wishing even more I'd get my keys cut. My dad lets me in with a simple hello and a smile. I greet him similarly and make my way straight upstairs, determined to find something that can help my china boy.

I slump down onto my bed, closing my eyes and exhaling softly. All I can see is my china boys colourless eyes, and his soft, chapped smile, and this feeling rushes over me, a shiver that I remember from city days and cherry red hair.

I make a glance at my door, hoping Dad will leave me alone for a while, and close my eyes once more, slipping open the button of my jeans and sliding my right hand into my boxers, sighing softly as my china boy fills my brain. Yep, my right wrist is in for battering tonight.

An hour or two later, when my throat is aching from holding back moans, and my right fingers are cramping, I slip into the shower, refreshing myself quickly, shrugging on new clothes and my hooded parka, and grab my Oreos. I make sure to leave my window open a little so I can get back in later, and slip out of the house.

It's around half past six when I reach Ben's house, stand at my road sign before taking a long look around. The street is empty, and I approach the porch quickly, easily swinging up onto the roof. I exhale softly, nope, a city kid never loses their monkey-like climbing abilities. I fix my hair with a quick hand in my fringe, and fix a smile on my lips, before quickly tapping on Ben's window.

In a second I see his head poke from behind a doorframe, and he looks shocked, his eyebrows rising slightly until I smile at him. He slowly makes his way over to me, and sees my hand resting on the window. Ben gives me a look, bites his lip, and I apologise instantly, moving my hand.

“There,” I say when he’s opened the window a crack and his eyes are no longer obscured by glass, “Now I don’t have to be in your room, but you can stay there and we can still hang out!”

I see a ghost of a smile light up his features, and settle on the asphalt covering the porch roof, leaving me mid-window height and smiling at my china boy, “So Ben, how are you?”

He nods, slowly, thinking every action and word before it happens and taking everything so carefully. I admired his stature, so careful and considerate where as I was so reckless and brash. He speaks quietly, and drinks in every detail of his surroundings; uncomfortable with the open window I could tell.

“Good... yeah, good.” He says, baring a small smile again. After a few seconds he remembers the normal social reaction to a question, and gulps, his throat convulsing, “You?”

I nod, flexing my wrist and smiling at Ben, “Yeah, I’ve been good.”

A small awkward pause lingers through the air, but I’m desperate to keep the conversation going, and I gulp, trying to think of something to say. I see the gloves covering Ben’s twitching hands, and although I’m trying not to ask too many questions, my voice leaps and I just can’t stop myself.

“Do you always wear those gloves?”

Ben nods, and I see what little of his personality that was known shrink back into it’s shell. I immediately regret the question, yet long for the answer, “Otherwise the germs..” He looks down at the windowsill, and I see his lips curl in revulsion and his muscles twitch as I imagine he sees the germs on the plastic.

“If... Have you got any gloves I can have? Maybe I could help, we could… relate better maybe Ben?” I cross my fingers behind my back, wishing he would say yes, wishing he would let me in. He exhales softly and walks away from the window, once more out of my view. I chew my lips, wondering where he's disappeared to once more, when he remerges. I quickly see the pair of white gloves held precariously in his hand, and smile reassuringly at Ben. He quickly, and barely, leans out the window, passing me the gloves, without our hands touching, and I slip them on.

I smile up at him, clambering up from my position on the asphalt and placing my hands on the windowsill, inches from Bens. I see the worry splash across his face, and smile gently at him, "Don't worry Ben, it's okay, the gloves… right?"

I look down a little, right into his eyes since I'm slightly taller than him, and I see him exhale slowly, his chest cave a little. I smile; try to make him smile too, and I see the corners of lips simply curve. That's enough, and I can't look away, just holding his eyes for what seems like forever. But I don’t think forever was enough, and when I close my eyes, aching from staring so long, and when I open them again only a split second later, Ben is staring at the windowsill beneath us.

I sigh a little, but not noticeably, and reach behind me, taking my gloves off so as not to contaminate them. I hold them in one hand, and reach for my bag with the other, quickly pulling out my Oreos.

"Remember I said I'd show you my favourite food Ben?" He nods, watching me in every detail now, "Well here they are.." I hesitate, hovering the packet over the windowsill, "Can I?" Ben nods once more, and I place the packet on the sill. I shove my gloves in my pocket so I don't drop them, and then carefully open the packet and pull out the box of Oreos.

"You don't have to you know Ben..." He nods a little, then fixes a careful, but nervous smile on his face. I pick an Oreo up and nibble at it a little watching Ben, but he doesn't move. I smile reassuringly, and he watches my bare hands. Carefully and slowly, Ben reaches forward, and I frown a little, wondering, and even though I know I shouldn't say it, my city kid attitude is just careless, "Do you always eat with the gloves on Ben?" He looks up at me, fingers inches from the Oreos, and his lips shook a little, before he nodded slightly. My mouth makes an 'oh' shape, "All the.. germs from the things you touch.. get on the food?"

Bens face falls, and my God, I feel like running, why did I have to say that? I lift my head to say sorry, but I see Ben walking away, and watch him sit on the edge of his bed, a few feet from the window.

"Ben?" I say softly, chewing my lips. But he just stares at his hands clasped before him, and his chest rises and falls softly, "Ben, I'm sorry..." He doesn't move, and I slump against the wall beneath his window, drawing my knees to my chest. I rest my head on my knees and exhale softly, but I can let Ben be drawn into himself again.

I can't give up.

I lift my head and raise my voice so he can hear me, "I was just curious Ben.., I'm sorry... I wanted to find out everything I could. I wanted to find out how you work. I want to help you..." I lean my head against the bricks and look up at the open window. If I listened I could hear him breathing, and exhale myself, "Let me help you Ben..."

I hear nothing, and lean my head against the wall, looking at the sky before me. I half wonder whether I should just go home, but no, city kids don't give up. I set my lips into a grim determination; I would help my china boy.

Just as I decide that, a shadow falls over me, blocks out some of the light pouring from his open window, and my neck almost cracks as I look up. I grin as I see Ben, stood at his window, looking down at me, smiling.

I clamber up and look at him, almost in awe, he looks brighter, his smile looks more real, and as I glance down I nearly gasp in shock – his gloves were lying, feet away, on the bed. I furrow my eyebrows at him as he messes with the Oreo packet, fumbling into he pulls a biscuit out and slowly raises it to his lips.

He stops a few inches away, and looks at me, as I stare at him in shock, where the hell did that come from? He smiles, "You were right, germs from the gloves onto the food isn't good."

I nod, short and sharp, and watch him in awe as my china boy lifts the Oreo to his lips, and takes the tiniest bit ever, but it's enough, I couldn't care, I beam so hard it's blinding.

"It's nice," He murmurs, smiling and taking a slightly larger bite.

"Good," I murmur, smiling, grinning at him, and I push the packet towards him, "Keep the packet." I nod to reassure him when he looks at me questioningly, and he nods back, pulling them towards him. I smile, until he breaks our everlasting gaze, glances over my shoulder.

I wonder how long we've been there, since I at last notice the gloom shrouding us, I didn’t even notice how dark it was before. Ben chews his lips, and moves away from the window slightly, "I should go, it's getting late..."

My face falls, but sure, sure I understand. I lean down and pick up my bag, slinging it over my shoulder. I smile at Ben, and he smiles back, "Goodbye Parker, see you tomorrow."

I grin, and wave, "See you," I watch as he shuts the window, draws the curtains, but I don’t leave, not yet. I see his shadow move, I see his shadow undressing, and God, nothing tests me more, I clench my fists, tap my feet, and then I just see his light, before it flickers into darkness.

I place my hand on the window and rest my forehead on the cool glass, "Good night, sleep tight my Ben."