A Family Drama Casted With My Life

The real drama began on a September night, not the silly rumor kind of high
school but the terror filled family kind. I remember my night started off great with the
gray clouds moving out of the way of the pretty pale moon that shined in the darkened
sky like a beacon of hope, a hope that would soon be shattered. Inside the house I was in
my room watching the same TV show I always watch, content as a church mouse while
sitting on my soft squishy bed. I giggled softly to myself as Morticia, from the early 1960s
TV show The Addams Family, made her way across the screen to feed her meat eating
plant Cleopatra.

The show could always make me feel better no matter what had happened earlier
in the day, but tonight the air seemed to contain something deadly. A moment later the ear
piercing, angry shrieks started. Such a startling sound that had only recently become a
constant pang of pain in my heart. I just knew that it would echo in my brain for years to
come. It was the sound of my brother’s agony as he experienced another one of his
episodes. Amidst the chaos that had become my world, my mother slipped in my room
cautiously with tears shimmering in her eyes.

“Pack an overnight bag. I’m taking you to grandmas.” She hissed out and quietly
left the room to continue in trying to calm down the raging monster. As I turned off the
TV, which had one of my only comforts playing on it, I could now make out the words
being screamed at my parents.

“Get the heck away from me!!” My brother was shouting, his gruff voice mangled by the sobs that came from his mouth just minutes ago. I closed my eyes briefly trying to
ignore the pounding steps of my little brothers feet as he raced around the house mad as
an insane asylum inmate. I suppressed the tears that wanted to over flow my eyes and face
like rivers of sorrow. I have to be strong now, I thought again and again, I have to be
strong now.

“Honey, it’s okay. It’s okay, just calm down. The neighbors are going to call the
police of you don’t stop screaming,” my mother insisted. I could almost hear the tears
sliding down her face like perfect glass diamonds.

“I DON’T CARE!!!” My brother fired back in a full panicked scream.

“Please Jay…” the defeat in my father’s voice was evident, but he and my mother
pushed on trying anything and everything to calm the raging beast inside my brother. My
brother that used to be so innocent, and now was experiencing a pain that neither he nor
anyone else should ever go through.

I opened my eyes after I was sure I would not cry. I went straight for my closet to
pull out my duffle bag that had been used for sleepovers so many a times. I angrily
starting shoving clothes into the bag and quickly unplugged my alarm clock, knowing I
would not be able to wake with out it. I threw a pair of shoes and my belt in as well.

Just as I was about to brave the terror outside the comfort of my room, my eye
caught my fluffy little friend. I walked back across my room and picked up my stuffed
animal Trojan. I held his soft, tiger body close to my chest in a tight hug. I took him
with me on my way out of my safe haven. As I crept out of my room, I paused to hear
what my mother and father were talking about.

“Shirley, I just can’t do this anymore.” My dad said crestfallenly to my mom.

“You have to help me,” She replied her voice firm but afraid, “I can’t do this by
myself.”

“I know, I know, it’s just so hard.” He carefully responded in a hushed voice.

I quickly ran into the living room as if trying to out run the tears that wanted to
pour over. The living room was the only current place my brother would not dare go in. I
flung myself on the cold leather couch and buried my face into the pillow I was taking
with me to my grandma’s empty house. I tried to ignore the events taking place in my
house.

I turned my head to watch as my brother stormed past, almost butt naked, as my
parents followed him. My dad caught my eye and came into the living room. He
knelt beside the place I lay and gently rubbed my back.

“I’m so sorry Rachel, I love you.” He murmured, his voice filled with sadness and
tiredness that he failed to hide.

“It’s okay dad,” I whispered back, not daring to raise my voice any louder.

“No, no it’s not,” and after those few words were said he got back up. I watched
him walk out of the living room with his shoulders slightly sagging, whereas he usually
stands proudly with his shoulders held back. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying. Be
strong, I whispered in my head.

After minutes of my brothers rampage and repeated screaming of words such as
“Where are the knives?” and “Leave me alone!!” I heard the shower start. His muffled
sobs echoed throughout the house as the burning hot water bit at his skin, because he
refused to use the cold water.

“You’re not alone in this. I love you, and dad loves you. We all love you. Rachel
too. You can make it through this, I know you can. Just try.” I heard my mother plead
with him as well as the begging words of my father.

“No she doesn’t, and I can’t do this!!” I heard him shriek at them.

“I do too love you,” I whispered angrily to myself and pulled the pillow over my
ears, I did not want to hear any more. Moments later my mother came into the room.

“You ready to go?” She asked. I sat up and drank in her bottomless sorrowful
expression. Her eyes were worry filled and sleep deprived. The wrinkles on her face
seemed deeper than I remembered. It was enough to bring fresh tears to my eyes but I
fought them back with all my might. I had to be strong for her, I just had to be.

I got up slowly and tossed my bag around my shoulder as I embraced Trojan
again. She turned to walk to the front door and I followed silent as a ghost of forgotten
dreams. The door creaked loudly, like it too was crying, as she opened it.

The car ride to my grandma’s house was wordless as I looked out the window to
watch the dull, empty streets. The city itself seemed to hold a weary sadness in it too, like
the city could feel our pain and was mimicking it. When we arrived at the dark house I
stepped out of the car and trudged slowly up to the two steps, waiting patiently for my
mom to unlock the door. My mom pulled me into a warm embrace that seemed to last for
eternity but ended all too soon.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” She whispered and turned to leave. I love you, I
mouthed after her and stood at the window as I watched her drive away.

As soon as my mother was gone I headed straight for the bedroom, turning on the
hall light so I could see as I make my way to the back of the house. I set my bag down
next to the bed. I climbed onto the mattress and breathed in the familiar, comforting scent
of my grandma. I clung onto Trojan as if my life depended on it and cried my heart out.

I was so afraid for my little brother, he was too young to be experiencing the kind
of mental pain and issue he is going through. I felt and still feel so utterly helpless, so
helpless that it brought me to tears and still brings me to tears. I hate the feeling of not
being able to help the ones you love, and I never want anyone to ever feel like I did. I
want to change the world and make it a better place for everyone, which is such a naïve
wish that it makes me laugh sadly at myself, but it is a wish I hold deep in my heart. Although how could someone so small as me with just one voice make a difference in this world that seems so huge and violent?