The Right Thing

I’d given in, finally packing the remainder of my things and calling the moving company. The teenage girl that had shown interest in my car was more than willing to get her father to shell out the cash for it, which turned out to be nearly enough to pay the movers. I sold my refrigerator and couch at the last minute and easily made up the difference, glad that I didn’t have to dip into my savings and happy that Sidney wouldn’t be able to pay them before and pull a fast one on me like he had more than once.

I allowed it when he offered to buy my plane ticket and didn’t try to argue my case for flying coach like a normal person. I knew it wouldn’t do me any good; it would simply have been a waste of breath. It wouldn’t have been worth it and he wouldn’t have listened for so much as a second.

I had a number of friends who threw me a party the night before I left. My things were packed, the last of my clothing and shoes shoved into two suitcases that were ready to burst at the seams. The apartment was completely empty and I knew that I wouldn’t sleep until I was on the plane to Pittsburgh and I was fine with the arrangement, prepared to spend my night out with friends that I hadn’t seen much of since college.

It was more for show than anything. We’d never been close. I could count my dearest friends on one hand and only two of them were at the party. It was more of an excuse to go out drinking on a Wednesday night and I wasn’t feeling like complaining.

More than anything, I was looking forward to it. I was anxious about the move. Seeing my apartment bare and my life barreling down the road headed for Pittsburgh, I was struck by the permanence of it. I knew that the flight to Pennsylvania would be one of the hardest I’d ever endured and I figured the only way to get through it without having to use the barf-bag would be to sleep through it. In order to do that, I would need to pull an all-nighter and that required copious amounts of alcohol.

I’d left a dress out for the occasion. I shimmied into the emerald frock and slipped on my heels, the ones that Sidney both loved and loathed. He must have known I was about to leave the house because my phone was ringing just as I managed to secure the halter at the back of my neck. I dropped my hair over my shoulders and picked up the phone as I waited for my ride.

“Don’t get into any trouble.”

He didn’t even give me a chance to say hello.

“I hadn’t planned on it. Just killing time until my flight.”

“When do you fly out?”

“Haven’t we already had this conversation?”

We had; a number of times. He knew when I would be landing. I’d be in Pittsburgh just after eight in the morning and while I’d originally planned on finding my way to the house in Sewickley to go through the boxes that would be arriving before me, Sidney wouldn’t hear of it.

He insisted on picking me up at the airport, but because of their practice schedule that meant that I would be tagging along to the arena while the boys practiced. I’d been promised the best seat in the house, though I knew he wasn’t being literal. Still, I was anxious. Regardless of having met the rest of the team, save for a few of the new guys, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about watching a closed practice with the staff and local media. It was especially intimidating given the fact that the series would only be a few days away.

It was even more intimidating seeing as I would be there having slept very little and likely wearing a dress that smelled like a combination of the Boston bar scene and an airplane.

I hadn’t told Sidney that I was worried about it simply because he had enough on his plate.

“Just refresh my memory.”

“I fly out at 6:05 tomorrow morning and will be arriving at 8:12. At which time you will be driving my hungover ass to the arena where I will watch you practice and pretend not to be a fish out of water.”

“You’ll be sitting with Mario.”

“Doesn’t make me feel like I belong there.”

“You belong wherever I am. I want you there, not at the house unpacking boxes and worrying about things you don’t need to worry about until the season is over.”

“So you just want me to leave my stuff in boxes?”

“For the time being.”

I sighed and searched through my purse for a pair of earrings that I remembered tossing in during an outing the week before. Putting them in with only one hand free was another challenge completely, but I was up for it. It turned out there were a lot of challenges that I was willing to face and most of those were more daunting than one-handing a pair of earrings.

“I can’t just leave all of my things in boxes.”

“That doesn’t mean that you have to unpack everything all at once the second you get to town. And don’t argue, because you know damn well that is exactly what you would do. You have a little time to relax. There will be plenty of time to get things done.”

“I know it,” I relented. “You know I get antsy.”

“Which is why you have to learn to take things in stride sometimes. Like tonight, it will be good practice.”

“Practice for what?”

“Letting loose. Having fun and not worrying about being responsible all the time.”

“That’s rich coming from you.”

“You know damn well that I know how to let my hair down. I’m just careful about when and who I’m with when I do it.”

“Fine.”

“What’s the plan for tonight?”

“Drinks.”

“The real plan.”

“Well, I’ll say goodbye to my apartment when Nicole gets here to pick me up. I’ll put my bags in her car and she’ll be my DD for the evening. I’m not sure why she agreed to do it but I assume it means that I owe her one. We’ll meet some friends for a late dinner, get hammered, dance some of the alcohol out of our systems, and eventually she and I will go out for an early breakfast before she takes me to the airport.”

“That’s your last night in Boston, eh?”

“Last night living in Boston. I’ll be back next week.”

He chuckled. “Do your friends in Boston know that?”

“Nope.”

I heard a horn blaring from the street below. I knew that it was Nicole, beating out the same rhythm we’d tapped on the door of our shared room in our freshman year, though I’d done a lot more knocking than she had. In the year we’d been roommates I hadn’t sexiled her once, though I had locked her out to study for midterms. I on the other hand, was forced to do a lot of studying in the library and the hallway outside our room.

She liked to stay busy.

“Nic’s here.”

“Don’t keep her waiting.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Wyn. Have fun tonight.”

“I will,” I murmured. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“What time was that again?”

“Goodbye, Sidney.”

I chuckled to myself and looked around the apartment. The drawers and cabinets were all empty. Everything that I had left was crammed into the suitcases near the door.

It felt strange to leave, to turn the lights off and lock the door one last time. I’d left my key on the peninsula in the kitchen. Sebastian still had his copy, marred from years of use and abuse. He’d refused to return it to me, saying that he’d have it framed for posterity’s sake and I knew that the landlord wasn’t counting. Sebastian had been gone for almost three years and he’d never asked about it.

Sidney had a copy as well. He made it after having to borrow Sebastian’s when he’d rushed to Boston to make sure I was still alive. He said he was keeping it as a souvenir. I didn’t mind.

I heard the same rhythm tapped out on the car horn once again and took a deep breath.

I took one last look and let the door shut behind me, the lock clicking into place. A chapter of my life over in a flash. I managed to make it out onto the street with my cumbersome luggage in a pair of heels that were bound to be killing me by the time the night was over.

Nicole popped the trunk and I lugged the bags into place. I adjusted my dress as I rounded the car, making sure no one got flashed as I shoved the bags into the trunk. It wouldn’t have mattered if I had. Anyone in the neighborhood who’d seen too much wouldn’t ever see me again. We were no longer neighbors and it wasn’t like I’d known many of them to begin with.

“Thanks for the help,” I muttered as I dropped into the passenger seat.

“You seemed to have control of it.”

I rolled my eyes as she fixed her lipstick in the mirror and swiftly pulled away from the curb.

It was nice to see old friends, people that I hadn’t really heard from since college. It was a great way to remember things from my first couple of years in the city, some that I would have been just fine having forgotten. We shared a good meal and danced to terrible music all while drinking alcohol that I didn’t seem to need to buy. It always seems to taste better when someone else is footing the bill.

It was three in the morning when Nicole and I rolled into the diner where we’d often shared meals as roommates years before. We took the same booth we’d always chosen and ordered from memory. It was the type of place that never changed. Even the waitress was familiar.

Her eyes lingered on us for a moment as if to ask if she knew us from somewhere. It had been years since I’d slid into that booth with its cracked leather and stained Formica tabletop.

“So,” she said as she leaned back into the booth and mussed her curls in her reflection in the window. “When are you going to come clean about the real reason you’re headed to Pittsburgh?”

“What reason would that be?”

“The reason where this boyfriend of yours isn’t who you say he is.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“We lived together, Bronwyn. I know how your brain works and I know the types you date. Bronwyn Doyle would never date some lame financier. You get bored too easily. Besides, you seem to know nothing about this guy which tells me he doesn’t exist because you know people you’ve met only once. Who is he?”

I killed time before answering by kicking off my shoes and changing into a pair of flip-flops that I’d had tucked in my purse. The heels would be shoved into my luggage with everything else; I just prayed the seams and zippers on the bags would hold against the added strain.

“Out with it.”

She sipped at her soda as we waited for our meals.

“Sidney Crosby,” I said in return. My voice was barely audible but I knew that she heard me.

“I knew it.”

Her tone was matter-of-fact. She didn’t seem surprised or shocked in the slightest. She seemed nonchalant about it all. It was like she’d been waiting for me to say those exact words.

“Did Sebastian tell you?”

“I haven’t talked to Sebastian since that party on my uncle’s yacht the summer after graduation.”

That party hadn’t been my finest hour and was one of the less pleasant memories that had been brought up during my going away party. The only one that was worse involved the trip several of us had taken for Nicole’s twenty-first birthday. Both were things that it would take a lobotomy to forget.

“Then how did you know?”

“The way you acted at the bar the night we were watching the game was a dead giveaway. I don’t think anyone else noticed, but I know you better than every other person in that bar could ever attempt to. I know you’re a fan. I sat through countless hours of you screaming at the TV when we should have been studying. I know how you act as a fan, but that outburst was something completely new. It wasn’t like you at all. I got suspicious. I even watched a few games while you were on your random trips to Pittsburgh and caught a glimpse of you in the owner’s box when they were showing that Lemieux guy on TV.

“I may not know a damn thing about hockey, but I know that not just anyone watches a Penguins game from three feet away from Mario Lemieux.”

“So you just wanted to hear me say it?”

“Pretty much.”

She took another long sip of her soda and left it at that, checking her lipstick, a brilliant vermillion shade, in the side of the napkin holder.

She didn’t ask about him, she didn’t mention his name again.

She didn’t ask how we met or what he was like. She didn’t beg for details about the way we spent our time or how we managed to date in secret when everyone in Pittsburgh seemed to know who he was. She didn’t even ask what I would do with my time once I got to Pennsylvania.

We talked about my plans for the summer which were still up in the air, so much depending on Sidney’s schedule for the summer. But she didn’t seem to need details in the way Sebastian needed to.

Nicole was vain at best, but that didn’t mean she didn’t understand the way I worked in a way that Sebastian didn’t. She was the only friend that I knew I would miss. I wouldn’t miss her primping in store windows or checking her mascara on the backs of spoons, but I would miss the fact that she didn’t need to ask questions.

She knew that I would tell her whatever I felt was necessary. If I didn’t want to talk about it, the conversation didn’t ever need to happen. I could tell she was curious but she tried not to let on.

“You’ll be back, right?”

“They’re playing the Bruins and I might even need a date to a couple of games.”

She smiled and moved her manicured hands in a quick flourish across her chest. “I’m a wonderful date. Pretty cheap too. I might only cost you two beers and a plate of nachos.”

“I’ll be back plenty. Sid has friends here too. We met here. It’s not like I’m moving to Pittsburgh never to return again.”

“Good to know. But I’ll still miss you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Does he make you happy?”

“Happier than you could possibly imagine.”

“Then you have nothing to be sorry about.” She was sincere then gave me a playful smile. “So, about these tickets?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, just as she’d meant to make me. We spent most of the early morning hours laughing, it was the best way I could imagine to say goodbye to the town that I’d called home for seven years; sharing a meal with my first roommate in a diner that we’d frequented during our college years.

It was a goodbye that almost made it easier to leave.

Sidney was waiting when I landed, a cap pulled down over his eyes and a smile on his face. I still wasn’t used to the subtle lisp of his speech from the mangled teeth of the right side of his lower jaw. He greeted me quietly as he loaded my suitcases into the back of his SUV.

He was relaxed, looking forward to the series that was waiting for them in a matter of days. More than anything, he seemed ready to play again. They appreciated the time to tighten up and work on little things before the series started, but he could only go without a game for so long before he started getting antsy.

I took in the practice with Mario and a number of other members of the staff in the stands. Mario took it upon himself to introduce me to those that I didn’t know or hadn’t met up until that point. I could only assume that Sidney had asked him to do it, to make sure that it was known who I was and that he expected me to be welcomed as such. It made me feel a little uncomfortable, but I knew why he did it and a part of me appreciated it.

I also appreciated being back at the guest house. I hadn’t known how much I’d missed my little desk tucked away near the window. I hadn’t realized how much more comfortable Sidney’s bed was compared to mine. More than anything, I appreciated how it felt to be near him again.

The feeling that the change would be too much all at once still lingered. I couldn’t shake the thoughts that I would throw Sidney off of his game, that my being in Pittsburgh permanently would change things too much for a guy so set in his ways.

After their first loss to Boston, Sidney refused to give my concerns the time of day. If I tried to mention it he waved it off or walked away. He was becoming skilled at changing the subject. He went on with his routines as if my being there was no different than what he was used to.

His confidence in his team remained. He didn’t seem worried that things would go south. He didn’t really talk about it at home, more willing to talk about what needed to be done to settle into the house, which was part of the plan before we headed to California for the beginning of the summer. He managed not to actually mention the summer itself, one of his many superstitions, but he still managed to talk about our future.

But as much as he didn’t want to talk about my worries, I didn’t give him much choice after Boston mopped the ice with them in game two.

I rode back to Sewickley with Nathalie and I was in bed before Sidney got back. I’d waited in the arena after the first game, willing to make the trip home with Sid. His play in game two, however, told me that he needed time and perhaps even space when he got home.

I’d considered crashing at Sebastian’s, but Sid was leaving the next day for Boston and I wanted the chance to see him before my flight followed on Wednesday. I didn’t want him to leave annoyed and if I simply stayed in the city with Bastian, Sid would be unhappy.

I heard him get home and sneak down the hall to the bedroom.

It took a moment for him to realize that while the house was dark and the door had been locked, I wasn’t in bed where he’d expected to find me. He headed towards the kitchen first, likely looking for a note explaining why I wasn’t there, but as he turned the corner, he spotted me. It hadn’t taken him long.

“Babe, why are you on the couch?”

“I’m sleeping here tonight.”

“Why?”

“I think you need your space.”

He sighed. “We aren’t going through this again.”

“Maybe we should.”

“Why?”

“Because I appear to be the chink in your armor. I am the only thing that has changed since the last series and I don’t even want to mention how it appears to have impacted your ability to play hockey.”

“You’ve got nothing to do with us losing games.”

“I know you don’t actually believe that.”

He flipped on the overhead light, flooding the living room with the glow of halogen. He saw the look on my face and I caught a clear glimpse of him. He looked haggard, tired from a game that hadn’t gone his way.

He tapped my leg, prompting me to sit up and make room for him. He lounged on the sofa, making himself comfortable before dragging me towards him. I wound up tucked between his thighs, the back of my head resting on his collarbone. The side of his face brushed mine.

“Fine.”

“Fine?” I asked.

“I can’t be sure that you’re being here has nothing to do with this. Yes, I’m off my game. No, this isn’t the way we wanted to start the series. I’m not going to start searching for things to blame.”

“But if it’s me—“

“If it’s you, that’s too fucking bad. You’re here and I don’t intend to let you leave. I’ve driven you back to that airport too many times as it is. You live in Pittsburgh now. It’s that simple.”

“So you’ll just spend the rest of your life with me and become a shitty hockey player?”

“No, I’ll adjust. This will become my normal because it’s the only normal I want. I’m not going to deny myself the best thing that I’ve ever had because I need some time to adjust to it.”

“I shouldn’t have come before the end of the season.”

“It doesn’t matter, Wyn. You’re here now and I want you here.”

“I don’t want you to regret this.”

“The only thing I will ever regret is not getting enough time with you. Now, I’m taking you to bed.”

“I told you, I’m sleeping on the couch.”

“No, you aren’t. I need a good night’s sleep to recover from that clusterfuck of a game. I’m not going to get that if you’re playing the villain in your own version of our story. You’re coming to bed with me. That’s it.”

He left me no room to argue and I followed him down the hall, my pillow in one hand and Sidney latched onto the other. I curled up in my side of the bed as Sid peeled off the layers of his suit and followed me under the covers. I wound up nestled against his chest, my breathing matching his as we both danced along the line between the waking world and the dreams that awaited us.

“Please stop blaming yourself,” he murmured in the dark. “I’m perfectly capable of controlling my actions and I’m in control of the way I play. If I haven’t figured out how to focus while I’m at the rink after more than twenty years of playing, that’s my problem and no one else’s.”

“Then maybe you should work on controlling your play.”

He huffed a laugh into my hair. “You should consider coaching.”

“Maybe.”

I yawn hit me, coming from somewhere near my toes.

“Goodnight,” he whispered as my eyes fluttered closed.

“Night.”

I was awake in time to send him off to practice the next morning. He’d be on the plane to Boston after they skated and I would be back in Boston the next day.

I tried to go about my day normally, taking my time in slipping a few items into a carry-on that would be my only luggage on the trip back. I had no one to impress and would be sitting in the stands with Nicole for both games. I knew that Sidney would try to pull me away and get time alone, but I would outright refuse. He needed his focus to be on the game, not on his girlfriend.

It meant that I could pack light and dress comfortably for the duration of my stay back in Boston.

I met Nicole at the arena and we picked up our tickets before finding our seats near the glass. I was anxious being so close and she seemed to realize that I wasn’t up for talking. She stayed quiet and watched the game, though I knew it wasn’t easy to hold her interest. She managed to focus on the ice as I sat next to her wringing my hands. They were ice cold, not from our proximity to the playing surface, but rather from the fact that I was terrified.

They were playing better than they had during game two, but they couldn’t have played much worse than they had back in Pittsburgh. Still, when Boston got the first goal early, I started to feel more uneasy than I was accustomed to.

Sid wouldn’t admit it to anyone, not even me, but he still wasn’t quite himself. He was tentative and hesitant in places where he’d once been fearless. Playing without the guard on his jaw against a team like Boston made him feel vulnerable and he didn’t handle that feeling well.

Nicole even seemed to notice but she didn’t say a word. She knew that I was already worried about the game and about Sidney. She wasn’t about to rub salt in the wound when I was already so edgy.

By the start of the second overtime, I was exhausted and had I not been terrified as the clock ticked down, I probably wouldn’t have been able to keep my eyes open. It didn’t help that I hadn’t slept the night before with Sidney already gone and thoughts of the foreseeable outcomes of the series running through my brain.

Nicole slipped off to concessions to get us some caffeine in case there ended up being a third overtime. She couldn’t have timed it worse if she’d tried.

I was suddenly alone in the crowd of over 17,000 people and my concussion prone boyfriend who had just healed from a broken jaw, was out on the ice without a helmet which he’d lost just a few yards from where I was seated. I could only imagine how Trina was feeling watching the game back in Cole Harbour. She probably couldn’t even watch and I was struggling to keep my eyes on him, praying that nothing horrible would happen.

He had picked one hell of a time to stop fearing getting himself in the dirtiest bits of ice.

Nicole looked concerned when she got back with one of the biggest sodas I’d ever seen.

“You’re white as a sheet,” she said.

She leaned into me, her lips to my ear just so I could hear her over the roar of the crowd.

“Sid lost his helmet.”

She didn’t reply, just sat back into her seat until it was over. Bergeron got one past Tomas and that was the end of it. If the boys didn’t win the next game, it would all be over. Their season was done.

I was sick to my stomach at the thought. My heart sank as the nausea rose up into my throat.

I went back to the hotel, Nicole being kind enough to drive me there in silence. We would do the same thing on Friday with a result that I hoped would send the boys back to Pittsburgh with a win in hand. But my head throbbed as I wondered if it would happen.

I didn’t call or text Sidney. I knew that if he wanted to talk, a rarity after losses, especially the ones that hurt; he would call. And this one stung, even from a distance. He would seek me out when it felt right and I wasn’t about to push myself on him. I needed sleep and curled up under the covers in a pair of shorts and one of the many t-shirts that I’d pilfered from Sidney’s closet.

It was past two when I woke to a knock on my door.

He looked like hell.

“Don’t you need your rest?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“Sorry, babe.”

“Come upstairs with me?”

It wasn’t really a question; it was more of a command.

“Sidney—“

“Please?”

It was a plea from a very tired, very worried man. I had no reason to say no.

I grabbed the key to my room, slipped into a pair of shoes and followed him out into the hallway. His hand found mine immediately. He didn’t hesitate. He didn’t care if we were spotted, he just wanted, perhaps even needed, something to hold onto. I let him lead me towards the elevators, my hand tucked securely in his.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured as we stepped into the elevator.

I was sorry they’d lost. I was sorry he was beating himself up over it. I was sorry because he wasn’t producing the goals and points that they needed. I was sorry because it was becoming clear, that regardless of his feelings about it, I was the change in his life, the one big thing that could truly be throwing him off.

He didn’t speak until we were curled up in his bed. His teammates were all in the rooms surrounding us. I was sure a few had opted to hit a bar or two and Sidney wasn’t likely to be the only one sharing his bed. He wrapped himself around me, clinging to me as if I were a buoy in unfriendly waters. I was dragging him down, I knew it, but I was also somehow keeping him afloat.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he whispered.

“But—“

“I’m serious. I’m done having this conversation with you. You aren’t the cause of any of this so you need to stop blaming yourself. I was in control of my game all season and I should be now. You aren’t the cause of my bad nights. Sometimes, you’re the only thing that keeps the bad nights at bay.”

“I know you want to win this.”

“I always want to win. Friday is another day and from here we take it a game at a time.”

“Would it help things, distraction-wise, if I watched from here?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you aren’t a distraction?”

I wiggled backwards, pressing my body against his, taking away any and all of the space that had been between us.

“You keep my bad nights at bay too,” I replied after a moment.

I felt his lips on my neck, not searching, not desperate. He kissed me to let me know that he was there and that he’d heard me.

I was struck, as I laid there thinking back on nights that could have been hard for us, by something that his grandmother Linda had told me at Christmas. It was the one and only time we’d ever meet and her words lingered in my mind. She’d asked me to take care of him and I realized that had nothing to do with cooking his pregame meal or taking his suits to the cleaner.

It was about moments of frailty and weakness. She’d been referring to nights like the one we were sharing in the darkness of a hotel suite in Boston. She’d meant that I needed to be there for him when they lost games in double overtime and faced elimination. I needed to be there when he couldn’t find the words to tell me that he needed me.

For his sake, I couldn’t let myself be negative. I hadn’t realized how my view was impacting him. I couldn’t linger in thoughts of blaming myself or think of my presence as some sort of cause of bad luck. I had to be the strong one sometimes and that meant focusing on the way he saw things.

I took on a responsibility in loving Sidney, and that had very little to do with me.

I let my eyes drift closed and with Sidney pressed against me, sleep wasn’t far away.

We stayed in bed for most of Thursday, ordering our meals in. He slipped away to get in a workout and gave me just enough time to go back to my room ad freshen up a bit before we wound up back in bed watching movies with the curtains pulled and half of the room service menu spread out around us.

Some of the guys spoke to the media, but Sidney opted out.

It was rare for him to say no to the press. He was always available for comment. But when their head of PR had called, he’d told her he wasn’t interested. His response made me smile.

“I’m taking the day off,” he said as I tried to find the button on the remote to mute the TV. “There are over twenty other guys who are perfectly capable and I’m spending the day with my girlfriend.”

It was out of character, matter of fact in a way that I wasn’t accustomed to. Sidney always got to the point with me, but I’d never heard him speak to someone else in that manner. I couldn’t suppress the smile on my lips as he hung up the phone.

“What are you grinning about?”

“Just glad I get you all to myself today.”

He pulled me close, ducking his head to press his lips to mine. “I’m all yours.”

“It’s like I won a prize,” I joked.

“Damn straight.”

He was grinning, the damage to the bottom row of his teeth no longer anything that surprised me. I was growing used to the way it looked when he smiled and the subtle lisp to his speech. I could feel the difference in his muscle tone as well; he’d gotten thinner in places that I was used to having something to hold onto. It was no wonder that he didn’t mind the fact that we’d ordered most of the menu, both of us picking at it simply to have something to do.

Sidney would work all summer to get back up to weight. He’d get his teeth fixed. But none of that really mattered. What mattered was the fact that I would be there with him for all of it. There to drive him home after hours in the dentist’s chair. I’d be there to cook us dinner when he was training hard and working his summer away. I would be there on Friday whether they won or lost.

He really was a prize and I wasn’t about to take that for granted.