The Anthem for a Dying Breed

I am fine.
That’s what I kept telling myself. That’s what I told myself whenever things didn’t go to plan; I can’t say it had always been true, but I was still breathing, wasn’t I? Three words had gotten me through a lot, and that much was enough.
I am fine.
Those words were gonna get me through this.

As I played with my breakfast, I dimly recalled the events of the last few days: Tony ignoring me, Ray and Vic trying to make him jealous by making it look like Alan and I were flirting, Tony telling Mike to let me know he wanted all of my things out of his bunk… Maybe I was just in emotion overload as a result of it all because my feelings weren’t totally functional at the moment. I had tried to make a mental list of sorts in attempt to figure out exactly what it was I was feeling – it went as follows:
Confused – because Tony was ignoring me and I really didn’t know why, then
Angryannoyedpissedoffsadupsetdetachedridiculedused and every possible fucking thing in between
Just really, really messy.

All I really recalled before everything in my memory got hazy and blurred into one big mess was hanging out with Alan, Adam and Alex one minute then having Mike call me aside to dump me on behalf of his friend. Then I just really lost it, and took the brunt of my emotions out on Rayne, the matter of which gave me one of those absolutely hideous the Morning After the Night Before guilt hangovers. I even CRIED, and I never cry.
To save my conscience and maintain my sanity (should I have any left by the time tour was over), I had apologised to Ray repeatedly and told her about the only thing that felt like it had any clarity and sense in this meltdown moment: my conclusion to go to Spain.
The road trip was something I had always wanted to do but never really had the chance or confidence to go on my own, but now seemed perfect. I literally had nothing to lose. Her decision to come with me wasn’t one I wanted her to take as I was aware that offers to work alongside some amazing people we’d met this summer had been flooding in for her, and leaving work - even shortly and temporarily – could potentially affect her career options but she was adamant about being with me.

Besides, who wouldn’t want to go on a road trip with their best friend through one of the most beautiful countries in the world? It wouldn’t definitely bring an end to her career, just perhaps mean that she might miss out on opportunities that she might have otherwise jumped at. The only real concern left in this case was then left to how she was going to break up with Austin.
I hoped he would understand why she was doing what she was, and that they didn’t have to end on a bitter note – sometimes, you could find something close to a happy ending, even if it wasn’t perfect. Anyway, if she needed someone to hold her hand and distract her with shitty jokes afterwards, I was always there.

*

“Al?”
I looked up to see Alex peering at me worriedly. Not much longer left to hang with this twat. I was gonna miss him. “You OK?”

“Yup. Why’d you ask?” I said, giving him a purposely cheerful smile.

“You’ve been staring at your plate for like fifteen minutes.” He chuckled: I scoffed and pushed the plate away, sending him a grin. Him, Ray, a little Austin and Adam, and rather ironically, Alan kept making sure I was smiling. These were the kind of people I needed to be around – not arseholes who sent their friends to tell me they didn’t want to see me anymore because they didn’t have the fucking balls to do it themselves.

But, you know. Whatever.

“Great. Because Vic’s headed this way.” Alex added quickly, snapping me from my thoughts. I straightened up a little; Vic had seen my little bitch fit at Ray and had (to some point, understandably) been somewhat uneasy around me, avoiding too much direct conversation. Maybe he thought I was gonna dick punch him or blame him like I did Ray, when I honestly didn’t. I didn’t blame anyone.
Glancing up, I saw him approach us from across the catering tent, face set in a poker expression. His eyes were looking a little red and tired though.

“Ally.” He said, deep voice cracking in the early morning as he stopped by our table. “Can I sit here?”

“Sure, dude.” I said easily, patting the seat next to me. He shot Alex a slightly confused look, but Alex just shrugged in return. “What’s up?”

“Uhh…” he faltered a bit and sat down, looking at me suspiciously. “I just wanted to...talk. See if you were OK.”

“Dude. I’m fine - why does everyone keep asking?” I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “Are you OK? You look like you’ve been through the shits, man.”
Both guys looked at each other, then back at me before laughing. Vic rubbed a hand over his face as his giggles quietened, and Alex and I looked at him curiously.

“I’m so sorry, kid.,” he began, sighing heavily and looking at me imploringly.

“What for, man? You didn’t do anything.” I interjected quickly. He frowned.

“But the whole making Tony jealous thing was mine and Rayne’s idea,” he said, looking confused. “You told Rayne - “

“I had a go at Rayne, and I was wrong. Sorry.” I explained shortly. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault apart from maybe my own - I should’ve probably just not gotten involved in that kind of shit this summer - it was never gonna work out, was it?” I chuckled, trying to be light, but the grim feeling seeping through.

“Oh, man,” Vic groaned, rubbing his face again, “I can’t believe how fucked up everything is…” I gave a sympathetic half-smile, mirrored by Alex, and gave Vic a little nudge.

“So, are you gonna explain why you look like crap or what?” Alex encouraged.

“Charming.” Vic grumbled; Alex winked.

“As fuck. Go on.”
Vic sighed again and hunched his shoulders a little, staring at the table.

“I kind of…” he paused and knotted his fingers together in his lap. “I kind of got into it with Tony last night.”

“Wait,” Alex said immediately, sitting up straighter and leaning closer over the table, “you mean you got into an argument?”

“I mean we got into a fight.” Vic replied, sounding sharp and profoundly unhappy.

“What for, you fucking twat?” I said with a little laugh, half wanting to know, half not.

“What do you think? He’s one of my best friends, but so are you - I just got really fucking mad at him and lost my shit.” I held back a sigh and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “I even tried to explain that it was all me, but he wouldn’t listen - he’s being a real fuckng bitch lately, I mean - I love him but...seriously.” I chuckled a bit as Alex guffawed unashamedly. That, I agreed with. “He wouldn’t even explain why, you know? I mean...how did he even do it? Please don’t tell me it was over text because he didn’t even leave the bus.”

“Oh my god, you don’t know?” Alex gaped, all signs of smile fading. Vic’s face paled at the drama in Alex’s voice as I wrinkled my nose in discomfort.

“What?” Vic probed warily.

“He didn’t do it - he got Mike to do it.”
Vic’s sudden implosion of tension was palpable as I felt him go stiff as a board in my grip; I tightened my hold on his shoulder and rubbed a hand soothingly up and down his arm.

“Please, please tell me you’re taking the piss.” he murmured, closing his eyes.

“In Al’s defense, I don’t think she over-reacted - she reacted just fine.” Alex chimed, digging into his pancakes again. “In fact, a little more wouldn’t have gone amiss. I mean, I might’ve slapped someone, but then people tell me I’m a drama queen.” he continued, rambling a bit.

“Seriously?” Vic asked, opening his eyes and looking at me directly.

“Forget about it, dude,” I said, edging around the issue, “I’m over it.” He looked at me a second longer, seeming disheartened.

“Ally,” he said, frowning a little. “This is not OK.” I shrugged a little and pulled my arm away from him.

“Over it.” I repeated flatly. “Just...do me a favour and forget about it. Don’t bring it up with Mike, or anyone. Please?” He gave me an unwavering, scolding look before caving.

“Fine.” he muttered, wrapping his tanned, wiry arms around me and pulling me into his chest. “But I hate you so much right now.”

“I know.” I giggled as he squeezed me tighter.

“Asshole.” He kissed the top of my head, prompting a response from Alex.

“I hate it when Vic’s here - he always gets all the hugs and attention!” he snapped, throwing down his fork and pushing his pancakes away. “Fucking cock.”

“Aww,” I chuckled, “I love you both equally, Lex.” I extended my arm across the table and beckoned him to join us: Vic poked his tongue out at him teasingly until I elbowed him in the ribs, making him roll his eyes and pull a silly hface, before putting his hand out to Alex too; Alex grinned victoriously and clambered onto the table, then over it, to seat himself spread over the two of our laps and feel the lurve.

“Me too, bitches!” Rayne yelled, spotting us as she walked into the tent; we barely had a moment to brace ourselves before she pounced, knocking us all to the ground.

*

“I love you.” I giggled, kissing Ray’s cheek. A few of us had gathered to have a little drink and get-together for our penultimate night on Warped at a local bar. It wasn’t a huge thing at first, just a few people who wanted to have one last laugh as a bunch of idiots before the proper farewell party tomorrow night, but more people had turned up over the night than anticipated, and the general vibe was warm and loved up and definitely not sober.

“Love you too, babe.” Ray replied, rolling her green eyes as I wrapped my arms around her neck and squashed onto her lap. “You having fun?”

“Loadsa fin.” I said as she hooked her arms around me to stop me from sliding off her lap and plonking onto the floor. “Have you talked to Austin yet?”

“Don’t be stupid.” she scoffed; I rolled my dark eyes right back at her.

“Why not?”

“Don't wanna ruin his night. Maybe I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

“OK.” We both lapsed into a comfortable quiet and took a moment to just survey our surroundings and the friendly faces that filled them. Everyone seemed so relaxed and just...happy. It all blurred into a sort of protective cocoon that acted like an escape from normal life, which is what I've sort of come to understand Warped stood for.
I liked it like this - it hadn’t been perfect but what was?

“Did I mention I love you?” I asked Ray suddenly.

“Yep.” She popped her lips on the ‘p’, not remotely irked by my sappiness. “You could get me a drink to prove it though.”

“I’ll get them.” interjected another voice; deeper- definitely male - familiar, like the smell of cigarettes, and shockingly British. Ben. “Three, please, mate.” he said to the bartender. I scowled at him but he acted like he didn’t even notice, leaning heavily on his pale forearms against the bar. Sending Rayne a quick look, I got nothing as she shrugged almost imperceptibly, and glanced back at him.

“What do you want, dick face?” I asked sharply. He rolled his intensely hazel eyes at me and quirked an eyebrow,

“Nice to see you too.” he chuckled before turning to Ray. “Her manners have improved, then, haven’t they?”

“Not that you’ve been around to notice.” I muttered.

“Al,” Rayne murmured warningly, releasing her grip on me. I got off her lap and stood up, letting her grab one of the three drinks the bartender had placed in front of us. “I think you guys need a moment to talk, so I’mma find me someone sexy to dance with.” she announced, getting off her seat and walking away before I could protest. Sighing heavily, I flopped back onto the chair she had had just occupied, avoiding eye contact with the wild-haired guitar genius to my left.

“Aleena.” He said patiently, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

“What?” I snapped, trying to shrug him off.

“Sorry.” he mumbled, getting closer to rest his head on my shoulder and kiss my cheek. “I know I’ve been a a bit of a shit head lately but - “

“A bit?!” I snorted tilting my head in his direction to give him the you are taking the piss, right? look. He grimaced with guilt.

“I know, I’m a shit head-”

“No, you’re a fucking anus.” I corrected, making him grin.

“Alright,” he conceded, making me smirk a bit, “I am.”

“You definitely are.”

“So, am I forgiven then?” he asked tentatively after a moment.

“Nothing to forgive, you shit head.” I replied with a small smile. He sighed in relief, pressing his warm chest to my back and burying his face in my neck. I wasn’t really mad at him - I just wanted my mate back.

“You know, I’m gonna miss you when you go off on tour. Day after tomorrow, yeah?” he said after a while of just standing there.

“Ano, actually,” I said slowly, feeling him lift his head, “I’m not - well, we’re not. Ray and me, that is.”

“Oh.” he said, frowning a bit - I didn’t know if he’d heard about me and Tony, but he didn’t ask. “Are you going home, then? We’re finished touring until November as well - we can hand out when we get home and just do normal shit instead of this circus every day.”
I chuckled a bit and shrugged.

“We’re not going home either. It’s kind of a long story actually.” I answered, making him let go of me and sit down on the seat next to me instead.

“What the fuck are you doing then, you idiot?”

“We are going on an adventure, man.” I replied, sitting up straighter as pride filtered in. It didn’t quite feel real yet - it probably wouldn’t until I was thousands of feet up in the air, on a plane ride out of here.

“Yeah?” he grinned, seeing me light up at the prospect of something new. I nodded eagerly.

“Fuck yeah.”
For me, this summer had been beautiful - it hadn’t been perfect and I didn’t feel completely whole for some reason - but it had been much more than I had hoped for. It had reignited my lost wanderlust, and, in parts, been amazing. And maybe, hopefully, it was going to stay that way for a while.