In the Closet

“Honey, I’m home!” Alex announces dramatically as he steps into the apartment he shares with his boyfriend of two years, Rian. He stops short when he sees Rian step out into the hallway, a nervous look on his face “Hey Ri! How was your day?”

Rian closes the gap between them but he steps away when he sees Alex stretch up to give him boyfriend a much needed, and in his opinion, a well deserved kiss. Alex had been in the studio all day, spending hours in a writing session with another band and laying down some guest vocals. His day had been long and difficult. He left early this morning and he hasn’t been talking to Rian all day so, naturally, he’s confused when he’s denied one simple kiss.

“Hey Alex, look who came to visit Bro,” Rian says wearily, walking towards the living room, gesturing to his mother and step-father who are drinking coffee and smiling warmly at the two of them. “There was a problem with their hotel and since they’re going to be in LA for two nights, I said they could stay with us!”

Alex tried to hide the frown that’s itching to make its way on his face, when he hears his boyfriend call him Bro, trying to emphasise the fact there is nothing more than friendship going on between them both. A look around their living room further supports this, it looks different to how Alex left it this morning. The differences were only subtle but all of the photos of them as a couple had been hidden and replaced with band photos and other normal photos of the pair. The cards that they’d exchanged for their recent second anniversary, which had been sitting pride of place on the mantle, had disappeared. Alex doesn’t know what exactly is going on, he has an idea and to say he’s annoyed is putting it lightly.

“That’s fine by me, Bro,” he replies, putting emphasis on the word Bro, showing his boyfriend he’s annoyed “Kathy, Mike, it’s great to see you to again. It’s been far too long. I’m gonna leave you two to catch up with Rian!”

When he steps into the kitchen, the first this he notices is the cheesy message that Rian had spelt out on the fridge using magnetic letters has been changed. Instead of “Rian Loves Alex” which had been there this morning, it now reads like a common shopping list “Bread, Milk, Eggs and Coffee.”

“Alex, are you mad?” Rian asks softly, following Alex into the kitchen, He attempts to pull the older boy into his arms but Alex resists. “Please talk to me, Baby.”

Alex slams the door of the fridge shut, moving away from Rian and to the other part of the kitchen.

“No, why would I be mad, Bro?” he whispers, sarcasm heavily dripping from his words “How did you explain the fact that we a share a bedroom, huh?”

Rian’s head drops at this question and the drummer suddenly becomes much more interested in his shoes.

“I...uh...I moved my stuff into the spare room,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper “Well, enough of it so the place would look lived in. My practise kit was already in there. I’m gonna give them my room and make it look like I’m sleeping on the couch.”

Alex can only shake his head, not really believing the words that are spilling from Rian’s mouth.

“Make it look like you’re sleeping on the couch? That won’t be hard since you will be,” Alex scoffs, glaring at him “I can’t believe you’d pull something like this. Here’s an idea, if you don’t want to sleep on the couch, how about you sleep in the closet? You seem pretty well acquainted to being in one?”

Rian doesn’t reply because even he can admit that he deserved that. Instead, he and Alex become locked in a staring match across the table, Alex’s eyes which are normally so warm, welcoming and bright are cold, narrowed and glaring and Rian’s are wide and pleading. The tension is thick between the couple.

“Is everything ok boys?” Mike asks as he appears in the doorway “Ri, your mom was wondering what time are we heading out for dinner at?”

Rian is the first to break the stare, tearing his eyes away from Alex to look at his step-father.

“Everything’s fine, Mike, I broke something belonging to Alex and I had to tell him,” Rian lied, glancing at his watch, the same watch Alex had bought him for their anniversary after figuring out just how much he had been lusting over it. “It’s 6pm now so we’ll head out in about an hour. Alex, do you want to come with?”

He glances hopefully across at Alex who is getting ready to escape from the kitchen and their unfinished conversation.

“No thanks dude, I’ve got plans,” he announces coolly, as if there’s is nothing wrong “Enjoy your evening though!”

Alex doesn’t think that things can get any worse than they already are, that is, until he hears Kathy as Rian did he invite Cassadee, Rian’s ex-girlfriend, who his parents loved. Alex stalks off to his room, getting annoyed when he sees how different it looks. Again, it’s only subtle small changes but Alex is a creature of comfort, he likes things to be left in such a way. He likes things to be familiar. Now, all of Rian’s things have been taken away, his clothes are no longer folded in a neat pile on top of the dresser and his shoes aren’t sitting under the bed like they always are.

He’s annoyed that Rian is completely ignoring their relationship and he doesn’t know why. Actually, he’s not annoyed, he’s seriously angry. He had been planning a romantic night in with Rian including dinner, wine, dessert, a movie and lots of sex and making out. They’d just come off a busy tour which had been draining and their week had been filled with meetings and interviews. Alex was craving some alone time with his boyfriend. Now, all he had was a boyfriend who he wasn’t sure wanted to be with him and was acting like he didn’t have a boyfriend and no plans for the evening.

He considered calling Jack to see if he wanted to hang out but he decided to wait and see if his mood improved. If he called Jack now, he would have to explain his bad mood to his best friend and he didn’t want to do that. He was planning on taking a small nap before calling him, that way if he was still in a bad mood he might just spend the night moping around in his room. He heard the door of the guest bedroom open and close as he flung himself face first onto his bed. Not too long after, the door to his room opened and he heard Rian enter the room. He doesn’t move as he feels the bed sink down beside him as Rian mimics his actions, reaching out to take Alex’s hand which the singer quickly snatches away. He’s not letting Rian off that easy, he lied to him and that hurt.

“Go away! I don’t want to talk to you,” Alex mutters, his voice muffled by the pillows his head is currently buried in “In-case you haven’t realised, I’m pissed off at you! You lied to me; you told me she knew about us. This relationship isn’t exactly new! We’ve been going out for two years.”

Rian’s hand grips his shoulder lightly and Alex sits up, turning to give Rian his best glare. Right now, he doesn’t want to be touched by Rian.

“I’m sorry Lex,” he mutters sadly “I really am, I just didn’t know how to tell her.”

Alex doesn’t want to accept his excuse. If he hadn’t told her, he shouldn’t have lied.

“It’s not exactly hard, Rian! Y’know when I told you to be straight with her, this wasn’t what I had in mind. I didn’t think you’d take it fucking literally,” Alex snaps “If you want to pretend you don’t like boys, then that’s fine. I don’t want any part of it. I guess I’m the bigger fool for believing you loved me and even more so for falling in love with you. Why don’t you reach out to your ex, try and rekindle that relationship, since you know your mom approves of it?”

Rian wasn’t expecting Alex to being up Cass, he hadn’t thought he’d heard him mom mention her. Rian wasn’t that lucky though and Alex had heard everything.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Baby. I love you and only you. There’s no one else for me. I will tell her. I promise. I just wasn’t expecting them to have to stay here. I’ll tell her about us, I just need to find the right time!”

“Well until then, consider the couch your new bed,” Alex retorts, his arms folded tightly over his chest “I’m still pissed off at you. If that’s all, you can go. I want to take a nap. In case you’ve already forgotten, this is my room, yours is next door, Bro!”

Rian sighs sadly as he makes his way across the room. He stops at the door, his hand hovering over the handle, watching as Alex struggles to get comfortable in a bed that seems far too big for his thin, wiry frame. He wants nothing more than to cross the room and take him in his arms, hold him until he falls asleep, like he normally does. Like Alex normally requests.

“ ‘m sorry baby,” he announces sadly, his voice barely loud enough to carry across the room but he knows Alex hears him. When he doesn’t respond, Rian leaves the room, an impossibly fake smile plastered in his face as he greets his mom. He makes the mental decision of choosing later over now to reveal his secret. The thing that scares him the most is the unknown. If he knew his mom was certain to react badly, he’d probably tell her anyway and deal with the consequences. He just doesn’t like not knowing how she’ll react when he tells her that Alex is his boyfriend. She’s always had a soft spot for Alex and she had since she first met him. Alex had charmed the socks off his mom with his manners and his personality, similar to the way that he’d made Rian fall completely in love with him. Kathy knew Alex was gay but that didn’t mean she’d necessarily take the news that he was her sons lover well. She is, after-all convinced that there was something going on between Alex and Jack and she often asked him about whether or not they were in a relationship. Rian had always just given his mom a vague answer when the relationship question came up, not really saying yes but not really denying it either. As long as she thought there was something going on between Alex and Jack, it saved Rian from telling her about his true feeling for Alex. He hated that he was such a coward but it still didn’t help him just tell her that he was gay. Now, his lies were starting to catch up on him and Alex knew that he’d never told his mom.



When Alex calls Jack later that evening, Jack wastes no time in coming to his best friends rescue. He makes it to the apartment in record time and suggests that the pair hit up some bars, make the most of the LA nightlife. Alex is gone before Rian gets home, an empty bottle of wine; the same one Alex had bought to share with Rian that night, and two glasses, the only proof that the older boy even left his room. Alex ignores the “where are you? xxx” text that Rian sends him. When another text delivers an hour later reading “Never mind, I saw Jack’s tweet. Enjoy your night and stay safe, I love you, xxx” Alex merely glances at it before stuffing his phone back into the pocket of his skinny jeans.

Wine is a good drink to help you forget your problems and enjoy your night but Alex isn’t going to complain when he and Jack, along with a group of their friends, move onto whiskey and shots when they get to a club. The anger and hurt he felt earlier are the furthest thing on his mind as he and the boys throw some questionable dance moves after they leave the more sophisticated setting of Jazz night at the W, instead choosing to head to “Onyx” the newest, hottest club on the LA night-scene.

He has almost forgotten all of the drama that the evening brought with it by the time he stumbles into his apartment, until he sees Rian curled up on the couch, blankets wrapped tightly around him, his head the only part of him sticking out as he watches re-runs of Criminal Minds. He had waited up for Alex, just to make sure he got home ok and that means something to Alex and he’s glad he didn’t accept Jack’s offer to stay at his apartment for the night. He had been close but something told him he should just go home to his own bed.

Wordlessly, Alex moves across the living room, swaying slightly as the effects of the alcohol seem to be strengthened after he was exposed to the fresh air outside, he pulls a bottle of water from the fridge, re-thinking his actions and grabbing a second bottle. He doesn’t say a word when he slumps down on the couch beside Rian, handing him the bag from Subway before opening his own sandwich. Alex didn’t do this on purpose, it was a force of habit, something he hadn’t realised he’d done in his drunken state until he was being handed two subs instead of one. He couldn’t even remember ordering two of them, but he obviously did.

This was their tradition, one that dated back long before they had ever admitted their feelings for each other and tried to make a relationship out of their friendship. Every single time they went out, regardless of whether they had both gone out or just one of them had, they would order identical meals and when they got back home or to the bus. They had lived together for years, sharing a house in Baltimore and this apartment in LA so, they were nearly always guaranteed to be coming home to the other one. When they got back from their night out, they would sit, eat and talk about their nights. If only one of them had gone out, the chances of the other one being awake and waiting up for the other was high and if they had fallen asleep, they never objected to being woke up. They liked their post-night out tradition.

Only this time, they didn’t talk about their nights, they hardly talked at all. Instead, they sat on opposite ends of the sofa, eyes carefully trained on the TV, stealing glances at the other when they were certain the other wasn’t looking. It was hard for the couple to be in the same room as each other without sitting close to each other or talking. It was foreign and odd to them both.

“This.....This doesn’t mean anything,” Alex mumbles, in between bites as he gestures lazily between the two of them. His words are slurred, a combination of alcohol and tiredness “Just a...It’s just a force of habit. I’m still angry at you!”

When Alex goes to stand up, his leg is dead from being curled up underneath Alex’s body. Alex knows it’s time for him to go to bed because if he stays any longer, he’s liable to fall asleep on the couch next to Rian. The urge to cuddle up to the drummer is growing stronger so Alex is going to remove himself from the situation. He’s been known to let his emotions get the better of him when he’s drunk and he doesn’t want that to happen. He wobbles a little; nearly face planting on the floor but Rian grabs his arm to steady him. Once he’s certain he won’t fall over, he makes his way to the bedroom, stripping down to his boxers before collapsing onto the bed. He wishes that he and Rian weren’t arguing because he wants nothing more that for the drummer to curl up beside him, feel his strong around him. He always felt so safe and protected in Rian’s arms. He wants to kiss him, tell him he loves him, because deep down Alex knows he still loves Rian, before falling into a comfortable sleep. Then, he remembers why he and Rian are arguing and suddenly being alone in bed doesn’t feel so bad. His hazy confused brain seems a little clearer. Alex doesn’t want to be with someone who’s ashamed to be with him, ashamed to tell people they’re in love. As a singer, he’s spent time telling the band’s fans that it’s ok to be different, to not accept second best because people think it’s the right thing to do. He’d be a hypocrite if he allowed himself be strung along by someone who everyone thinks is straight. As it is, he feels bad enough that the relationship has been hidden for two years, only his band members, close friends and crew knowing that he and Rian are a couple.

Maybe it’s because he watched Criminal Minds before he went to sleep or maybe it was a mixture of alcohol, lack of sleep, coupled with the fact that he’s pretty much a roller coaster of emotions right now but, Alex’s dreams are particularly gruesome when he falls asleep. Whatever the reason for the nightmare, it doesn’t help that they play out with Rian playing the starring role of a victim of a serial killer.

His eyes dart open, already moist with tears that are streaming down the side of his face, that familiar weight pressing down on his chest. He tries to claw it away but he can’t, he’s paralysed with fear, paralysed because his body still thinks he’s sleeping and Alex wishes he was still asleep. He hates it when he suffers from sleep paralysis. He can’t move, he can’t scream. All he can do is clamp his eyes shut as he whimpers, not knowing if he’s actually making any sounds. He has no choice but to wait it out, wait for that familiar buzzing sensation in his ears and his head to stop and hope that those terrifying images don’t return to haunt him now that his eyes are closed. If he kept his eyes open he knows his eyes would start to play tricks on him, make him see shadows of things that aren’t actually there.

Suddenly, without any warning at all, the pressure on his chest dissolves, allowing him to breathe freely and the buzzing dies down. The pressure is replaced by another type of pressure, a good type of pressure, the pressure of two strong arms being wrapped tightly around him. Alex doesn’t dare open his eyes which are still leaking tears. He knows that opening his eyes could confirm that this comforting feeling is only a part of his dreams and he’d feel worse if that happened. Instead, he wills the tears to stop as his face is pressed against something soft and warm, his pillow? Then, he takes a deep breath and inhales a familiar and comforting scent, Rian.

While he’s glad Rian cared enough to wake him from his nightmare, he is also now conscious enough to know that he’s still angry with him. His mind is still hazy but he becomes determined to get through this on his own, to prove that he doesn’t need Rian, even if that means staying up all night until he eventually passes out from exhaustion. Hell, he’ll even call Jack, wake him from his drunken slumber and have the guitarist talk to him until he’s calm. Jack won’t mind, he never does. He lifts his face from Rian’s tear stained t-shirt, weakly attempting to push away, trying to resist against Rian’s grasp and failing.

“Don’t fight it Lex, just let me comfort you. I know how to calm you down, Babe,” Rian says, his voice soothing and comforting as he rubs Alex’s back “It’s ok, it’s ok. I’m here. You’re alright Lex, it was all just a dream, it was just a bad dream!”

Alex gives in, stops fighting because he knows that no matter what, no matter how hard he resists, he’s not going to be able to make Rian leave. He won’t leave Alex in the distressed state he’s currently in.

“This...this means nufhing,” he slurs sleepily as he feels Rian place a kiss on his hair, pulling the covers over Alex where he’s curled up in Rian’s arms. “I’m still....”

Alex’s fingers scratch at the fabric of Rian’s shirt, like a child, and the sound is oddly comforting. Rian intertwines their fingers, shifting slightly getting more comfortable on their bed, letting the singer lay on top of him. Alex’s eyes grow heavy, flickering open and shut.

“I know Baby, you’re still angry at me,” Rian finishes sadly “I would be too, This means nothing, I know that Baby.”

“Don’t call me Baby,” Alex mumbles his tired voice almost sounding angry “ ‘m not your Baby anymore.”

Those are the last words either of them speaks before Alex gives into sleep, drifting off and Rian follows suit a little while later. He’s too busy thinking about whether or not he’s lost “his” Alex for good. He knows he’s hurt him, he just hopes he can gain his love and trust back. If only that didn’t involve stepping out of his security blanket of presumed heterosexuality and coming out to his family. It shouldn’t be a big deal, he’s 23 years old. He’s just worked everything up in his head, made himself believe that the situation was a lot worse than it was.

Hr drifts off into a peaceful sleep, much more peaceful than the one he would have got on the couch, waking a few hours later to his mother knocking on the bedroom door, asking was he in there. Alex jumps awake at the sound, moving away from Rian and lightening speed, to the other side of the bed, as if he’s being pulled away by some unseen powerful force. He barely acknowledges Rian, only muttering something about making the noise stop because it’s hurting his head, before he covers his beautiful face with a pillow. Rian pulls the door open, just enough to allow him to slip through it, signalling for his mom to be quiet. Kathy had never quiet managed to act of being quiet, she was always too chirpy and happy, especially in the mornings.

“Oh honey! You had me worried. I didn’t know where you were when I woke up,” she announced as Rian started the coffee machine before her eyes grew wide and curious “What exactly were you doing in Alex’s room this early. I thought you were sleeping on the sofa?”

Rian stutters slightly before spitting an answer out. He’d been hoping to avoid questions like this. Instead of telling his mom that it wasn’t just Alex’s room but their room, he fumbles with his mug while waiting for the coffee to brew.

“Umm, Alex had a nightmare last night,” he finally replies “Well, it was more like this morning. He was pretty drunk and I went in to stop him from waking everyone up. I guess I fell asleep waiting for him to calm down and go to back to sleep!”

Rian’s mother nods knowingly across at him her eyes somewhat sympathetic as he hears Mike, his step-father enter through the front door.

“I’m sure the alcohol is to blame for the nightmares,” she muses out loud before smiling at him “At least he didn’t bring anybody home with him last night. I wouldn’t know what I would have done if some stranger answered me when I knocked on the door this morning, talk about embarrassing. It must be so hard for you when he brings people back with him, to wake up to strange people in your apartment.”

Rian is shocked at the direction the conversation has taken as Kathy exchanged a look with her husband. What’s more, he hates how he nods slightly in agreement.

“Ugh...I guess. I mean, it doesn’t bother me too much,” he replies, his words coming out fast and quick “Alex doesn’t do it very often so it’s not something I worry about!”

A bedroom door closing, snaps Rian’s attention from his mother and towards the gorgeous, sleepy boy making his way into the kitchen, his eyes still heavy lidded with sleep, hair messy and a scowl overtaking his features. Rian had hoped Alex didn’t hear their conversation; he’s been doing that a lot lately, but the subtle glare he receives tells him he wasn’t lucky. He’s fucked up....again. pushed himself further from any hope of winning Alex back and it breaks his heart seeing his boyfriend so sad, so angry.

“Alex, dear, come join us,” Kathy greets warmly as Alex grabs some water from the fridge “Mike just bought some things for breakfast.”

Alex shakes his head, rejecting the offer. “Thanks but no thanks,” he replied, managing to fake a smile “It’s been a long week and last night was a late one, a very late one. I didn’t get much sleep so I’m afraid all I’m fit for is bed. I just came to get some water.”

Rian recognises the look on Alex’s face. He’s seen it before and he swore he’d never be the one to cause it. Alex is on the verge of tears. Rian wants to pull him back, hold him tight, kiss him, apologise, tell him he loves him, while showing his mom that yeah, he’s in a relationship with Alex. Rian wants to do al that and so much more but he doesn’t. He can’t. He feels rooted to the floor, the words on the tip of his tongue, refusing to be spoken. Rian feels like a coward. He hates himself and he wouldn’t be surprised if Alex does too.

While he’s busy having this internal battle with himself, Alex had left, retreating back to his room, no doubt to cry and let him emotions out. Kathy is trying to get her sons attention, placing food in front of her son, talking animatedly about their plans for the day, completely oblivious to what’s going on between the young couple. Rian pushes his dilemma to the back of his mind, deciding she’s too excited and happy to ruin it now. He decides that later he will fix things and make them right. Funny thing about “later” is that it never comes when you want it to; it never seems like the right time. It always comes too soon and there’ll always be another later waiting in the wings.

After they’ve finished eating and making their plans for the day, Rian pretends that he’s left his phone in Alex’s room, just so he can have a chance to see Alex, to try and speak to him. Alex is awake, sniffing lightly trying to hide the fact he’s been crying. He doesn’t acknowledge him, turning his back on Rian when he sits down beside him and squirming away from his touch. This hurts Rian more than anything. Alex was always the chatty one and always the cuddly one. He was like a puppy, always craving contact. He would always be as close to Rian as he possibly could when they were together. Now, he’s icy and cold, Rian’s words being met with stubborn silence.

Rian knows that Alex is stubborn so he decided to stop his attempts for now, knowing that only one thing will begin to make up for it. He leaves the room, a final “I’m so sorry, I love you Alex.” leaving his lips as Rian wonders how the hell he managed to fuck up so badly in under 24 hours.

He pretends to be ok as he takes his mother and Mike out to do some “touristy” things that one does in LA. They are eating an early dinner that evening at a restaurant that Rian knows that Alex would love, when he gets a text. His face lights up when he sees Alex’s name but this is short lived, only temporary and over sooner than it started when he reads the message.

Ri, I can’t do this anymore so, I’m going to make things easier and suggest we end this now. I ca’t be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way!

He’s not sure how long he started at the screen willing for the words to change, morph into something else or even better, for him to wake up from the nightmare he’s found himself in. A nightmare that was all his own doing.

“Rian, are you ok, sweetheart?” his mom asks, shooting him a concerned look “Is something wrong?”

Rian tears his eyes away from the phone, after replying with a message saying Please don’t do this, Lex before stuffing the phone into his pocket.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he eventually stutters out, doing his best to smile but not being able to quiet manage it “Actually, I need to tell you something!”

His mom and Mike both stop what they are doing, looking expectantly across the table at him. This is his chance, his moment to put things right. Fuck what others think, he’s in love, everyone deserves to know about it. He might have lost Alex but he wants to win him back.

“Well, you see...I’m...I...” he stumbles before realising that no, now’s not the right time. He can’t get the words out. He needs to come up with something though because they’re expecting him to have something to say. He glances around the room, stopping on the first thing that catches his eye. “I...uh...heard the cheesecake here is amazing here! Who wants dessert?”

His mother and Mike exchange frowns, they know that it’s not what Rian wanted to say but they don’t push it. Instead, they agree that dessert would be great. When they arrive back at the apartment, Rian is physically drained. He’s glad when Kathy and Mike announced their plans to spend their last night in LA going to a show, just the two of them. Kathy pulls her son into a tight hug before she leaves, telling him to get some rest and take it easy for the night. He wastes no time in going to his room, well really its Alex’s now he guesses, and curling up on the bed, comforted by how everything smells of Alex. He doesn’t know how long he lays there, completely lost in thought and memories until a voice disrupts him.

“What are you doing in my room?” Alex asks his voice devoid of any emotion “You can’t be here. We broke up, remember?”

Rian lifts his head from the pillow seeing Alex standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest an angry look on his face.

“Please don’t do this Lex,” he pleads, closing the distance between them “I will tell her. there just hasn’t been a good time. I’ll call her, make them come back, tell her!”

Rian doesn’t miss the eye-roll that Alex sends in his direction. “Why? So you can chicken out again? You had so many chances this morning. The first thing she asked you was why you were in here this morning. You could have told her the truth then, told her it was our room and that you were just sleeping in your bed. You could have told her that you were only calm your boyfriend down, that I had a nightmare and you’re the only one who could calm me down. You didn’t need to pass it off, make it seem like I’m some sort of a nutcase who went out and got drunk and has nightmares. That fucking hurt, you know I can’t control them! Did you know the reason I got so worked up about that nightmare was because it was about you! Oh, and I just loved the part about me bringing random guys back here.”

Alex pushes away from him when Rian tries to hug him. Alex is upset and Rian wants to try and comfort him.

“I’m sorry baby,” he mutters sadly “Please don’t be upset!”

“Don’t call me baby, babe or any other pet-name! We aren’t going out, you can’t do that anymore,” Alex snaps, scrubbing at his cheeks, wiping the tears away “and, don’t be upset? Would you like me to be happy about the fact I’ve lost my boyfriend? Excuse me for caring about you! We were together for two years officially and way longer unofficially. You’re my best friend. You’re the one refusing to admit we ever had something. If you tell your parents, then we could stop with all the hiding. Being with you made me proud. I was never ashamed to be with you. I want to tell everyone we are together. I thought you felt the same way, I just wished I’d known the truth before I fell in love with you!”

Rian has never felt so hopeless, so horrible. He’s messed up! He’s really fucked his entire relationship up.

“I can fix this,” he pleads, tears falling from his own cheeks in a rare moment of emotion. Rian Dawson never cries. “You can’t get too angry, you haven’t told your parents about us either!”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, he wishes he could take them back. He’s said the wrong thing! He wishes he could take it back but Alex is already launching into him.

“The only reason we never told my parents was because you begged me not to. You were scared they’d tell your mom,” he shouts, his fingers balling up in Rian’s shirt, stepping closer to the drummer, lowering his voice “Because I loved you, I did just that but guess what, they know. They figured it out and asked me about it. They didn’t care. They knew you made me happy and they promised not to tell your mom and Mike.”

Rian can feel Alex breaking in his arms, as his fingers loosen in his shirt and a sob leaves his throat. Alex was always more emotional than him, he wore his heart on his sleeve. Rian hesitantly wraps an arm around the boy, holding him close, keeping him from falling to the ground.

“I wouldn’t ask you to do this I didn’t think it would end well Rian. Your mom will accept you no matter what. If I thought you’d get hurt, I’d have never asked you to tell her,” he cries “I just wanted us to be a proper couple, where our families knew about us, where we could invite them over to our house for dinner. Then I saw how you acted when your parents arrived, how you removed any traces of us from this place, pushed me away, almost as if it was an embarrassment, that you were ashamed of everything. I never thought you’d be ashamed of us but that’s exactly how you acted. Why did you do that? Why? There’s nothing wrong with us being together and yet you’ve made a massive deal out of it. I love you but I can’t be with you if you don’t want what I do and you aren’t prepared to give 100% to this relationship. I’ve waited two years Rian, I can’t wait forever!”

That’s the moment that Rian is sure that things are finished for good. He’s not sure how he can fix things. He’s not sure that even telling his parents will even fix things. It’s been such a roller-coaster of emotions, anger, happy, sad and every other possible emotion. He’s extremely conscious of the fact that Alex is in his arms, tears falling freely. Call it instinct or call it moment of stupidity but he decided to kiss Alex, trying to make him feel better.

At first, Alex freezes, the kiss catching him off-guard. He almost kisses back out of instinct but then he brings his hands to cup Rian’s face, squirming and pushing away. All traces of sad Alex are long gone and replaced with angry, pissed off Alex once again.

“Don’t you dare try and kiss me thinking it will make things better,” he hisses, moving away from Rian “I hate you for trying that! There’s only one thing that can even begin to fix things. I can’t even look at you! Get out of here, I don’t want to see you or talk to you. Either you leave or I do!”

So that ‘s just what he does, he leaves, only stopping in the living room long enough to grab his jacket and wallet before getting out of the apartment. He has two choices, he can go to the bands practise space and bang the shit out of his drums, venting all his frustration out on them or, he can go and get a beer. He can’t go back to the apartment for a while but the thoughts of being so close and yet so far away from Alex, all at the same time makes him choose beer and playing drums would remind him of Alex. A quick text to Danny and Nick ensure he isn’t on his own in his efforts to get wasted. It’s clear that Danny has been talking to Jack or Alex already because the first thing he does is ask is “What happened?”

At first, Rian chooses not to answer but to instead down his drink and ordering a round of shots. A little while later, when Rian is just drinking for the sake of it, not really tasting the alcohol he’s drinking but certainly feeling the effects of it as it burns down his throat, Rian spills all, detailing just how big of a fuck up he has been. When the night draws to a close, he turns down Danny’s invitation to stay at his, give Alex some space and grabs a cab home after stopping in Subway. If Alex remembered their tradition when he was pissed at Rian, he’s sure as hell not going to forget. It makes perfect sense to his drunken brain.

The actual task of getting into his apartment isn’t an easy one, well for Rian at least. He just can’t get the key into the lock. He tries to grasp his bag of food in one hand, using the same hand to steady himself against the door before pushing the key towards the lock and missing the lock completely. He repeats this action again and again, each time not coming close to the lock and stabbing the door instead. He’s not sure how long he’s stands there, laughing at his feeble attempts at opening the door. When the door suddenly opens, he falls into the apartment, feeling arms wrap around him stopping him from landing face first on the floor. He looks up hoping it was Alex but finding Jack instead.

Once he’s righted himself, both feet planted firmly on the floor, he stumbles past Jack, making his way to Alex’s room. Jack knows what he’s planning on doing and he wraps his arm around his waist, pulling the drummer back towards the living room.

“B...but I gots him food,” Rian slurred pathetically, feeling himself being planted on the sofa “Jacko, I need to see Awex, it’s important. I need to tell him I’m sorry!”

Jack can only roll his eyes at the drummer and he has a new found understanding of how Rian felt all of the times he had to look after him and Alex when they were beyond drunk. He felt bad for Rian and he didn’t like that two of his closest friends, two people who loved each other more than anything were arguing and clearly hurting. He’d spent the evening comforting Alex, who was already regretting breaking things off with Rian and now, it was time to comfort Rian.

“Maybe you could share the food with me, Ri? I’m pretty hungry and Alex is passed out fast asleep. You know how grumpy he gets when he’s woken up?” Jack suggests knowing that Rian is very impressionable when he’s drunk and his opinions are easily swayed. Rian hands over the sandwich to Jack without arguing. “Thanks Ri, now do you want to talk about what happened?”

Rian nods slowly, pulling the pillow close to his chest, taking a bite of his sandwich before talking, or rather spilling every single thing to Jack. The first words out of his mouth being “I fucked up Jacko. He hates me and I can’t fix it!”

To give credit to him, Jack is actually quite a brilliant listener. He has his childish, goofy moments but he can be serious when he wants to be. He sits and he lets Rian blurt his feelings, only giving his input when necessary. He lets the older boy vent and when he’s finished he comforts him, convinces him that now isn’t a good time to wake up Alex and most importantly that Alex still loves him. Jack knows that for sure, he’s spent the few hours comforting Alex who was torn up and regretting the fact that he’d pushed Rian away and ordered him out of the apartment. Jack couldn’t believe it when he’d heard that Rian had cried, Jack had never seen it happen before and Alex had been just as shocked. Now, he was thinking that maybe it was harder for Rian to come out that he’d realised and that really, he didn’t care about who knew about their relationship. He just wanted Rian.



To say that Rian is hungover when he wakes up the following morning would be a massive understatement. His head feels like it’s been stuck inside his kick drum while playing it. His body ached all over, he fell asleep in a weird position, curled up against Jack and from sleeping on the couch. His mother is was too chirpy and cheerful. He can’t even manage to fake a smile as she flies around the apartment, telling him about the show that she and Mike went to last night and getting her stuff together for her flight back to Baltimore, later this afternoon.

After his talk with Jack last night, Rian knows what he has to do. He needs to tell his mom and he needs to do it sooner rather than later. That way, he stands some chance of winning his boyfriend back. When he hears a door open and sees Alex shuffling out, Jack trailing behind him and looking as bad as Rian feels. He locks eyes with Rian, smiling weakly and Rian’s surprised when he notices he’s making his way towards him.

“Mom, I need to talk to you about something, can you sit down for a minute?” he asks hesitantly, feeling his hands shake with nerves “Alex, can you sit for a minute too, please?”
Surprisingly, Alex is by his side, sitting close to him without any argument as Jack gives Rian a thumbs up from across the room, while Mike and his mom look at him expectantly.

“Ri, you don’t need to do this if you don’t want to,” Alex whispers making sure that only Rian can hear him. “I’m sorry for making a big deal out of everything. I love you, you’re the only one for me and I don’t care who knows.”

Even though Alex is giving him an opportunity to not tell his mom, Rian knows he needs to do this. He smiles weakly at Alex.

“Mom, I haven’t been 100% truthful with you, I’ve been hiding something from you and I really shouldn’t have done this,” he starts, feeling a little more confident when he feels Alex grab his hand, squeezing it supportively “The thing is, I’m gay. Alex and I, we aren’t just friends. We’re in a relationship. I love him and I hurt him by not telling you about us sooner.”

Rian holds his breath, nervously awaiting his mom’s response. He’d spent far too long worrying about how she’d react.

“Oh honey, I’ve known you were gay for a while now and I knew you had a crush on Alex,” she admits, confusing the hell out of Rian “I’m glad you could tell me about it and I’m glad you’re in a relationship.”

Rian’s pretty sure he’s doing a pretty good impression of a fish right now. He can’t believe after all this time spent worrying, his mom knew all along. Alex squeezes his hand again, letting him know he’s still here.

“But...you asked about Cass last night? Then you started going on about him bringing strange guys home?” he asked “How did you know? Why didn’t you tell me you knew?”

Kathy simply laughs at him softly while shaking her head as if the answer is obvious. But for Rian, the only obvious thing would be her telling him she knew and it would have saved a hell of a lot of trouble and arguments.

“I’m your mother, Rian. Mom’s just know these things,” she explains simply “The reason I asked about Cass was because I liked her but I know there’s never any chance of you two getting back together. As for the strange men, I was only asking because if you liked Alex, then obviously it would hurt seeing him with someone else. Plus, you aren’t the quietest when you’re drunk, sweetie, if I didn’t know before that, I certainly did after last night. You and Jack had quiet the heart to heart. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew this was something you needed to tell me in your own time. I’m happy for you and Alex, I really am and I hope you two can work through whatever is going on with you two!”

“We will be able to get past it,” Alex announces “It was a silly argument in the first place.”

If Rian wasn’t so hungover and so shocked, he’s probably be laughing at how everything turned out but, right now, laughing is probably only going to hurt his head more. He doesn’t really know how to respond. Things seem to have worked out for him though, because Alex is still sitting beside him holding his hand. He still can’t believe she knew all along. He’s hoping that Alex saying that they’ll be able to work things out isn’t just for his mom’s benefit.

“Well, now that everything is out in the open, Mike, Kathy, how about I drop you two to the airport,” Jack suggests, speaking up from the doorway where he’d been standing “I think these two could do with some alone time.”

His mom and Mike agree, collecting their bags and Kathy embraces her son tight telling him she loves him. When they leave, it’s only Alex and Rian in the apartment and Alex is quick to wrap his arm around Rian.

“I’m proud of you baby,” Alex admits, placing a kiss on Rian’s jaw “I’m sorry I was a douche. I love you!”

Rian hugs back, not wanting to let Alex go anytime soon.

“I love you too but you don’t need to apologise, I shouldn’t have lied to you,” he replied “I’m glad I told her though! Now, everything is out in the open.”

He can’t stop the yawn that escapes his lips and much to his disappointment, Alex is standing up, moving away from him. He frowns and pouts as Alex gives him a look, holding his hand out for him to take.

“You’re hungover and tired and I’m tired too, aren’t you coming back to bed with me?” he asks pulling him towards their room, pulling back the covers. He curls up into Rian as soon as he lies down, resting his head in the crook of his neck. “I missed being able to cuddle with you Baby, this bed is too big when you aren’t here beside me!”