Killing Loneliness

He almost couldn’t remember the life he had previously lived, the life that now seemed like a forbidden fruit that was also out of reach, and the woman he had once adored had become his guardian rather than his wife. He couldn’t remember when it had begun either, it seemed as if centuries had passed by since the two of them had gotten married, and he couldn’t recall what love felt like anymore. His mother had once told him that whenever his father had looked her in the eyes, she had seen his love burn passionately for her, but what was to be found in Dita’s eyes could only be described as darkness. She didn’t love him, and he wonder if she ever had.

The job that he had also used to adore had grown dull and tiresome, it didn’t bring the same glow to him anymore, and every day he was dreading to go back to the office and back to Lisa and her lukewarm coffee and phoney smile that made him feel sick to his stomach. There was just something about those people, wanting to get a bite of the cake that he had become, nothing but a name everybody wanted to take advantage of. It literally pissed him off.

He sighed and walked away from the desk and the computer with the open document, and he knew that he needed to finish it, but he didn’t want to, he simply didn’t want to finish it. Dita would be pissed too when she figured he hadn’t been able to finish it before the deadline, but he didn’t want to think about Dita either. She made him hate himself for being who he was, and he was insecure about everything, everything but this.

It was then that he took his coat and wallet and left the house without a word to his wife, not even a note on the refrigerator door, and all she would find the next morning was his dead cellphone and an unfinished article on his computer. He was really quite sure that she wouldn’t worry though, at least not about the right things. And so he turned the key a final time and walked towards the Mercedes, forcing himself to be the strong man that he hadn’t been in a long time.

The hotel was exactly like he remembered it to be, not quite as luxurious as he had recently gotten used to, but still cosy in its own familiar way. He loved it especially due to the memories he had from the place, the memories of a previous life and the days of glory that his youth had been. Now he had been married for almost ten years and he couldn’t remember feeling as hated as he felt it with Dita. Even the girls he had shared bed with here had shown him more affection, and those girls were paid to.

He sighed and sat down in the chair with a glass of red wine in one hand and a book in the other. Seeing there was no TV in the room, he needed something else to keep himself entertained, and there always is a bible in the bedside table. The book in itself was interesting, but the Christian faith was more or less a repulsive interpretation of the books morality. He almost found it strange that someone hadn’t yet been to base a religion entirely on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien.

“Mr Warner,” someone said and then knocked on the door. He sighed, knowing whatever news the woman was bringing, they wouldn’t bring much luck with them. “Yes?” he said as he opened the door and then finding himself looking down at a petite woman with big, blue eyes and an insecure look to her face. He couldn’t help but to smile at her.

“What was it that you wanted to say?” he asked her and finally she looked as if her feet were back on planet earth. “Yes,” she mumbled and blushed. “A woman called for you, but I told her that you weren’t here… Just in case, you know.” The comment made him feel a tad happier about all that had been going on, and he gave her a grateful look. “Thank you.”
“Her name was-“
“I know who she is,” he said and shook his head slightly. “But I don’t want to talk to her, so I appreciate that you covered up for me.” She nodded understandingly. “You’re welcome. Anything else I can do for you?”
“No, thank you,” he said and then yawned. “All I want right now is to go to bed.”

The next morning was quiet. It was nine o’clock and he was still in bed, but he wasn’t sleeping anymore, merely staring at the ceiling that had some cracks here and there. He pictured himself as the wall, the cracks spoiling his life, and he couldn’t help but to think what her morning was like. Was she happy to finally get rid of him, or was she sad that he had left without a goodbye? He was hoping for the last one, but he didn’t cast his voice on it. He despised her.

The cracks became more and more visible as he kept staring at the ceiling and let the flaws of his life became more evident. There wasn’t just Dita’s face in those cracks, but also his own for not having done this before, for having let her be in control. Now it was too late.

“Brian?” someone asked from the door, a boy this time, and the man in the bed felt weary at the unwanted attention. He chose not to answer the poor being who probably wished to inform him about the breakfast or something of the same level of importance. He sighed and got up to his feet and opened the door, seeing a face that would forever be glued to his memory whether he wanted it or not.

“Hi,” the tiny man said and looked at him with eyes more outstanding than those of Twiggy, and the way he looked at him, almost like a frightened child. It melted him completely. “Hey, what’s up?” he asked and frowned at the small being who was now fiddling with his shirt. “I-I was just wondering if you would sign this,” he said and held out a copy of the first book he ever published in his own name. The book had never been a success, even today when he was famous for his writing skills; this book was looked down upon. It made him feel emotional all of a sudden, that this man obviously liked it.

“Of course,” he managed to whisper through the astonishment. “I haven’t really met anyone who’s liked this book before.” The little one frowned at this. “But it’s a really good book,” he said and then shook his head. “People tend to like the bad stuff, like your new book.” Mr Warner laughed at this comment and opened the book to sign it. “What should I write?”

“I can dictate,” the little one said and smiled shyly. “To Jeordie White,” he begun and then cleared his throat. “From Brian Warner…” Brian looked up. “Is that all?” Jeordie shook his head and smiled as if what Brian had just said was a joke. “Dearest Jeordie… will you please join me for breakfast?”
Brian frowned at the book and stared at the letters he had just scribbled down, and then he looked at Jeordie who was now blushing slightly. “I’d be pleased to,” Jeordie then answered and smiled. “You’re quite the charming littlest thing, aren’t you?” Brian asked and took a step closer to the small being. “I was hoping for you to think that,” he answered and smiled an even bigger smile. “Well, let’s go grab a cup of coffee then.”

The coffee shop that Jeordie had brought him to was quite the perfect place for a friendly chat, something he hadn’t had for a few months. It was crowded inside, but in the backyard there was a garden where everything really did smell like roses, and there they sat down with each their coffee and chocolate cake.

“How did you know where I was staying anyway?” he asked the younger one and took a sip out of his coffee. Jeordie smiled and seemed thoughtful for a moment. “That lady from yesterday told me,” he said and then took a bite out of the cake. Brian nodded and recalled the pretty, petite woman who had told Dita he wasn’t there. The thought pulled at the corner of his lips. “How do you know each other?”

“We used to work together,” he muttered and looked away for a few seconds, as if something was gnawing at him, but he didn’t mention it. Their eyes met once again and Brian smiled. “She was a darling,” he said and Jeordie nodded in agreement. “She has always been like that, you know, caring about people.”

Jeordie seemed a bit nervous all of a sudden and his eyes were once again directed towards the table. Brian didn’t know just what to say, and so he grabbed his fork and started on the cake that tasted absolutely wonderful. Then Jeordie cleared his throat. “I-I… I was wondering about something,” he managed to stammer out and then looked Brian into the eyes again. “I was wondering if, you… you know, if you’re into guys?”

Brian frowned at the guy whom he still didn’t know, and the youngster looked at him with almost frightened eyes. He sighed and looked at him with sad eyes. “I don’t really know you, do I,” he whispered and the boy nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said and then downed his coffee and looked as if he was about to leave. “Well, I should perhaps leave you now.”

“Wait,” he mumbled and gave him an encouraging look. “Can I have your number, please?” Jeordie stared at him with bewildered eyes for a few seconds, and then a warm smile touched his lips and he nodded eagerly. “Here,” he said and fished a card out of his pocket. “It’s old, but it’s the right number,” he assured his newfound friend and then waved him a silent goodbye, and Brian was left to himself in the backyard garden.

The card he had been handed was confusing him, seeing that the picture there was indeed Jeordie, but Jeordie wearing girlish makeup and a red sequin dress. He stared at it with bafflement for quite some time, and then he stashed it away in his pocket and finished his coffee and cake and then walked back alone to the hotel.

The room was as silent as always and frankly, Brian was bored out of his mind. There had been a week since the coffee shop incident with Jeordie, and since then he had been wondering whether to call him or not. He would if he hadn’t asked him about his sexual preferences, at least after only a few hours, and he was kind of stressed out about it. He was all over the news now, having gone missing for more than a week, and Dita had even made an appearance in television. It was none of his business anymore though.

Brian sighed and dialed the number on the card, still confused about the transsexual way Jeordie had been portrayed in the picture, and it strengthened his confusion about the guy and whether he should get involved or not. But he liked him a lot, and he couldn’t help it. He needed to give him that call.

“Hi,” he heard the already familiar voice whisper sleepily into the phone, and not until then had he realized how early in the morning it was. “Jeordie, hey, it’s Brian,” he said and everything went quiet on the other line. “Brian, hi,” he said and seemed uncomfortable for a moment. “What’s up?” he eventually asked and Brian licked his lips tryingly. “I was just wondering if you wanted to do something today… I’m really bored out of my mind.”

There was a pause between them and Brian was starting to wonder whether Jeordie had really been interested or if he had wanted something from him like everybody else. The thought clouded his mind, but then the youngster cleared his throat like he often would to end an awkward moment. “Sure,” he said and seemed a bit happier this time. “Where do you want to go?”
Brian let his mind wander for a second; unsure of what he actually wanted to do. “You have a car available?” Jeordie asked as he had taken notice of Brian’s hesitation. “Yeah, I have,” he answered and smiled into the phone as if Jeordie could see him. “Let’s go for a ride then, I’ll be there in a few,” the tiny one said and then hung up before Brian could say anything else.

“This is a really nice car,” Jeordie whispered as he sat down in the comfortable leather seat and then looked at Brian with an expression to his face that Brian couldn’t put words to. It was that of longing, but also this sadness about something. “You alright, Jeordie?” he asked and looked him in the eyes as if to comfort him, but Jeordie merely shook it off and let a warm smile replace the bewildered look that had made Brian wonder. “Sure I am, I just envy you this car… I’ve always wanted a Mercedes!” Brian laughed. “You can borrow it sometime.”

“I don’t have a driver’s license,” he muttered back at him and then shook his head. “I haven’t had the need to until right now.” The older one thought about this for a few seconds and then turned the key around and got the car started. “Maybe I’ll teach you, eh?” he offered and they drove off for the city, not entirely sure what they were up to just yet, but he had a feeling that some alcohol might be involved. “Sure,” Jeordie answered, yet another habit of his.

“Let’s stop here and have a beer and something to eat, I’m really hungry,” Brian said as they reached a restaurant that seemed too expensive for someone wearing casual clothing. “Isn’t this the kind of a place where everybody is wearing a suit or diamonds hanging straight down their cleavage?” The two looked at each other and mutually frowned, and then Brian grinned at his new friend. “What the hell do I know? You don’t have to be formal when you’re a writer, everybody either loves you or hates you anyways,” he said and then opened the door for the little one.

“I guess I love you then,” Jeordie mumbled and grinned sheepishly at his companion, and for whatever cause, Brian went as red as a tomato. It made the youngster a little proud, having made the famous writer blush at something he had said. “You’re bold, aren’t you?” the author asked and then grabbed the smaller one by his shoulder, forcing him to stand closer to him. “But so am I,” he whispered and then placed a light kiss onto his beautiful, thin lips, sending delicious jolts though Jeordie’s entire body.

“Wow,” he said breathlessly and still held on tightly to the other man’s arms, unsure of what was a clever next move in such a situation. Luckily he didn’t need to say much, and Brian was smiling from one ear to another, obviously quite pleased with himself, and then an unhappy thought stepped out of the shadows and Jeordie stared at the older one with fright in his eyes. “You’re married,” he said and followed him inside, much like a confused child, not able to make a protest about something that just didn’t make sense. “Yes,” was the other one’s only reply, a reply that didn’t comfort him at all.

“Let’s eat and get to know each other, shall we?” Brian asked and pulled out a chair for Jeordie to sit in, and so he did, still not sure whether this was the right thing to do or not. “Doesn’t she love you?” he asked and watched a sudden change in Brian’s eyes as the question was put on the table. “I guess it goes both ways,” he sighed and sat down on the opposite side of the table and avoiding Jeordie’s eyes. “But there’s a difference… she never loved me, not even when we got married.”

“That-that blows, dude…” Jeordie said, unsure if he should’ve said anything at all or continue to listen, but it seemed as if this woman wasn’t his favorite subject, especially seeing he was ready to go on with his life. Jeordie looked at his hands, not wanting to look Brian in the eyes. “It’s okay,” Brian said after having been silent for a few moments. “I decided I didn’t want to be part of her life anymore, and so I left her and everything else behind. Right now I just want to figure out who I am.”

“With me?” Jeordie asked in a thoughtful haze almost as if the question hadn’t been addressed to Brian, but to Jeordie himself. Brian laughed a bit at this, forcing the younger man back into reality and his face was burning with embarrassment. “I-I’m sorry,” he stammered and forced his eyes down into his lap again.

“You stammer sometimes,” Brian said, not having taken notice of the speech defect earlier and made the youngster feel even more uncomfortable. “I-I,” he said and looked bewildered again, his eyes flickering restlessly around the room. “I’m sorry, I stammer when I’m nervous or scared about something,” he explained and looked even more embarrassed than he had before. “It’s very charming,” Brian said and felt a tad guilty about having him feel so ashamed. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that though; I just hadn’t realized it before.”

Jeordie shook his head. “A lot of people find it extremely annoying,” he said and tried not to look as vulnerable as he felt. “And I understand them, I mean, you don’t seem that smart when you can’t say something as simple as hello or how are you, simply because you’re a tad nervous, and people don’t get why.”

“It’s nothing to stress about,” Brian said and smiled. “I find you rather charming and sweet, you know, even with the stammering.” Twiggy smiled at the compliment. “You are quite the gentleman, Mr. Warner,” he said and then giggled in the most girlish manner and in such a manner that made Brian blush a little too, something that didn’t add up in his mind. He had never been involved with a man before, and this certainly was taking a turn towards sodomy.

“Can I help you, Sir?”