Here To Live Life Like Nobody Was Watching

‘It starts small, the black hole inside your heart. You try to fill it with food, the constant hunger for something, anything, but nothing works. So you pretend, you pretend it isn't real, that it isn't affecting you, and as you mask it, it grows. It grows and grows, spiralling out of control into a deep pit of emptiness; it leaves you numb, unable to feel, unable to care and as you slowly crumble around it, it claims you, yet another victim in the war against depression.

You can't control it, as it torments you and leaves you as nothing but an empty shell almost void of humanity. This is your life now, as the depression rids you of happiness, it takes even the things you love the most and you are helpless, powerless in an internal struggle. They can't see you suffer, no one notices as the glint fades from your eyes. The natural beauty in life is lost behind pain and suffering. All that's left is a body, although broken, which follows orders and meets the demands of a deluded society warped by the media into inaccurate and unobtainable views on what is right and wrong, what is needed and what is beauty.

Worthlessness.
Insignificant.
Useless.
These thoughts chase you, running through your mind when you are awake and haunting your nightmares, you can't dream anymore, unable to perceive a single ounce of happiness, anything that could help you, save you from these feelings. Fixation creates further problems for you; you focus on the negative slowly falling deeper into your own mind, over thinking every little word you've ever said, wondering if your words or actions have made someone else feel this way, struggling to survive, on the brink of self destruction, just like they have done to you.

There are some lucky ones, depression reduces them to nothing but they rise, reborn from the ashes of their old life, stronger and braver than before. Still fragile and damaged from their struggles but with a love for life that is more intense than anyone who hasn't felt like life was ripped away from them, it's like a second chance a living, and they embrace it.

Shall I let you in on a secret, love; love is the most powerful weapon against depression. Just having someone who will support you and not judge you as you try to feel again. At first it's difficult, finding that one person who can help you but once you've got them, hold on, don't let them slip past, they are your ticket to happiness. It's not always easy when you've found that one person, society's a bitch and bullies and pressurises individuals to fit a mould, but if you don't fit that mould you are scrutinised. That is one if the worst feelings imaginable, it's like humanity doesn't want you to be happy, after struggling for so long you finally find your ray of light in the bitter darkness but because they have a different religion or faith to you, because your views on the world are different or because they are the same sex as you they don't agree, the belittle your relationships, force you back into that broken shell you left behind, afraid to love because when you do you’re wrong. It's not okay for people to fear happiness because of persecution or be rejected by their families for falling in love, society is not right, it is what needs changing, not you or I, but the view that love can only exist in a certain form.

It seems simple doesn’t it, ‘just be happy’ they say to you but then the things that make you happy they say are wrong. It’s not easy, if I could choose to be happy I would, and slowly I am changing, happiness is entering my broken fragile mind, and it’s doing it in the purest and most beautiful of ways, through her eyes, the feel of her skin on mine, and the way she tentatively places her lips on mine. I am not yet cured, still struggling but her love guides me, like a lighthouse showing the safe way to land through the breaking waves in a rough storm. I am determined to be better, not just for her but for me, I want, no I need to be whole again.

They say it is difficult loving someone who is damaged but without someone taking that risk I wouldn’t be here today talking to you, trying to pass on the wisdom that has dragged me back from the edge, showing to you that you can be better and no one wants it more than you. When you find that connection of love whether its romance or friendship, don’t let it go, don’t let it slip past you, hold onto that bond and you will be saved. You guys can get better, you will get better. You have all been such good friends, supporting and caring, thank you for all taking part in my recovery. This is my last session, so I am Ellen and I am nearly over depression.’

As the sound of applause echoed around the hall I returned to my seat wiping the tears from my eyes that had meant more than I had first thought it would, they weren’t sad tears though, I was crying from happiness, for the first time in years I felt free. An imaginary weight had lifted off my chest and each breath fell freely from my lips, not held back by a tongue afraid to speak the truth, the fear of being wrong was too great but now I could say and do what I wanted. I scanned the audience, my peers all in similar situations to me and saw that I wasn’t alone, salty tears flooded the eyes of most of them, a few individuals had even let them brim over leaving rivers of smudged make up down their cheeks, that was the biggest break through for me and them, by allowing their portrayed images to be imperfect they had loosened the noose depression held around their necks.

These people, my friends are great, don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful they are here for me and helped me through but there was only one person I wanted to see now. I could see her hovering at the back, trying to hide as she wiped the tears from her pale face, her sparkling eyes caught mine and now she didn’t hide she just stared at me, her perfect brown eyes and with such a proud look on her face, she had done it, she was my inspiration for recovery, no matter how bad she ever felt she would always know she was the reason I was alive. We couldn’t help but smile, not a basic smile, one of those toothy grins you try to hide but just erupt spontaneously, and that’s when you know happiness is fixing your broken mind and you have recovered, life has returned to normal and sadness no longer holds you back, but it doesn’t always last forever.