Grief

I lay on Matt’s couch, almost half asleep as I texted friends, watching his Call of Duty game occasionally. We’d decided to have a day together and as we’d done just about everything that we had planned on doing, we were pooped. Or at least, I was. Once you got that man on his shooting games, he basically turned undead.

He was my best friend, a friendship had started a few tours ago when my brothers, the Berry twins, had dragged me along against my will. After an all nighter with Matt, we’d become best friends. He was going through a pretty hard time at the moment. Val had left him out of nowhere, and so I’d been there to comfort him in the meantime. That often meant I practically lived at his house, to be his shoulder to cry on and someone to remind him to shower and eat every once in a while. But I didn’t mind.

If I was perfectly honest, I was glad she was gone. She was a sweetheart, and I honestly did like her, but it hadn’t taken long for me to fall for those hazel eyes and dimples and his killer hugs. I know he didn’t see me as anything other than a friend, and I was pretty sure I’d gone from friendzone to sisterzone. And being the old fashioned little bitch I was, there was no way I was going to make the first move.

I was just about asleep when I heard a phone buzz and I looked at my phone, seeing it wasn’t me. I kicked Matt lightly to get his attention. “Matt, answer your damn phone.”

He paused his game, pulling the phone out and answering. “Hello? …What..?” He sounded like he’d just been punched in the gut. I sat up, trying to hear the conversation. It wasn’t a familiar voice coming through the phone, unsure what was going on.

“You’re…you’re sure…?” He took a shaky breath. Uh oh. I knew that sign. He was going to cry. I got down on the ground and hugged him, sure he needed it. His free arm wrapped around me and held me tighter than normally.

Something was very wrong.

“Yeah…yeah I’ll be over in half an hour…Thanks for telling me.”

He hung up and covered his face with his other hand, squeezing me tighter. “Matt…?” I murmured.

“My…My dad just had a heart attack…”

I almost couldn’t believe it. Within a year, he’d lost Jimmy, lost Val, and was now losing his dad. He was a strong guy, but I wasn’t sure how many more sucker punches he could take. I took a deep breath. “He’s still alive?”

Matt nodded. “For now.”

I nodded, sliding out of his grip. “Up.” I commanded, and he slid the headset off reluctantly, lethargically getting to his feet. “I’ll drive you, let’s go.” I led him to the door, where he grabbed his aviators, a jacket and slid on some flip flops, and walked out to his car. I grabbed the keys, grabbing my purse and getting in, pulling out. “He’s at St. Michael’s?” I asked.

Matt nodded, sliding his aviators on and reclining the seat. It was the middle of the night, but I knew exactly why he was wearing the sunglasses. He didn’t want to show emotion. I’d seen it among all the guys. When they wanted some level of privacy for how they were feeling, on went the aviators.

The ride was silent, apart from Pantera softly playing over the stereo, and within about twenty minutes I pulled into the parking lot. Matt pulled me along, and I was surprised at his anxiousness to get there.

We hurriedly checked in and before I knew it we were in a sterile hospital room, the entire Sanders family in there, Kim holding her unconscious husband’s hand. Brian was also there, I knew he’d been close with Greg as well.

Matt was holding my hand in a death grip, almost tight enough I was sure if he held it any tighter he’d break the majority of the bones in it.

It was going to be a long night.

~
The night had been a blur, and I was sipping a Monster I’d bought at the convenience store across the street from the hospital. I didn’t even like the energy drink, but I had to stay awake. I was running on fumes.

Matt sat across from me at the little café table, and Brian was on his right and my left. Matt’s eyes were bloodshot from crying, and he hadn’t touched the coffee I had bought for him. Brian was on his phone, probably texting one of the guys.

Matt’s dad had died around four in the morning, and Matt wasn’t taking it well at all. I wasn’t expecting him to, and I felt really sorry for him.

Brian took a deep breath. “I gotta leave pretty soon…” he said softly. “Mikayla, can I talk to you quick?” He got up and I followed suit, and we went into the hall. I honestly think that Matt didn’t really notice us leave.

Brian smiled slightly. “You’re really being there for him.”

I smiled back, shrugging. “He needs someone to remind him to eat and shower.” I stated.

Brian nodded. “I feel really dumb for not realizing this earlier…”

I raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“You love the guy.”

I felt my face heat up horribly, and I looked away, feeling any words I wanted to say catch in my throat. I couldn’t deny it.

“And I think he’s being an idiot for not seeing it and having you as a girlfriend.”

I shook my head, though smiling softly. I’d love to be his girlfriend. “He’s going through a lot of shit, he probably can’t see it.”

“Which is why I’m confused as to why you don’t just tell him. At this point, he’s not going to see it. I think if he realized you liked him, he’d go for you.”

“I don’t want to be a rebound. And I doubt he needs that after just losing his dad.” I sighed, shrugging.

“Seriously, what would change? You already essentially live at his house. The only thing that’d be different is you two start kissing and being lovey dovey. I bet you already sleep in his bed.”

I whacked Brian. “Shut up. I’m his teddy bear.”

Brian smirked. “I’m using that against you, but see? He needs you. It’d just, y’know, add another level of commitment and I think he’d like someone to promise they aren’t gunna leave. So you’re going to go back in there and tell him.”

My eyes widened, and I felt my gut sink. “I dunno.”

Brian sighed. “I only think you’re gunna help him him, Mikes…He’s had so many people leave. He needs someone who’s gunna be there for him. Who’s promising to do so. Now go.”

I sighed, feeling sick. I walked back in, sitting in front of Matt at the table. He hadn’t moved.

“Hey…” I murmured.
Matt looked at me. He looked exhausted, not only physically but emotionally and mentally. He couldn’t take much more of this. He reached across the table, taking one of my hands, putting it between his own and squeezing it. I wasn’t sure, but I think his hands were trembling.

“I…” The sensation of being unable to force out words was a strange one. One I hated, but I had to do it. I squeezed his hand, taking a deep breath. “Matt, I love you…”

“I love you too..” He said back, like we always told each other we love each other.

“I mean…not just as a friend…I…love you…”

He looked me dead in the eye, searching me, and I could see fear. He didn’t want to get hurt.

“I love you…and you know I won’t leave…so…please…Can I be your girlfriend?”

Matt got up and went around the table, picking me up and hugging me tightly, pecking my lips. I felt a surge of happiness.

“Yes, yes you can…” he murmured happily.