Summer

Looking at myself in the mirror I can't help but feel like this was going to be worth it after all. Even though I was nervous to see Alan I was ready to open up. For once. When the doorbell rang I rang as fast as possible downstairs.

"Hey!" I greeted Alan, slightly out of breathe.

"Damn your house is nice." Alan says in amazement.

I shrug, "It's a home." I smile at him, "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, lets go."

I grab my keys and head out the front door with Alan. He politely opens the door for me to his car. I don't think a guy has ever done that for me before.

"So where are we going?" I ask as we beginning to leave my house.

"I thought we'd go to this book store/coffee shop I really like." he tells me, eyes focused on the road.

I make a soft agreeing mumble before looking out into the hot California day.

After me and Alan ordered our coffee we started to look around at books. When I spotted my favorite book I couldn't help but get excited and show it to Alan.

"Wintergirls?" he asks, looking at the cover.

I suddenly feel self conscious for showing it to him, "Yeah just forget it." I mumble walking off. I knew I shouldn't have opened up to this guy. He isn't going to understand anything about me. He will be just like the others. I have to stop doing this to myself.

"I think it looks good. I'm going to buy it." Alan sneaks up behind me and whispers in my ear.

I shudder, "Okay."

"Why are you being distant?"

"I don't know. Maybe I should go." I say heading for the door.

"Maybe you shouldn't." Alan grabs a hold of my arm, pulling me back against his chest.

"Can you let go?" I ask softly.

"Not until you tell me whats the matter."

"I can't let you in." I say it.

There is a long pause of silence.

"You can though." his voice is dry.

I lick my lips, "I can?"

I feel him nod against the back of my head. I let myself take a deep breathe and tell myself a thousand times its okay to let him in. Another million times I say to run away. I don't get I chance to do either when I collapse on the hot pavement.