Status: entry for mibba's first annual big bang.
Azalea
famous last words
They were trying to save her and I know they tried - no one can say they didn't because we saw them - but they couldn't. (She was too far gone and they were sorry but still that didn't make it better and that isn't going to bring her back, I'm afraid.) So we just had to wait and she was going to die, slowly and painfully, but there really wasn't anything else they could do but make her as comfortable as they could.
They tell us it was a car accident - her brakes couldn't stop her from sliding head first into a lamp post and wrecking her car - and a small part of me wants to throw up, because it's Phillip, it's him, I know it is becuase he's the only person capable of doing something so terrible.
So we get to say goodbye, but it's not the same (no, no it's not, it wasn't supposed to be this way, not at all). Jenny goes first, and then Jonghyun, and then Jinki, and then it's me and I don't know what to say (what do you say to someone when they're dying?) so I sit next to her and hold her hand. And she smiles, she smiles big and bright and tells me to stop acting so strangely - "I'm going to be fine, Kibum." I sit on the edge of her bed and I start to cry even though I should be stronger (for the both of us).
I should have protected her - I should have said something, done something - but I didn't, and that's my fault. She's dying and that's all my fault. There's no way to get around it.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly. And then she simply sighs and I rest my head on her shoulder and she plays with my hair. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't - "
"It's not your fault, sweetheart. Everyone has a time to go, you know? And if this my time, it's my time. What else can I say? It's okay."
"It's not okay. What am I supposed to do without you?"
"Live," she says softly. "Don't cry for me, please. Don't. Because you're going to spend so much time crying and feeling bad and you're not going to life your life. I want you to live, okay? Travel. Go to Europe. Get lost. Meet new people. Just don't cry over me. I want you to meet someone new."
"But I love you. I don't want to love anybody else."
"I love you too. But sometimes these things happen, you know? Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to, and that's okay."
"I'm going to miss you." She smiles and I kiss her and she starts crying and whispering about how she doesn't want to die and she's scared and she's going to miss me and tells me she's happy to have met me and that these last few months are the happiest she's ever been and she's sorry that we couldn't be together longer than we already were and that she loves me and that she just wants to be okay again.
And then there's a beeping noise and it goes flat and I can't stop crying and there are doctors everywhere and Jonghyun's telling me its' going to be alright, but I don't think I can believe him. Not anymore.
They tell us it was a car accident - her brakes couldn't stop her from sliding head first into a lamp post and wrecking her car - and a small part of me wants to throw up, because it's Phillip, it's him, I know it is becuase he's the only person capable of doing something so terrible.
So we get to say goodbye, but it's not the same (no, no it's not, it wasn't supposed to be this way, not at all). Jenny goes first, and then Jonghyun, and then Jinki, and then it's me and I don't know what to say (what do you say to someone when they're dying?) so I sit next to her and hold her hand. And she smiles, she smiles big and bright and tells me to stop acting so strangely - "I'm going to be fine, Kibum." I sit on the edge of her bed and I start to cry even though I should be stronger (for the both of us).
I should have protected her - I should have said something, done something - but I didn't, and that's my fault. She's dying and that's all my fault. There's no way to get around it.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly. And then she simply sighs and I rest my head on her shoulder and she plays with my hair. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't - "
"It's not your fault, sweetheart. Everyone has a time to go, you know? And if this my time, it's my time. What else can I say? It's okay."
"It's not okay. What am I supposed to do without you?"
"Live," she says softly. "Don't cry for me, please. Don't. Because you're going to spend so much time crying and feeling bad and you're not going to life your life. I want you to live, okay? Travel. Go to Europe. Get lost. Meet new people. Just don't cry over me. I want you to meet someone new."
"But I love you. I don't want to love anybody else."
"I love you too. But sometimes these things happen, you know? Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to, and that's okay."
"I'm going to miss you." She smiles and I kiss her and she starts crying and whispering about how she doesn't want to die and she's scared and she's going to miss me and tells me she's happy to have met me and that these last few months are the happiest she's ever been and she's sorry that we couldn't be together longer than we already were and that she loves me and that she just wants to be okay again.
And then there's a beeping noise and it goes flat and I can't stop crying and there are doctors everywhere and Jonghyun's telling me its' going to be alright, but I don't think I can believe him. Not anymore.